My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now. It's hard to think that I am being abused because he never has hit me but he is very controlling. I don't know who I am anymore... I was scheduled to study abroad but because of several attempts to leave me over this I had a breakdown at orientation and was unable to go. He has also isolated me from my friends and makes me feel bad everytime I go out even though he is allowed to because I don't speak up. He always is saying that I am going to leave him even though I have never broken up with him. I feel like he is going to leave me and everytime he threatens to I tell him its okay that he wants to go, but he always comes back within the hour. I feel like he doesn't trust me and that I never am good enough even though he is always giving m compliments (all the time). I tell him that I don't need compliments and he says something like well they are true and what not. I do love him and I just need to know if I should get out of this relationship or if there are steps I can take to fix this problem.
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You need to get out of this relationship *now*, before he starts abusing you physically -- he's already abusing you mentally and emotionally.
omg run. I had a boyfriend like that. He kept telling me, over and over, that I was so awful he was the only man who would ever love me. I'd just graduated from an M.A. program in International Affairs and he careened into my life, demanding that I follow him home to England or he would kill himself because I didn't love him, denigrating my hard-earned degree all the while, putting down my education every day. He isolated me from my friends and spoke against my family. He would walk ten feet in front of me and pout everytie I called him on anything. One day, he got angry at the dog and kicked him for no apparent reason except his temper. That was the beginning of the escalation. Eventually he tried to strangle me. As a result of this incident I got seriously sidetracked in my career and ended up working at odd jobs in community journalism, and never went back to my initial ambitions. The longer you wait, the harder it is to get back in the game because your skills and knowledge become obsolete. Run!!!!!
Also, I would repeatedly tell this guy that if he wasn't happy he could just leave, and he never did. Instead, he played on my guilt (threatening suicide, when I'm very sensitive about depression, and he didn't have health insurance to go to hospital); accused me of being selfish for not wanting to share my space (you'll end up old and alone, just you wait); argued over and over again that "he wasn't imposing on me all that much"; etc. I suppose I could have called police but over time I had become attached to him. I got used to him being there and there was intimacy, and this made it harder to act. Looking back, I would have opted for short-term emotional pain and long-term freedom.
Get out.
Why stay with someone who makes you unhappy?
Smiley, You are 100% correct.
Confused, you will have plenty of time to figure out exactly what happened and why after you leave (if you still care that much). There is absolutely no reason to stay with some one who doesn't make you happy and you don't sound happy. If you have some other reason for staying, like you are scared he will hurt you or if you are scared to be alone then that is the real problem, what will happen when you leave, no whether you should leave. Besides, it sounds like you have already decided that this relationship sucks.
I find this comment woefully ignorant on the mental/emotional state many abuse victims have while being abused. It's not as simple as "he doesn't make you happy...okay..leave." It's comments like this that oversimplify the complexity of abusive relationships into a black/white situation, which abuse, clearly isn't.
Mrs. s
Smiley's comment may be simplified, but, it is also good sense. Why stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy? I would go further and suggest there is no good reason to stay in relation with one who causes so much stress, so leave him.
From what the OP has described, she is in an abusive relationship. Staying and "trying" can only make it worse. It's the worst idea.
In all my years, I have not ever encountered an abusive relationship that stopped being abusive, with or without counseling.
Usually, counseling leads to the survivor moving on with her/his life.
There are so many people in the world we can bless with our presence, why continue sharing it with someone who obviously can't handle it, takes it for granted and abuses it?
gads!
Your life is a gift! Take care of it!
and know that it is brave to ask the question you asked
now summons more of your bravery and get on with a healthy life.
I also think that the question should not be what YOU can do to fix the problem, but what HE can/ should do. I mean, from what you wrote here this is a guy who pushed you to the verge of a nervous breakdown. You have done nothing wrong. You have upheld the relationship while he kept walking away from you.
If he does not change his behaviour (and apparently he doesn't see a need to) you have every right to walk away from him.
I understand the reasoning behind determining "what he can do" to fix the problem. But, such exercises are typically unproductive -- you can't force him to fix himself, so your only choice is to correct from your end (i.e. find a better dude).
kbz
That's basically what I was trying to say (I'm a little sick and English is not my first language, so maybe I wasn't clear).
