This was well said/written. I know this piece wasn't "for" me, but I think it helped me understand intersectionality a little bit better. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

Being a social outcast for most of my life I've come at feminism in a similar way to you. I'm only a nerd though, not someone with a (long term) condition.

For much of my childhood and young adulthood I rejected large parts of the script (as you call it) because I felt that it was unfair to force people to act any way they didn't want to. As I got older though, I found I wanted to interact with the rest of society in a more meanigful way and that has meant learning and applying many social conventions.

The problem is, a large proportion of social conventions - the very same ones we need to interact with society in a positive way - are intertwined with social injustice. I do my best to analyse which conventions can be followed safely, how to modify them to suit me and to become part of the solution rather than the problem but it's not always easy.

So, I wondered, given that you are trying to learn more of the scipt, how do you go about deciding which parts of it are desirable? I'm interested in the logical processes you follow. For instance do you apply different rules in the company of different groups? Do you follow less of the script in feminist company for instance?

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experience...

This especially is really making me think back on old observations from a different angle, if that makes sense:

It's obvious how much of social interaction is based on misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism-- really, hatred and mockery of anyone at all different.

So thanks again.

On one hand, I'm sure a lot of us are thinking, "it would be so cool to grow up without the pressure of all of society's gender roles pushed on us!" On the other hand, it's gotta be tough, ya know? I feel like it's easier to reject these gender roles (in the typical feminist fashion) once we've lived with them. They can either guide us to become feminists who eventually learn to reject these roles, or anti-feminists who strongly internalize them.

This post made me think a lot about my twin sister. We're 17 and she has Asperger's. She's recently been trying to get into the activism/feminism scene on a personal level, since she sees that I am heavily involved in it. I still have a lot to think about, so I'll end my comment here. Thanks for posting!!

"It's how it works: people with privilege treat everyone else as their personal jokes."
Great way of putting it. Great article too. I have ADD and it definitely struck a chord for me.

I was just going to say that when I am around more progressive,anti-kyriarchal groups of people, there is almost no need for me to follow any particular script.The more progressive the group,the less need there is for me to give any room in the social interactions that are occuring to the oppressive norms of social conventions.

As someone who is non-neurotypical,and had/has a difficult time engaging socially, especially in light of my personal beliefs being so at odds with our mainstream culture, i have often sought out more progressive environments specifically to allow myself a broader range of groups to engage meaningfully with than in less sensitive environments.

You have a gift for wording things in a really interesting and insightful way. I really enjoyed this piece, and I hope you keep writing.

First off, thanks for the post Katemoore, I found it really thought provoking. I'm really interested in the idea of a 'script' for social interactions and I think that looking back on my own life I can see myself learning the script.

I'd like to offer an example that I think brings a little more optimism to the subject because, though it has serious problems, the script is constantly changing (both on a personal level and for society as a whole).

When I was in middle school the phrase 'that's gay' was a huge part of my classmates' vernacular. But by the time we were seniors in high school it had practically disappeared from their speech (I can only think of one individual who still used the phrase). This reflected a more powerful change in opinion- when asked, almost all of my classmates said they supported gay marriage rights, and I attended a small, rural, Catholic high school, not exactly a bastion of progressive thought. Though the school and their parents were using a script of homophobia, they changed their script to eliminate some of the problematic memes.

My experience as a social outcast (also as a nerd, not because of a condition) has been the exact polar opposite of Kendala's. Instead of seeing things from the outside, and coming to feminism as a result, I didn't come to feminism at all until later in life, because the script that you're talking about just didn't exist for me. I literally had no idea that there was a "way" that I was "supposed to be" as a woman, and that it actually mattered to other people whether I conformed to that script or not. Like katemoore and kandela, I didn't learn the script from friends, having none -- but I guess I was more cut off even than that, because I literally didn't learn that there even was a script until I was in my 20's. And I didn't care.

So with that lack of experience and understanding, and being an arrogant know-it-all (I work on it, but it's true), I believed for the longest, longest time in the strongest form of the individualist myth. That discrimination, if it existed at all, was always and solely a wrong committed by one person against another, with intention. I scoffed at ideas of structural racism and sexism; what is this "structure" of which you speak, and why should I care about it?

The last five years have been a difficult and eye-opening journey, to say the least. I'm still learning, but at least I don't think I know all the answers anymore.

It's how it works: people with privilege treat everyone else as their personal jokes.

Wow. I've never seen it put so succinctly. Thank you.

I don't have Asperger's but I did have a very similar difficulty in making friends and in social interaction, especially early in life. I know now that what I struggled with was called generalized anxiety disorder, but that term wasn't in existence when I was a kid.

When I did begin to come out of my shell in my teens, I was years behind most people my age and they didn't really know how to respond to me. Adolescence is a self-conscious age with everyone, so some viewed me as creepy when I simply didn't understand those unwritten rules that govern person to person contact. I learned them, though, the hard way.

And like you, I'd never tell an empowering story of how I conquered my illness forever. I take some effective medications and have found ways over the years both with trial and error and with therapy to push back against the lies that my brain tells me. I will never be the flaming extrovert that is expected of everyone in this society and there will be times when even the most modest of face to face interactions are daunting.

