First I want to start by saying that I absolutely love and adore my group of friends. They have stood by me through thick and thin and overall they are a great bunch of people. I love and respect them and their opinions very much and even when we don't agree about something we make sure to take their feelings into account before responding against their argument. However something happened last night that really got on my nerves on multiple levels. My inner core group of friends (which consist of myself and three others) all have boyfriends except me. I am single by choice because I have my own issues to deal with before I can handle taking on a relationship. There is a single guy in our extended group who really gets along well with me. We are really good friends. We chase everyone out of the kitchen, cook, and talk about feminism. But that is the extent of it. We aren't attracted to one another and neither one of us likes the other in that way. A relationship between the two of us would never work. But all of our friends come to find out have been scheming to find ways to get us alone together, and to get us together as a couple. Yesterday one of my best friends decided to tell me that "You should marry Bob*" Not even I should date Bob, no I should marry him. I do not appreciate that at all. I do not like being told who to marry. That decision rests soly between me and future mr. right. After that in response to this madness he posts on facebook as his status that a relationship between the two of us was equal to i/0. For all of you non-math people i is a representative irrational number (sort of like pi) and you cannot divide by zero. We go to a science university so everyone we are friends with understood the sentiment behind it, plus there are inside jokes behind the i that I won't get into. Anyways though, we were bombarded with questions about the whole thing and told that it wasn't true and we secretly both really like the other person and don't want to admit it ect. But what really got to me is that when I pointed out beyond the fact that neither one of us is attracted to the other, that I did not want to be in a relationship, I was attacked and informed that because I was female that it was absolutely impossible to feel that way about a relationship and that I always want to be in one unless I already am and then I always want to bring that relationship closer. That really pissed me off because its going to that gender binary that says I am female therefore I must fill in the blank here.I don't like that in any way at all. I don't appreciate the absolute sexism or the questioning of what I want for myself. It was also implied. I am so frustrated at them right now for this. It really pisses me off to think about it simply because they knew that saying something like that would really push my buttons. I don't want to be in a relationship and they cannot accept that. Why does that have to be my problem? What do the rest of you happily single ladies (or guys) do when your friends just won't leave you alone about this?
*not his real name, protecting his identity here
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This doesn't sound like they're questioning your feminist values.
It sounds like they are trying to fit you and your male friend into a social convention - that is, that why would a man spend so much time around a woman if he didn't want her sexually?
This is a common and widely held idea - and there are lots of people who live like that - so your friends expect you and your male friend to fit into that.
Related to that is the idea that if a man and a woman spend a lot of time together and are not dating, it's because of one of two reasons.
- he's gay
or
- he wants her sexually, but she's exiled him to the "friend zone" and refuses to be sexual with him.
Again, for many people, this actually defines them and how they live - you and your male friend are exceptions, and perhaps your other friends just accept that.
Or, just maybe, your other friends know something about your male friend that you don't - maybe he really is interested in you and only your disinterest is blocking a sexual relationship from developing.
The comments you made about your male friend "We aren't attracted to one another and neither one of us likes the other in that way. A relationship between the two of us would never work." are common cliches that many straight women say about men that they've consigned to "the friend zone" and you would almost never hear a man say stuff like that about a female friend - unless, of course, the man is gay and therefore wouldn't be interested in any woman.
So, perhaps, your friends feel that you've unfairly put your male friend in "the friend zone" and are refusing to give him a chance as a possible boyfriend even though he'd be a good choice as a partner.
But, in any case, it doesn't seem like they're questioning your feminist values.
They are just playing matchmaker - and simply cannot understand why you don't want a boyfriend.
Wow for once I actually agree with gregoryabutler.
I agree.
It sounds like your friends are just being immature. They see that you and Bob are great friends, they see that you're single, so they want to "play matchmaker" (as gregoryabutler mentioned). They also clearly see that their game gets a rise out of you, but they probably don't understand how much it upsets you, so they're just bugging you to tease you.
I'd suggest taking your friends aside and saying, "Look, I know you guys like to tease me about Bob, but the joke's over. I've already explained to you that I'm not interested in dating him, and that it's up to me and only me when I want to be in a relationship and when I don't. So seriously, guys, lay off already." When they see that they're actually upsetting you rather than just a playful banter between friends, they'll probably stop -- and if they don't, then you need to find yourself some new friends!
Exactly.
explain to me what is not sexist about any of the things that you pointed out here. It is highly misogynistic to think that two people should be together just because they are heterosexual and of the opposite sex. That is what you are getting at there. That its not antifeminist to put us into accepted social molds that the patriarchy has defined for us.
