Hello, I just want to vent about something that I find extremely annoying and baffling. I'm sure many of you have probably experienced the same thing, and I just wanted to hear some other opinions and feedback on this subject. I am 28 years old, I spent 6 years working towards my Bachelor's degree, I finally have a professional, well-paying career, and I have hopes of attaining a Master's degree. I have spent my 20's chasing down all of my wildest dreams and goals....I have been on television, I have done modeling work, and I currently hold TWO state pageant queen titles. I have done things that many women can only dream of. While many of my female counterparts have aged from having children and having stressful jobs, I have maintained my youth through constant exercise and still look 10 years younger than my real age. Right now, the entire world is in my hands and I can do whatever I want. Other than getting my Master's, the only thing I have not done yet is get married and had babies yet. I have had 2 unplanned pregnancies before that did not come to term, but I just rolled with whatever life dealt me. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. I figure that everything happens for a reason, and the reason why I have not had children yet is because God has many great things planned for me to do first. As for marriage, I was engaged once when I was in my early 20's, but I ended the relationship because the reality of making such a huge commitment like that suddenly sank in. To me, marriage is a BIG decision, and it's definitely not something I want to rush into or enter into lightly...especially since I don't believe in divorce unless it's absolutely necessary. I live in a rural area where there just aren't very many desirable men at all, and I happen to be very picky about the kind of men I want to be with. My father has always told me to never settle for less than what I truly want, so I have been content to remain single for long periods of time instead of settling for a man I truly don't want to be with just so that I can be attached to somebody. I know in my heart that God will bring the right man for me along when the time is right, and I will reap the benefits of it.
My only problem is other women who just can't accept the path that my life has taken and feel the need to condemn me for being "an old dried-up, lonely spinster" at the ripe old age of 28.
Because we all know that our eggs dry up and reach menopause by the time we're 30. Uh huh. I guess it was only a random miracle act of God that my aunt had TWO healthy babies at age 39 and 42!! Many of these women who put me down for not being a married mother already are women who rushed into marriage & motherhood in their very early twenties. (One of them even rushed to the courthouse to marry a man she had only known for 2 WEEKS!!!) However, I know why these women hurried to get married and pregnant so soon in their lives, and it has nothing to do with "finding the love of their lives." It's all about insecurity. I know as well as I know the back of my own hand that they rushed into marriage and parenthood because they were desperately seeking security. Their self-worth and validation relies solely on being loved and fitting into a pre-determined "woman's role" that provides them with a sense of security and purpose. Being a "wifey & mommy" as they call it is what defines them as a person and defines their worth as people. They think to themselves, "Oh I'm 22 now, it's time for me to start cooking, cleaning, and changing diapers like a woman is supposed to!" Many of these women did not attend or complete college. They have no college degrees or jobs, they stay at home and rely solely on the financial support of their husbands. I'm not saying that being a stay-at-home wife & mother is bad, but no one should do that just because they are insecure and want to be taken care of. Why throw away your own life just to be half of a couple? But anyway, they have chosen their path in life, and I have chosen mine. So why can't they just worry about themselves and let that be? Why put so much energy into telling me that I'm worthless because "nobody loves me" or that I am somehow missing out on life because I haven't popped out a kid or two yet? Just because they rushed into being tied down so early in life and are missing out on all of the fun there is to be had in your early adulthood years doesn't mean that I have to do that, too!! Right now, I am enjoying my freedom and the ability to do whatever I want and chase down any goal that I want. I may not be busy changing diapers or cleaning up puke, but I still have important work to do here. I want to save the world, I want to get involved more deeply in the social issues that I am passionate about, I would like to see my articles and blogs published more widely, I have daydreams of becoming a political pundit, and I want to compete in many more beauty pageants. Being married or having a child disqualifies you from many of the pageant systems out there (unless you're competing for a Ms. or Mrs. Title). I enjoy being able to do what I like whenever I feel like it without being tied down, and I enjoy being able to spend all of my hard-earned money on myself. Just call me selfish, I guess. Even when I have dated men that I have really liked a lot, I rarely ever seriously think about getting married and spending the rest of my life with them. I have only considered doing this with 2 of the men