Also, I just want to add that I got out of a 5-year-relationship last year and even though my boyfriend was never emotionally/ physically abusive, he managed to make me feel like the break-up (or rather the fact that we couldn't remain friends afterwards) was all my fault, although he had been the one who was screwing around. It is extremely hard to convince yourself at that point that you are not the one who is to blame and that you don't owe that person, who did not give a shit for your feelings, ANYTHING!!!
It was really hard and I haven't been feeling exactly great for a long time, but since I've recovered from the break-up I am stronger and happier than I have ever been. I finally know who I am again!!!
Having been in a similar situation. Ask yourself this what do you want out of a boyfriend and what do you want out of your life?
Do you want a partner who always hangs out with you?
Do you want a partner who has veto power over you moving away?
Do you want a partner who is very dramatic about breaking up and getting back together?
None of these things is necessarily bad ( I am going to ignore some of the clearer signs of abuse). For me I was always strong and independent and focused on school and having a good career. It is hard to get out of the cycle of abuse where he is so nice 90% of the time and really scary the other 10%. But realizing that even the good parts were something I dont want made me leave. Good luck!
IF you love yourself, you would like to get back to loving yourself, or out of respect for those who truly love you ~LEAVE HIM, now.
End the relationship, end communication with him and get a qualified therapist / counselor to help you work through whatever issues you had previous to the relationship that allowed it to occur, as well as all of the issues new to you, via the abusive relationship you participated in.
In ending the relationship, he may threaten you, stalk you, etc. In that case IMMEDIATELY inform the police. Keep a record of any communication you did not invite. Speak clearly and ask that he cease and desist all contact with you. Allow calls to go to VM. Have an outgoing message that warns: Please leave a message at the beep and know that you are being recorded.
If you don't live with him, change your locks. If you do live with him, move out immediately and move in with friends or family for awhile.
Yes, you can fix this~ you can take control of your life by leaving the abusive relationship you are in. Thank goodness you don't have children with him. Get out, get out now.
When you are ready for a relationship again, find someone who can integrate into your life and vice versa. Someone who is not supportive of the relationships you have with friends and family, your career and education, is not worth your time and energy. Your time and energy are worthy of greatness, worthy of love and support, you are worthy. Respect yourself.
Re-member that as you move on.
You are worthy of loving, caring, generous, supportive, uplifting, respectful, room to breathe love.
Once I upon a time, I could have written almost that exact post.
Get out. Now.
That makes it sound simple. It's not simple. It was a nightmare--my ex went ballistic, "attempted" suicide, blamed it entirely on me (note: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS), turned our friends against me, made my life hell.
Can you imagine what would have happened if I had stayed with him?!
It sucks, it's hard, you might feel like a terrible person at times, but it's worth it, I swear. I've been there; it's worth it.
The point of developing close relationships with people, whether they be friends, family, colleagues, romantic relationships, etc, is to have people in your life who support you and build you up. Someone who really loves you, and who really wants to build you up and make you happy would never, ever work to isolate you.
My abuser never hit me - probably only because I got out before it escalated to that point. I met him my freshman year of college. It was a recipe for disaster: I was scared, lonely, and doubting myself in a brand new place, and he reached out to me. I became dependent on him very quickly. I still talked to my family and friends from home a lot. This always made him angry, and he constantly told me I need to let go of childish things, things that were holding me back...like my friends and family. He was NEVER alright with me going somewhere on my own, telling me I was going to use the time he wasn't there to hook up with other guys. He worked very, very hard to isolate me. Years after I left him, I was literally shocked when my new boyfriend encouraged me to go out one night with my best friend - without him. Wasn't he going to get angry at me later? Wasn't he going to accuse me of trying to cheat on him? No - because people who want you to be happy recognize the importance of your best friends and your family. They would never try to isolate you.
If this relationship isn't building you up, if it doesn't make you feel loved and valued and important...then get out. You deserve so much more then this.
Don't take credit for other peoples successes cause then you'll also have to take credit for their failures too. You are not responsible for anyone's sanity, happiness, sadness, suicidal tendencies, etc. except your own and those of the people you have guardianship over (your children if you have any).
