My friends and I enjoy going to a karaoke bar once a week. Most of us are married or in an exclusive relationship, but we do dress up kind of sexy, sing sexy songs, and dance on-stage. It's a lot of fun.
This week, I was playing billiards with a friend I hadn't seen in months. He had brought someone I didn't know along with him. I wasn't comfortable around this new acquaintance -- a stranger, really -- but I was being nice. I was surrounded by friends (including my husband) so I felt secure. At one point I bent over to sink the eight ball, and this stranger took his own pool cue and, to put it nicely, forcibly probed a private area of my body.
I turned around and said, "What the fuck are you doing? Don't touch me." Thinking back on it, I wish I had made a bigger deal out of it. I wish I had been loud and drawn attention to him. But I was so surprised, that was all I did.
It disgusts me that I feel like I have to defend myself, as though I was doing something wrong. As if there's something wrong with baring my midriff, having a single Long Island Iced Tea, and being nice to people. It's not my fault that a stranger felt he could intrude upon my personal space in a very rude, very violating way. But I feel like it's my fault.
Disturbed, I mentioned it to my friend. I wasn't really expecting him to do anything about it, even though he had brought this disgusting example of a human being along, but some sympathy would have been nice. Instead, I earned a nonchalant "it happens" in response and patronizing look. Kind of like I had earned that treatment by looking good and drinking alcohol. It was more upsetting to me that one of my long-time friends, who I trusted so implicitly, would treat me like that, than the actual act of violation itself. (I've already stopped hanging out with him. He's giving me the "oh silly feminist, you'll get over it" treatment and won't let me explain to him why he's suddenly persona non grata, so I'm kind of wondering why I didn't ditch the asshole long ago.)
This isn't the first incident we've had at that particular bar. My sister actually had a worse encounter (although not physical) with one of the bouncers on a night I wasn't there. The conversation was like this.
Bouncer : Hey baby, you should come give me a kiss.
Sister : No.
Bouncer : What, you don't date Black guys?
Sister : I don't date guys at all.
Bouncer : I heard that, but I can't believe you've never slept with a guy at all. Seriously?
Sister : It's none of your business.
Bouncer : You just need a good guy to make you straight!
He kept touching her arm, which was especially dreadful for her since she has social anxiety problems. Furthermore, the trouble was from a person in a position of authority. Bouncers are supposed to keep the patrons safe, after all, not harass them.
My friends and I haven't let our bad experiences deter us, but I wish we could go out and enjoy ourselves without facing these kinds of problems. It's absolutely ridiculous, and it only infuriates me more than I feel responsible for the harrassment, like I should dress more modestly and choose not to drink and stay closer to my husband or something. I hate it so, so much.
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Oh, ick. I'm really sorry that happened to you. (And to your sister.) Some people are just horrible. You are NOT causing these problems with your clothes or your drinking or your courtesy. They happen because some guys think of women as primarily sex-objects, props for their enjoyment, more than as actual people. You're not responsible for that way of thinking (it's been around since before you were born). Every time you get one person to stop thinking that way, it's a real victory...even though there's still so much patriarchal nastiness out there.
I hate that hiding behind a guy often doesn't fight the nasty sexist thinking that woman=sex object. It just makes me look like somebody ELSE's sex object. But sometimes a decent guy, one who really gets it, just backs me up. Not, "Take your hands off my girlfriend," but "She SAID, she wants you to take your hands off her." And the asshole will take him a lot more seriously than me. (Some male assholes are so deep into the idea of women being objects that they don't really listen to women, but others can be usefully called out by a woman who is not their target just then. You can use the buddy system.) But there are some social groups in which there are more assholes than decent people, and it can just get discouraging. I don't mean to suggest you've been doing anything wrong in your current way of socializing, but you might want to look for some new friends who share your values.
I LOVE the distinction between "She said she wants you to" and "Take your hands off my". That is HUGE.
To any straight guy who would read this and say "no big deal, it happens," I'd like to see what they'd do in the exact same situation- unwanted touch from a man they don't know, and everyone saying "well maybe you shouldn't have looked so good" in response. But silly me, men have the right to control their own bodies.
that is so true. i hadn't thought of it that way before. men have used unwanted advances from other men as murder defenses (i'm not defending that), and women aren't taken seriously if we ever object to a man's unwanted touching.
isn't it funny how we don't give ourselves the same rights as men on so many occasions. Sometimes I think we need as much CR as the menz ever will. It really does start with us.
This is why whenever I go to a bar/club I am ready for a fight.
You never know who is going to mess with you, or your friends and you will have to back them up.
Ya got to be ready to talk the situation down or handle your business.
I'm so sick of this. My friends and I like to go out for a beer after work every once in a while. It allows us to relax, have some fun, bitch and moan about our SO's, laugh, and just enjoy life. We love these times. Unfortunately the asshats who also go to the bars piss me off. I can't even go to a bar with my friends and have a beer without being harassed. That says something horribly wrong about our society. I think that there needs to be bars created just for women to go and have fun without having to worry about men at all, a male free bar, that would make my night.
See, i think that, when it comes down to it, is the difference between neanderthals and good people. When a friend/ acquaintance/cute person bends over in front of me, i OFTEN get the urge to poke that person in the privates - i like to poke people, it's kind of my thing. but, and here's the important part, i don't do it. because i have a personal bubble, and i want it respected, and odds are the other person feels the same way. so i keep my poking to a light shoulder jab between friends. it's the intersection of sexism and a lack of common f-ing courtesy what that ass did. i thanks my lucky stars (and my "argue-with-me-and-i-will-cut-you" stage management voice) i generally avoid it, and i'm sorry the luck of the really crappy draw came down on you this time - or on anyone at all.