Recently I read a post* which mentioned the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex ultimately ruining the relationship. I was curious about the idea, but you can imagine how a quick search of terms like "waiting until marriage ruining relationship" or "abstinence hurting relationship" came back: All anti-sex websites with "cool tips on how to abstain." Blech.
I'm looking for stories on people who either have had experience with, know someone who's had experience with, or could direct me to some stories or research about abstinence ultimately being bad for the relationship. Stories of how not "testing the car before you buy it" ended up proving that two people were not compatible. It's an incredibly intriguing idea to me, I just am unsure of how to find out more about it.
*I'm incredibly sorry I can't remember the post or the name of the poster. If it's you, speak up and I'll be sure to edit this post to give you proper credit.
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I doubt you meant it this way, but this post cuts way, *way* too close to "here's a list of reasons to persuade your significant other to have sex even if they don't want to."
I'm not trying to say that having sex before marriage is the superior path, I'm just interested in this topic because you see so very little coverage of it in almost any form of media.
I personally do not believe that waiting for marriage will ruin the marriage. Making a lifelong commitment is not just about having sex with the same person for the rest of your life. It is about making an agreement to stay together through good times and bad, which also means through good sex and bad. Getting involved with another person means accepting that they have needs, goals, dreams, anxieties, that you do not share and that you need to learn to accept and compromise on. This is a two way street, and both parties should be able to agree on which direction they are driving. Whether it's money, child rearing, or sex, lifelong commitments are about learning to accept and compromise. The sex might be lousy the first time, or the first several times. The housekeeping might be lousy the first time, or the first several times. What's key is whether both parties have the willingness to work through what is lousy and find a way to make it better. Even if the sex is great before you get married, there is no guarantee that it always will be. People change, bodies change, life circumstances change. Without that willingness to work through the bad times, the marriage will be doomed whether you had sex before getting hitched or not.
I've never been married, but my experiences in witnessing divorces seem to indicate that marriage is not typically "ruined" based on one deciding factor. I'm inclined to say that if waiting until marriage is a part of an otherwise healthy and happy relationship, things have every chance to work out.
That said, I would never really advocate waiting until marriage to anyone, rather waiting until you're ready, which is something only you can decide.
I'd think that in failed marriages where waiting until marriage is a factor, it has to do with the idea of either or both partners longing to have some knowledge or experience with someone else, wondering what other possibilities they'd have open up to them if they'd had more chance to experiment.
There is also the issue of sexual incompatibility, and if you marry someone who refuses to compromise, that is a huge problem. I think that sexually incompatible couples who love each other can work things out and do some give/take, but not all do.
The people I know who felt that abstinence was the best option are likely the least inclined to discuss their sex life. Or, if they are inclined to open up to that degree, they certainly wouldn't risk the embarrassment of having to admit that they were wrong.
I never felt any compulsion to wait, even when I attended a church in my teens whose official line was to postpone sex until marriage. Nor did I feel particularly ashamed for doing so, either.
I have, however, known married people who expressed some degree of regret that they began having sex so early on, the implication being that intimacy with their partner was growing dull and repetitive. I suppose at that point, one might consider trying different positions and techniques. There's actually a term for that. It's called "flooding", oddly enough.
I'm not married, but I have only had sex with one individual and we have been in a relationship for 6+ years, 4 of those sexually active. We've talked about marriage in the future, but we aren't there yet due to careers.
Our sex life is by no means perfect, mostly due to my vaginismus, etc. But we work on it. That's key. If your partner isn't willing to work on sexual compatibility, give and take, and trust in intimate issues, that is what is going to ruin your sex life--not how mato pny partners you had or lacked prior. I agree that a couple's sex life isn't the deciding factor of a relationship, but how your partner reacts to your needs and vice versa in the bedroom could be indicative of the work they are or aren't willing to into the relationship as a whole.
Stories of how not "testing the car before you buy it" ended up proving that two people were not compatible.
I hear about "test driving the car" and "what if you're not sexually compatible?" from people a lot.
I'm going to share an anecdote. It's not something I like talking about in real life because I don't want judgement or sickening pats on the head for being a "good girl" and it's really just flat-out not anyone else's goddamn business, but we're on the internet and it's all anonymous, so what the Hell?
