considering what you've been through (a terrible ordeal that lasted quite a long time) and the fact that it's happened during your formative years of dating, it's sadly not surprising that you're having trouble. after all, not much time has passed. don't be so hard on yourself, and don't try to get through all of this alone. if you are not getting counseling of some kind, i suggest doing so, so that you can get to the bottom of your feelings about your ex, come to terms with what happened and move forward in a direction that is best suited for you.

...but I don't think he was able to control himself & it continued to occur...

He would never hit me in the face...

I also think they might not believe me because he appears to other people to be very mild mannered...

He only hit you, and he only hit you where he chose to hit you. He could control himself enough to stay inside those parameters. Which means control is not the issue here. If he couldn't control himself, he'd be beating up everyone, and everyone would think he was a violent douchebag.

From your post, it sounds like you're currently a college student. Colleges usually provide counseling to students. Find out what options are available to you through the student health center or, if your school has one, through the women's center. Don't put this off.

Also, I think that as you heal with the help of a therapist, get older, experience new people, and face more challenges in life, high school relationships will seem less significant than they do now at your age. I think people get really attached to their first relationship because it's the first time they've felt all those strong feelings that come with being part of a couple. High school and the teenage years can be really intense emotionally. As you heal and rebuild your self-esteem, then you'll be able to think about new relationships and decide what sort of things you want out of them. I wouldn't force yourself into dating before you've taken the time to work with a therapist.

Wow, the above two comments made two of the three points I was going to make. I'll restate them, though:

1. He's very much in control of what he does. That he's only focusing on you and doing it in such a way that won't get him into trouble or questioned because of visible bruises meant he was making a conscious decision about exactly where to hit you and how hard. Do you really want to be with someone who made it a point to think about exactly where he could hit you without getting into trouble? Also, from what you've said, he's a manipulator. Threatening to kill himself if you left him is 100% manipulation. It doesn't mean he loves you so much that he can't live without you. I means that he disrespects you enough that he'll toy with your compassion and love to get what he wants. Do you want to be with someone who uses your positive attributes like a weapon to hurt you and get what he wants?

2. Get therapy. It can help you answer the above questions.

And the new one:

3. You're 20. You don't need to be in a relationship with anyone but yourself right now. Learn how to fall in love with yourself. Being lonely sucks at times, I know. But by being with yourself and finding ways to love the little things about YOU, you'll be less tolerant when someone treats you shabbily. Don't worry about dating and finding the ONE for the rest of your life. YOU are the one who's going to be there for you the rest of your life. Focus on that relationship. That way, you'll be better able to recognize the person who treats you the way you should be treated, because you're already treating yourself that way.

First I'd like to congratulate you on surviving abuse.
"About 10 months ago I broke up with him, "

Now, onto thriving
"but I am unable to get over him."

I strongly suggest a good therapist. A good therapist will work with your insurance or have a sliding scale so that you can afford the therapy sessions. A good therapist will help you use the tools you have for coping in a healthy way. A good therapist is like a coach, bringing out the survivor and thriver in you, while allowing you to have compassion for your self and what you experienced. A good therapist helps you not only understand what happened, how and why, but also
what you can learn from it as you move on.
You may have to shop around a lil to find the best therapist for you, you may find one right away. It's worth the time and energy investment.
Good Luck!
and
Congrats on surviving, and enjoy your thriving!

Everyone so far has made really good points, especially about how he (and other abusers, for that matter) are more in control of what they do than they like to let on.

I'm glad you broke it off with him. See if your campus offers counseling, and surround yourself with friends when you can. A support systems is always good to have.

While I've never been in a relationship that was physically abusive, I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I think I know a little what you're feeling right now. Like you, I was the one who broke it off (after four long years) and, like you, it took a long, long time to, as you put it, "stop loving him." This is what helped me, so I'll tell you what I did and maybe it will help you.

You're worried that you'll never be able to love again. So was I. So I simply stopped looking for love. I decided that "love" was going to become decidedly low on my priority list until I could figure out what *I* wanted. I was going to do everything I had always wanted to do - and dammit, I was going to do it alone. It was wonderfully liberating. It was then I realized that the downfall off my past relationship wasn't my fault. (Ahem; not *entirely* my fault anyway.) I noticed you using language like, "...he just couldn't control himself." Though I may be arguing grammar, that, right there, is an excuse. It excuses him from taking responsibility for an action that HE did - not you. It was HIS fault he hit you and abused you. Not some mysterious third-party ghost. (And certainly not your fault.) HIS fault.

My advice would be to stop dating. Stop trying to "find love." Because there is more to life than love - so much more. Find yourself. Do everything you've always wanted to do, but for some reason never did. And, I know this will be hard, but try and open up to your friends. Not all at once, maybe pick your closest, most understanding friend, but letting it all out I think will help. And you might be surprised what your friends do and do not believe.

You took the hardest first step, which was leaving him, and for that you should be congratulated on. Hell, you should congratulate yourself for that every day. And after you wake up, stand in front of the mirror, congratulate yourself, go out and do something for you - just you. It's a lot of fun.

