This is hard for me to post. There's a risk that the people involved with all see this, and I could get in a lot of trouble. But it's time for me to tell the story and come out about what happened.
***Trigger Warning***
- Names have been changed to keep people anonymous -
It was Valentine's Day, I had a protest that day. It had become a tradition, especially when the NYC guys were in town, to go party afterwards. I didn't go the month before, for reasons I can't really remember - I probably just didn't feel welcome, didn't have a ride, something like that. But in February my friend David talked to the host, I got a ride, and I was going.
We got to the party a little late since we went to dinner first. People had already been drinking; some seemed a little drunk already. Katie, who was dating the guy I liked at the time, went into the bathroom, and came out wearing a very glamorous dress. That's right, I thought, the Facebook event said to dress up. Fuck. There she was, with her red hair and giant boobs, looking absolutely stunning in her dress; and there I was, with my bad skin and imperfect body and dirty jeans and a Skelanimals shirt that probably had sweat stains, I was average at best. Feeling like shit about myself, I sat in a corner and watched the people around me play video games and slowly get hammered. I curled up under an end table at one point. Then Patrick came over. I opened up to him, about my insecurity. He assured me that I didn't need to look like her to be beautiful. Wow, I thought, what a nice guy.
I'd forgotten that the first thing he said when I arrived at the protest was "It's [my nickname], rape her!" The week before, at the NYC protest, he'd dry-humped me. I had no idea it would only get worse.
He stuck with me all night. He insisted on sitting me on his lap, he
wanted to put his arm around me, wanted to spoon on the floor, put his
hands all over me, groped me, and tried to kiss me. He wanted to get in
my pants, confessed to liking me. And I was afraid to say "no." People
laughed at his advances at the idea that he'd managed to get intimate
with me since he was so huge and I was so small. "Only in our group"
observed one guy, "would this happen." Katie even encouraged him. "Bite
her nipple!" she pushed, which I resisted. "Bite her vag!" she yelled,
to which he did succeed. He also did manage to kiss me, and it was
horrible. "Teach me," he suggested. No, every time we touched lips, it
was wet and gross and full of tongue.
Everyone put my
then-boyfriend down, especially Patrick. They said he was a bad
boyfriend for ignoring me and not being there on Valentine's Day.
Patrick was there, where was he? Katie kept taking pictures of us
together, which she planned on posting on the internet to mess with my
boyfriend. I felt like such a whore. I thought, shouldn't I be fighting
this? Is it cheating to let him do this to me?
He even slept
next to me. This I did consent to, but only because it was freezing and
we were lying on the floor, and I only had my jacket as a blanket. At
least there were others around.
The next morning, he was still
persistent. David pulled me aside and asked if Patrick was being
creepy. I was little surprised, I figured everyone saw it as a joke.
They were laughing, so I went along with it and played it off like it
was no big deal. When I said yes, he hesitated, and then said "tell
him."
I did. I finally told him not to touch me. For the rest of the day, he did talk to me, but stopped trying to get in my pants.
At first I did act like what happened was no real issue, that it didn't
bother me. Then, three months later, I had a delayed post-traumatic
reaction. I realized that what happened was assault. I was so upset.
Upset that it happened, upset that no one tried to stop him, upset that
to most people there it was just a joke, upset that Katie encouraged
him. Most of all, I was upset with myself for not stopping it sooner,
for letting it all happen. I felt like a slut. I called my new
boyfriend, who'd been a close friend before the incident and a loving
boyfriend since we'd gotten together. I was hoping comfort and
reassurance. I got no such thing. "That happened, what three months
ago?" "You didn't have a problem with it then, what changed?" "Just get
over it, it's not that big a deal." Was I really just overreacting?
I wanted to report the assault, I did. But after talking to my
boyfriend, I felt like it wasn't bad enough to warrant a report. And I
felt like I'd be betraying member of the group, what would everyone
else think? I had zero support, until last night.
David and I
were talking. Another guy wanted to know what happened, apparently he
hadn't heard any of the stories of him molesting girls in our group. It
wasn't just me, there were at least two others, and who knows what he
did in high school? The guy he was talking to said I should report it.
It was rape, he said. Well, I don't think it was, but it was sexual
assault. Suddenly these two guys, who were total assholes to me last
fall, were supporting me more than anyone else. David said that he'll
support me the whole way. I'm still a little scared to go to the
police, scared that my experience will be minimized, told it was no big
deal; that I'll be laughed at and turned away- or worse, blamed for
what happened. What if they don't believe me? I have no proof, the
pictures were deleted so I only have witnesses. And how will the others
react? Will they say I betrayed him, get angry that I turned against
one of our own?
Now I have a horrible memory I have to live with, and a hard decision to make.
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I'm sorry that I don't have any particularly useful insight or analysis or advice to give you right now. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only person who has been in a weird, fucked-up situation like this and that I really admire the bravery it took to write this post. I wish you nothing but luck in whatever you decide to do.
