A few weeks ago, I was visiting my parents in my hometown, a moderately-sized city. My mom and dad live in the “nice” part of town, in a neighborhood that has the feel of a small-town community. I spent years walking around, going to get coffee, running to the grocery store, buying gifts for birthday parties, etc. It's a sweet little district, and it's where I went to school until I was 14, went to the movies with my friends, and took longs walks around to think.
It's also the place where I first encountered catcalls. I remember the first time—I was going up to the store on an overcast Saturday, probably to buy candy. I was a boyish twelve-year-old in jeans and a sweatshirt, and when I was passing the middle school, an older man drove by and whistled. It was startling, but it wasn't traumatizing.
In the ten years since, I have been catcalled thousands of times, by men and boys of all ages, in cities across the country, in every season, in every state of dress. It's at the point where I don't register many of the whistles anymore.
When I was at home last month, I was walking from my parents' house to the same store on a Saturday. It was sunny, and I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. This time, I was with a tall male friend. We crossed the street, and he turned to me and asked if the guy on the corner had just whistled at me. I looked at him, thought for a second, and said that probably he did, but I didn't notice anymore. If it happens nine out of the ten times you're outside, mostly minor catcalls get ignored. He said, “Oh. You know, I've only been catcalled once,” and told a story about when he got a haircut at 16 and a woman had hollered at him from a car. He said it made him feel attractive.
I didn't know what to say for a second, and then I told him that when it happens all the time, it's not complimentary. It feels like strangers are trying to take ownership of my body. It feels like I'm no longer a person, but a billboard or a sex doll. It's being told that people don't need to know me, that because of my breasts and vagina they can tell me, publicly and often, that my worth is tied only to those organs. I told him that one summer, I was afraid to go outside. It felt like assault. It felt like a trap. My body, personhood, womanhood, femalehood, was a sick joke that everyone got to tell.
He got uncomfortable. He changed the subject.
What would you have said?
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Lol, welcome to the real world honey.
Can't say much to this but this is an example to use to men who don't understand feminism.
Lol, welcome to the real world honey.
Did somebody just say that on a feminist blog? For reals?
I just hope that men are listening. The problem I find is that just as being a Feminist requires a degree of maturity and civility, so does being an ally.
I probably would have said something along the same lines. It's not complimentary if that's the only thing we're being told is attractive about us.
Now, if someone catcalled out "I'd like to hear your opinions on worldly happening, ow ow!" then I might reconsider ;)
You were correct.
As has been pointed out in another thread, while men also have the right to their own bodies, even harassment and inappropriate touching from ATTRACTIVE females would not warrant the same reactions from the men (or if they complained) as the more common and serious problem of women being harrassed by men.
I'm betting your friend was catcalled by women he considered average or attractive. If "ugly" or "fat chicks" had expressed their interest, he would probably have been offended.
If he became uncomfortable, then he was thinking about it. Ergo, you said the right thing.
You said basically what every woman wants to say, and has a right to say. If he doesn't want to listen that's on him, not you!
For what it's worth (perhaps little?) there's an excellent article on why this is often a difficult thing for men to understand, even if they're well-meaning: Of never feeling hot: the missing narrative of desire in the lives of straight men
It seems like what you said was perfectly sensible; you shouldn't expect him to get it easily or quickly, when his experience is so different.
Thank you very much for that link. The OP there is spot on, imho.
I think the commonality of cat calls really factors into how you feel about it.
When they first started, they made me ecstatic. I was young and a fairly average looking kid and they basically made me feel pretty. I remember the exact time that that changed. I was walking home after school in the winter, big poofy coat on, and some jackass in a sports car put his fingers in a V and stuck hos tongue between them. I was 12. I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew it was sexual. From that moment on, I understood all cat calls, no matter what was said, to be a threat. I still don't know how to respond to them. Every year or so I change my tactics but nothing ever makes me feel safe and not...used.
Thanks for your thoughtful responses.
My friend is a dear, dear person who listens to what I say, and I know that what I told him shifted his perspective.
My purpose is posting was to see, really, what someone else would have said. I want to know how others would respond, no judgment ask for or given on my part.
Not only do I not find this behavior flattering, but I find it frightening, especially as some such men have tried to touch or kiss me as well. It is a continual reminder of the vulnerability I face as a woman and a control mechanism that causes me to limit my movement for fear of being raped.
What I have come to realize the more it happens is that many of the men are not trying to compliment me. Rather, they are trying to exhibit overtly their sexual desire and/or prove their masculinity. If it was really about flattery, they would do it in a way that is not scary, a way that does not convey the sexual nature of their thoughts and make me feel like they could try to rape or assault me at any moment.
The difference between catcalls at women and catcalls at men is that there is a stark backdrop of violence against women in which to contextualize the catcall. Set against the real prevalence of sexual violence, the catcall is a threat, not a compliment. Usually I relate some of my scariest experiences (to which these blissfully ignorant men are always shocked) and then relate it to how frightening it can be to go out by oneself. I want men to know how we feel because this is needs to change. We should not be in fear of half the population and trying to limit our movement and conduct to try to avoid male aggression. It is insane how much is expected of women to avoid rape.