This is to all women who have ever gotten any "compliments" that they either wanted or didn't want concerning their appearance, and especially, to those who had to pay far too high a price to hear them. So as you can see, the net is cast pretty wide and has nothing to do with whatever is on the cover of Cosmo or Vanity Fair (none of which is real given the Photoshopping, in any case, so they might as well start using cartoonists). If I address myself to young women, however this is defined, it's because the young are more often more vulnerable. I know I was, and I wish someone had written this for me to read, since I did not get the chance to take my own advice.
By now, you have certainly been ogled and cat-called at least once. You have probably been harassed several times at school and at work, perhaps even groped or otherwise assaulted.
Odds are that these experiences did not make you feel happy about being attractive. You are probably angry, instead. And you are angry because all your life, society kept telling you how important it was to be beautiful, and as soon as you appear to achieve this mystical golden status, you are punished for it. Of course, you are not supposed to think this is the case at all. No: you are supposed to feel you have the right to be beautiful, that this is empowering, but somehow, the voices in your head and the messages from men on all those bulletin boards after a rape story gets published online tell you otherwise. Every single time, they tell you that by being beautiful, you are inviting abuse.
It's like society telling the chicken about to be killed, cooked and eaten for dinner that it must look as delicious as possible, or it is not a good enough chicken. Of course, you are expected to pay to look good for your abattoir, through makeup, clothes and surgery, even though you would undoubtedly be considered quite attractive enough - certainly to a rapist - if you walked down the street wearing a sack of potatoes with ashes in your hair. Whatever joy you may feel, or may have felt, at feeling pretty evaporates as soon as the snorting, shuffling abusers reach out to consume and destroy you for their own purposes.
So if you feel this anger, it's entirely justified. Of course, should you dare to express it, society will look at you with great alarm, and declare you a man-hating, ugly hairy bitter feminist, even if only five minutes before, there was someone making sexual comments about your ass, your tits, your face, or any other body part you care to mention.
When society declares you such an awful person, you are supposed to feel devastated, because after all, you are not fulfilling your role of looking delicious and therefore will not satisfy the requirements of the abattoir which is out there waiting for you. This is supposed to make you feel inadequate, because you have no real life outside of this purpose which was created for you, without your consent, without you getting a vote on the subject, well before you were born. This purpose is to feed male fantasies. After all, men are presented with an endless supply of female flesh as a reward for good capitalist behaviour, and society wouldn't want them to realize it's all a crock, so it's better for the patriarchy to let them shoot a few victims out of frustration than to let the whole system fail. Whatever else you achieve - intelligence, education, talent, saving the world, etc. - must be done in heels, with long flowing hair, and a surgically-enhanced figure like the one on Laura Croft, because otherwise: well, poor you.
Should you feel yourself getting even angrier just about now, you are being entirely logical.
As a beautiful young woman, however, there's more you need to know. You have no right to your own beauty, since it was constructed for the pleasure of others, namely men. As such, your face and body are public property, and cannot be denied to others. Of course, once again, you are not supposed to come to this conclusion, since it sounds much too frightening and terrible and no one likes to lose hope, or reveal the truth to the patsies of the world. Should you reject your would-be suitors, you are a bitch and risk getting shot in public or private places. At the very least you will be ostracized, you will be considered difficult, or you will be ridiculed on some other account.
After all this, you may very well wonder where in the world is this power of the vagina that Megan Fox insists helps women rule the world, because personally, you don't feel like you rule much of anything, not without paying a price. A very high one. And as you pay this price, you realize you are not in control.
The best you can hope for is for Prince Charming, aka Your Body Guard, or German Shepherd, to come sweep you off your feet to protect you from all the other predators out there, so that Other Men can stop looking at you, and speak only to the Body Guard, because after all you belong to him, and it isn't right to covet another man's property. That way you can be safe for now, until he drops you, or you drop him, in which case it's back to Open Season on you, since you will be available, like a table in a restaurant or a taxi cab, and will be treated as such.
Should you be feeling depressed just about now, you are also, unfortunately, being entirely logical.
So what can you do? The most important thing to do is to stop believing the drivel you are being fed about the importance of conforming to social standards, whether they are beauty standards or standards of people-pleasing, nice-girl behaviour, since these are only setting you up to be hurt, controlled, abused and exploited.
Be aware of your right to autonomy in every way, but also be aware that you will face opposition at every turn. Remember that consent is the default assumption whenever a woman is treated as a human kleenex for men. You will need witnesses. This means you will have to reject and humiliate men, without mercy, very loudly, in front of as many people as possible, when you don't want men looking at or touching you if they are doing this. Of course, this will make you look like a bitch, which is a daunting prospect, but as woman you have those two choices: bitch, or victim. (Unfortunately, there is no guarantee you will not become both, but you might as well go down fighting like hell, no?) Should this scenario happen in the office, you may be told you are disturbing the workplace peace and atmosphere and you may have to come out kicking and screaming against this injustice, which will probably get you fired, and will force you to go to a Human Rights Commission which may or may not award you a few thousand dollars after five years of litigation and blacklisting during which your career is completely destroyed. Or you can be devious, and find other ways to sabotage your opponents.
