I always thought of myself as a strong individual. I am politically active "youngster" who has really taken life into her own hands, and I am proud of the women I am developing into. What I am not proud of is the anger I sometimes feel towards my gender. I stumbled upon the realization yesterday evening when I was walking to my car from a lovely evening with new friends and beautiful art. As I walked the ten minute walk to the parking garage, I began to evaluate my surroundings; Are there any men around? Am I completely alone on this street? Are there police around if something were to happen? If I did get attacked would my scream be heard and could I be saved?? After I asked myself those questions (something I routinely do when I'm walking alone at evening) I began to realize how angry it made me that I had to ask myself those questions! Initially, I felt resentment to myself for being weak enough to feel that but in reality I'm not being weak but realistic!
To say that violence against women is all too common would probably be the understatement of the year. However, this violence is doing more then just physical damage. The fact that I am able to get raped makes me ( I hate to say it) hate being a women. Not only are these men physically breaking women, but they're break our spirit as well. As a budding feminist I feel terrible for the indignation I feel against my vagina but I just can't help it! The stories of the rapes and murders making me so frightened. What I'd like to say is we need to rise up against rape! Lets fight it! And I know people are fighting it, there are so many brilliant anti-violence campaigns out there. I mean hey, I've take RAD. And yet, I can't even imagine a time when I will feel safe walking on a street in the evening with out my car keys as a weapon at the ready. Am I being cynical? Am I being close minded? I'm just not sure.
The one thing that I can be sure of is that, while this fear of rape is going to constantly present itself, I'm not going to let it stop me. Granted, my keys might be at the ready to poke any attackers eye out but I am still going to that dance concert! I am still going out with my friends! While violence against women has instilled fear in me, I'm going to try as hard as I can not to let it keep me down.
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It's good that violence against women makes you angry. It should. What's important is to turn your anger in the right direction. Remember that just because our bodies are certain way does not mean that we must be raped, any more than it means that men must commit rape. Rape is not a consequence of some inferiority of a woman's body, it is a consequence of violent men who choose to commit rape. If you would like to be angry about violence, be angry toward the perpetrators of that violence.
As an only boy growing up with 3 sisters ( one older, two younger ), I was acutely aware that the world was far more dangerous for my sisters than it was for me...
If my sisters went to a concert or dance and were supposed to be home by midnight, my parents would call the police if they weren't home by 1am. While I could show up the next day at noon, and my parents would just ask me if I had a good time. There was always the assumption that because I was a male, I could take care of myself.
Personally, I think that some of my parents caution was justified, as neither of my younger sisters could handle alcohol. Two glasses of wine and they were completely blitzed. I remember a few times when I went to drive my sisters home after a high-school dance, and neither of them could stand upright. They would be puking out the window during the drive home, then I would sneak them past my parents bedroom, and next day my sisters would pretend to have the flu. My Dad would have freaked out if he ever knew what was really going on.
Today I live in a big city ( Toronto, Ontario ) and I still have that feeling that because I'm a male I can pretty much wander the city until any hour of the night, and not be too concerned about my own safety. I am keenly aware that the experience is completely different for my female friends, who have to think about personal safety when ever they go out at night, especially when they go out alone.
Yes, the whole situation sucks for women, but it sucks a little bit for men too. I am very cautious about walking behind or approaching any solitary woman at night. I worry that I might freak her out, so I do my best to avoid any contact at all. It's stupid, but I'm not sure what else I can do.
...I remember one night walking home from the grocery store at about 11pm. It's a 4 block walk to my apartment and the street is not very well lit. About 100 feet ahead of me, I could see a young woman struggling to carry home her groceries and a 20 lb bag of kitty litter. She would walk about 100 feet, and then rest for a moment, because her wrist was sore. We were the only people on the street at the time. I really wanted to offer some help, but I thought that approaching her on this poorly might frighten her, so I crossed the road and walked home on the opposite side of the street. I felt pretty shitty about doing this ( and I hoped that she made it home ok ), but I felt clueless about what I should have done.
Although your sisters are more likely to be sexually assaulted but mortality for women is greater at all points of life. There are more deaths among young men and teenage boys than young women and teenage girls associated with "at-risk" behavior such as, but not limited to, drinking and driving, violence, and drugs. This is probably due to socialization and young men in low income areas are disproportionately affected by homicide among youth. Young men are also sent to fight in wars at higher rates than young women. So it's not as if the world is safe for you just because you are a man. Statistically, you are more likely to die than your sisters at a young age even if the number of people who die prematurely is relatively low.
Eugene EDIT: The second to last sentence of my previous post should have read as:
"but I thought that approaching her on this poorly lit street might frighten her"
To Eugene: After writing this blog I began to think more on the affect rape has on men. I know so many great guys who would never hurt a women, and yet they can't walk down the street alone at night without someone thinking they're up to something. I really appreciate your comment, I'm glad you brought that perspective to light.
Although most rapists are men, men are more likely to be rape victims than rapists. Being treated with suspicion isn't the primary way rape hurts men; being raped is the primary way rape hurts men.
The conditioning goes both ways. Guys are actually at increased likelihood not only of being murdered/assaulted but also increased likelihood for it to be committed by a stranger. But conditioning likely causes an underestimation of this risk.
I was exposed to a conditioning which makes me run through a similar mental checklist but not so much to be scared of walking alone at night, but to be able to protect those I'm walking with.
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The fact that I am able to get raped makes me ( I hate to say it) hate being a women.
This is pretty sad to hear, but you really needn't feel that way. While women are the majority of rape victims, they aren't all of them, and being a man (or third, fourth, fifth options) wouldn't make you unrapable. Murders are different still, with most murder victims being men (for reasons I don't get at all, murders in the States are more gendered than those here in Canada, but 70% of murder victims and 80% of murderers here are men, and it's more like 80% and 90% in the States.) Facing violence from strangers is mostly a male problem.
While it's righteous to be indignant about violence (of all kinds), you shouldn't blame your gender for putting you at risk. It changes your risks somewhat, but it isn't responsible for them.