Like most people I've had my personal space invaded on a number of occasions. On public transport or the dance floor where everyone's packed in like sardines, you tend to just deal with the fact that there are strangers standing a lot closer than you would normally allow them. When the crowds are absent however, someone who gets inside 'your bubble' (as my sister's call it) can cause a great deal of discomfort.
For me, invasion of the bubble has happened a few times in the past but never with serious consequences, and not always explicitly. Every time there has been a justification for not making a scene; sometimes it is fear of offending, others uncertainty as to weather the person realises they are making you uncomfortable, or the difficulty of proving that they are deliberately trying to upset you. Regardless of the circumstances, I have yet to find a means of dealing with these people that I'm satisfied with.
Unfortunately, this invasion of personal space has lately become a problem at work. One of my superiors has a habit of standing so close that he will repeatedly bump into you during the course of a conversation. When sitting next to you at the computer, he will claim the arm of your chair and lean in towards you. Furthermore, my desk is hemmed in on three sides so that if he comes to speak to me whilst I'm sitting there, I'm boxed in.
I could have written off this guy's tendency to stand so close as a hearing problem, if it weren't for the sexist jokes that he also makes. This was almost bearable until last week when I was standing next to him as he sat at his desk. He was holding a map between us at the height of my pelvis and when he went to show me a direction on the map with his pen, well the repeated movement also implied a number of other things . . . I don't think he was oblivious to the connotations of what he was doing, but it would be very hard to convince anyone that he wasn't just innocently showing me something.
Now, once again I find myself not wanting to cause a scene and get one of my superior's in trouble. Every time he does something that bothers me, the question pops up "was that deliberate or unintentional? Is he standing close because he's awful or because he can't hear me? If it's a deliberate attempt to upset me, how do I prove that?"
So empowered members of the feministing community, my question is how do I handle this man? What tips do you have for keeping someone out of my space without making a scene?
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I think the answer is based on what he does with others. If he does this with everyone, then I think you can assume he doesn't mean anything by it and probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. some people are like that and honestly have no idea that they are making someone else uncomfortable, and different people have different comfort levels with closeness.
If you are the only one he does this too then it's much more serious and you need to say something. I would start by just talking to him privately, and give him a chance to correct it himself. Again he may not realize what he is doing and after saying something it might all change. If nothing else, you'll have given him a chance so that if/when a supervisor gets involved you can say that. Otherwise when you approach a supervisor the first thing they will say is to talk to him about it. You need to get that step out of the way first.
Good luck!
I think that regardless of whether he is doing these things intentionally or not isn't the biggest issue. If you are made uncomfortable in your workplace that is the biggest issue. I agree with Honeybee, try talking to him privately first. State that you are unsure if his actions are intentional or not but that he is making you uncomfortable by doing x, y and z. Just give him specific examples, say that you value your personal space and request a more professional working relationship.
It's really hard to talk to a supervisor about their innapropriate actions. I've been there. Maybe try writing out what you want to say to him, practice on a friend or something. It might sound dumb but it will make the real confrontation easier and you'll feel more confident that you are in the right.
Then if he continues to exhibit these behaviors you'll have to talk to his supervisor.
Good luck! I hope it gets resolved easily!
You're the one who is uncomfortable and you are the one who has the right to your comfort zone. I strongly suggest "accidentally" shoving your elbow in his eye, apologizing profusely, and explaining that gee, he was standing awfully close. There is a strong probability he will *back off* after that.
That was incredibly unhelpful, as if she did that there's also a "strong possibility" she'd be fired. Not to mention she'd be in the wrong, as "invading one's personal space" does not justify violence.
With the moron's post dealt with, my guess is this guy is probably just a jerk, but you can't know that without speaking with him. If you let him know- seriously, not jokingly- that he's bothering you and you're "warning" him, I am 95% sure he'll back off. If not, go over his head, the higher-ups will freak out. Look what happened with Erin Andrews, you'd think the guy had killed and dismembered her or something.
It isn't "violence" if, oh, it's just an "accident" - just like it isn't "harassment" if it's "just" invading personal space. No one could prove a thing. Ha. Use the same logic as the perverts of the world to get even. And besides, I thought what I said was totally hilarious. Can't you take a joke? Isn't that what the patriarchalists like you always ask us to do?
What the hell are you talking about? I suddenly endorse patriarchy because I do not advocate bashing someone in the eye? I took your "joke" seriously because there was no indication that it was a joke.
You need to grow the hell up, kid.
QFT! Who cares about the and sexual harassment and degradation of women? I bet next they'll tell us to stop kicking puppies and burning crosses on our neighbors' lawns. Stop overreacting, PC police, and leave our hobbies alone!
Regardless of what you do, absolutely do not refrain from acting based on not wanting to get a superior in trouble. If you would call someone on your level in the workplace out on the carpet for the same actions, do it to this guy too.
If you choose not to take certain actions because they could complicate your own life, that's a frustrating position for you to be in, but at least it's based on doing what's best for you. But it does zero good- zero- to act (or not) based on the interests of the person who's causing you this hassle.
My advice would be to start with, use "'I' statements." Tell him you need more space to be comfortable than he's giving you. That way you can deal with it in a way that won't be accusatory but will get your point across. If it doesn't work, maybe remind him once or twice, then go to his superiors or someone of equal standing as him.
Thanks for the advice everyone, I will try to discuss it with him next time the issue arises (luckily he's not in the office this week). As many of you pointed out, even though this is an awkward conversation to have, it is probably the most effective way of changing the situation.
To provide a little more context, this man stands too close to a number of other people, but only female ones. Most of the other women however don't have to work closely with him and when they do the majority of communication is via emails and messages.
I will keep you posted on how things go . . .
Actually, I wouldn't go to his superiors. I would mention it to him that you are uncomfortable with him in your personal space. But going over someone's head to their boss tends to really tick them off... (at least in my experience)
I would also recommend talking to your HR department... you could even do this before you talk to him... ask the HR person what the procedure is when someone is making you this uncomfortable at work. You don't even have to name names yet.. you can wait until you've talked directly to him and if it gets worse, go to HR.
The reason I suggest HR over a supervisor is because supervisors aren't necessarily required to document this stuff, but HR is. THis way, if there are any negative repercussions after you talk to him, you've already started a paper trail. (to be really sure it's documented, you can follow-up and HR visit with an email).
I had a bad supervisor once. I tried to work it out with her instead of going to HR with my concerns. When push came to shove, I'm the one who lost my job. You need to document the problems you are having, if only to cover your own ass.
sorry - this is wordy... i haven't had my coffee yet today....
i should clarify that first paragraph.... i don't think you should necessarily "avoid" upsetting this person by not saying anything... but usually companies have a policy on how to deal with this crap and it usually involves HR (after talking to the person directly). I only suggest not going over his head for your own sake... I did that once and it created a really tense, really uncomfortable supervisor/supervisee relationship for the rest of the time I worked there. You don't want to make your job even more miserable....