Even though I already have a series of outlets: a great partner, a few friends who listen, and my own blog I need to expel my frustration to a community that is more responsive. I love feministing and I just can't think of a better place to rant, cry, and get some good feedback.
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This past August, just a week before classes officially started in most colleges in the U.S., I was sexually assaulted by someone I had once considered a friend. He had been drinking and I was totally sober. We were hanging out at a frat party making fun of the horrible music that was being played and just catching up since we hadn't seen each other in a while. I actually ended up storming out of the party because this other guy was being a total asshole and tried to whip out his dick on me. So I left with my middle fingers in the air, yelling at him and all that. And my assaultant followed me saying stuff like,"Yeah that guy's such a douchebag!" Totally agreeing with me on every issue and just being cool.
So we both agreed that it would be awesome to hang out at my place to listen to some music and catch up some more. As soon as we get to my place he's all over me like flies on shit. I tell him, "Look, if I wanted to have sex with you I would have invited you over to have sex not to listen to music." So he starts huffing and puffing and tries to guilt trip me into hooking up with him. I let him know that I'm not hearing it, and he still pins me down anyway and forces me to kiss him. I eventually wiggle my way into a position where I can push him off, and while he runs to the bathroom I IM the only friend who happens to be online at 2 a.m. and tell them to stay around just in case things get worse. This guy comes back and forces me to kiss him again. I push him off and he demands that I give him a "goodbye" kiss. I say no, get the fuck out of here. He tries to sneak another kiss from me, so I wrap my fingers around his throat, choking him and staring him down. "I don't want to hook up with you. Get out of here now."
The next morning I confront him in a public place with professors and friends chillin' in the park where I'm at. I recount the story for him from my perspective and tell him that whatever "hooking up" he thought we did wasn't consensual and that he will never hang out with me again. I also use this time to remind him of my past - as we had already talked extensively about it before - that I was stalked and raped by a man 12 years older than me throughout my entire junior year of high school. Being sexually assaulted again thoroughly shook whatever stability I had been working so hard on.
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Now, I've reported this whole incident to campus safety at my college and my assaultant has even confirmed my entire report while apologizing profusely. But still people don't seem to get how hard all of this is on me. Just because I've been raped before and I'm the biggest anti-rape activist on campus, that doesn't mean I'm invincible. I'm still having a really fucken hard time.
This is my first time reporting any abuse done to me.
I've met with the dean to talk about what kind of punishment I want. I tell them I don't want to press criminal charges but I do want to take disciplinary action. So I suggest that he go to all the MAC (Men Advocating for Change) meetings, address his substance abuse issues, and write an anonymous column exploring what he did and why in an independent webzine I'm starting. The dean starts saying stuff about how my assaultant needs to agree to the terms I set. WHY THE HELL DOES HE HAVE TO AGREE TO HIS TERMS OF PUNISHMENT?! IF HE CAN VIOLATE ME, I CAN MAKE SURE THAT HE DEALS WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS ON MY TERMS!
I have had to take the initiative for everything: setting up meetings, researching what my options are, getting conversations going, etc. No one - not even the dean or campus safety - has bothered to meet me halfway on this whole issue, or even check in with me to make sure I'm doing alright. Mind you I have only met with the dean once, and I had to send him a demanding email just to get more information out of him on meeting with the guy who assaulted me. And all he says is "Call my secretary and set up an appointment. Then we can talk."
What is more frustrating is that the fraternity my assaultant belongs to is now totally blanking me - ignoring me/refusing to acknowledge my existence/stating that I'm lying and that I wasn't sexually assaulted. The social scene at my college is completely dominated by fraternity culture: there is no other social outlet. And any other outlets that do exist revolve around getting extremely wasted and sexually assaulting women. Why does this guy get institutionalized support when it's so clear that he's sexually assaulted me?! Why do I have to fight tooth and nail for the institution that claims to support me just to get them to respond to my fucken emails?!
If anyone should be publically ostracized and humiliated it's him!
As far as I know, I'm the only women on this campus to go this public about being assaulted here. Which is absurd considering that pretty much every woman I know on this campus has experienced some form of sexuall assault and/or harassment. People are ambivalent about the whole thing! Some women are like, "Yeah that's so fucked up." And then most of the guys I know look like they are either going to shit their pants or tell me to shut up any time I bring the subject up. But no one is doing anything!
I'm sorry this entry is so long, but I have so much frustration and anger in me I need to get the whole story and all my questions out.
So for all of you:
What the hell can I do to get things moving in a faster and more efficient manner?
What are my options for punishment? People mention pressing criminal charges but the guy will just get a fee that goes to the state. If anyone gets money it should be me! And besides, wouldn't I need a lawyer for something like that? I don't have the money for that kind of thing. Other people mention taking "disciplinary action" but they fail to explain to me what that means. Does the assaultant get suspended from school, or does he just have to go to AA meetings for a couple months?
What other outlets are available for women in college who have been assaulted? Especially for women who attend colleges that don't care at all about women's safety.
Thanks for taking the time to read all of this! And to those of you who take the time to respond: a million thanks!
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You don't need a lawyer to press criminal charges. The District Attorney is your lawyer in that case -- though the case only goes forward at the discretion of the DA. Given a cooperative DA, you may be able to force him into AA or some other rehabilitation system as a plea bargain (in lieu of jail time or a fine).
If you want him to pay you, rather than the government, you could always sue him in civil court. With his previous admission of guilt, it might be a pretty easy victory (presuming you can prove that he previously admitted guilt -- there are evidence rules for these scenarios).
You don't necessarily need a lawyer, though it may be a good idea. I'm not sure about your state's legal code, but in some state, lawyers can work on contingency -- i.e. they don't get paid if you don't win. This can be a problem, however, if the guy you're suing is broke (like most college students are). You may also be able to force him into AA or some other rehab as an out-of-court settlement to drop the suit.
Outside of the legal system, you can continue to pressure the dean to suspend him, but I don't know if there is any way to force the school's administration to act. There may be some internal arbitration system or student government mechanism for bringing up problems with other students -- but I don't know how effective any of them may be.
kbz
Press criminal charges the school is likely interested in their reputation which this creep probably knows it will help you and others. It's scary but take one step at a time go to the local police station and say you would like to report a crime they will take it from there. He may have done this before and no one did any thing. It’s scary but a good feeling to you must press charges .And remind the school of all the money you are paying them to protect you as well. I went back five years after the fact into another state it didn’t go that well but I did feel glad I did something. I’d told people much like deans about the incident and they did nothing, you must call the cops in .If not for you for some one else. And some one else came forward after I did as well.
Think of the poor women who aren't believed because they are too poor or minorities or in institutions. I'd filled all kinds of reports on what happened to me and only when I went back three hundred miles wacked into a police station and said I needed to see an officer did a feel any better. I only wish I had done more. There were some things standing in my way but still wish I could have pushed it harder.But I'm so very very glad I went back to that police station and at least got to some hearings.
Think of the poor women who aren't believed because they are too poor or minorities or in institutions. I'd filled all kinds of reports on what happened to me and only when I went back three hundred miles walked into a police station and said I needed to see an officer did a feel any better. I only wish I had done more. There were some things standing in my way but still wish I could have pushed it harder.But I'm so very very glad I went back to that police station and at least got to some hearings.At least it's on a permonent police record.
It's permanently on file with suspects names.