You can control yourself and the way you respond to others, and to situations. You can not control him, his emotion, his actions, his love and hate.
He is not you, he is not your child, he is not your patient, he is not yours to work with- move on. You are responsible for yourself and any children in your guardianship- period.
A good friend of mine was in a relationship that started out just like yours, emotionally and verbally abusive. Eventually, she moved out of state with him. They had a child. He would taunt, tease and belittle her for calling friends and family. He told her she was weak, stupid and a "psycho". He told her that friends and family members propagated her "psycho" ness when they called or tried to visit. She was an educated, feminist, artist, who was led to believe that she was too stupid and crazy to function without him.
One day she called me while he was out. She was whispering into the phone about this and that horrid thing he had said and how horrid she was feeling.
I offered her a ticket to my city & a place to stay for free. I offered to pay for a ride to her parents & raise money for a UHaul and storage space
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
I told her I loved her, but I could not support her being in that relationship any more than I could support a junkie shooting up heroine.
I said,
"Call me when you're ready to get out of there, and not until then. I love you, goodbye."
The next time I heard from her, just a few months later, was after he held a gun to her head while she was nursing their son.
She got out and is thriving now.
She got out and eventually had to get a restraining order. She got out, but had to ask permission from the court to move with their child, to the city her parents live in, 2 hrs away.
She got out and he followed her, talked shit about her in the community, jeopardized her job, her additional schooling, broke into her apt. and stole her journals, disabled her vehicle.
She got out and spent time in a half way house for women escaping abuse. She got out and couldn't believe that she allowed herself to be in that situation in the 1st place.
She got out so I can share this story with you.
GET OUT!
Good luck.
Confused,
I'm going to reiterate what everyone else has said on here.
RUN!
This isn't an overreaction, it's not making something out of nothing, it's not focusing too much on the bad and not enough on the good.
You have got to GET OUT before it's too late--because it can and WILL become too late soon if you don't get out of this toxic relationship. Would you say yes if he asked you to marry him? What if you got pregnant? What if he got sick or injured, and you would feel guilty if you left? What if you got sick or injured, and had only him to depend on?
You need to RUN not walk away from this situation. I've told girlfriends to RUN away for less; everything about what you've described qualifies as emotional abuse, and as many people can tell you (from experience), emotional abuse escalates into physical and financial abuse.
RUN!
Please look online for more resources in getting out of relationships like the one you're in, and try to find someone experienced in these matters (be it a therapist, relative, friend, or adviser) to talk to about why you have stayed in this relationship so long.
Abuse doesn't have to be just physical. What you described sounds like emotional abuse and manipulation, and it isn't very likely to change.Isolating you from others is also a huge red flag--will you have a support system if it does escalate to physical abuse? And even if it doesn't escalate, are you happy with the dynamic the way it is?
Please take care of yourself first. You can't "fix" a relationship with a manipulator when the dynamic is working for him.
As someone who has personally gone through this situation as well, I agree with the others. Please leave. I know it is hard, I know it will take some time. Just remember that you are worth a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Your boyfriend is being abusive. Please, if you don't leave immediately, (which may happen), always make sure you have a plan b, which could be a safe house to go to, or a close, trusted friend.
Everything this guy is doing is disrespectful and controlling. He is displaying classic signs of an abusive male.
There is a great organization called Sanctuary for Families that helps women in your situation. You should look them up online, contact them and ask them if you can talk to someone there. They will help you sort through your feelings and make a healthy decision. While it sounds to me like you should get out of this relationship, you have to make that decision for yourself. No one can make it for you. But ask yourself, "Am I happy? Is this how I want my life to be? Do I feel happy when I'm with him or am I anxious?"
Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to stay with him - and just because he hasn't hit you doesn't mean it's not abuse.
A have a friend - a feminist - who, for a long time stayed in a relationship that was emotionally abusive, where her boyfriend *and a friend of mine* would take the keys to her car so she couldn't leave, and would emotionally manipulate her into feeling as though the troubled relationship was her fault.
Although a feminist, she found she had no voice, and no one to tell these things to. It took a long time, through reading and working with other feminists, that she was able to find that voice. She then spoke and left.