Above all, be ruthless, since the alternative will not get you anywhere further. Remember the men who do these things to you are not playing fair, they will never consciously apologize of their own volition, and they will never hesitate to crush you if you threaten them. You must give yourself the right to do the same to them. Never feel sorry for them, never apologize, and never look back.
If at the moment, you are feeling depressed as well as angry, you are being lucid. Welcome to the world we live in today. It's a world that must change, absolutely without question. The first step is to wake up and see the water in which you swim. Good luck.
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Thanks Dominique!
I spend every day dealing with this s**t too! And when I complain about the harrasment I get, well - everywhere, really (every women does). I swiftly get told that I am pretty, so what do I expect?????
So not only am I harassed....I am victim-blamed too!! Lovely.
It's pure, disgusting, every-day abuse and I am sick of it.
thanks for this. Its so disheartening sometimes to know that the minute I walk out of my dorm room I am going to be accosted by guys who are going to harass and cat-call at me. I'm so fed up with it. But according to the university, its not actual harassment because they have never acted on anything. Fucking bullshit is what is boils down to. Pure fucking bullshit
Terrific post. I am very feminine, have a rocking body, and am pretty. I love to wear dresses, short shorts, and tight shirts, but every time I do I don't feel safe unless I'm with my boyfriend because I can just FEEL the men leering. I hate it, but the only thing I can do about it is dress how I want and walk with unapologetic confidence. And when I tell men to fuck off, it's like I cut their dick off with a rusty knife or something. Clearly, when I'm being harassed, THEY'RE the ones who are hurt. Fuck that.
Of course you should never be made to feel unsafe or disrespected and if you are speaking about leering to the point of being gross or disrespectful I get that too. However, that said, I do kind of find it annoying when women (and I am a woman) complain about guys checking them out or looking at their figure when they are dressing in short shorts and tight shirts unless they are dressed that way for sports or something. I mean, if a guy with a "rocking body" is running around in really tight jean or a muscle T or shirtless I am going to check him out. Its natural to a certain point and if you are dressing in clothes that show off your figure then you can expect people who find you attractive to look. That said, if you are only talking about the guys who stare so long and hard that they want you or their friends to notice them staring, then I get you.
Of course I'm not talking about someone just looking/checking me out, and I find it incredibly insulting that you would jump to think that and immediately want to victim-blame. I'm talking about leers, men who ogle and don't stop, men who stare and don't stop, men who stare and comment, men who stare and blow kisses. Men who, instead of appreciating the way I look and moving on, feel the need to assume things about my personality or intentions based on the way I dress. You know, the difference between attraction and objectification? I really don't want my comment to become a jumping point for people's complaints about women who "complain about guys checking them out or looking at their figure when they are dressing in short shorts and tight shirts." And what the hell would be the difference between just wearing skimpy clothes for fun and wearing skimpy clothes "for sports or something"? Just because YOU see sports as an acceptable reason to dress skimpy, doesn't mean that there aren't other acceptable reasons.
I didn't jump to that conclusion; I was unsure what you were referring to and that is why I thought I made it clear in my post that if you were talking about more than being checked out I agreed with you. Read the last line of my post in which I say "I am with you" GAH. This has nothing to do with victim blaming and I think jumping to call anything that really cheapens that term.
women know the difference. It is pure and utter bullsh** when men claim "she objects to anyone looking" if you don't have to social skills to understand the difference between leering/ogling and looking, that's one thing-there are people in the world who genuinely can't learn that. But not most. 99% of the leering is done knowingly, and is done to be an ass. and here's another hint, and a reason I don't believe the whole "it's just looking/it's a compliment" a compliment doesn't require the object of the compliment to give you a good reaction. If you get mad at her getting annoyed, it's not a compliment.
I'm with you on this. I've thought a lot about the boundary between acceptable and unacceptable behavior when it comes to attractive strangers on the street. As always, it comes down to consent. For example, I see a cute boy/girl on the subway and smile at them. They see it, but do not smile back. Slightly saddened, I continue reading my book and stop all advances towards them. See? See how I followed initial contact by immediately assessing THEIR COMFORT LEVEL? If they had smiled back, I would have taken this as consent - not to fuck them or to assume they are sluts, or assume ANYTHING - but to smile again, and perhaps to say "Hi."
It's not that hard to remain respectful while still being attracted to people you don't know. Just consider their feelings, for chrissakes.
The question is, why do you love to wear dresses, short shirts, and tight shirts? What do you love about it? I can completely relate to you in how you feel...I feel unsafe unless I am with a group of women or my boyfriend because of how I am being looked at. Then I questioned myself on why I felt the need to dress in a "sexy" manner, and it became clear to me that I was doing it because I felt that I had to. In our society sexual power is seen as women's power. I personally don't want to continue adhering to that belief....so now I work on presenting my many other powers
I have had problems recently reconciling the way I dress with the way I want people to perceive me. I love fashion and I'm quite a clotheshorse, and I really love my body. I hate wearing long pants in general, and I hate sweating, so if it's above 60 I'm not wearing pants and if it's above 80 I'm not wearing more than a t-shirt unless I'm in a professional setting. So, like you, I analyzed why I am dressing the way I am. The only problem is, some people I know (including my own boyfriend, gahhh) have mentioned how refreshing it is that a feminist is using her looks to her advantage. When I hear that, I want to scream NOOOOOOO. But, while that isn't my intention with dressing the way I do, I have had to admit to myself that other people will give me special privileges for being cute, sexy, hot, whatever. That sometimes both men and women may be nicer to me. The downside of that is that they may also patronize me. Thank you for bringing up this part of the issue.
