This is my first time posting on the community, but I wanted some input from feminists on something that happened at work last night. I want to put in as many details as possible because I'm not sure what my main problem is, and I want to open it for discussion to kind of get to the root of it. I also don't know how to do a jump, so I'm sorry if I'm cluttering up your community page.
Some background on myself and my beliefs: I'm a feminist, I have been calling myself one since I was a child. I also am sensitive with that men with no experience with feminism or limited ability to bond with women and believe that they need to be treated with forgiveness, but that a clear message needs to be sent about unacceptable behavior and the humanity and equality of women. I have strong beliefs about sexual harassment in the workplace and believe that every woman has the right to speak up about if she chooses to without reprecussions.
I'm a college student who works in a restaurant twice a week in NYC, which is stressful enough, but last night something happened at work that makes me unsure about what to do. Some food was taking a long time when we were totally empty, so I went to the kitchen to ask how it was coming along. Before I could ask anything, a cook put his hand in my apron (the middle pocket, right over my pubic area) and wiggled his fingers around and felt the cash somebody had paid their bill with, then joked to the other cook "she's got a lot of money in there! she works hard!" making fun of me, not praising me. Then he pulled on my apron. So I yelled at him and said "No. You can never touch me." And he walked away from me so I continued "I'm not joking, this is not funny. Do not touch me, ever."
I turned around and apparently my manager had walked up behind me and asked me what was wrong. At first I thought that I had handled it, but I realized that in order to get him to back up, I would have to make a cover story and I wasn't going to lie to save the ass of someone who had just violated me, so we went out of the kitchen I told him exactly what happened. My manager told me that he would "take care of it" whatever that means and he went back into the kitchen. He comes out no more than 2 minutes later and tells me not to go into the kitchen when there are bussers and runners on shift. This is not normal. When doing training at the restaurant, I was told by all of the managers and the kitchen staff to go to the kitchen everytime the bell rings.
So I thought about it for a minute and decided to clarify with my manager whether or not I was told this because of what I had told him happened. He said it had nothing at all to do with that and that we were never supposed to go into the kitchen, maybe I just haven't worked enough night shifts where we have food runners. Which is entirely untrue, but I didn't say anything, I just went straight to his boss, the head chef.
I told the head chef what happened and he called the manager down to speak with him while I went back out to take care of my tables. Then my manager calls me into his office to talk. He tells me that the not going into the kitchen and what had happened had nothing to do with each other and kept going on and on about it eventually saying that it is a negative and "stupid mentality" to say that. At which point I said "now you're calling me stupid." Which, in retrospect was probably not the best thing to say. He took that as evidence of my negativity because he didn't actually say that I was stupid, just that it was a stupid mentality to be so negative.
While being reprimanded for my negativity, the sous chef who is in charge of the team in the kitchen comes into the office and just stands there listening and looking at me. At which point, my manager turn to him and says "even he'll tell you that you're not supposed to go into the kitchen when there are runners." This raised my eyebrows, because if anything, the kitchen staff thinks we take way too long to pick up the food in the kitchen. He looked uncomfortable and mumbled something, but apparently the real reason he came in was to tell me that if there was something wrong in the kitchen, I need to come to him, which is confusing, because he was not in the kitchen when this happened. I started really feeling like I was being reprimanded and I just started crying. I wished the whole thing had never happened, but knowing that it did, I felt that it was my responsibility not to back down, especially as a feminist and my strong idealogical stance on these issues.
At this point the head chef/bossman comes in and says that we (meaning myself, himself, the manager and the cook who violated me) were going to sit down and talk. He demanded an apology from the cook. At this point I said that I fully accepted his apology and I understand that he was reprimanded and that I had resolved that issue. The chef went on to reprimand him further saying that they have signs posted in both english and spanish about harassment and that it will not be tolerated, anybody who violates that would be fired (but of course, the person who violated it wasn't fired).
I made a point of saying that I was not interested in having the cook being fired, that I was upset about being told not to go into the kitchen, because I can't do my job without going into the kitchen, and singled out my manager as the person who told me that. The head chef then went and said that they had nothing to do with each other again. At which point my manager starts talking about how much work he does for me and how on my side he is. I tried to reaffirm that I appreciate what he does and I in no way mean to imply that he doesn't help when I work, but it's just hard to believe that the two are unrelated. He started saying something about how "maybe [I'm] just having an emotional day." I can hardly explain how insulted I felt by the whole thing. I said that all I wanted to do was go back to work. They told me to wash my face and take a minute and I went back to work.
I didn't go into the kitchen and shock of all shocks, the food came out less than ideally. It was obvious that they weren't sabotaging me, but they were ringing the bell 15 times before the runner picked it up, but ultimately, work was pretty smooth after that. I spoke with the other servers, who happened to be women last night, and they agreed with me that it wouldn't make any sense for us not to go into the kitchen. Two servers told me that the same cook had been innappropriate with them and that they were happy I said something.
I'm left still feeling pretty insulted. I don't know if I should leave my job or not. I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself even though I was scared, and not just quitting without having processed it yet.
Any thoughts? Not necessarily about what to do, but about how to figure out what to do?
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This happens all too often in restaurants. I feel a bit uncomfortable telling you what to do, since the ultimate decision is your own, but if it were me I'd try to find work someplace else. If you complain enough, they'll try to make work for you so unpleasant that you'll be forced to leave. I wish it wasn't this way, but sometimes it is.
wow, you sound amazing. I don't think you could have handled it better. I'm not familiar with the duties of serving and whether or not its necessary to go into the kitchen, but it sounds like you handled it to near perfection and they botched it up. So I agree with Kevin above...if you can, try to find alternative work and then leave. The other alternative I see is really having a good discussion with a manager about it so that you can feel good about continuing to work there. I would personally have a hard time putting this situation behind me without some more closure.
I'm really impressed with how you handled things. Personally, I would have been shaking and probably would have just quit in a rage, without any notice whatsoever. Then I would have been without a job. If you're strong enough to have stood up for yourself like that, you have nerves of steel. Hope the incidents go away and you can just do your job, which is after all what you are paid to do, not to provide entertainment for the cooking staff or anyone else.
I think you did a superb job handling things the way you did. You stood your ground, and still did it in a diplomatic way. I probably would have been so pissed that I would have handled it a bit destructively. It really angers me that sexual harassers get away with this crap. They should be fired on the spot. That would be discipline, and it would be long overdue.
Yeah, definite props for how you managed it. As for leaving your job, if this is the first time something like this has happened, I wouldn't suggest it. The fact you've stood up for yourself may well help mitigate how much of an issue this is- if this cook has done it before, but this is the first time he's been reprimanded, he might be less handsy with others.
At the least, you've likely created a protective bubble around you, where anyone who feels like being a cretin is more likely to do it to somebody else; you'd lose that going to a different job. It may not feel good thinking that you've just shifted the burden elsewhere, but in the end you have to watch out for yourself, and if you see that standing up for yourself has had a positive effect for you, then you can use that to help other women later by having a real-life anecdote to show them why they're better off not backing down in such cases.
Also, as much as I hate to say it, the support you get from the people in charge of another establishment could be significantly worse than what it sounds like you got here, imperfect as it was. Definitely stick around a bit and see how it goes before deciding to move on.