I hope you find your voice in that relationship, too.
emotional abuse is in many ways worse than physical abuse. It is devious and much more difficult to spot, especially from inside the relationship. Furthermore, abusers will almost always try to re-write the past or gloss over the abuse. you said that
"It's hard to think that I am being abused because he never has hit me but he is very controlling"
we are always taught about physical abuse because it inspires direct fear and clearly removes agency. Emotional abuse is doing the same thing to you. The difference in the mechanism of abuse is irrelevant; the way it makes you feel and act is what matters.
There's nothing to fix. The sooner you get out the better.
It's hard to know what's going on in someone's life from a paragraph on a web page, but if you're concerned enough to write this, then you're probably right to be worried about what's going on. I suggest that you find someone you trust and talk things over with them, preferably someone who knows what's going on in your life and can see things from a different perspective Your post suggests that you're currently a college student, so your parents might be a good choice. If they don't like your "boyfriend", then you should definitely stop seeing this guy and figure out a way to get away from him before things turn ugly.
You need to get out of this relationship, and the sooner the better. The more quietly, the better, as well.
It sounds to me like he suffers from low self-esteem, and because of this he monitors you. Talking to you about not wanting you to leave to study abroad, I can understand (though, if it's what you really want, your future should mean more to him than his feelings if he really does care about you).
If you live together, I would suggest breaking up with a friend of yours nearby and either changing the locks before this conversation (if he seems dangerous or you know he has someplace to go) or staying with said friend for a set period of time allowing him to leave peacefully (if he seems stable and won't wreck the place). It seems harsh, but trust me, you want to play it safe without being needlessly rude.
Also, keep in mind that long-distance relationships are hard for people with high self-esteem, so with anyone you going abroad may mean the end of the relationship. With this guy, it's pretty much guaranteed and you should be ready for this before anything changes. If you don't leave him, though, chances are good nothing will improve and you won't be able to grow.
You're probably noticing a theme in the replies.
The theme is: GET OUT NOW!
Those are all the signs of a potential abuser or stalker.
Will be become abusive? Not necessarily. But it doesn't matter. Either way he has traits that are not at all acceptable in a partner.
He's not going to change. Not for you. Maybe after half a dozen people dump him for this behavior he'll change.
If your friend told you that her boyfriend treated her this way, what would you tell her? You'd tell her to dump him. NOW. No question. Be as smart for yourself as you would be for your friend.
I'm going to join in the big chorus of people who've been in your situation. Leave him, now. He is already mentally and emotionally abusing you, and it is only a matter of time before the abuse WILL (yes, will) become physical. I know it's hard--you probably love him, for one thing, and he's going to make breaking up with you extremely difficult. If you don't do it, though, things will only get worse, never better.
OMG. Sometimes I have to ask myself if some of these posts are just totally made up. I hope that the OP is actually a teenager or something, because I can't fathom that any adult regular reader of this site would not know that this type of behavior would be uniformly considered an abusive situation to get out of immediately.
Something I notice: people warn the poster that this mental abuse WILL turn into physical abuse at some point. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. There are plenty of abusive, controlling, manipulative people who never escalate to physical assault and maintain their control via non-violent means, typically through long-term emotional abuse. What I'm saying is, why does it have to be feared that this will turn physical in order for this to be a horrible, horrible situation? Even if he never lays a hand on her, this type of relationship is disablingly toxic enough on it's own. It bothers me that some people don't feel it's really 'abuse' until you have a black eye.
And it bothers me that you are condescending toward the OP's attitude as to whether or not this is abuse.
You don't live her life, you know not of her personal experiences, and you probably have had a chance to hash out thoughts about what constitutes abuse and what does not. She hasn't. This is her opportunity.
Instead of viewing her as too stupid to not know whether it's abuse, how about pointing her in the right direction? Abuse happens to women of all ages - and there are varities of factors why they might not see it as abuse. Perhaps you ought to think of that, rather than writing her off as a "teenager or something."
Thank you for this.
Crumpet, I've noticed a pattern of you being condescending when someone posts questions about abusive relationships. It's happened more than once in the last week.