I also wish you the best. I know assault can come in the grey area a lot of the time, and it'd hard. Don't let other's put you down, you did NOTHING wrong, this guy seems like he was a creep. You are extremely brave for standing up against what is wrong. I can only hope to be as strong as you are.
I also wish you the best. I know assault can come in the grey area a lot of the time, and it'd hard. Don't let other's put you down, you did NOTHING wrong, this guy seems like he was a creep. You are extremely brave for standing up against what is wrong. I can only hope to be as strong as you are.
I hope this turns out well for you...
What really surprised me was the reaction of that Katie persona. Taking pictures to mess with your boyfriend? Encouraging him? This sounds horrible, it is even downplaying your assault while it happens. With those "friend" one doesn't need enemies.
Females screwing females over to get power from misogyny and patriarchy.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I wish I could do more to help. *Big hug*
As for reporting it, I would definitely encourage you to at least visit your local police station and talk to them about what happened. Unfortunately, the vigor with which sexual assault is prosecuted varies greatly from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. In my home town growing up, we used to have a district attorney who rarely prosecuted sexual assault cases. His challenger used that against him in the next election and ended up defeating him. This new DA was extremely aggressive about prosecuting sexual assault and ended up receiving some national awards for it. But unfortunately the enforcement is very inconsistent, as I said.
However, assuming the police in your jurisdiction aren't totally inept, they will not "minimize" it or "laugh" or (God forbid) blame you for what happened. If you did file a report and the officer did any of those things, then you should report the officer because that is totally unacceptable. Any officer who did anything like that deserves to be fired IMHO. He may tell you that there isn't enough evidence to pursue the case or that from past experience the DA is unlikely to file charges. But any decent law enforcement officer should know better than anyone how traumatic this is, and would almost certainly not attempt to minimize this.
If you do decide to report this, you already made an important first step by writing all of this down. Police and prosecutors tend to be more likely to take a story seriously if you have a written account of what happened (particularly if it was written close to the event in question) since they know that people's memories are fallible. If you can get David or one of your other friends to write a similar statement to corroborate your case, I think it could be prosecuted, assuming that the local DA does their job.
And for what it is worth, I am advocate of always reporting sexual assault/rape, assuming that you can handle it emotionally. I hate to be a cynic, but I'm not sure that men will stop committing these crimes until they start to see that 1) these are, in fact, crimes, and 2) committing them can get you sent to jail. If you don't want to deal with going to trial and so forth, I think there is a decent chance that the DA might agree to drop the charges or let him plea bargain to a lesser offense if he agrees to take some classes about sexual violence or something like that.
Finally, I just wanted to say that I find it incredibly impressive that you have the courage to write about this. It breaks my heart to think that your so-called "friends" would treat you this way or that you would put up only a half-hearted resistance because you were feeling so bad about yourself... Just to be clear, you absolutely did not deserve to have this happen to you, and I am not saying that it's your fault... I think our patriarchal culture tries to make women feel so bad about themselves that they are reluctant to resist or press charges when this sort of thing happens. I don't know you at all, obviously, but you seem to be a courageous person, an excellent writer, and someone who is willing to give her time and energy to help others. AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT! If your "friends" are telling you that this is no big deal or actually encouraging this slimeball to assault you, frankly, I think you deserve better friends than that. Please don't allow people to treat you that way, because you are a very impressive person who deserves much better.
I don't know if I'm going to actually pursue prosecution, not sure it's really worth the effort. He lives in another state, I'm busy as hell, and an actual court case against him might cause a lot of trouble for me. You don't know who I'm dealing with.
On one hand, I'm angry that this happened and I want justice. On the other hand, I feel really sorry for the guy, he's very lonely and he's been through a lot, pressing charges might push him over the edge.
Never, ever, ever let "feeling sorry for" a guy stop you from taking action. Too bad for him. No guy has the right to be an asshole no matter how pathetic he is. Period. As to whether or not he violated you: only you can decide this, and decide what to do about it. It's a separate question.
I wasn't going to read this story, "I don't need to read that on my Friday night." And then I realised - if I don't read, I'm just hiding from reality and leaving another person's story go unacknowledged to keep my emotional state in homeostasis.
So I read, and was shocked as I always am by stories like yours. How do people do these things and think it's acceptable? How do others watch and laugh and play along? And then how do people you love and trust dismiss you?
If you do report to the police, don't let any insensitivity get to you: have faith in yourself, because you know your story is true. Take the support of your true friends and kick the others to the curb if they don't change their attitude.
I wish you a speedy a recovery and the ability to come to some inner peace.
I should probably mention that that was, so far, the last time I went to one of those parties. I've been unable to go since then, due to work and other commitments. A part of me is afraid to go to again, even knowing the guy is banned from that guy's apartment and hasn't been to my city since that night. He and I have messaged each other a little now and then, after he apologized, but now that I've realized the severity of what happened, I think it's better to cut those ties.
I also dumped the guy who minimized the incident and told me to get over it. I'll resist the urge to go into all the reasons why he's a giant bag of dicks. He goes to those parties now, another reason why I'm afraid to go.
