I've come to that horrible realisation that in my lifetime, I will never be treated as a woman by society.
Not only that, but I will never be treated as - or seen as - a woman, by many of the people I interact with on a daily basis.
This revelation (or more accurately, allowing myself to think about it) really, really hurts. It hurts to the core of my being and when I think too hard about it, the tears come.
It goes beyond the regular facets of being unable to go stealth, which could be possible in the future, with many sacrifices (cutting off friends, family, moving countries, etc).
It's the realisation that, lacking a uterus and ovaries, I will never have children.
It's the lack of the correctly gendered childhood, which means that I'd have to make up lies - lies which could be investigated for their validity and ultimately out me.
It's the fact that I'll have to regularly stick a series of graduated plastic dildo up myself to keep my surgically created vagina from closing up and making me a new kind of freak.
It's the people who tell crass jokes and regale you with disgusting anecdotes about their buddy taking a tranny home, all the while professing to be totally cool with you.
It's the people whom you have to force, via the intervention of HR and management, to call you the correct pronouns and cease referring to you as a 'gentleman'.
It's the people who think you're just a gay man and that it's cute that you're so femme and that your dress sense is faaaaabulous - the same people who want you to come shopping with them like you're some kind of hip new accessory.
It's the sudden silence that descends on the lunchroom when you walk it.
It's the stares from new employees who have had someone 'kindly' inform them of your trans status.
It's the awkward, prying and personal questions.
It's the constant pressure to play 'educator' to the trans ignorant.
It's the nagging knowledge that locked into every cell of your body are two letters at the end of the alphabet which betrays your birth gender to anyone who knows how to look for it.
It's the inability to forget being raised and socialised as a male, no matter how hard you try to forget or create fantasy back-history.
It's the pain of still having dreams in which you are male, despite years of living as a woman.
It's the unconscious betrayal of your biology against your gender identity.
And there's precious little I can do about any of this.
Still, even being a passable facsimile of a woman is better than living an even faker existence as a completely miserable man, on the brink of insanity.
That's what keeps me going.
Small mercies, eh?
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Hi, thanks for letting me learn from your experience!
I would say that you are as much as a real woman as I am. I was born with female genitalia and am cis-gendered female. However, I am childless by choice. My non-parental status does not make me less of a woman, and it does not make you less, either. Also, I really feel for you to have to struggle in an insensitive and ignorant environment. You deserve better!
I'm sorry you have to go through all of that. People can really suck. And I think you are a real woman. I'm sure many people agree with me. Sadly, the ignorant will always be with us. Try not to let them get you down.
Joan
You are brave to share this.
There is so much about gender we don't know and so much we don't know and I personally don't know about transgender issues. What I will say is I know it must grow weary for you to have to be constantly an "educator", as you put it, for those who don't know anything about trans issues. I would hope that at least some of these people are genuinely desirous of understanding.
I am so sorry that so many people won't accept you for who you are. Thank you for sharing this. I'm cis, but I'm an ally and I'm always trying to learn and be more inclusive.
We just have to try to continue to raise awareness and educate people, and speak to discrimination and uncalled for judgements or be a part of that education for others whenever we are able.
I don't know where you live or what social support network you have. I live in Columbia, MO and I'm a member of the TransAction Team at the university which has many wonderful trans-identified people and allies. If you ever need to add to your support network I would be happy to help.
I accept you for who you are.
I've met one person who had M-to-F surgery, which is like, woo, anecdote, whatever, but we sat and talked for about 45 minutes, and I learned an absolute shitload from her.
One notable difference between what she told me and what you're saying here is that it never became an issue in her daily life- at least, no more than dealing with having guy bits was doing to her. Everybody she works with knows, mainly because she's a VP at the same company she worked at before the surgery, but she said it never became an issue because she never let it happen.
Essentially, she treated any issues with her identity as someone else's problem. He doesn't like it? That's his problem. She thinks it's weird? That's her problem. There are certain things that can't be rectified, like not being able to have children, but she refused to feel the need to lie about or hide her past, ignore that it ever existed (in fact, she'd remember it to remind herself that even when life gets wonky, it's better now than it was), or otherwise try to treat that first part of her life as though it didn't exist. It did, and it was instrumental in creating the person she became; how could she disregard it?
This is not a switch you flip. These are things that take time to understand and become comfortable with. And while anyone who is in a situation where they're consistently different has to deal with this to a degree, since your circumstances are more severe than theirs, trying to talk to anyone not in your specific situation is going to help them more than you (though it could help you too, never know). It may not be easy to reach a point where you say, this is who I am and I'm happy with it, but it's not impossible.
Good luck.
I don't know if this is the same, but I'm gonna put it out there:
You just gotta accept you are---where you come from---your past---embrace it, celebrate it, own it.
Like, when I was living in Japan, everyone knew I wasn't Japanese. I would never be accepted as a Japanese person. I would never be with the "in" crowd. I would always be an outsider. But what makes that bearable is knowing that I have an identity as an American---as a member of my family. I have a whole host of identities that I'm proud of, that I work from, I'm not just a woman.
I guess being awknowledged as a woman is something so basic that that probably trumps anything I mentioned above--so I'm not sure if that helps any. :(
I don't want to embrace, celebrate or own being transgendered.
It's not like being a lesbian and being 'out and proud'. It's not something to be proud of. The goal is to be treated like any other woman, not differentiate yourself from other women.
I don't want to have the identity of 'transgendered' like you have the identity of 'American'. Being transgendered is not something I am happy about. Being American is something that you can be proud of and own with ease. You can also easily leave the Japanese environment and return to America, where you belong.