I have ever dated. And that's because when I really stop and think about it, marriage is a BIG commitment that shouldn't be take lightly. I guess I'm just a free-spirited person who enjoys being able to do whatever I want too much and the thought of settling down with just one person for the rest of my life makes me kind of nervous. I know how much work and commitment it takes to make a marriage work, and I don't want to end up like these idiots who rushed to marry young: divorced at an early age or in a drama-filled, unhealthy relationship. If their lives are so great being young wives and mothers, then why are they so focused on when and whether I'm going to marry and have kids or not???? Personally, I believe it's because they truly aren't as happy as they claim to be. They killed their dreams and goals and cut their youth short when they said "I Do" and got knocked up soon after. They are stuck at home raising babies and depending on someone else's money to support them. They can't go out and have fun and do whatever they want like I can (although some of them do leave their babies at home every weekend to go out to the bars and party). Deep down, I think they resent losing their youth and freedom and watching me enjoy every bit of mine. This whole "I have a sexy husband who loves me and a beautiful baby unlike SOME people" nonsense just seems to smack of some hidden resentment and insecurity. Any other thoughts on this????
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You have every right to be angry at those women who "condemn [you] for being 'an old dried-up, lonely spinster'" at twenty-eight.
You do not, however, have the right to make the judgment that "they killed their dreams and goals and cut their youth short when they said "I Do" and got knocked up soon after. They are stuck at home raising babies and depending on someone else's money to support them". You have no way of knowing that they are any less happy with their lives than you are with yours.
You complain that they criticize your decisions, and then turn around and with venom and hostility you do the same thing to them.
I am sorry that you have to endure unfair criticism from other women, but I am also very disappointed to see a post of this nature in a feminist forum. This is supposed to be a place where women's choices and autonomy are respected. That includes your choice to remain single and pursue higher education and pageant titles, and their choice to marry young and be stay-at-home moms.
I'm happy for you that you've been able to make many of your dreams come true. But you might be surprised to realize just how many of those women you say "killed their dreams", are actually living them. Regardless of whether their dreams are dead or fulfilled, it's not for you to judge- just as it's not for them to judge you.
I agree with most of what you said except the part about her not having any idea that they are not as happy with their lives/choices as she is with hers. I believe that people who are truly content with their life choices are not so fixated on the choices of others, especially since it doesn't impact them at all, and they certainly don't feel the need to tell others what a mistake they are making by not following the same life script they did. Oftentimes rural culture is more traditionalist and encouraging of conformity and adhering to rigid beliefs about gender roles is often part of that. We often discuss here how shaming and stigmatization are utilized to promote conformity and keep women in line if we start getting these fancy, uppity ideas that we can live how we want and reject mainstream societal expectations. It's a lot like slut shaming and victim blaming: who are you to think you can just go off and be free to work/have sex with whomever you want/avoid the responsibilities of parenthood while everyone else is married with kids?
Sadly, so many people have never even conceived of any kind of life beyond what they've witnessed growing up. For some people the world is a 1200 square foot existence and anything different is automatically 'weird' and something to be suspicious of. Different=bad. I suspect that some of the poster's judgmental statements are an emotional reaction to feeling attacked and even bullied.
And sometimes misery loves company, can't forget about that.
I know a lot of women who only started college so that they could find a husband, get married, settle down, and have kids. That is the choice that a lot of women want and feel comfortable with. I totally support them in this because guess what: they made that CHOICE. It wasn't forced upon them, it was actually something that a lot of them aspired to be. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom. To some women it is fulfilling to be a wife and mother. I find the op
s comments towards stay at home moms unfair. A lot of women dream to be able to stay home and raise a family instead of working. There is nothing wrong with that choice and I do not appreciate women who think that the only way to be a feminist is to go out and get a job and be single all their lives. It doesn't work like that. Individual women get to make individual decisions about their own lives. If working is what makes you happy, great by all means that is what you should be doing. Pursue your own happiness. But don't become bitter because not all women make that decision. Be happy for your friends, knowing that a lot of them are truly happy with their lives.