Ummm... From my point of view, the fact that this ex-boyfriend tried to minimize the assault already made him a "giant bag of dicks." No need to further justify that decision... (And it makes me worry a bit that you think you have to; the minute I read that I thought, "Ugh! I hope she dumped that loser!" but I didn't want to say that.)
Also, as I said in my earlier post, the fact that you report the incident does not mean that you are obligated to testify in court or anything like that or even press charges necessarily. There is a good chance that if you wanted, the local DA could either drop the charges or let him plead guilty to a lesser charge if he agreed to get therapy or attend courses about sexual violence or something like that. (Or even getting called and questioned by the police might be enough to help him realize the seriousness of the offense even if the DA never did anything with it.)
It's very commendable of you to be worried about his emotional state; I'm not sure I could be that understanding given the circumstances. But the bottom line is that the fact that he has emotional issues is not a justification for what he did, and if being prosecuted would "push him over the edge," he should have thought about that before he assaulted you. But as I said earlier, it sounds like even you think that in this case something like therapy or education about sexual violence might be more productive than jail, and my guess is that the DA would let you go that route if you wanted.
You should file a report with the police if you feel comfortable doing so, even if they don't investigate it with as much gusto as it deserves. This guy is a creep. Filing a report will mean the police have information on him, and if another woman comes forward with a similar experience, or worse, then they know he's done this crap before. It will be easier to prosecute him for any future crimes he may or may not commit.
You're very strong for writing about this, and it's sickening that you had to deal with that kind of treatment. The encouragement from the group makes it so much worse, because it seems like you should really feel safe in a situation like that. :( *tight hugs* Whatever you do, I wish the best for you.
sounds like he's just a horny drunk,
and his "buddy's" know it, best way is to have them handle it internaly
have them warn him about his behavior or have them rough him up a little if he continues
This will save you
a) Reputation loss of being a "snitch/dramaqueen"
b) Time loss of trial
c) and will probably help more in the long run
Hey, guess what? I'm a horny drunk, and somehow I manage not to assault anyone, or threaten to rape them. Just sayin.
In regards to your other points:
a) She is not being a drama queen by reporting her assault. Saying so is victim-blaming and is NOT OKAY.
b) Yes, a trial can and probably will be time consuming, but if she thinks that it's worth it than it isn't a waste of time.
c) Help who? Help his possible future victims, or help him continue to be a drunk creepy douchebag?
you know, I haven't even really considered his point of view. isn't it a little biased to just cry "assault" without thinking about other sides to the story?
There is no "other side" when it comes to assault. There is no good reason for what he put you through. No sob story will make you feel like you weren't assaulted, it will only confuse you more and, in my opinion, cause more problems for you. Someone who beats someone may have a his own point of view, but that does not negate the fact that he beat someone nor would it make the person who got beat up feel better. People do stupid and shitty things for all sorts of reasons, but that does not change how it made you feel or what it has done to you emotionally. This guy will NEVER see what he did as wrong if you try to give him a chance to validate himself.
And you are not "crying assault." You were assaulted in a situation where it was very difficult for you to do anything about it no matter how many people were there. Hell, sounds like those people were very much in on the assault themselves. Only you know what is best for you, but in my experience it does not matter what a person's reasons may be in this situation. He hurt you and no sob story can justify that.
Not so, there are at least two sides to every story. That's what my ex would always insist. I say I was assaulted, someone else might say I was a slut and now I just regret it. And I do have regrets, I regret not trying to stop him. Not that I'm sure I could have, the guy was four times my weight.
I mean some of the others later said he was being creepy, hence the ban, and the host apologized for letting it happen. Still, so far only one person who was there has advocated going to the police. I think most people would see it as a cold-hearted betrayal.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. What I'm saying is his side will never justify what he did to you. It's a shame that we women have to deal with the fact that if we report a rape or an assault we will more than likely get backlash with people calling us sluts and any name under the rainbow. Sometimes friends will just be assholes. I left all my friends in college because they were more willing to be asshats than listen to me and help me out. A friend is not someone who would let that happen to you and would never try to justify it. This is, of course, my opinion. You have to work through everything how you think is best. This does not mean you have to report it, but you should get some professional help to sort things out. Call an assault hot line or something.
Also, just because people will call you a slut or think you are a slut and just regret it does not make it true. You know that you did not want it and all that matters is what you think. The circumstances were not on your side. You were in a room filled with people who did not care about the seriousness of your situation and the guy was much bigger than you. You did what you could and what you had to to get through the night. Do not let those others tell you how you should feel about this. I can tell you from personal experience, do not let others dictate how you should feel. They are not friends and will only hurt you more in the end. If you feel assaulted then you were. If you feel otherwise, then you're that. But just because they may call you a slut and that you just regret it does not mean you feel that way or that is the way you are supposed to feel. I wish I could help you out more, but I have been there and finding new friends (or sticking with the friends who support you) will be better for you in the long run than dealing with their passive aggressive abuse.