Huh, who knew being ugly had an upside? No one pays the slightest bit of attention to me, no matter what I wear.
Samesies. Intellectually, I totally understand the OP`s point, and am with her every step of the way. In my heart, however, I think; "Oh, wahhh wahh wahh, listen to the poor widdle princess complain."
One of my friends once said; "I wonder if the privilege that comes with beauty would ever provide enough power to thwart the gilded cage somehow. Like the way hybrid cars harness friction from braking and store it in the battery."
I'm going to think about that for a while.
no, it won't-the theory that it does is an antifeminist idea to get women to shut up and try to put all their energy into being pretty, near as I can tell. all the "power" derived from being pretty is borrowed, and only as long as those doing the desiring are willing to let you borrow it. doesn't sound like a winner to me.
Well said. I don't think I've heard it put that way before.
"try to put all their energy into being pretty...."
There are women who don't need to do anything but get out bed in the morning to be considered "pretty". What about their energy?
I'm not being facetious, I really want to know.
they can still put more or less time and energy into looking pretty.
I understand your reaction of "Oh, wahhh wahh wahh, listen to the poor widdle princess complain." But, please consider that those "poor widdle princess(es)" rarely if ever get to speak for their own feelings regarding their beauty. Beautiful women are silenced enough in this culture as it is.
I feel your pain, but being objectified, harrassed, threatened, etc. because of the way you look is not the same as being worshipped for your beauty. Not to mention, all kinds of women get this kind of threatment, not just the beautiful ones.
I can second that. Having the figure of a scrawny 12 year old boy renders me invisible. Hmm, does that make me a ninja?
Anger is justified in this situation when the deck is stacked so unfairly against women. However, I do know the destructive power of anger, not just to all of us, but to the individual as well. Anger poisons from within and permeates decision making processes.
My point in saying this is that while anger can be a motivating factor, it can easily turn to bitterness and bitterness isolates allies as well as enemies. Ruthlessness seems like a good solution, except that it creates enemies right off the bat. Perhaps a better strategy would be to get to the point that you have a thick enough skin that what anyone says or thinks about you is of no consequence. There will always be detractors for anyone willing to live outside of societal norms, but so what.
Ruthlessness seems like a good solution, except that it creates enemies right off the bat.
Isn't that backwards, lol? I feel like women are already the enemy---an enemy to be conquered, an enemy not considered formidable and thus not worthy of a minimum level of respect that men typically will go out of their way to give one another (often because of fear of aforementioned ruthlessness).
While I am, by all standards (my own and those of society) a good looking woman, and while I have experienced the kind of harassment the OP is talking about, I take issue with what seemed to me as an implication that it is just the "beautiful" women that face these challenges - or that they face them to a far greater degree than the "plain" women.
"As a beautiful young woman, however, there's more you need to know. You have no right to your own beauty, since it was constructed for the pleasure of others, namely men. As such, your face and body are public property, and cannot be denied to others" - this is not because of the beauty. It's not like the "beautiful" women are considered public property while the "non beautiful" women are believed to be their own persons. When women are objectified, it is usually a general attitude, not one dependent on looks or other characteristics.
"This means you will have to reject and humiliate men, without mercy, very loudly, in front of as many people as possible, when you don't want men looking at or touching you if they are doing this" -- if you are indeed talking about men who are harassing you (as I hope you do, since why would you want to humiliate innocent men?)I've had to do that as well, to catcallers, mostly. I agree that often women have to be especially vocal and explicit in rejecting some men because those men buy the whole idea of "her no is really a yes."
"No: you are supposed to feel you have the right to be beautiful, that this is empowering, but somehow, the voices in your head and the messages from men on all those bulletin boards after a rape story gets published online tell you otherwise." -- again, I take issue with the idea that beauty and violence against women are somehow related. I think this is exactly the idea patriarchy wants us to buy, because it allows for more victim blaming (its her fault she was so pretty), and reinforces the idea that women must have men in their lives (first convince her she must be beautiful, then convince her this beauty puts her in additional danger, unless there is a man present to defend her).
Rape is not a product of too many too beautiful women roaming the streets. Rape is psychopathic, it is an expression of hatred, a weapon (during the war women are raped en masse regardless of their looks). If you ever look at pictures of rape victims, they are not in general all model -types, not at all. Being beautiful does not put you at a higher risk of getting raped, being a woman does.
Thank you for this. I had issues with this post for the exact reasons you stated. I am pretty far from "beautiful" in my own eyes and--I'm sure--by society's standards, but I've been whistled at, leered at, yelled at, and the like. Being "beautiful" has nothing to do with it--it's about being female. It's not simply a problem for those with symmetrical, average-sized features and slender bodies.
