So every morning I always skim through the Chicago Tribune and I always stop at the comics and the "Ask Amy" advice column that shares a page with the comics. Today, however, there was some advice given that troubles me.
A 15 year old female wrote in saying that she was friends with a girl, "Laura," who was her age, AND "Laura's" mom. Laura is having sex, her mom doesn't know and this girl writing in was conflicted as to what to do. Amy advised that the teenager that wrote in tell Laura's mom what Laura is up to in her free time. In this letter there is nothing to suggest that Laura is in a dangerous or abusive relationship, the biggest problem is that the 15 year old writing in feels torn between Laura and Lauras mom. I personally think this is just another way that our society tries to hold its young females up to certain standards- without even consulting them. Why couldn't Amy suggest that Laura is encouraged to talk to her mom about her choices? I wrote an email to Amy, I think you guys should too! Here's the link to the article:
Am I overreacting, or are my thoughts legit?
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I read that today too and I thought it was kind of ridiculous. I wasn't having sex at 15, but if I was it certainly wouldn't have been a good idea to tell my mom about it. I think the friend should just encourage her to make safe decisions and to discuss with her mother if she feels comfortable.
Yeah, I'd agree with you. The best generic advice (without knowing the situation in more detail) would be to tell the writer to encourage her friend to be open and honest with her parents. Of course, if we knew more particulars, that would help too. Like if we had reason to think that telling her mother would be harmful to the daughter, then it would be better for the friend to simply be supportive of her friend and not push the 'tell mom' angle. Or if the daughter was in some kind of bad relationship--abusive or otherwise--and the mother was likely to be helpful, maybe it would be better for the writer to inform the mother about the situation. But in general? If the only thing 'bad' happening is that the daughter is having consensual, enjoyable, safe sex, it's probably best to let her decide if and when she needs to talk to her mom about it.
I know in most states the age of consent is 16, and that's where I think perhaps the mother has a right to know. Still, I think the advice for the friend ought to be to encourage the sexually active girl to talk to her mom, as well as to make safe decisions about sex. 15 year old girls shouldn't be tattling on each other for having sex.
If her friend thought she could talk to her mother about this, she would. If she isn't, there's probably a good reason for it. The girl writing the letter probably has good intentions, and probably thinks her friend's mother is a good person and everything, but if you're not part of a family you sometimes don't know everything that goes on within that family. Some teenagers still want to think that adults have all the answers and can always help and should always be trusted--this isn't always the case. I couldn't trust my mother when I lost my virginity. When I finally did tell her, it didn't help, it only hurt. I was right in the first place, and while this might not be true in every case, it is sometimes. Amy should have told this girl to respect her friend's wishes.
This is when I'm caught between how I would respond if I were a parent (and I'm not, but still) and how I'd respond if I were the fifteen year old girl.
The girl I lost my virginity to was fifteen at the time. She was also my first girlfriend. I was sixteen. Had someone felt compelled to tell the mother of my then-girlfriend that we were sexually active, I would have thought of it as a violation of trust.
I suppose if I were the parent, I might want to know if only to confirm that my child knew about and was using birth control and if she was aware that sexuality was a powerful part of the human experience and as such not something to be taken lightly. Still, part of me would not want to broach trust either, recognizing full well that I felt a strong compulsion to lead my life the way I wanted to, privately.
Wow, this "advice" irked me. I mean, the person who wrote in thinks her friend is practicing safe sex and the mother is making comments like "I'm so glad Laura isn't having sex" and her daughter feels the need to hide it from her so she doesn't seem like the kind of mom who would respond in a reasonable way to the knowledge that her daughter is. Who knows how her mom will react. I had a teenage friend who was basically imprisoned in her house except when she left for school after her older sister got pregnant cause her mom freaked out. What really annoyed me though was this mature letter that was written by the 15 year old got a really patronizing response. Amy says that Laura will be mad for "about 4 1/2 days or until she needs something". You know, cause teenagers are so immature and fickle with the memory of 5 year olds. Riiight......When I was a teenager a betrayal of my confidence was a big enough deal that I would never speak to the person again. Plus, if Laura gets grounded or has limitations set on what she can and can't do or is banned from seeing this guy anymore she is going to have a constant reminder. I would be beyond pissed. The "go play field hockey and be a kid" bit irked me too. I mean, how old is "amy". Does she forget what being a teenager was like entirely? Teens deal with all kinds of serious issues..it isn't all about playing games. Sex, identity issues, eating disorders, relationships, etc. are all common things teenage females wrestle with, not some anomaly which means they aren't playing enough games.