I actually signed on to comment on this! I am one of those women telling other women that if you want to have children, have them younger, based on my own experience. I have two children, I had my first at 24 and second at 27, since then I have had three miscarriages and then more fertility problems than I feel like talking about. The truth of the matter is, it is harder to get pregnant for most woman as they age. I know everyone can come up with an anecdotal story of someone they know that got pregnant at fifty, but if you do some research you will see what I am talking about.
I really wish I could have one more child, I love being a stay at home mom, and truly love my children. When I talk to other women about this I am saying this not out of jealousy or misery, but experience. Trust me, infertility is not anything I would wish on anyone, it is a very sad and hard road.
Did it occur to you that maybe some of the women you tell to hurry up and have kids may not be able to b/c they are infertile? I am, and if you told me that in person I'd explode. Stop condescending.
Or that some of the people she is telling to 'hurry up before it's too late' actually don't want children at all, and not just right now?
Also, I have a different take on the whole 'feminism is supposed to be about choice' thing that comes up so often whenever we converse about working women or stay at home moms. I've always believed that feminism isn't really about choice, it is about women having the same legal protections/rights and opportunities for education and employment as men. One can argue that men have the same opportunity as women to choose to work or stay home and raise a family, but that's sort of like saying women have the same opportunity to be a CEO of a fortune 500 company. Possible, yes, but not extremely likely when you consider social constraints and attitudes that impact how these things are achieved. When a man can openly say that he is deciding whether he wants a career or to stay home and raise children without being a social pariah, I'll be more optimistic that the root objectives of feminism have been achieved. I just don't think that most women, even self proclaimed feminist ones, really want men who make less than them or who would want to be stay at home fathers while they went out and worked 10 to 12 hour days. I believe women feel like they have a 'right' to choose either in a way that men realistically do not. There is an element of have your cake and eat it too among all kinds of people, even feminists.
I'm sure someone will flame me for this, demanding that I show some empirical scientific evidence that this is what most people want or think. That's why I prefaced my statements with "I believe" or "I think".......I'm 38 years old and very active which means that I interact on a daily basis with a lot of people in a broad demographic range. I'm basing my perceptions on my experience and I don't need a scientific study to back that up. Other people are entitled to their own perceptions based on their own experiences.
Some of us know this and don't care. I'm not having kids yet because I want to figure out who I am as a woman before I figure out who I am as a mother, and because we want to take advantage of this time to be a couple.
I don't really support having kids too late in life for other reasons (my mother was born to a 48-year-old mother), but having kids young 'just in case' you can't manage later in life seems like a bad idea to me. Some of us just aren't ready to be mothers at 24.
(Besides, if I'm anything like my grandmother, I have plenty of time)
I am grateful every day that my mother preached to us, both sons and daughters, don't get married till you're at least thirty. That way you'll have your major goals pinned down re; education, career, money etc. She wasn't progressive enough to say "if you get married", it wasn't that era.
Most of us got married around 28 or so, there was zero pressure. This is an issue I've never faced.
Anytime you challenge the status quo you're opening yourself up for criticism.
Essentially, I think lots of people build their strength and their self-worth in things other than themselves. In relationships, especially, we often have a tendency to use our partner as a sense of strength that we ourselves believe incapable of attaining on our own. I certainly have done that before and I've also done the "this-relationship-sucks, but-at-least-so-long-that-I'm-in-it-I-don't have-to-be-alone". The roots of many problems I see in other people and in myself stem from insecurity and low self-esteem. Those have reached epidemic proportions, or perhaps they've always been around in great supply.
I find myself disinclined to judge the lifestyle decisions others have made, feeling that it's not really my right. It's easy to pass judgment, but every time I do, I end up being embarrassed at how wrong and inaccurate my preconceptions really were.
If these women are your friends, you need to get new friends. If they aren't, who cares what they think? You seem to be satisfied with your choices, successful in your endeavors and having a good time. That's great!