How is it sexist or misogynist when all this is directed at both the men and women equally?
because the comments weren't targeted at us both equally. I was questioned for not wanting to be in a relationship. I was the one told that because I am female therefore I always want to be in a relationship because that is the only thing that makes a woman truly whole. It was my sexual orientation that was called into question and it was my being too picky that was brought up. The only thing that they picked on him about was that he was clearly denying attraction that was really there. I also apparently only say I don't like him as some desperate attempt to appeal to some patriarchal authority figure because it would please this patriarchal authority figure for me to say no to being in a relationship. If that is not misogyny than I do not know what is.
Just to let you know - you don't need an excuse for not having a boyfriend. You mentioned "having issues", but you could be perfectly fine and not have or want a boyfriend. I'm nit-picking, but sometimes we internalize messages like "you need a boyfriend!" so that we're even excusing ourselves TO ourselves. I'm finding it difficult to explain myself. Anyway, point is, you can just not want a boyfriend.
Could I offer a little bit of unsolicited style advice in the spirit of making your post more accessible?
Your piece would be a lot easier to read if you inserted a few paragraph breaks. I find it really hard to follow a sentence when it's in a gigantic block of text. A few paragraph breaks here and there would make a world of difference in readability.
sorry feministing usually breaks up the post on their own and I've had my post chopped up in strange ways because of that before. Is there any way to fix it now?
I agree with James Gilmore about the paragraph suggestion, but anyway...
I don't see how this is necessarily your friends questioning your feminist values either, unless they've said something specifically to you that you've left out here. It seems that one of the reasons they want to set you up wtih this guy is that you connect with him through feminism. You did mention that was one of your connections right? So that's probably one reason your buddies think this guy would be perfect for you. So how would that be them questioning your feminism?
I do see how it is annoying though that they keep trying to play matchmaker after you've made it clear that you don't like this guy that way. I think Lily A.'s advice was good. That you should take your friends aside and have a serious talk with them about this. Maybe do it one at a time so you're not talking to them all in a group where they can all make a joke of it or kind of gang up on you about it.
I totally agree with you that your friends' pressure to be in a relationship is problematic. But I think it's important to remember that they probably don't see it as antifeminist, or oppressive, or disrespectful. In fact, since your three closest friends have boyfriends, and presumably that makes them happy, they are probably just trying to help you be happy in the way they think will work.
My mom does a somewhat similar thing to me. By the time she was my age (I'm 20, a junior in college) she and my father were dating, and they got married right after they graduated. Their relationship made (and makes) my mom happy, so she's mentioned to me that she's concerned that I might be lonely since I'm single. I told her I'm content, and gently said that what makes her happy doesn't necessarily make me happy. She accepted that and stopped bringing it up. Maybe you can broach the subject in a similar way with your friends.
Once again I discover that I am actually a man. Where's that raise, dammit?
For all of you non-math people i is a representative irrational number (sort of like pi) and you cannot divide by zero.
I sympathise with your frustration with sexist friends, but I have to point out - i is imaginary, not irrational. I think rational/irrational is only defined over the reals, and the absolute value of i is 1 in any case. >>
okay sorry for that. I've been heard it called both imaginary and irrational, and I also hear the terms used interchangeably by certain people, even though its inaccurate
This society expects us to be partnered with someone. Look at commercials, movies, TV program, or magazine stories. Not only do they expect us to be with someone no matter what, we're meant to feel as though we're not complete individuals until we are in a relationship. This is something that I as a man certainly feel but I bet the while the implication towards women is the same, the implied message is slightly different.
I'm meant to feel like I'm a total loser and that all I need to do is just try harder. A woman who is single is likely meant to feel as though there must be something wrong with her, since the societal implication is that a woman can always find a man no matter what. A man might be assumed to be the victim of bad luck in seeking a partner and get the benefit of the doubt from some, but a woman who is single must be damaged in ways that words cannot express.
that is exactly how they have made me feel since I told them I did not want a boyfriend. They have made continual comments about this, oh and now there is a bet going to see how long its going to take for the two of us to be together.
Yeah, this is some nonsense. You want the split between guys and girls in this situation? I have a female roommate. I was just back home for a week. About a half-dozen times I was asked, "So did you have sex with Chandra* yet?" The only person who didn't go straight to asking about sex was my mom (thank fucking god). All she asked was, "So you two still aren't a thing?" despite the fact I've told her on at least four separate occasions that it ain't happening, period.
Contrary to what some people think, it's obviously quite possible for heterosexual members of opposite sexes to be friends. What seems to be impossible is for that to happen without all of this coming at them from one angle or another.
*not real name