Cross posted at The (not so) Little Things .
There is a new book coming out called "Rules for My Unborn Son." It was sent to BoingBoing's Mark Frauenfelder, who responded, "Lamond's rules are good advice for sons, as well as anyone else, really." Hmmm, well yes, advice based on general etiquette is usually good for all people.
The book is based on the blog "1001 Rules for my Unborn Son," and is just one more attempt to shore up the author's own masculinity while making sure his kid also adheres to his version of what it is to be man. Nevermind that his kid might be gay, or trans, or born a girl.
Moreover, this poor kid is going to have to memorize 1,001 rules to be the right kind of man his dad want's him to be?!? I feel sorry for the kid. But, I also feel bad for the guy who wrote this, since he too feels his identity is based on a masculinity that can be broken down into a set of stringent rules - and on his youth and cool factor.
Lets move on to the advice, that Mark characterizes as "specific tips for living a life of kindness, politeness, and preparedness," shall we? Yes there are some nice general tips for, oh...I don't know not being an asshole, like thanking your bus driver. But, then we get into the "men must be strong and fight" ones: "Aim for the nose," "A man's luggage doesn't roll." Oh right, because being a man means unnecessarily lugging a duffel bag, causing your shoulder and back to be sore for the rest of trip and your clothes to be wrinkled, instead of using a convenient roller? Tell that to pilots (who of course are all manly men, unlike the flight attendants who are all ladies or pansies).
But, here is the real winner:
"Remember, the girl you're with is somebody's sister. And she's perfectly capable of kicking your ass."
While it's nice to know he thinks women are as physically capable as the Paul Bunyan/Don Draper prototype he has raised, there is a whole heap of crap wrong with this:
1. The girl you are dating is only of value because she is defined by her relationship to a man (we assume the threat is from her unidentified brother, and not her sister).
2. You will only ever date young women, god forbid she have other relationships, like oh...being someone's mother.
3. The author feels that he has to put in a very specific rule that breaks down to simply "DON'T BE A RAPIST " or any form of abuser, but really, this rule is all about not committing date rape.
I can only hope that when I have a son I will have taught him about respecting all people and provided him with the tools to create his own healthy sexuality, so that I don't have to remind him to not beat or rape his dates - whoever they may be.
Image via 1001 Rules for My Unborn Son blog.
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You are very judgmental and close minded.
First off, you dont know this man's life. You dont know how he was raised, maybe he didnt have a father figure, maybe he was abused, maybe he is just trying to help prevent kids from having a life like his. And god forbid, maybe its a satire. Granted, it probably isnt, I'm only being objective. But let me be honest with you, you are a close minded bitch. Sorry to put it so plainly, but its true, as soon as I saw your post I was totally put off by your attitude. You assume that this guy is hell bent on having a son, he isn't King Henry VIII. Perhaps he is just saying, he doesn't want his son, if he were to have one, to grow up to be an asshole. And I'm just going to assume that your statement about the kid memorizing all of the rules is sarcasm, because it would be inane to truly believe that this is what that man intends. And sure, I dont agree with the bit about men must not use rolling luggage, thats a bit ridiculous. But to put down the fact that he feels a man should be strong and fight seems a big strange. Sure, violence is wrong, no doubt about that, but for both men and women, its not like it doesn't help to be aware of how to throw a punch. And not only that, but being strong and able to fight also has a separate connotation, be strong minded, mentally and emotionally, and to stand your ground; dont succumb to someone else. And as for your last bit, about his statement on a woman being someones sister, well that has nothing to do with age first off, you're still someones sister when you're forty, and there are still people dating at forty. And you're assuming he is referring to a brother, but he doesnt say that, you're putting the words into his mouth. Same with him saying she can beat you up, you're automatically deciding that he is thinking of a certain type of woman. When did he ever say anything about it being a brother, not a sister? (and of course he doesnt touch on the fact that there are indeed families with only one child, which you fail to touch on). You have completely generalized this entire statement to make this guy out to be misogynistic, but you have no reason to other than your rampant need to turn everything into a feminist issue. And what is wrong with him making a statement that comes down to not being a rapist? Shouldnt that be a good thing? This guy, i can almost guarantee, doesnt intend to nitpick everything his potential son might do, he calls them rules but i bet he sees them as guidelines to help teach his kid how to have respect for other people. This post was a stupid waste of your time, and I am merely commenting on it to tell you that you are no better than this guy by writing this petty blog.
That's pretty harsh, calling her a closed minded bitch. All she's doing is calling out some things that guy said that are sexist. I intend to teach my son a number of things, including that any person he dates is a HUMAN WORTHY OF RESPECT, not just someone's sister/brother.
Its frustrating reading blogs and books like his because they really think what they are teaching is helpful and insightful. But its all just old stereotypes =(
You're freaking insane. Calling the OP out of name as you do is wholly out-of-line, and completely inappropriate. Down deep under the hate you raise some legitimate issues about the obvious ideology at work here, but you come across as nothing more than a troll. Actually at over 500 words you come across as a crank. If you have something to say, say it & park the slurs. You wanna grind an ax, buy a whetstone.
Responding to personal attacks with personal attacks is counterproductive. I've reported the original comment to the mods for violating the personal attacks policy--responding directly just continues the cycle (although I understand the urge).
"you are a close minded bitch"
Seriously, on a feminist blog? You would be wise to take your own advice and avoid being close minded. Though I'm not that ignorant to call you a bitch.