Thanks for this rant... it encapsulates a lot of what I've been feeling after a particular cat call over the weekend.
I was with my fiance and my best friend, and we were walking downtown from a bar. Two men said, "Good evening," to my friend and I, and I responded, "good evening," as did my friend, back to these men... maybe I was hoping that they wouldn't say anything after that?? And I still find myself beating myself up over acknowledging them in the first place.
Then, they started saying all sorts of sexual and explicit things about my friend and I, and I stopped in my tracks and turned around. Instead of flipping them off, or cursing at them, I asked them,
"Do you have a daughter, a sister, or a wife? Pretend that I was them."
They looked shocked, initially. Then when my back was turned they said even worse things like, "Yeah I have a daughter but she's not as grown up as you."
I felt good, like I had taken back some power, but my fiance saw my anger (I do have problems with frustration at times) and was annoyed that I responded to them in the first place. He said that hateful people like them didn't deserve a response.
I told him that after 20 years of being silent, of loving my body but feeling like I have to cover it up so I can savor it myself, along with anyone close to me... It was time for me to speak up.
When I asked him if he had heard what they said, he said No. And I said, "That's right. Because, they were talking to me." Just to show him how I had been affected by cat calling and sexual objectification... and as a male, I don't think he ever has.
"By now, you have certainly been ogled and cat-called at least once. You have probably been harassed several times at school and at work, perhaps even groped or otherwise assaulted."
Lady, are you on drugs? In today's work environment, no man would EVER attempt such a foolish stunt unless he was stupid, insane, or both.
In fact, when it comes to sexual harrassment and rape, a man is automatically GUILTY until proven innocent. All a woman has to do is point her finger and the man's career, and reputation, as he knows it is finished. The man will always be looked upon with suspicion and dread even when proven to be innocent, so he's pretty much a dead duck either way.
"Of course, you are expected to pay to look good for your abattoir, through makeup, clothes and surgery, even though you would undoubtedly be considered quite attractive enough - certainly to a rapist - if you walked down the street wearing a sack of potatoes with ashes in your hair."
In other words, a man is rapist if he finds you pretty in Glamour Mode. And he's a rapist if he finds you attractive even if you look like dogshit.
"Odds are that these experiences did not make you feel happy about being attractive. You are probably angry, instead. And you are angry because all your life, society kept telling you how important it was to be beautiful, and as soon as you appear to achieve this mystical golden status, you are punished for it."
You ladies are spoiled. You take your beauty for granted because it has given you so much power for so long that you don't even appreciate it anymore. The reason we men don't complain about women looking at us is because it so rarely happens.
But you ladies want us to look at you, but you also want us gouge out our eyes if you catch us in the act.
"No: you are supposed to feel you have the right to be beautiful, that this is empowering. . ."
Your beauty IS power, you idiot!
Your problem is that you have taken it for granted. You see, you don't know what it's like to be in a constant state of sexual unrest because most women don't really give a damn about male physical beauty.
Women gain far more pleasure looking at babies (and a new pair of shoes at the mall) than they do at men, which is why we have to rely on more than our looks to get your attention. You'd be amazed how many good-looking men are still stuck with their hands on Saturday night. It's because you ladies are not dazed and befuddled by our looks.
Our beauty is NOT power, but yours is. This is because men are visual creatures and, therefore, it is easier to turn us into a bunch of drooling, incoherent idiots, bumbling and stumbling over themselves in their pathetic attempts to get your attention.
Of course, you don't appreciate that. You think that because YOU don't care about beauty, we shouldn't either! Well, we do. Get over it!
"After all, men are presented with an endless supply of female flesh as a reward for good capitalist behaviour. . ."
How typical. Turning the exception into the rule. You make it sound as if every man out there leaving a wake of broken hearts everywhere he goes. Reality check: only the top 20% of males are given this so-called endless supply of females. The other 80% of them are stuck with their hands, jacking off to internet porn because you ladies keep going after the Top 20 Percent of males.
"You have no right to your own beauty, since it was constructed for the pleasure of others, namely men."
Translation: real women are ugly!
"Above all, be ruthless, since the alternative will not get you anywhere further. Remember the men who do these things to you are not playing fair, they will never consciously apologize of their own volition, and they will never hesitate to crush you if you threaten them. You must give yourself the right to do the same to them. Never feel sorry for them, never apologize, and never look back."
I thought women were the compassionate, more loving gender.
In today's work environment, no man would EVER attempt such a foolish stunt unless he was stupid, insane, or both.
Well then apparently a lot of people ARE stupid. You yourself said it in your comment---you know, when you said:
"it is easier to turn us into a bunch of drooling, incoherent idiots, bumbling and stumbling over themselves in their pathetic attempts to get your attention."
Lol, you just proved your own point. And not in a good way.
All a woman has to do is point her finger and the man's career, and reputation, as he knows it is finished. The man will always be looked upon with suspicion and dread even when proven to be innocent, so he's pretty much a dead duck either way.
