I tend to think about gendered social expectations a lot. For one thing, I'm raising a couple of girls here, and for another thing, I tend not to conform to some of the expectations, and have gotten my share of shit from well-meaning friends and family as well as complete strangers. I used to be sort of bewildered by this. Why on earth would a complete stranger be so invested in how I perform gender? So I've written before on the topics of owning your physical space and changing your speech patterns in order to stop apologizing and verbally deferring to men so often. But over the last few weeks I've been thinking about another way in which women and men are socialized (and judged) differently.
I am not a naturally friendly person. I'm just not, and at this point in my life I think I can stop being in denial about it or subconsciously feeling guilty about it. Some people have a natural propensity to be friendly, and others don't. And not being naturally friendly doesn't reflect on your character or moral worth at all. There's no universal obligation to be friendly. And many men are unabashedly unfriendly and downright prickly, but people don't tend to judge them or guilt them about it. But women who aren't naturally friendly are frequently judged. Think about how many male authors there are who are notoriously reclusive, and abrasive and irritable when they do come into contact with others. This is generally thought to be a charming eccentricity. Now think about all the things that are said about Annie Proulx's personality. Why does she have an obligation to be warm and empathetic and put others at ease, when her male counterparts don't?
And it's not as if I'm rude or lacking in empathy or cold or anything like that. I just despise making small talk. And I often have a hard time discovering the things I might have in common with a stranger. I'm often lost in thought, or focused on my kid, or just want to read my book or magazine and listen to my music until the flight is over for crying out loud. And if I'm really honest, the effort involved in making a connection with a stranger I'll probably never see again and most likely don't have anything in common with often doesn't seem worth it to me. Does that mean I think the individual person is not worthwhile? Not at all. In general I tend to like people and expect good things out of them. Does it mean I think they're beneath me? Of course not. And I'm generally thought to be very friendly when I'm with people I already know, and I can make small talk and smooth over awkward situations if I have to. I just find it tedious and mind-numbing and tiresome to have to do it.
But this is something I've avoided admitting to myself for years, and I think this has a lot to do with gendered expectations. It's yet another way that I "fail" at femininity. And I'm fine with this "failure," since meeting the ridiculous expectations established by our cultural construction of the feminine is not a project I perceive of as being worthwhile. But still, it's just one more pressure that nags at the back of your mind, and one more way you know you're probably being judged, and one more thing that offers some friction as you move through the world. And I could do with a little less friction these days.
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Every region of the country, I find, has a particularly different cultural expectation regarding interpersonal conduct. Different norms apply to different genders.
I grew up in the South, where I was expected to be friendly to strangers, expected to repress speaking bluntly and directly how I really felt about anyone in public (until their back was turned, of course), and expected to be far more stereotypically masculine than I ever could be or wished to be. The ultra-feminine Southern Belle model that emphasized looks over brains I found even more appalling and constraining. In it, women had to conceal seeming overtly intelligent but still managed to make insights known in more subtle ways.
That's the great irony. We're all individuals to some extent but that individualism must be tempered by cultural expectations and mores.
This is a good point. I've lived on the East Coast my whole life, and a friend of mine came from Oklahoma to New Jersey to go to my same undergrad university. She spent an entire year in culture shock over the differences in how everyday social interactions went. It was unusual to exchange more than a basic hello with a store clerk during checkout, for example. This lack of interaction made her feel unwelcome, while it made me more comfortable because I didn't want to put forth the effort right then- I'm not outgoing, and I prefer to use my energy to form close relationships with a small number of people.
Of course, even in each region the gender differences Rachel mentioned are still there. I got a lot of crap about my attitude in high school, and I think that was definitely because I wasn't "doing" gender appropriately. Luckily I have enough privilege in other areas (race, class, intelligence, profession) that I can get away with staying in my comfort zone without severe sanctions. Most of the time.
One thing that drives me nuts is that if my son is with me, the expectations of my friendliness are ramped way up. Because of course I want to talk to you, random stranger, about the grandfather-in-law who died before I was born whose genes led to my son's hair color.
I completely understand!!
"And not being naturally friendly doesn't reflect on your character or moral worth at all."
Exactly.
I am not naturally friendly ALL THE TIME, sometimes if I'm in the mood. But I am now trying to react how a guy would where a woman would be "nice and sweet" just to get it clear I'm not some submissive ignorant chick who bows down to all man's needs.
I tend to react to someone the way they react to me, if they are warm, I am warm, if they are bitchy, I am bitchy.
It's definitely an issue when dealing with people, both men and women.
To a woman:
"Hey! I like your shirt."
Me "Thanks."
(expecting a comment back)
"...I just loveeee that brand. Can you pick up my pencil?"
Me "No. (Not my responsibility nor am I you're slave attitutude.)
I dont know how to make a good example, but I hate it when girls act superior to me but crackin a compliment to soften me up then ask me to do stuff for them.
To a guy:
Walking out of a building, a guy doesn't give me room to continue the flow of a crowd. He bumps into me, and looks right at me expecting "Oh he he he I'm sorryyy" and to scoot away in my geisha dress.
Instead I'd go "Excuse YOU."
:)
Tinnie: spot on!! This is exactly how I act! I am a firm believer in do unto others as they do to you, I guess!
Someone is rude.....or expects to act within gender norms (ie: defer to male, apologize when they are at fault, etc, etc, etc,...) I do the exact opposite!
And I am now considered "more rude" for acting in the exact same ways that many men do. But...I have never flet more myself, at last.
And I have never felt happier!
it's actually do unto others *as you would have them* do unto you...
and just to add my two cents, i think it's really important to be kind and respectful (not overly friendly) no matter what gender one is. i don't feel good about adding more negative energy into this world.
I have actually been *told* I "acted like a man" because I was not being deferential. And I know, it's irritating; most especially because women's friendliness is not only expected, even practically compulsory, but also gets used *against us* as some type of "come-on" (as in, "she was being friendly, she was flirting with me"). The upshot is that there's a perpetual expectation of women that we be available and compliant at all times, like the personal slaves of the patriarchy. Ergo, we have no right to our personal space, and no right to deny ourselves to others. It's like being a Stepford wife ad vitam eternam.
I think this is a regional thing as well. I live in a liberal part of the Southwest. Men and women are both pretty friendly and it's not uncommon to make small talk with strangers or clerks. I've been told it makes some people from the Northeast uncomfortable and complain about people here being fair-weather friends, which I can see being as a fair criticism. People here make quick friends with others at bars or parties or coffee houses and then you may not see them again for months and won't acknowledge you beyond a quick "hello" in passing. If you aren't from here I could see how it would be difficult to differentiate between those who are just being friendly and those who have a genuine interest in being a close friend. Although others like the change of pace, the general openness of the people, and being able to talk to pretty much anyone without it being taboo.
I think a lot of people here, where I live, have pressure to be open and friendly with strangers. I don't know if as a female I feel a disproportionate amount of pressure to be friendly. But I do get, especially from men, that "you should smile more often" comment. I don't think, even in a friendly area, men get this comment very often. Smiling has been discussed on this board before as a something associated with femininity and something girls should do to seem approachable because if you aren't smiling you might be a bitch or depressed. I mean, really, who smiles all the time?