Young Feminist With Brother
I'm a young feminist (14) with a brother I love dearly.
Yesterday my father took us to half price books, and as I was checking out the Women's Studies books, my brother comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "Caitlin can you help me find the Dear America books?"
I asked him why he had not just asked a worker. He then said, "Because Dear America books are girl books."
I had and have no idea what to do. Help?
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I used to love the "Dear American" back in the fourth and fifth grade. I never thought of them as "for girls" but other people have. There is a lot of stigma from other guys to conform and read stuff like "Captain Underpants" or not read at all. He has been shamed before or have seen other people shame/harassed/ect.
I recommend telling him that sales assistants are there to help and don't judge. Then just explain that if you like something then its "for boys." You might want to use examples like football players sometimes knits or do ballet. Or use people you know. Try not to go overboard, if your not subtle then your might freak him out or make it seem uncool. Just keep it short and simple. If he doesn't want to bring the book to school then don't pressure him to. Remember this isn't about any social statement, its about him enjoying reading.
As a previous commenter has said, rationally explaining the matter to him is the best option. You're not going to be able to make him see past the lies of conventional masculinity immediately, but listening and making your case will do a world of good.
I definitely agree that you should use this as an opportunity to challenge your brother's ideas about what's a "girl" book and what isn't. But I would also acknowledge that you understand why he whispered- because he knows that some people will make fun of him for reading those books. Explain why you disagree with those people, and that you are a safe person to talk to about those things (he already seems to have figured it out, but it's good to reinforce it). Then later he will hopefully become comfortable enough to express his choices to a wider audience. Keep up the good work!
I disagree with the previous posters. I don't think you should take this as an opportunity to tell him anything. I think you should instead ask a few questions:
What about these books makes them girl books?
What is a boy book?
What is wrong with a boy reading a so-called girl book?
If a girl was interested in a boy book, would that be wrong too?
Don't you think it's unfair that people can't just be interested in a type of book or subject?
You don't have to ask these exact questions, let the conversation happen naturally, but people learn best when they hear themselves talk about an idea. You should focus on listening to his answers and attempting to help him clarify his ideas by asking questions and letting him talk about the thoughts behind his feeling these are girl books. If he asks you what you think, answer him; however, you should try to talk less, ask more questions.
I disagree with the previous posters. I don't think you should take this as an opportunity to tell him anything. I think you should instead ask a few questions:
What about these books makes them girl books?
What is a boy book?
What is wrong with a boy reading a so-called girl book?
If a girl was interested in a boy book, would that be wrong too?
Don't you think it's unfair that people can't just be interested in a type of book or subject?
You don't have to ask these exact questions, let the conversation happen naturally, but people learn best when they hear themselves talk about an idea. You should focus on listening to his answers and attempting to help him clarify his ideas by asking questions and letting him talk about the thoughts behind his feeling these are girl books. If he asks you what you think, answer him; however, you should try to talk less, ask more questions.
I remember reading Dear America when I was younger. I got the Titanic one at the height of the craze and I liked the spin-off series, The Royal Diaries.
Reminiscing aside, even though most of the Dear America diarists were girls (I actually remember there being a spin-off series with male diarists, like a WW2 soldier and a Civil War soldier for each side), the books were decent historical fiction and it's not as if he would be reading Gossip Girl or The Princess Diaries (not that there would be anything wrong with that either!). Ask him if he likes and is interested in history and then whether or not the fact that these books are written from mostly a girl's point of view should matter.
I like other people's advice, but I wanted to add that it's pretty cool that your brother wants to read "girl books" despite the fact that they're "girl books!" Even if he's embarrassed about asking for help finding the books, the fact that he wants to read them is great!
I loved them when I was between 6 and 10 which was when they had first come out. I think that they are good historical books to read and are not "girly" books at all. Have a conversation with him about these things, it'll help him think about it more
I'd argue that much of the advice here ignores the reality of being a young kid. You're brother has a pretty good interest, but he's ashamed of it. That is unfortunate, but as his sister you are not going to be able to change him of that opinion by confronting him with a feminist guilt trip. There is a fairly good chance that all that is likely to accomplish is to turn him away and to make him never mention it again.