So Clinton was finished? Justice Thomas was finished? How about Berlusconi over in Italy? Please. The men that get ruined are people who are extraordinarily, mind numbingly stupid such as Spitzer. And even then, it's not like he lost his family.
And seriously. If it's soooo easy for any woman to "point a finger", why doesn't it happen more often? Why spend so much time on fake birth certificates and conspiracy theories when you could just find some woman (preferably a white woma to really rankle the racists among us) to just "point a finger" to bring Obama down? According to you, that's all that would be needed. End of story.
The other 80% of them are stuck with their hands, jacking off to internet porn because you ladies keep going after the Top 20 Percent of males.
You ladies? You surely meant that young "hawt" women are going after the Top 20% of males. Oh boo-hoo! Young attractive women want young attractive men. Life is so unfair!!!
You see, you don't know what it's like to be in a constant state of sexual unrest because most women don't really give a damn about male physical beauty.
Oh plenty of hetero women give a damn about male physical beauty. Your mistake is to assume that women are going to respond the same way sexually as men do. You see male sexuality as the default and thus you erroneously believe that there is only one *right* way to generate sexual tension and share appreciation between 2 people.
I thought women were the compassionate, more loving gender.
In nature, many a peaceful female creature will turn vicious when cornered.
"You ladies? You surely meant that young "hawt" women are going after the Top 20% of males. Oh boo-hoo! Young attractive women want young attractive men. Life is so unfair!!!"
Ha! Yeah, that entire rant could pretty much be boiled down to "wah wah wah young hot women are all skanks!"
"Oh plenty of hetero women give a damn about male physical beauty. Your mistake is to assume that women are going to respond the same way sexually as men do. You see male sexuality as the default and thus you erroneously believe that there is only one *right* way to generate sexual tension and share appreciation between 2 people."
Bingo!!! Some men see the only legit expression of attraction as a stupid catcall or leer, and since many women don't express attraction this way, it somehow must not exist! And, this poster clearly buys into the idea that women only have sex or date men in order to get stuff, so women don't really like sex. Basically, what this commenter clearly means is that hot, young women aren't attracted to him. Because, in his miserable worldview, those are the only people who count as "real" women.
You guys... don't respond to this kind of thing. It only adds fuel to the fire. This kind of trolling doesn't deserve the criticism it needs.
Yeah, but honestly, this is exactly the type of "argument" that comes up time and time again even offline. This is not a common blog troll stirring up trouble. People actually believe this stuff.
One of the unintended consequences of this beauty crap is this exact type of othering of women's experiences coupled with complete abandon of common sense.
Seriously, "top 20% of guys get the women and the rest of the men are jacking off to porn?" Where do these numbers even come from? I guess these people have never heard of something called, the census? I guess prostitution doesn't exist either? Oh wait, paying for sex "doesn't count" apparently.
Not to defend the original statements at all, but there are alot more attractive women then there are attractive men, so the whole 20% to 20% comparison doesn`t really make sense.
I wish women would appreciate male beauty more too, but men and women are on average, fundamentally different when it comes to sexuality. The world is still trying to figure out how to reconcile this. In the meantime alot of women get screwed.
...but there are alot more attractive women then there are attractive men...
Huh? *scratches head*
Not to defend the original statements at all, but there are alot more attractive women then there are attractive men, so the whole 20% to 20% comparison doesn`t really make sense.
Really? A little bit of female chauvinism??? ;)
Maybe you know something I don't? Cause here is what I know (which ain't much):
The research I've seen on the subject suggests that the vast majority of people partner, at least long-term, with someone of similar attractiveness. (The studies used volunteers to assess hundreds of couples in newspaper marriage announcements, where each partner was rated individually and volunteers did not know who was partnered with whom).
This observation couldn't hold if there is this surplus of unattractive males as you suggest. A lot of various anecdotal claims have been made about the meat market scene, but I still see no reason why there should be more attractive women than men there either.
Now if you are talking about grooming and stuff like that, you could have a point. For example, men's dating coaches recommend for men to step up their game, that they wear fitted & in-style clothing, have the latest hair cuts, have sleek grooming, smell good, etc--Basically do what women are trained to do from the get go.
If this is the concept of attractive you are talking about, then OK I'll give you that. More women in our society do conform to these tasks. But that doesn't mean that there are fewer bona-fide attractive guys. It just means that men don't care as much about grooming (nothing wrong with that I might add).
I wish women would appreciate male beauty more too, but men and women are on average, fundamentally different when it comes to sexuality.
Maybe women do appreciate male beauty more, but people don't recognize it. For example, when women say that they like men who can dance, this is an appreciation of the male beauty in terms of form and movement. And actually a documentary on BBC about female sexuality claims that women get cues about how sexy (read fit) a man is by the way he dances. But nope, in our culture many types of dance are derided as something "gayish" and "girly" (not that there's anything wrong that, but you see the negative connotation these labels have with straight males).
Maybe we (general we) need to give female sexuality a little bit more credit?
Really? You really think no man would attempt to assault a woman at work or school? I've been groped to the point of getting bruises. I've had a man 15 years my senior shove his hand under my skirt. I've been slammed against walls in deserted hallways. I've had my bra straps snapped and I've had fingers pinching and prying my inner thighs under the table when no one else could see.