I'm engaged and I haven't had sexual intercourse with my fiance yet (or anyone else for that matter). I hate the word "virgin" (and I firmly believe virginity is a state of mine, not a physical reality). It implies this sort of...awkward, uninformed, wide-eyed innocence. I'm not innocent and I AM informed about my body and my sexual health.
I just simply haven't found the right moment to have sex. Maybe I'm brainwashed by society, but I want to make that first time special. I know there aren't going to be any foundation rattling orgasms the first time I have vaginal intercourse, but that doesn't mean it can't be a special, intimate moment in time for me and my fiance.
A friend of mine advised me to test drive the car before I buy it (in those exact words). I'm not worried about that. I already know we're sexually compatible, I already know we can make each other orgasms. Shockingly, you can do sexual things without having sexual intercourse!
I've heard people say things like, "What if two people don't have sex before marriage and he wants to get really kinky, but she just wants missionary?"
Well, "I want to tie you up and shove a banana in your ass" or "I'm opposed to anything but missionary in the dark once a week" are things that should come up in discussion if you're considering marriage. If you get married and you haven't discussed sex yet, you really shouldn't have gotten married. Communication is key. You need to talk the shit out of things. If you manage to get married without discussing sex, your marriage is going to be in trouble. Not because you didn't have sex, but because you didn't get to know each other as people before making a huge commitment.
I'm sorry this is so long and rambling, but I guess my point is this: There are many ways to have a good marriage. One factor alone does not cause it all to come tumbling down.
"I know there aren't going to be any foundation rattling orgasms the first time I have vaginal intercourse, but that doesn't mean it can't be a special, intimate moment in time for me and my fiance."
I want you to know that I fully respect and support your choice to not have vaginal intercourse before marriage.
However, I hear this a lot. "I want it to be special" - I don't see how it couldn't be. The first sex (here understood to be PIV) of a marriage is always going to be unique and special, whether or not people have or haven't had intercourse ever/with eachother.
The first sexual explorations we have are special, and each partner and each session are special and different. I feel the most sexually intimate when my boy holds me after he's fingered me to orgasm, and those I've talked to agree that their first time for PIV was not particularly intimate.
I want you to know that I fully respect and support your choice to not have vaginal intercourse before marriage.
Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment.
The first sexual explorations we have are special, and each partner and each session are special and different.
Well, here's where I disagree. I don't mean to speak for everyone when I say this, but I think humans are creatures who love ritual and ceremony. We love celebration. If you're drunk off your ass the first time you have sex and just do it to get it over with, it's probably not going to be special or memorable. I love my fiance and anything new we experience together is special, but taking certain measures can make some things more memorable. For example, and I'm just speaking for myself here, having sex for the first time on an old couch after watching American Idol while your roommate is at work isn't going to be as special and memorable as getting dressed up and going out together and then going somewhere completely private and comfortable to have sex. Those are just my personal feelings though, I understand other people feel differently.
I feel the most sexually intimate when my boy holds me after he's fingered me to orgasm, and those I've talked to agree that their first time for PIV was not particularly intimate.
Like I said in my first post, there are many different ways to be sexual! :) I can't speak from experience, but I just cannot imagine the first time my partner and I have vaginal intercourse will not be intimate. I realize that's not the case for everyone, but we're a very close, emotional couple. Everything sexual we do is a very intimate experience, I can't imagine intercourse being any different.
The first time I had sex it was far from special. And it's not the fact that it was a one night stand that made it suck. I pretty much had sex to get it over with and the guy I went to bed with, despite the quantity of women he had slept with, was a terrible lover and a selfish lover. I can say that he was bad with confidence because I've now had sex with partners that are good and selfless in bed.
Now, it's not the fact that we didn't care for each other that made it bad. I've had hookups (not necessarily PIV but pretty much everything else) that were lustful, sexy, and memorable, MAYBE even special with guys that I was not romantically involved with. The difference was that they were able to make me feel uninhibited and sexy because the experience was just as much about my sexual pleasure as it was about there's.
Also the first sexual experiences are not always the special ones. Sometimes you can do the same position with the same lover over and over but one time can stick out the most because of the place or time of day or whatever. It's not necessarily the first.
I would go so far as to say that your experience isn't exactly what one means by "waiting for marriage". The people I've met who "wait" don't go any further than kissing. (That isn't to say you're doing it wrong or anything, just that I don't think it's what most people mean when they say "wait".)