Instead get him the book, let it be his secret let him set the terms of the arrangement. Then when he is more comfortable, he will be more open to you casually mentioning that you do not think it is a big deal. Tell him that you think it is cool he is interested in these books. At that point you're approaching the situation as the cool sister, rather than coming across as sounding as though your scolding him.
As far as conveying a feminist message? He's reading books (from what I can tell) written from the perspective of women at various points in American history. Sounds pretty good, no need to over do it, and he might actually bring the issues and events he reads about up with you.
That is unfortunate, but as his sister you are not going to be able to change him of that opinion by confronting him with a feminist guilt trip.
A feminist guilt trip, seriously? No one here suggested anything remotely close to a guilt trip.
There is a fairly good chance that all that is likely to accomplish is to turn him away and to make him never mention it again.
Pure codswallop. You have no way of knowing that will happen much less that there is a 'fairly good chance' of it.
As far as conveying a feminist message? He's reading books (from what I can tell) written from the perspective of women at various points in American history. Sounds pretty good, no need to over do it
The author of this post didn't ask how to convey a feminist message. Some of the advice involves a feminist message, yes, but I fail to see how that's "overdoing it." Maude forbid we teach our boys that girls/women are full human beings deserving of respect, they might start believing it!
P.S. A boy ashamedly reading a few books written from a girl's prospective is not some great feminist stride. It's a sad commentary on how we raise boys in the society.
A feminist guilt trip, seriously? No one here suggested anything remotely close to a guilt trip.
Seriously? Do you think that a ten year old boy will here a "question" such as these
What about these books makes them girl books?
What is a boy book?
What is wrong with a boy reading a so-called girl book?
And not feel like he's just received a lecture? Do you think that because they have question marks the kid will be too stupid to figure it out? Kids get things like this all the time, those questions will be viewed as no different as the times he's asked things along the lines of "Why did you leave your shoes on when you came inside when you knew they were covered in mud"
Pure codswallop. You have no way of knowing that will happen much less that there is a 'fairly good chance' of it.
There is if you mentally put yourself in the place of a ten year old boy.
The author of this post didn't ask how to convey a feminist message. Some of the advice involves a feminist message, yes, but I fail to see how that's "overdoing it."
Because when a person is feeling awkward and uncomfortable about approaching someone for a favor it is not the time to blast them with a lecture for feeling awkward and uncomfortable about it.
Maude forbid we teach our boys that girls/women are full human beings deserving of respect, they might start believing it!
Heaven forbid a kid avoids some ridicule, feels a bit more comfortable about what he likes, and his sister becomes closer to him. But he's a boy, so I guess we should forget any concept of empathy.
P.S. A boy ashamedly reading a few books written from a girl's prospective is not some great feminist stride. It's a sad commentary on how we raise boys in the society.
Its a sad commentary, but unless he made fun of another kid about this type of issue, you are not helping matters, you are just yelling at the kid because he doesn't want to be made fun of.
Seriously? Do you think that a ten year old boy will he[ar] a "question" such as these[:]
What about these books makes them girl books?
What is a boy book?
What is wrong with a boy reading a so-called girl book?
And not feel like he's just received a lecture? Do you think that because they have question marks the kid will be too stupid to figure it out? Kids get things like this all the time, those questions will be viewed as no different as the times he's asked things along the lines of "Why did you leave your shoes on when you came inside when you knew they were covered in mud[?]"
I agree there's a chance that the poster's younger brother will view anything his sister says to him as a lecture. He may not be ready to discuss the issue or uncomfortable discussing it with his sister. However, I don't think that's an excuse not to offer him the opportunity.
Furthermore, I advised asking questions, real questions about his thoughts not a lecture buried in a question, then listening to his answers sans well-meaning interruptions for the express purpose of avoiding a lecture. There's nothing wrong with modeling analytic behavior and listening skills for a child or practicing these skills yourself.