All of this at work or school. Don't tell me it doesn't happen.
Wow, that kind of shit is scary. I've only had one experience like that in fourth grade. Since then, absolutely nothing. Why is it that some women suffer terrible harassment and others do not? I always thought I was left alone because I'm plain, but other posters seem to say that isn't it.
I've thought about it some more. I think harassers respond to attractive women and/or certain kinds of dress. I don't think it is JUST about being female. That seems ridiculous to me.
I would disagree with you. I'm average looking at best. I have a large nose and a double chin. I wear glasses, very little makeup, and my hair is usually in a ponytail. I almost never show skin--I wear jeans year round, never dresses or shorts, and prefer longer sleeves, even in the summer. I wear boots or tennis shoes, never high heels. And I've been yelled at and whistled at. It's not a daily thing, granted. It's actually rather rare, but it does happen.
It is about being female, because men are not expressing attraction when they're doing this. They're operating under a power trip. They're zeroing in on women, because these particular men see women as weaker, and by yelling obnoxiously they're expressing their power over them.
Yes, exactly, it is rare for an average or plain looking woman to be subjected to this kind of harassment. That was my entire point.
Hmmm...actually with me in particular I think it has to do with circumstance. When I used to walk to and from school, it would pretty much be a daily occurrence, b/c for some men, a woman walking alone is a pefect target.
I think maybe that's my point. It has nothing to do with the individual woman's beauty or lack thereof, but rather the circumstances.
Good points. It seems to me that ALL women are harassed, but "beauty" is just one of the many justifications men use to defend their behavior.
Reporting the Troll to Abuse...
This just put into words something I have felt since I was 14 walking down the street to the library and some man yelled at me just what he'd love to do to me.
I am a person before I am a woman. This is why I am a feminist.
Thank you so much for this. As a college student, these words couldn't be more enraging, depressing, and yet encouraging. I want to keep this for my future daughter.
And just as a thought. It can be tough to be beautiful, because the girls hate you, and the boys want your body. All you are is something to be had, and are generally assumed to be an idiot. An empty shell meant for consumption. That's our highest calling, girls.
Word up.
First time I had something REALLY obscene said at me, I was 13, walking home during September of freshman year of high school. It was some terrible remark too, with pedophilic overtones, cause I did look young then. Ever since then, I get some disgusting comment at LEAST once a month. When I go walking through New York as I often do, at least once a day.
Last month, I was coming home at 7AM from a rave, still dressed in raver pants/glitter; this was the first time I was ever groped. It took me all my self-control and feminist consciousness to beat away the thought of "Welp, I guess I shouldn't be walking around in glitter at 7AM on a Saturday." Fuck that, I should be able to wear whatever I want.
I'm a beautiful woman who is not ashamed of her beauty and who does not think it a curse. I could care less who looks and leer at me. Rape doesn't disciminate against sex, race, religion, looks, age, or ability. I could care less what they say or that they stare or leer. I save my energy for anyone who crosses the line to invade my personal space or try following/stalking me. People who actually pose a threat and not those who - for lack of better words- can't take their eyes off me. Why should *I* be made to feel like a victim because people look in my direction?
I don't know how anyone would propose a solution to such a problem. Should all men be told never to look at women-lest they be assumed deranged rapists/violent criminals who are fantasizing about causing her unspeakable harm? I know of gay men who may stare a little longer because they have a friend who JUST transitioned and you may look like their friend.
I don't know how anyone would propose a solution to such a problem. Should all men be told never to look at women-lest they be assumed deranged rapists/violent criminals who are fantasizing about causing her unspeakable harm?
What's wrong with men simply looking at women the same way men look at other men? Or men simply looking at women the same way women look at each other? Or how about not making a big production when the woman is alone vs accompanied? How about affording her the exact same glance/comment that she would get if she were in the company of others, especially another man?
I know we are talking about a tiny minority of bad actors here, but it really baffles as to why this should be such a difficult concept.
Because different strokes for different folks. You are asking that all people at all times look at someone they find physically attractive the same way they'd look at someone who they absolutely find no physical attraction in whatsoever.
There ARE people who practice this and as a result there are plenty of women who feel unattractive because they think no one ever gives them *the look* or think that person is superficial because they never *notice* them. Same with guys. We've discussed this here before.
There are people who WANT to be oogled then there are people who don't so much as want someone to look them in the eye. Each person is so different in what they want from interactions with others that you will NEVER find a solution that appeases everyone, or even most people.
You are asking that all people at all times look at someone they find physically attractive the same way they'd look at someone who they absolutely find no physical attraction in whatsoever.
Actually I'm not. Don't get all heterocentric on me now. I'm merely pointing out simple etiquette that 85%+ of people in our culture figured out during late childhood; and I'm questioning why deviations from this etiquette are reserved apparently only for a very narrow demographic of women and only during *some* situations.
Each person is so different in what they want from interactions with others that you will NEVER find a solution that appeases everyone, or even most people.