For far too long, mental illness has been stigmatized and those stigmas have served as a barrier to innovation. Robert Wood Johnson Foundation’s “Rethinking Mental Health” competition offers an opportunity for new ideas outside the traditional structures to emerge. I had a friend that chose to become one of the many webcam girls just to get by after. It was fairly disappointing to hear but it's hard to judge considering the situation.

Thank you for writing this Katemoore. As a fellow woman with Asperger Syndrome, I'm pleased that you spoke out.
I personally relish my "disability" it has given me many wonderful gifts and allowed me to wholly embrace neurodiversity.
Autism is a feminist issue in many ways. Many women on the spectrum are often left diagnosed because of an antiquated sexist viewpoint that sees AS and autism as primarily "male" mentalities (Thanks a lot, Prof. Baron-Cohen...) which leads to major depression and other problems for women left without a diagnosis. Also, Autism makes it difficult to retain employment (Only 6% of autistics are employed full time) and with poverty being largely feminized and disability-centered, we must work together to find ways to benefit women on the spectrum.
What I find most troubling about society's treatment of autistic women though, is that since we are unaware of certain social cues, it is very easy to be taken advantage of or exploited by neutotypical men.

Thanks for writing. It is so important for people to write about these things, especially this form of ableism since it's so rarly talked about. And people like me, who are privileged in a society that only values "non-disabled" people, would never realise how shitty things are for everyone around them who doesn't fit that tiny fucking mold.

And I hope no one yells at you either, I don't see any reason as to why anyone on here would.

Great post, Katemoore. I've done some thinking about how intersectionality comes into play within anti-oppression discourse itself, where people are often penalized heavily for social mistakes and assumed to be acting in bad faith if they break social rules. I am concerned that excessive condemnation of people who inadvertently derail, don't understand other people's perspectives, or simply aren't aware of what is and isn't appropriate behavior in anti-oppression contexts, can result in anti-oppression contexts perpetrating systemic oppression against people with autism spectrum disorders.

As I said in a critique of Derailing for Dummies on a friend's blog, "if you don't know something, you break the rules. And then if you ask questions about it once you learn that you don't know it, you break the rules again. And if you proceed to explain why you have difficulty understanding and following the rules, you break the rules a third time.

Basically, you can't win, or even be acceptable or regarded as acting in good faith, unless you already know your shit."

I realize that people who derail and the like cause major problems in anti-oppression discourse, but some discernment in judging when people are acting in bad faith is necessary to avoid oppressing autistic people.

Thank you so much for writing this.

Asperger's is pretty much a crash course in anthropology, isn't it? Trying to ascertain why people do what they do and attempting to behave accordingly is so frakkin' exhausting!

Your post is wonderfully written and very much appreciated.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/apr/12/autism-aspergers-girls

I just remembered that article and thought it would go nicely with my earlier point. Katemoore (Or any other women on the spectrum posting here) if you would like to guest-post at my blog, http://bluestockingbutterfly.blogspot.com/

email me at Leahfirebird(at)gmail(dot)com I am always eager to sponsor differing opinions from autistic spectrum individuals.

"It's walking around town and seeing tens of thousands of people and knowing that, deep down, you're not like them at all, could never relate to them, and none of it was your choice."

Thank you for writing this. I have Asperger's, and most days I feel at least one step removed from everyone around me. Having said that, I really wouldn't go so far as to say that I can't relate to anyone else, but it is a relief to read a description of an experience that is similar to my own.

I never got the gender role script either, and I've given up waiting for it.

I know how you feel. I suffer from hyperlexia, which is on the same mental spectrum as Asperger's Syndrome. It's probably because of this I don't have a traditional notion of masculinity. I never saw the point of competitive sports, and I enjoy feminine products to the point where my friends think I'm a transvestite.

I feel your pain.

I have OCD and I have felt very removed from people for much of my life. I never had many friends and often feel very stunted in social growth now. It helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I also feel very similar in the fact that since I wasn't around a lot of people I grew up without much of a gender script so to say and I often find that it is much easier to step back and think about issues when you don't have a lot of the disruption of social life to cloud your vision. However, I don't feel like this is the 'price' I have to pay to think about important issues...

Thank you for opening up such an important dialogue.

Your description of your experience with Asperger's hit me like a ton of bricks. I was originally diagnosed as Autistic, and spent years in Special Education, even though I was later able to learn math 2 years above my grade through middle and high school, AP physics and calculus in high school. Of course the problem of throwing any kid with a problem in Special Education and calling it a day is another discussion entirely.

I'm trying to be more social, especially now that I'm at a new school. I don't offend people very often from simply missing social cues, but I still struggle try get myself out there socially. Often the only real motivation I have for interacting with others is that may plans for social development might fail.

I would feel arrogant trying to say I am immune to socialization, but ultimately I've experienced very little peer pressure, and was never indoctrinated in "guy" culture.

Aspergers needed http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/2988647.stm