yeah that pretty much sums it up. I have lots of problems with my uterus, as well as my ovaries and fallopian tubes. I will never be able to have my own genetic children. And while I do want to adopt, I don't know if it will ever be an option for me because I want to go into doctors without borders, and plan on staying in the program for a very long time. I found out that I couldn't have kids when I was 15. I didn't handle the news well. I cried, screamed, threw things, and locked myself in my room for two days, refusing to come out. I went into denial. I drank a lot.I am not in any way proud of my behavior, but I think that given the circumstances I was allowed a little bit of freak out time. I wanted to be a mom almost as much as I wanted to be a doctor. A lot of people did not understand my reaction. While I in no way had this idea that my self worth was wrapped around bearing children, I did want to have kids and not being able to do so is a large blow. I get really mixed reactions from both feminists and non-feminists alike when I tell them that I can't have kids. Some act as though my self worth as a human being is gone because I cannot fulfill my only useful contribution to this world and procreate. Sometimes I actually get true sympathy from people and they actually care that I can't have kids and I want to. But the reactions that drive me nuttier than anything else usually come from feminists who have convoluted ideas about what feminism is and how it has to work in our lives These are the three that really just make me want to strangle the people who say them
Reaction 1: feminists don't want to have kids, you can't have kids and have a career anyways so why are you complaining, ect. First and foremost I would like to dispell this myth that feminists do not want to be moms. Some of us actually do want kids and want to be mothers. Second, why can't I have a career and a family too? I think that being a mom would make most women better professionals, and being a professional would definitely make you a better mother. These arguments piss me off because its almost like telling me that I really don't want a career and to be a feminist because if I truly did then I wouldn't want kids. That pisses me off. I know a lot of feminists who are mothers, and since they raise their kids in a much more enlightened way I think that they are some of the best parents a kid could have.
Reaction 2: what are you complaining aout, you don't have to deal with birth control, this is a blessing, I envy you. This one really gets to me on many levels. First me saying that it bothers me that I cannot have choices over my reproduction pisses me off as much as it pisses off every other feminist, the difference is that to an extent other reproductive options can be obtained. Not the way they should, not as accessibly as it should be, but they are there. Yeah you're right I don't have to deal with birth control, that was done for me and unlike your options mine will never allow me to actually have kids. I do not find having no control over my reproduction to be a blessing. I also do not find it to be a blessing that I cannot have kids. I have made the choice that I want children and I can't because my body won't allow it. I think that anyone who envies me needs to be locked in a psyche ward. I don't find anything to envy about the fact that I spend more time in stirrups with doctors up my vagina than I spend with my SO up my vagina. I also don't think that anyone would envy the person who has to have surgery every month until she turns twenty one when she can have a hysterectomy legally, just so that she doesn't bleed to death.
Reaction 3: well we can't do anything about that, so why don't you help support the cause of allowing women to have choices about their reproduction. This hurts on multiple levels. First, I do support other women's rights to be able to have reproductive freedom. I support it loud and strongly. Not having the choice over my own has made me fight for that cause all that much more. But for someone to turn around and tell me that my cause isn't worthy because so many women don't have the right to choose not to have kids pisses me off. I fight for your rights, why can't you fight for mine? That is the way I look at it. We spend so much time fighting about being able to choose not to have kids that we forget part of that reproductive freedom is the choice to have them as well. And there is something we could do. We could fund reasearch that would allow eggs to be harvested without the use of hormones that give women cancer. We could do research that would stop uterine, ovarian, cervical, and endometrial cancer in their tracks. But all a lot of people want to argue about is abortion this and abortion that. I don't see why we can't fight for both at the same time and I am sick of my issues being pushed to the side so that abortion can be brutalized and talked to death even though we know that there is never going to be a solution because our entire society will never accept that abortion is okay.
Well that's what really pisses me off. Just so you know, I'm prepared for the flack that is undoubtedly coming from this and honestly I don't care. I get to feel the way I want about my body, and no one gets to tell me otherwise. I also get to get mad and criticize feminists for marginalizing their sisters concerns about their freedoms in this world, just so that they can further their own cause.
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Sounds like you've come across some seriously insensitive people. Feminists or not, nobody should be minimizing your feelings about your own reproductive capabilities.
I appreciate your post and I think it's really awful that people have responded so callously to such a personal and emotional issue.
Reaction 1 actually seems extremely anti-feminist to me. Men have careers and children all of the time and people don't question them for wanting these things. Yet when a women wants both, people either call her a bad mother or claim that she's not committed to her career. It's simply offensive to say that women aren't capable of handling both a career and family life.
And reaction 2 is just simply shocking. How could people possibly think it's ok to hear about someone's medical issues and respond by saying "what are you complaining about?" That's just heartless and ignorant. I'm sorry you've had to deal with these people who call themselves feminists.