People who are in abusive relationships aren't stupid, they're not mentally unhealthy, they're not undeserving of supportive friends. Abusive relationships are a confusing situation, especially due to the pattern of seemingly-loving-behavior interspersed with abusive incidents. In short, it is a mindfuck. If you're going to continue shitting on people who post here who seek guidance when they or their friends are in one of these relationships, I suggest that your input isn't really needed.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but people in abusive relationships most certainly are emotionally unhealthy at the very least. Stupid? No. Being in abusive relationships can be a lot like being addicted to nicotine or any other drug: you continue to engage in behaviors even though you know they aren't good for you and logic has nothing to do with it. IQ has nothing to do with it. I just cannot discern that someone who regularly reads this site (and if they have they have certainly seen similar threads with similar responses) would even have to wonder if the majority of posters here would consider it abusive when a boyfriends isolates you from family or friends, tries to control your decisions whether by emotional manipulation or threats.
If everyone here is so concerned, why isn't anyone pointing out to her that she would benefit from seeing a professional about this, or even consulting with free advocates at a local women's shelter? Being in a relationship like this to the point that you even have to and recognize that wonder if it's abusive or not means that no one on a message board is going to be able to connect all the dots and see the relationship for what it is. Even if she wants out she most likely won't know how to go about it in a way that is really effective and beneficial to her future relationship choices. I'm not sorry for noticing that the OP sounds like a really young, inexperienced person because she does (not that that is a bad thing). I've never said that these folks did not deserve supportive friends, ever. I have said that it is okay for friends to distance themselves from emotionally unhealthy people who cannot actively participate in the relationship/friendship for any reason (in other words, you don't have to be co-dependent to a co-dependent in order to prove you are a good friend). I'm not at all surprised by the feedback I got after my post. Coddling people can make you feel good I suppose but sometimes I don't feel like beating around the bush. No matter how old you are, no one can afford to waste the best years of their lives on bad relationships.
"If everyone here is so concerned, why isn't anyone pointing out to her that she would benefit from seeing a professional about this, or even consulting with free advocates at a local women's shelter?"
Why didn't you suggest this, instead of insinuating that this post was fake, or the OP was stupid? Don't try to shift blame to the rest of us to hide the fact that you've made a completely inappropriate reply to this post.
Please read this:
http://community.feministing.com/2009/10/domestic-violence-my-feministi.html
I think you could really benefit from reading it. I also think you need to listen to what other posters are telling you. Stop being so defensive. Take in what people are saying. Your comments were insensitive and you keep digging yourself into a further hole. Take the time to talk to others and educate yourself further about domestic violence and abuse as a whole.
Does the term "victim blaming" ring a bell?
Either way, this conversation ends here, because this post is about providing the OP with the help and advice she asked for, not educating you because of your ineptitude in dealing with DV survivors, nor is it a forum for you to rant and attack DV survivors.
The feminist thing to do, in this case, is to examine why others have called on you for attacking the OP, and learn from it, not continue to hit home a point that has been deemed offensive.
If I could like this comment 20 times I would. This was perfect. Thank you for writing this.
RE: Marc & Alixana
Ditto.
There is no excuse for calling an abuse victim stupid. Especially when they are reaching out for help and guidance. Not only is it ignorant and cruel, it could easily contribute to trapping that person in their abusive situation.
Confused, you were very brave and very smart to reach out for help. Everyone is right, you need to get out, NOW. I haven't been in this situation myself, but I would guess that an important step to take is to find a safe place (with a trusted family member or friend, or a shelter) and run to it.
I never called the poster stupid.
Do not walk, RUN!!! I've had a friend with this same problem back in high school and her parents were okay with letting that prick control her! He worked for the cell phone company she subscribed to and had access to every call she made or received. She cut off all contact with our friends. She didn't mind much of this because she thought he was good to her. He never laid a hand on her, but it took her year and half to find the willpower go to a college far from him and never speak to him again. Love is NOT abuse!
Do not walk, RUN!!! I've had a friend with this same problem back in high school and her parents were okay with letting that prick control her! He worked for the cell phone company she subscribed to and had access to every call she made or received. She cut off all contact with our friends. She didn't mind much of this because she thought he was good to her. He never laid a hand on her, but it took her year and half to find the willpower go to a college far from him and never speak to him again. Love is NOT abuse!