As far as I understand, the people who "wait" don't engage in the sort of sexual activity that lets someone get to know compatibility. For instance, whether anal sex is a deal-breaker, whether oral sex is a deal-breaker, etc. I might be projecting, but it doesn't seem like those who "wait" discuss their turn-ons, because they don't consider it to be so important. But it's important enough to wait until marriage for. But not in regards to their relationship. I feel like those who "wait", don't feel the need to discuss these things beyond the fact that they'll wait until they're married to touch.
And I think there are plenty of turn-ons and deal-breakers that (general) you don't even realize until you start engaging in stuff.
That's a good point. I can see how it would be different for people who abstain for religious reasons or believe sexual contact before marriage is actually wrong.
I dated a guy who refused to have sex before marriage - but from the REST of our physical relationship, I knew that we were way too different sexually and would never be happy with each other. He wanted to be a bottom, the only way he was even turned on enough to make out with me was if I was doing something humiliating to him. Which I am not comfortable with, at all. I gave it a willing go, but could never bring myself to feel okay with it. Furthermore, his desire to not have intercourse before marriage seemed to extend beyond his Catholicness, he seemed to be very turned off at the idea of it.
So, I don't think it's a lack of sex that could prove detrimental down the road, but a lack of intimacy - which you can achieve in many, many ways, even if it's just talking about it.
I hate the "test driving" metaphor. Is it just me or are people (esp. women) overly compared to cars? "You wouldn't leave your car in a bad part of town with the doors unlocked, so how can you go out the bar like that wonder why you get raped?" Sexual history termed as mileage, etc. PEOPLE ARE NOT CARS. bah. Anyway.
Like others have said, those who have been abstinent until marriage are not inclined to talk about their sex life in detail, much less admit they were wrong. But of course that doesn't mean they were wrong.
There seems to be this idea that sexuality is rigid and defined, and that "compatibility" means you have to find your complete other half in one other person (obviously, the polyamorous crowd objects to this). I.e., tops need their bottoms, catchers need pitchers, etc.
Sex - LIKE ALL OTHER PARTS OF LIFE/RELATIONSHIPS - is a give and take, and learning to solve problems and explore new territory. For example, my boyfriend and I are both pretty dominant, so we "trade" roles so both of us get the satisfaction we need.
I think realising that sex is a performance and process (as in yes means yes!) we can continue to demystify sex and learn that is not much different from most human interactions.
/being unromantic
I'm going to get married in two years or so, when I am 24.
Because we didn't wait, we learned that he actually has trouble ejaculating inside a woman, and thus that conceiving children someday would be very hard and may require expensive assistance. He also has a very low libido, and we'll go a long time between sex (like, a month or more).
I can imagine many women would consider that a deal-breaker, which is a bit awkward to discover after you've already wed and have been with one person for five years of your life, and are marrying at 25, with only ten years before pregnancy becomes increasingly dangerous to you or your fetus. I may wind up having to be artificially inseminated, and even that might not work due to his sexual dysfunction (he may not be able to masturbate into a cup). Luckily, I am comfortable with adoption and insemination as options, I can masturbate during intervals when he's not ready, and I enjoy sexual activity that doesn't involve ejaculation anyway, so while we're still working on it, and getting better, it's not a dealbreaker for me.
But were I not comfortable with the situation, I might have wanted to not marry him. And even I think I would feel confused, hurt, and upset if I had learned this after devoting five years, considerable energy, and a wedding to a guy with the assumption we'd be marrying and having biological children. I'd adjust, but it would be disappointing and might hurt my relationship.
Of course, we did wait until we were in a committed relationship, both of us were thinking marriage/lifetime together as a goal, we both wanted to have sex and felt ready, and we had both undergone adequate protective measures (me, Gardasil and the ring, him, condoms and an STD test thanks to an ex-friend's attempts to tempt him with a sex worker). Which ultimately is the most important thing, and I would rather be ready and comfortable than know about dysfunction in advance.
I dated a guy who had that problem, and the deal breaker with him was that he wouldn't consider the possibility that he had a problem - I was the one with the problem. I was not experienced enough relationship-wise at the time to understand this, but looking back, he was like that with everything. Any conflict we had, I was the one with the unreasonable expectations. Now that I am more experienced, I know that a person is the same person inside and outside the bedroom. Now if I meet a guy who has a problem understanding and resolving conflicts, I don't have to sleep with him to know that we will be incompatible over the long term.