Agreed for reaction 2. It's basically going with the idea that every woman is the same and has the same reactions to the same situation.
I'm kinda going through a similar situation, and to be honest, the "oh you'll be so lucky, oh but you already have two kids" comments piss me off, not make me feel better.
I mean, yay, no cancer, but I had to have a total hystorictomy (sp?) at 30. It sucks any way you slice it. It's hard for people understand, especially if they haven't gone through being in a position when they've had no control over their reproductive organs. (But I might just be excusing stupidity...) But I appreciate you writing this, because I felt really alone about this.
There's legal age limits on hysterectomies? There's a reproductive rights/bodily autonomy issue right there:
1. If a person is over age 18, ie, a legal adult, why is illegal anywhere in the US to get a hysterectomy (uh, are you in the US?)?
2. If a minor child's parents consent and the doctor recommends it, why can't a minor child obtain a legal hysterectomy?
yes I live in the US. I wrote about that already, it was actually my first post on here. It was called "my body, but not my choice". I am 18 and cannot have a hysterectomy in the state I live in because and I quote "Women are too fragile and hysterical to make the kind of decision necessary to determine if their RIGHT to have children should be gone or not" That is exactly what the law says. It is so fucked up beyond belief, but that is the reality of the situation
Even if people accept laws against elective hysterectomies for minors (which is a big if), why wouldn't this case warrant on anyway on medical reasons? Was surgery every month an exageration? Because that sounds like a good medical reason to have a hysterectomy. I knew a girl who had ovarian cancer in high school and I'm pretty sure she had a hysterectomy (well, maybe they just removed the ovaries). I can't believe that anyone would quibble about your age when there's a serious medical reason.
yes its every month. Because of the law no doctor in the state will operate on me and I have a very hard time finding one who will even see me or talk to me about having a hysterectomy in the future because of the law.
That law just doesn't make any sense. What would they say to someone with cancer? You should go talk to some legislators about that.
I have cancer. It's in remission right now but the doctor said the type of cancer I have will never truly stop forming unless I have a complete hysterectomy, ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, cervix etc. No legislator will even consider proposing a bill that would get rid of this law in my state
I want to extend condolences and sympathy to you, not because your worth as a woman has been destroyed or something like that, but because you were denied something you wanted. Of course, adoption or other ways of becoming a mother are out there, but that doesn't necessarily minimize the impact of having your choices taken away from you. While I do not want children, that doesn't mean I don't sympathize with having those choices taken away in one manner or another.
And good idea - having children is just as important a choice as not having them. Technology to allow people to choose to have children should be improved - just as birth control or other reproductive issues should be addressed. I will remember to bring this up more often, and I thank you for showing me how.
If her eggs are still okay then maybe she can extract them and use a surrogate?
Maybe (if she can afford it!) but that's not the same as going through the pregnancy yourself. Not at all trying to minimize the experiences of women who do choose surrogacy or say that they're not "true" mothers or anything like that. But for some women, the physical process of conception, pregnancy, and birth are a big part of motherhood, and giving that up (even if they are able to have their own "genetic" children) is still a really big loss.
"Bipolar people often attract bipolar relationship partners"
How do you know that? I've never read anything like that. I would think it would be the opposite. I have anxiety disorder (its nothing as serious as bipolar or schizophrenia) and I go for types that are complete opposites.
Wrong "reply" location?
Yup. Whoops! Hate it when that happens!That AND spelling errers
I really am sorry to hear about this, especially since being a parent is such a vital part of the human experience, in my opinion. When there are so many unfit parents out there, I'm always saddened when someone who so clearly wishes to have a child cannot.
I have bipolar disorder and have a history of it on both sides of the family, so the odds of any child I have inheriting the condition is at least 50-60%. Bipolar people often attract bipolar relationship partners, or at least relationship partners who have siblings or family members with the disease, since they understand the condition better than most. However, that also increases the genetic likelihood of passing it down to my child. If I had a child with a bipolar woman, the odds are as high as 70-80% and it would absolutely kill me to see a human life I brought into the world go through what I have.
I think with most hot button issues, abortion becomes a protracted struggle and protracted struggles tend to get the most attention. Nothing is sexier than a cause worth fighting for, but as you've noted, sometimes other worthy causes get pushed aside in the din of heated voices. I wish there's be more research and funding and someday a medication to cure bipolar disorder, but the brain is such a complex organ and we barely understand 2% about it. And it seems to me as though fertility science is just about as poorly understood, since we can manage to provide a woman the ability to have eight children at a time and we haven't quite figured out how to decrease the throttle.
