I have mixed feelings about Joey Dowdy’s new domestic violence video . It’s been on a few listservs this week and I figured I’d post on it. Joey’s name may ring a bell if you are plugged into the dance scene. He was the choreographer for the Backstreet Boys and has gone on to be a go-to guy for health and fitness. Anyway, in his video he discloses that he grew up around violence because his mother was once in a domestic violence relationship. The video is a tribute to her for having the courage to "rise above" the violence.
I think his video makes an important contribution. It restates a fact that doesn’t get as much press coverage: when survivors can rely on others for emotional and practical support, they are less likely to be abused again. This message is important in a context that is quick to oversimplify what is involved in leaving a batterer and abuser. I think that friends and loved ones would do better to help survivors by meeting them where they are at when they are providing support.
However, his video overall doesn't offer the practical support he references. Frames in his P-S-Aish dance video that read, “Never let a person strike you” and “Take control” were really offensive. I think it’s fair to say that women, or survivors of violence of other genders, never “let” people strike them. And the notion that survivors can simply just “Take control” is really loaded. At different points for some people, violence can truly be a totalizing experience in which escape is bleak. When other power inequalities are involved — which in the case of women is the default — framing that implies that people have the control to stop someone from hitting them is really insensitive.
Lastly, I think feminists should keep their eye on this trend of male bystanders staking claim on the domestic violence experiences of their mothers or other women in their life. On one hand, I think that it is undeniable that children who witness domestic violence are impacted by it. But at what point does their account of it start to disrespect the lived experience of the actual survivor? I don’t mean to collapse experiences, but all I could think of as I watched this video was Chris Brown’s Mom and her tear stained face on Larry King this week. Because of her son’s public failings as a batterer, her right to anonymity and privacy regarding her experience was completely disregarded. It was almost as if she wasn’t even there. Chris Brown’s situation may be in a different solar system than Dowdy’s account when considering violence, but the comparison still holds: contradictions can run amok when some men enter the violence conversation. In the Dowdy flick, his plea for practical and emotional support seems irreconcilable with his own oversimplified directives to the world’s survivors. Remorseless Brown found it totally acceptable to discuss his account of his mother’s situation while upholding a self-imposed gag order regarding his own story as an aggressor of violence. In both situations, mothers seem to be getting a raw deal.
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I think feminists should keep their eye on this trend of male bystanders staking claim on the domestic violence experiences of their mothers or other women in their life. On one hand, I think that it is undeniable that children who witness domestic violence are impacted by it. But at what point does their account of it start to disrespect the lived experience of the actual survivor?
I understand why this is controversial especially in the case of Chris Brown but I think your dismissal of the experience of children who grow up around violence to honestly be a bit offensive. They are not just 'impacted' by it. Many children are beaten too if not severely emotionally abused by the batterer. Do male children have no right to discuss the violence perpetrated against them? Stats are very clear that wife batterers will beat and abuse children as well, sometimes physically and many times sexually. The idea that the abuse happens to the mother and is then 'co optable' by the child just blows my mind.
And, really, both of these mothers failed to protect their children from violence and abuse. These children were abused as well and neglected by their mothers. The mothers are not getting a raw deal, they are seeing the consequences of raising children in a violent home. It may not be their fault but they can hardly be shielded from the consequences. Have these women even apologised to their children?
Chris Brown may not be sorry but honestly, what difference does that make? It doesn't actually erase the upbringing that he had. He lived that violence too and he has the right to discuss it if he wants to. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean that their experiences of violence and abuse must be silenced.
I honestly think it's a bit much to go after the child victims of abusive homes to shut up when the whole point is that these children have never had a voice. And since very few of them even speak out, many times out of respect to their family, I think this is a massive overreaction.