It doesn't need to appease everyone, it just needs to be consistent. That is, if you (general you or our culture in general) wouldn't be hurt or offended by a snub from a visibly partnered women or another male, don't be offended by that single "hawt" female who didn't smile back or return the glance.
And if I as a woman want a person's attention that badly (cause I'm feeling unattractive, according to your theory?) I'm also free to initiate some kind of eye contact or smile, am I not? I have an agency too, no?
See how simple this is?
There ARE people who practice this and as a result there are plenty of women who feel unattractive because they think no one ever gives them *the look* or think that person is superficial because they never *notice* them. Same with guys.
First of all, even if everybody hardcore checked out people they liked, there will be a good proportion of people who will still get little to NO attention. Even more depressing in my opinion.
And anyway, I've had a little insight in moving to a culture where it is more socially acceptable for men to holla (stares, looks, cat calls, compliment, harass, you name it) at women on the street (although this is changing). And well I don't get the impression that women overall feel any more attractive here than women in the US.
On the other hand, local women (and men) have warned me that most random encounters will simply be guys running an absurd game; and the result is that for the most part, many of the friendly pleasantries between strangers in general that I had grown accustomed to at home, are absent here, such as eye contact and a simple, "hi, how are you". I feel that this is one of those unintended consequences of taking this objectification business too far.
But going back to your other comment. This is exactly what is wrong with beauty. Why let somebody else dictate your (general your) worth by relying on looks and stares? Honestly, good luck getting old or gods forbid you move to another culture (with a different beauty standard and code of etiquette.)
"Honestly, good luck getting old."
So true! I've complained to my mother - my beautiful, beautiful mother - about getting catcalls, and she's responded, at times, with "You're lucky you still get them" - which made me all kinds of sad. Why does she trust random people on the street to tell her about her attractiveness more than she trusts me? And yep, this kind of exchange does contribute to this culture. If catcalls are used as a sign of how attractive you are, women who complain become bitches who don't know how good they have it.
>_
It's a simple matter of respect. There's nothing wrong with looking at someone you find pretty like you're interested in them; the trick is paying attention to their reaction. Assholes on the street who harass me don't give a flying fuck whether I welcome it or not; no matter my reaction, they will continue, and this is the problem.
If you see someone pretty, look at them. Smile. It's fine. BUT - if they don't respond, go away.
It's really a very simple boundary. Send out a probe smile, gauge their reaction. If it is not obviously encouraging and you continue to press, you are an asshole.
Maybe you're right. As a straight male, maybe you're right that I should ignore my feelings and respect women. Maybe I should just send out a smile, and if I only get a luke-warm response I should give up and go on my way.
But It's not that easy. I'm not that good at understanding women, "reading the signs". I suck at it. What if she gives me a slight smile? What if she gives me a flat response? If she's not all over me, I have no idea what she's thinking. Does she want to talk to me more? Does she actually want to get to know me, to have an intelligent conversation with me? If we have an intelligent conversation, then will she like me?
It's hard. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 19 years old. Now I'm 20. What am I supposed to do. Maybe I should be straight-forward; I should just ask a girl out right away. Give her the power. Maybe that would make it easier.
Does a girl just like you or dislike you? Interested or disinterested? I have no idea. What am I supposed to do...
ASK.
Ok, so you can't figure out if she's polite-awkward smiling or actually smiling. Maybe you decided to talk to her and you still can't tell. Now would be the time to ask her.
I know we have a weird society that discourages communication and encourages implicit consent, but you don't have to follow that bullshit dogma. ASK her, and then, if she says yes, she feels comfortable and in control and you aren't double-guessing yourself.
Also, "Ignore my feelings and respect women"? The fuck? Are your feelings telling you to disrespect women? Or do you see no way of approaching women you have feelings for that don't involve disrespecting them? I hope that was poor phrasing, cause either one of these is messed up.
Erm, what women are you talking about? Classmates? Friends? Random strangers on the street? If it's the latter, I really doubt they're going to be "all over you" and I don't think a lot of women are all that interested in going out with someone who they've never encountered before. If they're classmates, ask them to study with you. Get to know them as people. Let it flow from there. If they're already friends, take the plunge and say you'd like to take them out on a date. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think having your first kiss at 19 is as abnormal as you're making it out to be.
I'm not sure what you mean by your first paragraph, but if your feelings are telling you to disrespect women (what, hollering? leering? grabbing? stalking?), maybe you shouldn't be trying to talk to them until you get that all sorted out.
you should talk to her like a human being. It's not that hard to work out-hmm. . . she isn't responding. I should stop. and yes, you should stop if she isn't responding, even if she hasn't said "go away." It's not hard. It's really not. and you should particularly remember that random women you don't know don't owe you a positive reaction. If you compliment her and get upset when she doesn't respond, you weren't complimenting her.
I'm really really surprised to see how much arguing is going on here.
Dominique: I appreciate your perspective. This means a lot, because I can relate. As a woman. Not just a beautiful one. Because, we're all aware that it's not playboy-style beauty that makes some men treat women like sexual property. That happens to us because we are female.
I don't understand why everyone's in such disagreement!
Unwanted advances are unwanted advances.