Leave him. Stay and you'll be miserable. You'll spend the rest of your life regretting never finding yourself, never being yourself, never living your own life the way you want to live it. Anyone that stops you from being yourself is no good for you, no matter how much you may love him. He'll strip away every ounce of love you have for yourself by turning you into someone you're not. You'll never know happiness if you spend your life being someone else for someone else. To thine own self be true - if someone else has a problem with that get rid of them.
If you're concerned that your relationship may be unhealthy or abusive, I would encourage you to contact a local domestic violence organization, or student health/wellness on your campus. Some schools have peer advocacy programs that deal with relationship violence and sexual assault, and you may find accessing it helpful if you have one. The National Hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE, or TTY 1-800-787-3224. They can help you locate a local program or just be there to support you, day or night.
Violence does not have to be physical to be violence, and many survivors say that the emotional abuse was far worse than the bruises and broken bones. You have the right to be happy, healthy, and respected in your relationship. He does not have the right to control your behavior or manipulate your feelings.
Whether to stay or leave is YOUR DECISION. But talking to an advocate or counselor about what's going on may help you figure out what you want to do and how to do it safely, whatever you decide.
My thoughts are with you.
I dated a guy just like this, and I always told myself "but, he's not physically abusive.."
That worked until he gave me bruises and a concussion and tried to suffocate me all in the same night. So, just because he hasn't yet, doesn't mean he won't.
Get out while you can, before he hurts you. Be safe about it.
It's been said before...
Leave him. If you have any stuff at his house or apartment, take it with you. Do it while he's not looking. Or just consider it lost.
Remove all your connections to him - on social networking sites, and in real life.
Even if it is hard, really really really hard, and frightening, and sad and horrible in the short term, in a few months, and then in a year, and then in two years, you will be happier for getting out of this situation.
Like other commenters, and like yourself, I was in a relationship like this.
Leaving is hard. Just realize that he may very well try to manipulate you. My abuser also threatened to kill himself. He even got out his gun. I was afraid he would try to kill me. My abuser burned himself (but barely, guys like this are usually cowards - they don't hurt themselves, they hurt YOU!). My abuser controlled and demeaned me, isolated me from friends and family and co-workers, and then told me I must really be that pathetic to put up with it.
He needs you to be insecure, because HE is insecure. He probably wants your perceived weakness to make himself feel strong.
My abuser was never *that* physically violent (there were always excuses) until I left him. Then the shit hit the fan. It's not a bad idea to try to have someone around when you make it clear to him you don't want to see him anymore. If you need privacy to tell him, have a friend wait in the next room.
When I split with the guy, he started throwing glasses at me, pushed me into the broken glass, and hitting me. Later on, he came into my bedroom where I was sleeping, broke the door down, and started hitting me before I was even sitting up.
Nothing, nothing, nothing about you, nothing that you have or have not done in the relationship, is a reason for this guy to - threaten to kill himself - hurt himself - hurt you - verbally abuse or demean you. It's really really really important that you try to keep that in your head, especially in the moments that he may be doing or saying those things.
Bring mace with you. Make sure he knows you have it.
You only get this one life, and life is too short to suffer for someone else's problems.
That bit about the trust, and compliments, is as far as I know pretty standard behavior - abusers are master manipulators.
When you are over and gone and done with this, the months after can be very hard while you sort through the time spent in the relationship. I highly recommend finding a therapist, and also, try to do something really indulgently nice for yourself. You missed out on a study abroad trip. Emmersing yourself in the culture, history, of that country could be a really nice way to build yourself back up into the person you want to be. Hell, sometimes it's nice to change your hair color, buy some red lipstick and a new dress. Whatever sounds like good fun, that is healthy, do it and don't feel guilty.
Also, expressive therapy is wonderful. That means music, art, theater, whatever you might enjoy - doodling with crayons - anything - especially if you can do this with friends or family and a glass of nice wine - it's fun & all sorts of wonderful.