"being a parent is such a vital part of the human experience"
So then what am I as a child-free person? Am I not experiencing life correctly or something?
I am so sorry that you will not be able to have children. There is nothing else left to say.
oops sorry i didn't mean to respond to you i meant to respond to the original poster
"Bipolar people often attract bipolar relationship partners"
How do you know that? I've never read anything like that. I would think it would be the opposite. I have anxiety disorder (its nothing as serious as bipolar or schizophrenia) and I go for types that are complete opposites. I'm just sensitive about stereotypes since I had a friend suffer from mental health stigma. I would hate that these kinds of rumours could get spread without factual back-up.
My boyfriend and his sister both have bipolar disorder. It would have been a shame had his parents decided not to have children because of the "risk" of them getting bipolar. It can be a difficult thing, no doubt, but doesn't equal having a horrible life.
I'm really sorry you've been getting such insensitive reactions. Being upset about not being able to bear your own children is a completely reasonable reaction. I am sure I would be deeply upset if I were in your situation (and someday I may be!).
You would think it wouldn't be that hard for feminists to look outside the bubble of our own sexual / reproductive lives and say, hey, if a person wants to make a certain reproductive decision but that option isn't available, that is a tragedy!
Rebekah- I'm really sorry about the experiences you've had with other people. I can't relate to you in the sense that I am child-free, but I still try my best to respect people like you and would never intentionally minimize your emotions on such a subject.
The only thing I really have to say is in response to your reaction 3. People tend to concentrate on issues that are very close to them. Some people concentrate primarily on animal rights, poverty, abortion rights, etc. I choose to concentrate on abortion rights because it's a right that I see being constantly threatened and challenged. I see a lot of organizations that are dedicated to ending abortion rights, and we have a lot of anti-choice politicians here that would like to end abortion rights as well. I never try to ignore other issues, especially when it comes to choice (like the choice to have a child), but abortion is never going to stop being my primary focus until it's recognized as a basic human right (we have a long way to go, I know).
That's a good point. I support the right of infertile women to pursue other options (for example, medical ways to become pregnant). But I don't see large political and religious organizations trying to take that right away, so I don't think it needs quite so much defending as the right to get an abortion.
I am very sorry that you have gone through this/are going through this. All three of those reactions just piss me off.
I do not know yet if I ever want to have kids. I'm 26 and I'm not in a relationship or anything at the moment and to be honest, I don't really like children. But many say it's different with your own kids, who knows. I used to really want kids and a family. This is an issue I've gone back and forth on several times. But the thing is, if I found out tomorrow that that choice was taken FROM me I'd be horribly upset and I'd probably scream and yell and cry just like you did. I wouldn't see it as a blessing that I don't have to deal with BC. I wouldn't see it as fulfilling some feminist ideal of not having kids anyway (what the fuck is that anyway?!?!). And just because I couldn't do anything about it doesn't mean that I wouldn't be deeply upset over it. The things that upset and stress us out the most are the things we cannot control. Psych 101.
So I don't know exactly if my posts helps in any way but I just wanted to say I understand why this would upset you, you don't need to explain WHY it upsets you and you have every right to be pissed at whoever gives you reaction 1,2 or 3.
There are many insensitive people in our culture; most of us aren't taught how to deal with others' pain and haven't gone through enough ourselves to be able to sympathize or empathize. Due to tragedies my family suffered when I was very young, I've unfortunately been exposed to a lot of this.
There's a couple of thoughts behind what those people have said; either they don't want to think about how you are hurting (so toss off a line to make themselves think it's going to be OK) or they genuinely want to help you by "looking at the bright side" without understanding the depth of your grief. I've been on the receiving end of both these kinds of people -- the ones who are truly your friends are the ones who stick by you even though you are still grieving (in my experience, they are rare and to be cherished even though they may have said the wrong things at first).
I don't know how old you are, or how long it's been since you were blindsided by the loss of your fertility; but you may find it helpful to talk with a professional about your grief. Please take care.
I was told when I was fifteen. I am now eighteen. I have had this for three years and in that time I have heard these more times than I can even count.
I just wanted to offer you my support, rmanning. It is unlikely that I will be able to have children (not medically impossible, but the odds are not good) and I understand where you are coming from. I am a graduate student and I am surrounded by a group of wonderful feminist women who, for the most part, do not want children. I wholly support their decisions, but I found that when I try to talk to them about the sadness that I feel at the possibility of not being able to have kids, they just don't understand. Another common reaction that I have gotten is, "Well anything is possible, it could still happen!" I know that this is meant to be comforting, but waiting for a "miracle" is not really my style. I have never been sure if I wanted children, but now that I am older I find myself increasingly desirous of being a mother. It is a difficult thing to be denied certain choices in life and I wish you the best of luck.