I should have the right to dress whichever way I'm comfortable without feeling threatened or violated by the men around me.
But to add insult to injury, if I happen to ignore these advances, I'm called abusive names and threatened, or even assaulted in the street.
On more than one occasion I've been HIT by men who wanted my attention and didn't get it. Once punched. Once hit in the head with a bottle. Two completely different neighborhoods. And no, just to squash all the "you're a whiny little hot lady" comments, I was in sweatpants. Both times.
Saying that women shouldn't complain if they dress a certain way and then get harassed is the same as saying a rape, or assault victim was "asking for it" in some way.
Wearing tight clothing doesn't mean I want to invite derogatory behavior. That idea seems ridiculous to me.
And I have experienced the same harassment when I was 60 pounds overweight, when I was 5 pounds underweight. When I was wearing a bikini, when I was wearing baggy sweatpants. None of it matters and it has nothing to do with real BEAUTY, it has to do with SEXUAL VIABILITY.
I agree (obviously) that women should have the right to be attractive and dress however they'd like without being harassed. But I have to say, this article just rubs me the wrong way, especially with the emphasis on "beautiful women." I'm an attractive woman and I live in an area where men feel comfortable making comments and checking me out (sometimes excessively) when I walk down the street. It's sometimes a bit uncomfortable, but it's never threatening. I also remember a time that (for whatever reason) I never got any type of sexual attention, and that felt worse. It just doesn't seem worth it to me to get upset about comments that, while objectifying, aren't violent or threatening. (I want to clarify that these are the only type of comment that I'm discussing here-- not aggressive comments or actual physical assault, which, of course, are never complimentary or flattering, and always completely wrong, but also have nothing to do with how attractive a woman is.)
Just to be clear, I'm responding to your comment as an in-addition, not as a disagreement :)
When a man (or woman) approaches me in the subway or on the street, and respectfully says hello, looks at my face like a REAL person, and compliments my looks...it makes me happy. Its a rare moment, but I do like to be approached, complimented, flattered. It does make me feel prettier, and it gives me a little confidence boost for the day.
I'm talking about the upsetting stuff. Which I know we can all agree on.
As far as the emphasis on beauty, this post is about our society's response to "beauty". But, like I said, I would call it sexual viability.
I'm trying to boil down your point in terms of the title, and I apologize if this has been addressed already, but I couldn't be bothered to wade through all the comments.
What I get from this is:
The consequences of being a beautiful woman are anger and depression.
I can't agree with that.
Every woman is beautiful, for one thing, in her own way. You list a few things beauty isn't, but you never say what you think it *is*. You mention makeup etc., I'm a beautiful woman who has never worn makeup or subscribed to the idea I need to pay much attention to my appearance beyond comfort, yet I've been cat-called and assaulted and the rest of it. For another thing, being a woman - or a man - is what you make of it. You can only be 'victim blamed' if you see yourself as a victim. Be a survivor instead, take responsibility.
Yes.
Thank you.
(Comment addressed to original poster)
Dominique, I just want to thank you for writing this.
I wish I had had friends like you, or had this community to turn to when I was younger. It would have saved me a lot of trouble.
But I am thankful that it is here now.
Posts like this really help me to organize my thoughts and pass them on to my 13 year old niece.
First of all, this is AWESOME. I actually laughed out loud while reading it - it is SO LIBERATING to read what I think in my head every day!!! I wasn't angry while reading it - I was THRILLED other people think and feel the way I do and you, Dominique, you are brave enough to scream and rage about it out loud!!!!!!! I am SO HAPPY you EXIST!!! Thank you for being brave and amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I know it's considered immature to put a lot of exclamation points, but I'm in college and still like doing it, so fuck it, I'm doing it anyway.)
Secondly, I did want to point out that there are men - and really the only ones with which I associate, lol - that aren't like this. I'm going to post this link in my facebook update because the article is FANTASTIC, and I know exactly what you're talking about. And I strongly suspect taht you already know that all men aren't like this, especially because you yourself were ranting about being called a - hairy feminist man-hater or something, lolol - though the men who objectify women aren't ostracized at all, fucking jackasses. But, anyway, I did want to post a pro-feminist men post, especially for men reading this - not all men are like this, it's not something that just 'comes with' being male. Men can and do choose to be different, and the ones that do are the ones that really matter, in my opinion.
Loved this posting! I quite often receive comments from men at work (lawyers - sorry to any reading!) which, rather than being a compliment, are often disrespectful, objectifying and patronizing. I would never dream of passing comment on a fellow male colleague's appearance - it would be far too patronizing. Yet aren't we always meant to be flattered? Upon complaining, I always get the old, 'Ah...it was a compliment really'. A compliment would have been respecting my position at work - talking to me as a fellow human being, not simply as someone they find attractive. I get annoyed by the way that some men feel they have a right to overtly let their feelings known. It's simply devaluing - how cooperative would they be if they didn't find me attractive? How superficial this world is.
I don't accept it any more and am more than comfortable shooting down in flames men who feel they can behave in such a disrespectful manner...alongside the women who judge me for doing so. The difference between a genuine, respectful compliment and this type of objectification is obvious to anyone - no excuses.