I second a lot that's already been said. But there's one thing I want to add:

THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN DATING/BOYFRIENDS!

Quit caring. You need to look after yourself. Therapy can help, and friends. Engage in useful/meaningful activities.

You have been in an abusive relationship. You are not required to date.

And there's one more thing: Getting over a relationship takes time. Even when you've taken the decision. You were attached to a person, and now not anymore. That hurts. It will hurt less in the future.

You're on your way to getting over him and stopping loving him.

After leaving two abusive relationships, I vowed to learn to love myself. I took a year off from dating to learn to date myself.

Therapy can help, and the college setting is a great place to start counseling. Use the resources there.

It's common to worry that you'll never love again.

What I found is that when I stopped looking for love in others to nourish love in and for myself, then I didn't have to worry about finding love. Love found me.

Best wishes on your journey to loving you.

As someone who got out of a position similar to yours (he was my first high school boyfriend and we dated for years and he cheated, lied, manipulated, verbally and emotionally abused and threatened me and physically was abusive at times) I have to say that it took a lot of time. When I started dating it just felt wrong also so I stopped that for a while. I now feel I am ready to date when I meet someone I think is a really great person but it took a long time and sadly a lot of break ups and then getting back together because I believed he could change or was a good person underneath it all. I went to counseling and that helped a bit. I focused on relationships with my friends and family. I focused on my goals. I found that keeping myself pretty busy but with enough down time to also relax and have fun was important. I even found that eating healthy and modest exercise helped (oddly enough). I faced the reality and let go of the hope that he was going to change. I realized that not only do I want someone who will love and treat me good but I want someone I can respect and admire and with the way he treated me there is no way I can feel that way about him. I also learned to look at how things honestly were. I had a tendency to remember all the good things and even make them better than what they were. I learned instead to focus on how horrible he often made me feel and all of his worst attributes (boy there were a lot to choose from!). I also got more realistic about the future. For instance I still occasionally find myself lonely and with no new bf to do things with and friends who are busy or not interested in doing a certain activity and for a minute I will imagine him and I doing it together and having great fun. Now I stop myself, though, because I know that the idealized way I picture us doing an activity is less likely than the reality that we would go to the activity and bicker or get in a big argument or that he would be late or that he would stand me up or that he would start texting back and forth to some other girl in the middle of it. (and if it didn't happen during that activity it would happen further down the road) I think these early intense relationships make it hard when you are still emotionally stuck in them to see them for just how bad they are and how wrong what the guy is doing is. I made excuses and minimized and lost touch with what healthy relationships look like after a while and didn't even realize it. I also found that seeing things in a nuanced way helped. I had this image of abusers being evil in my head and I still don't think my ex is all bad. I got caught up in that dichotomy and missed the point, which was that he has a lot of bad traits that made him a bad boyfriend and that is all that matters. I learned to recognize that much of what he said and did was done to manipulate me and that he lacks the level of empathy and respect that most people have and is immature and dishonest. I realized that with him I can't have a healthy relationship and that is not going to change and that is all I needed to know. I didn't have to think of him in my head as "evil" I just had to recognize that he is in control of his actions, he is not good for me and that I am a happier person (though it took a while, almost like kicking an addiction) when I am not involved with him. It does get better and easier. If you are like me then leaving him and eventually moving on in every way will make you feel strong and healthy even though you don't feel that way now. I was bonded so closely with him at one time that I felt like we were one person. After we broke up I had to keep reminding myself that I am still here. I am a whole person. I had to focus on myself and loving myself instead of trying to fix the relationship and loving him. I had to change the image in my head that I had created when things were good with him that had us being a great romance and him being my "one true love" and us loving each other till we died. I had to give myself love instead of looking for it in a man. I do recommend a good counselor and it will take time to heal. I don't know if you will have trouble with trusting a new bf in the future or instead just be more aware of signs of control and manipulation so that you can get out sooner but though things now may even seem tougher than when you were with the abusive ex they will eventually get easier and happier.
As for the comment about your friends, many abusers are very charming people that nobody would expect of abuse. My ex was always the generous helpful funny and charming guy and most people thought he was Mr. Wonderful. I find that talking to one of my friends that was in a similar situation was helpful but that I wish I had not told some of my other friends because I told them before I was ready to leave the relationship and when I went back to him it angered them and a couple turned their backs on me. So, as far as friends go, use your best judgement. It might be empowering to get the "truth" about what you experienced out there or you may not be ready to do that or they may not be the right people to tell. (I would hope, of course, since they are your friends that they would be). They can be supportive and a comfort and might surprise you with their response or may not be supportive or understand. That is why a counselor is so valuable. You don't have to worry about being judged or believed and can get perspective from someone not influenced from knowing him. There are also some domestic violence centers in some areas that will take walk ins or appointments from women who just want to talk about what they went through with someone who understands. I am confident that both you and I will be in love again (it is just a matter of meeting someone worthy, we both are certainly capable of loving again, and loving someone else) but being ok with being single for a while (not only ok, but rejoicing in it and yourself) is something that I think is even more important.