Trans people don't have a point of origin which they can return to and not be different; except perhaps by detransitioning, which is something I consider worse than a death sentence.
Back to your first point:
I accept who I am, quite completely. It's other people who don't accept who I am and that's the root of the problem. It's fine to say "Oh, they're the one with the problem, not me" but when their actions impact on you every day, in the workplace or in public, it becomes my problem too. When someone violently assaults me for being trans (which has occurred twice to date), it's not just their problem, it's very much my problem too.
"The goal is to be treated like any other woman, not differentiate yourself from other women."
You want to get ignored by the staff at Guitar Center because you're the female half of a couple? Would that be a victory? Probably not.
Cis women try to differentiate themselves from other women all the time. And I just don't mean with clothes and make up.
"Being transgendered is not something I am happy about."
I know it's a huge risk for you in ways it's not for me. But why can't you be happy about it? I mean, being a woman in general has huge risks, and I fight against that and I have to deal with it. You've had the chance to transition, when other people have committed suicide or have been unable to transition. I mean, that seems to me, something to celebrate.
"Being American is something that you can be proud of and own with ease. "
Well, that depends. I've had to hide my nationality sometimes overseas for my safety.
"You can also easily leave the Japanese environment and return to America, where you belong."
Well, not sure if America is where I 'belong' exactly, but there are certain things I love about Japan and there are certain things I love about America.
I understand that other people's problems with you become your problem. It's not fair and I'm in complete agreement with you on that point.
You want to get ignored by the staff at Guitar Center because you're the female half of a couple? Would that be a victory? Probably not.
Yes, I would want that. Yes, it would be an incredible victory for me, because it would mean that I am passing as a natal female and being treated as a natal female.
Try being refused service (or being kicked out of a store) because you are trans. You know, your cis privilege is really showing here.
Cis women try to differentiate themselves from other women all the time. And I just don't mean with clothes and make up.
My goal here is to blend in with other women, not stand out from them as something ‘other’ than woman. Surely that isn’t difficult to understand?
I know it's a huge risk for you in ways it's not for me. But why can't you be happy about it?
I’m sorry, but what the f**king hell?
Do you pull this routine on cancer patients? “I know cancer sucks, but why can’t you be happy about it? I mean, fear of impending death gives your life new perspective and consolidates your beliefs – think about how awesome that is!”
I challenge you to present as a man for one week, male clothes, male haircut, chest binder, packer, fake stubble and introduce yourself as 'David' to everyone you meet.
After you're done, tell me how happy it made you.
If you're not willing to accept said challenge, then be silent.
You've had the chance to transition, when other people have committed suicide or have been unable to transition. I mean, that seems to me, something to celebrate.
For someone who doesn’t have to deal with being trans on a day-to-day basis, I’m sure that sounds absolutely wonderful.
I'll tell you what would be worth celebrating: being cisgendered. I'd party every damn day.
Well, that depends. I've had to hide my nationality sometimes overseas for my safety.
Travelling overseas was your choice. Being transgendered is not a choice. I have to hide my birth gender every single day for my safety. Again, your privilege is showing.
Well, not sure if America is where I 'belong' exactly, but there are certain things I love about Japan and there are certain things I love about America.
There's nothing I love about being trans. Not one single thing.
Nothing.
Do you understand?
The Japan/America analogy really doesn't work, and drastically overly simplifies the matter.
1st: I've never heard of a Japanese person born into an American's body. That alone makes this a false analogy.
2nd: Even though you'd stand out in Japan, people there would accept that you're appearance is one of the many forms that people come in. Your features would be accepted as "natural." Many people look at a transperson like a freak of nature, like they don't even belong to the human race.
While being ignored at a guitar store is a royal pain in the ass that I can attest to, I'll bet Vexing might get some overtly negative attention, and possibly not served at all.
P.S. I stick a dildo in my vagina to stretch my hymen so I'd put that in the woman column!! :)
I'm taking a queer literature class and one of the books we are reading right now is called "Gender Outlaw" by Kate Bornstein and it is about her experience transitioning and trying live as herself. The little blurb on the back reads, "I know I'm not a man... and I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably not a woman either... The trouble is, we're living in a would that insists we be one or the other". I just started it last night, and it's pretty good so far and it might be helpful to read about someone else's experience might help.
I wish I could give you some wonderful tidbits of advice, but I'm afraid I tend to lack in those. *internet hug*
[insert rant]: I think it's really horrible that we live in a society that has only two genders; there are plenty of different societies which have (or had) more than one gender (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_gender), I just hate how we try to fit people into one of two boxes. It's kind of like telling someone to wear a pair of glasses which isn't the right prescription for them-- it won't help them and it makes no impact on anyone else which glasses they wear. We desperately need a cultural revolution against hate and bigotry of all forms.
*Hugs back*
Hey, I'm crappy at advice too. If I could fix my own problems, I wouldn't be typing in this thread.
Curiously, the current 'Third Gender' concept creates as many problems as it solves. For example, should I travel to Samoa for a holiday (which is quite likely, since I live in New Zealand), I will be treated as a fa'afafine, not a man or a woman.
While that might be acceptable if one identifies as 'Third Gender' or 'Other', it's not acceptable for people like me who want to be treated as strictly 'Female'.
I ache for the cultural revolution which will allow society to recognise people as whatever they wish to identify as.
As a wise friend of mine said:
"Society needs to catch a clue that we're not bits in digital space. Nature does analogue. Grrrrr."
I was so sorry to hear that you got so much abuse for this post. It's so incredibly brave and awesome and true.
I'm a transdude, and this is essentially the mirror image of what I go through. Stay strong, and I hope you come back soon. We need as many trans voices on this blog (and all over) as we can get, trolls be damned!