I know that a person is the same person inside and outside the bedroom. Now if I meet a guy who has a problem understanding and resolving conflicts, I don't have to sleep with him to know that we will be incompatible over the long term.
Right on. Problems in the rest of the relationship will almost inevitably manifest themselves in the bedroom...
This isn't something I've thought about before, but I think that if I was with someone who wanted to wait until marriage (hypothetically) it would be a dealbreaker. People who want it to be "special" usually come off as immature about sex. The idea that sex is more special when you are married plays completely into the myth that marriage is a superior state of being and it is something that we (particularly women) should all see as a goal to be accomplished.
How is wanting a special experience being immature about sex? What exactly do you mean by that? Is someone who wants to have a special birthing experience immature about parenting? Is someone who wants to have a special wedding day immature about marriage?
What do you think people mean when they say they want a 'special' sexual experience?
The idea that sex is more special when you are married plays completely into the myth that marriage is a superior state of being and it is something that we (particularly women) should all see as a goal to be accomplished.
I don't personally think sex is more special when you're married. I think sex and sexuality are what you make of it. For example, if the first time you perform oral sex on someone you do it on a dare and you don't really like the person or feel comfortable, it could be a really awful memory. If you do it with someone you're attracted to who you're aching to experiment with, it could be a fantastic memory (even if both scenarios are physically the same).
You can have sex in the back of truck after a party, you can have sex in a fancy hotel, you can have sex on your wedding night...I think it's just important to do it your way.
I don't think its immature to want it to be special. But I do think that having to wait till marriage would be a deal breaker for me. I wanted to wait till it was special the first time, and that ended up being when we'd been dating for about 3 months and had been together nonstop and gotten to know each other really well during that time.
Even if I test drove a car before I bought it, chances are I am not going to be happy with its performance all the time. That's when I adjust my driving style, to meet the ability of the car, and find happy a happy medium.
I don't get why sex has to be "special," either. At times, it can be off tempo, things don't click right, one of the partners can't cum, shit happens ...I think as a society, we've come to see sex as either always having to be hot and porn-like, or special and love-making.
Why can't it be what each couple makes it out to be?
Besides, dating is hard as is in the feminist community - would anyone recommend actually dumping a partner who fits perfectlly otherwise, just because of a bad sexual experience? I'd rather have a feminist partner and come up with a concensus on what types of sex we have, than to get off everytime, doing everything I want, and not have a feminist partner.
I don't get why sex has to be "special," either. At times, it can be off tempo, things don't click right, one of the partners can't cum, shit happens...
See, I don't understand why it can be real and special. I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but when I say 'special' I don't mean, 'the perfect degree of candle light with rose petals sprinkled everywhere and simultaneous orgasms'. Human bodies are messy. A blowjob is messy. You don't have to be experiencing some romantic comedy-esque plasticized version of sex that goes a certain way for it to be a special experience.
I think as a society, we've come to see sex as either always having to be hot and porn-like, or special and love-making.
Can't sexuality be hot as well as loving? Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive? I don't think being intimate and loving with your partner has to equal crying and professing your deepest feelings during sex.
Why can't it be what each couple makes it out to be?
I think that's exactly what any sexual experience should be. Do what you want, feel what you want, don't do anything or try to push yourself into anything just because it seems like 'the right way' to other people.
I dont know if anyone has seen this show (with Dr. Drew... on MTV...) called "sex, with mom and dad", but there was one pretty great episode that I saw in which the daughter/girl was really proud of her purity ring and the mother thought she was getting this really unhealthy view of relationships. In the episode the girl got to speak with several women who had had purity rings, some of whom had waited till marriage, others who had ended up breaking that, to see some different points of view. It was kind of interesting! Here is a link: http://www.mtv.com/videos/sexwith-mom-and-dad-ep-29-elle/1606489/playlist.jhtml
(the video doesn't work up here in Canada but I think it shows a full episode if you're viewing from the US).
As far as waiting till marriage? I think that marriage is an arbitrary time to wait until, and I tend to agree with lizard90 in their opinion that it is this false idea that marriage is the way to be or something. Personally I've only had sex (aka PIV) with one person who I've been with for well over 5 years now, but I would have had sex before that had I had the right opportunity. I wouldn't have regretted it either, just as I don't regret any of the other sexual activities I did with other folks before my partner. I DO, however, sometimes feel like it could have been a mistake to only be with one person, as I have a constant curiosity. But the relationship is awesome so I wouldn't change anything, in the end.