I didn't mean to type a novel but I am still recovering myself from a relationship like this that ended almost 2 years ago. I didn't have support from anyone, really, and I am damn well going to over-compensate for that for the rest of my life, probably. So if something I said doesn't apply to your specific situation, then just realize that I mean well, I'm assuming an awful lot from one paragraph.
That is an incredibly generous, informed & loving comment. I hope the OP takes it all in.
This is what you are experiencing.
See what phase you're at, tell you mother, your best friend, the warrior type friend in your life that you could use some help getting away from this abuse.
I wish you good mental/emotional health!
Brainwashing Techniques
1. Assault on identity
2. Guilt
3. Self-betrayal
4. Breaking point
5. Leniency
6. Compulsion to confess
7. Channeling of guilt
8. Releasing of guilt
9. Progress and harmony
10. Final confession and rebirth
• Assault on identity: You are not who you think you are.
This is a systematic attack on a target's sense of self (also called his identity or ego) and his core belief system. The agent denies everything that makes the target who he is: "You are not a soldier." "You are not a man." "You are not defending freedom." The target is under constant attack for days, weeks or months, to the point that he becomes exhausted, confused and disoriented. In this state, his beliefs seem less solid.
• Guilt: You are bad.
While the identity crisis is setting in, the agent is simultaneously creating an overwhelming sense of guilt in the target. He repeatedly and mercilessly attacks the subject for any "sin" the target has committed, large or small. He may criticize the target for everything from the "evilness" of his beliefs to the way he eats too slowly. The target begins to feel a general sense of shame, that everything he does is wrong.
• Self-betrayal: Agree with me that you are bad.
Once the subject is disoriented and drowning in guilt, the agent forces him (either with the threat of physical harm or of continuance of the mental attack) to denounce his family, friends and peers who share the same "wrong" belief system that he holds. This betrayal of his own beliefs and of people he feels a sense of loyalty to increases the shame and loss of identity the target is already experiencing.
• Breaking point: Who am I, where am I and what am I supposed to do?
With his identity in crisis, experiencing deep shame and having betrayed what he has always believed in, the target may undergo what in the lay community is referred to as a "nervous breakdown." In psychology, "nervous breakdown" is really just a collection of severe symptoms that can indicate any number of psychological disturbances. It may involve uncontrollable sobbing, deep depression and general disorientation. The target may have lost his grip on reality and have the feeling of being completely lost and alone.
When the target reaches his breaking point, his sense of self is pretty much up for grabs -- he has no clear understanding of who he is or what is happening to him. At this point, the agent sets up the temptation to convert to another belief system that will save the target from his misery.
• Leniency: I can help you.
With the target in a state of crisis, the agent offers some small kindness or reprieve from the abuse. He may offer the target a drink of water, or take a moment to ask the target what he misses about home. In a state of breakdown resulting from an endless psychological attack, the small kindness seems huge, and the target may experience a sense of relief and gratitude completely out of proportion to the offering, as if the agent has saved his life.
• Compulsion to confession: You can help yourself.
For the first time in the brainwashing process, the target is faced with the contrast between the guilt and pain of identity assault and the sudden relief of leniency. The target may feel a desire to reciprocate the kindness offered to him, and at this point, the agent may present the possibility of confession as a means to relieving guilt and pain.
• Channeling of guilt: This is why you're in pain.
After weeks or months of assault, confusion, breakdown and moments of leniency, the target's guilt has lost all meaning -- he's not sure what he has done wrong, he just knows he is wrong. This creates something of a blank slate that lets the agent fill in the blanks: He can attach that guilt, that sense of "wrongness," to whatever he wants. The agent attaches the target's guilt to the belief system the agent is trying to replace. The target comes to believe it is his belief system that is the cause of his shame. The contrast between old and new has been established: The old belief system is associated with psychological (and usually physical) agony; and the new belief system is associated with the possibility of escaping that agony.
• Releasing of guilt: It's not me; it's my beliefs.
The embattled target is relieved to learn there is an external cause of his wrongness, that it is not he himself that is inescapably bad -- this means he can escape his wrongness by escaping the wrong belief system. All he has to do is denounce the people and institutions associated with that belief system, and he won't be in pain anymore. The target has the power to release himself from wrongness by confessing to acts associated with his old belief system.