That being said, if these women are your friends why are you so mean about them? If they aren't, why do you care?
I am an at home mother (I don't "stay" there) and personally was offended by your judgmental attitude toward women who may choose the domestic sphere as I did.
As a 31 year old mother with almost a decade as a marketing professional I am not always accepted by either by the working women of whom I was once a part or by some mothers who've never spent time in the professional arena.
It sucks for all of us when we let petty difference get in the way of lasting connections.
Two quotes out of your rant stand out to me.
"I have spent my 20's chasing down all of my wildest dreams and goals.." Badass. You spent your time doing the things that make you happy. Looking at your list, I can see you are telling the truth.
Then you turn around and throw other women under the bus with "I have done things that many women can only dream of."
Your goals and dreams are not the goals and dreams of women. I don't want half of what you've done.
Had you come here with a post about the pressure on a 28 year old to have a nuclear family we all would have been on your side. Instead you throw dirt in the faces of many content feministingers.
Yeah, I kinda agree alot with the people above. You have no right to say what other people's dreams are or should be. I have fulfilled alot of my dreams, and while they are nothing like yours and are not to become a mother I would never criticize or demean other women for choosing to do what they want. Honestly, I would have been super pissed if you'd told me that my life was being wasted and I wasn't fulfilling my dreams because I wasn't going for a Masters or hadn't been on TV or wasn't a pageant queen just like how I don't appreciate people telling me how I'm wasting my life because I'm not having babies. So you're kinda being the people you are complaining about, just coming from the other direction.
The woman's movement has shifted the dominant paradigm enough so that you can be an example of a woman making choices based on her truth, not societies influence. And you can do that without dissing other women's choices that differ from yours, whether they seem mainstream to you or not. Support choices.
I became a mother at a young age. It was a surprise and a choice, not planned- my child got thru 3 forms of birth control. I aborted a pregnancy before and after that pregnancy. So, my child was definitely a choice.
As a single, divorced mother, I'm an eco feminist, activist and I have a thriving career. I worked in 3 diff. industries while raising my child, however, I'm an artist always, so I was able to bring him along (theater, catering, fitness/dance) for much of it.
He is an adult now and at 43, I am working in the industry of my dreams, film, and he is too!
I like to remind women that you don't have to have children to be happy, successful and fulfilled. If you do have children, they are not an excuse to not live a fulfilled life.
I love my child and am happy with the choice. Yes, motherhood is full of sacrifices that you wont have to make if you choose not to have a child, but, in every choice something has to be turned down or sacrificed.
I've helped raise children I didn't give birth too as well, for several years at a time. I know from that, you can choose a different route to motherhood. You choose to parent via adoption, foster care, etc.
Again, it is not necessary to be a parent in order to be happy.
You could partner with a man who wants to be a house husband and primary care giving father.
I wish you the best and fully support you as a woman who has chosen not to have a child. I'll support you if you change you mind.
Most of their criticism is likely based in insecurity. A secure, confident woman does not need to demean the choices of others.
However, I think their might be a larger point to be made here. Women who conform to traditional standards of womanhood receive a social benefit from doing so. That is what they get in exchange for the independence that they gave up. They are considered "real women" or "good women." There is an incentive for them to criticize the "bad women" - those who assert their independence and refuse to define their lives by being wives and mothers - because it feeds into that dichotomy that there are "real women" (Them: wives and mothers) and then there are those "other women" (selfish, career obsessed sluts and whores, who are probably pathetic, lonely and diseased!). It's just another spin on the virgin/whore thing.
Conversely, some unmarried, financially independent women criticize the stay at home moms for squandering their potential (in the interests of full disclosure, I am a recently married, but financially independent childfree woman). This is also unfair. Perhaps doing this makes us feel better about our own choices. Again, only an insecure person does this.
But note: Women on either side deserve criticism if they are the type that believe that every other woman should make the same choice they made simply because it is the "best one." Those women are full of shit and should be called out at every opportunity. If your friends fall into this category, fuck 'em! Find some new friends.