If hermietastic is committed to being a Feminist and bringing about social change, she should learn and practice the skills she needs to sensitively broach these kinds of topics so that there can be a helpful, enlightening discussion not a lecture. This particular instance may not go well for her, may not bring about immediate success, but something being hard and a risk of failure is no reason to not to try.
However, I don't think that's an excuse not to offer him the opportunity.
When the brother is awkward and vulnerable is not a time to offer that opportunity because it will close future opportunities. By not engaging there is a chance to engage later on the same issue when he feels more comfortable and might actually be able to have a more honest conversation.
If hermietastic is committed to being a Feminist and bringing about social change, she should learn and practice the skills she needs to sensitively broach these kinds of topics so that there can be a helpful, enlightening discussion not a lecture. This particular instance may not go well for her, may not bring about immediate success, but something being hard and a risk of failure is no reason to not to try.
There is no way, under those conditions, to bring about a discussion. If a person feels uncomfortable and nervous they aren't going to be receptive.
Part of practicing those things is realizing that sometimes you need to open your discussion with something to make the other side feel comfortable, because it serves your goals too. By not engaging in a discussion, and instead simply supporting her brother, she helps establish a rapport. That rapport will later allow her brother down the road to have the deep enlightening discussion you suggest, but it is a low key approach which brings you to that point.
Asking him why he feels that the books are for girls is unnecessary. The books are all about women, and the marketing is pretty clearly targeted towards girls. Asking him why he doesn't want to be seen purchasing the book is unnecessary, he doesn't want to be seen purchasing the book because he's afraid of being made fun of. But if he is nervous about giving these responses, or if he doesn't feel he can articulate them in a satisfactory manner, he'll feel trapped.
Just like when a kid is presented with the question "why didn't you take off your shoes when you came inside" the kid knows the answer, he wanted to go inside quickly and he wasn't thinking about it. But he knows he can't say that. The proposed questions will provoke the exact same type of situation.
Whats more, if by appearing not to care at all about the thing she might spark his interest in why she doesn't seem to think it is a big deal. If it is left open enough he might approach her with the conversation, which means he'll be more open and more willing to discuss it.
I think you ought to help him find the books. An acquaintance of mine, who is a children's librarian, once told me something interesting. You might want to pass it along to your brother. There are apparently a LOT of boys who read historical fiction that's primarily marketed to girls. She thought it was sad that they felt like they had to hide it. So do I.
I don't know how old your brother is. I'm guessing he's more of a boy than a man. It's hard to challenge the boundaries of gender roles when you're still figuring out exactly where they are, and gender policing can be really hard on adolescents. I noticed that your brother wanted to read the books. He was just afraid of having it publicly known--he didn't want the gender police to catch him doing something too girly. Not knowing what your community is like for boys or young men who don't quite fit gender expectations, I can't say what he's afraid of...getting laughed at? getting beaten up?
A couple of years ago, I was walking across a university courtyard at lunchtime. I saw a big muscular man in work clothes, absorbed in one of the Little House on the Prairie paperbacks as he ate. (They have those distinctive yellow covers.) I thought, "There's a guy who's secure in his masculinity." But it's easier to be secure when you're 30, and work at a university (even doing manual labor), than when you go to middle school.
How about you quietly help him find those books, and don't turn it into a issue?
Not everything has to be a teachable moment. It's not like he doesn't get it on some level already. He says they are "girl books" but he wants to read them anyway -- so they can't truly be "girl books" to him. If he bought that concept uncritically, he would either be entirely uninterested, or worse, make a show of shunning them. No, what he is uncomfortable with is gender policing from others, not from within himself -- and for that, he doesn't need pressure from you.
If you open that line of inquiry with him in the bookstore, I guarantee that he will do his best to shut down the conversation (i.e., before someone hears you), and you will never see one of those books in his hand again. He will feel caught between hiding from the ridicule he fears, and you, who are (for lack of a better word) "outing" him.
I suggest you give him the space to cross gender enforcement boundaries in his own time and manner, and save the active rejection thereof for a time when he is older and more secure.