FYI,
Does anyone know why calling women a female dog is so prevalent? Theres no male equivalent....,or is there? Whats the male dogs name when he's used in breeding? Anyone know?
A male dog is a stud. Big suprise that it has a totally different connotation than its female equivalent :)
Emma,
The guy who wrote those 1,001 "Man Rules" for his son has some really dangerously rigid ideas about what being a "Real Man" is - and let me tell you, that kind of hypermasculinity can be really really toxic, both to the boy raised to live up to those rules and to the people around that boy.
So I think the OP was right on the money for criticizing those "1,001 rules".
Also... .have you seen this blog? Why don't you write about it? Just because we are feminists does not mean we have to love all things female-bodied or written/done by women.
http://rulesformyunborndaughter.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-10-19T15%3A47%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7
this blog has even more sexist things than the other one.
So you write about it. I agree that both are fair game for feminist analysis, but I don't understand why you are critiquing the OP for choosing the male/masculine version.
What if she's an only child like me? Am I not worthy of respect because I am nobody's sister?
Good point! Me too!
Exactly my thoughts. I think some men have difficulty relating to women as anything other than someone else's female family member.
I also totally don't get the bit about "real men carry their luggage." Is this guy going to make his son heft around big bags when they go on family vacations so he won't turn out to be a lily-livered nancy-boy? Yeesh.
Yeah, that "no rolling luggage" thing was just total bullshit!
I'm a carpenter in New York City, so I carry heavy tools every day on the subway - and yes, I use a wheeled luggage cart to transport my tools.
Which, apparently, makes me "unmanly".
And my "unmanlyhood" is probably compounded by the fact that I use a wheeled shopping cart to take my laundry to and from the laundromat, and the fact that when I go on vacation I use ...rolling luggage.
I feel really sorry for that guy's son!
Mostly this just points out that many men haven't really bothered to do more than scratch the surface regarding the depths of understanding women. The information is there and the people willing to provide a three-dimensional portrayal of the complete truth are there, but what gets in the way frequently is a discomfort with feminism.
I admit that some men have tried to shame me for affixing the label of feminist to myself, as though this means I am forsaking somehow my own masculinity or wishing to be a women, neither of which are feminist at all. It does cause some initial discomfort, but the rewards have been rich and gratifying.
I dunno. I had kind of a different take on the 1001 Rules for my Unborn Son blog, maybe just because I'm having a boy, too, so some of the "rules" made get all mushy. (My favorite being 386: Ask your mom to play. She won't let you win.)
I interpreted it more as a lighthearted approach to teach his son (and, if I remember what I read correctly, he started it when he found out that he actually was having a son) some of his values. And like the original poster said, it's mostly basic manners and respect, which are good lessons for anyone - I think the author just happened to distill them this way based on his life experience and what an ultrasound picture told him.
This is probably related to the fact that I'm expecting a boy as well, but I agree with Johanna. Most of the "rules" (which look much more like guidelines, to me at least) are based on common courtesy and respect. Surely most of us can agree on these being positive things to instill in anyone.
And some of the rules (esp wheeling bag) are just silly, or yes, even sexist (inviting mistreatment of girls who don't have violence-prone manfolk among her kin). These rules are stupid at best, and outright damaging at worst.
...but do these items make the whole list invalid? Or the writer evil? No, just imperfect. Like me, and you, and everything else on this planet. So how do reasoned, sane people deal with imperfect messages? By talking, cooly, about them and coming to one's own conclusions.
I will be teaching my son about Feminism, and why it is important, and (God willing!) he will choose to be a feminist too. And part of that teaching IS looking over lists, like the one posted, and discussing what we each think about it. Hence, I am GLAD the list exists, so that the kid and I CAN talk about it, warts and all.
So please stop the character assassinations on this (albeit somewhat unenlightened) list-writer! That is not how a useful dialogue is conducted.
LOLOLO...what a joke...typical American women BS..look feminist do the same shit to their daughters....so stop being so hypocritical...see women need to understand that the reason why things are so freaked up today in America is because of the loss of the family structure..its a fact..look it up.....the foundation has broke...and feminism, another fact, is to blame..now im not saying that women should be pushovers and Im also not saying they shouldnt be equal to everyone..in fact they should be treated with just as much respect as men...but let be honest and stop with the I'm a women bullshit...major turnoff too.....no wonder most American men are now going overseas to marry...they make much better wives..another fact...sorry but the truth hurts....
Where, exactly, does one look up "why things are so freaked up today"? I tried asking Google, and the results were not helpful.
Maybe I should have looked in Wikipedia. There's probably an article about it.
The fear of feminists is strong with this one.
I have a daughter and no son, but these are rules I try to teach all the boys and young men I know:
1. A woman/girl is a person, not a prize. She's got her own agenda and desires. If you want to hang with her, you've got to respect that.
2. Do the right thing, especially when it's the hard thing.
3. Don't let the fear of looking weak stop you from being smart and don't let the fear of looking stupid stop you from having fun. In general, don't let other people make decisions for you. It's your ass on the line, not theirs.
4. Take care of your body; it's the only one you're going to get. (i.e. Get the rolling bag if it saves your back)
The same rules apply to my daughter, but Rule #1 gets a little different spin on it.
"Remember, the girl you're with is somebody's sister. And she's perfectly capable of kicking your ass."
Because only-children don't exist. :rolls eyes:
From the blog:
397. Don't jog shirtless.
393. Never eat lunch at your desk.
What's wrong will jogging topless or eating lunch at your desk? I live where it's 100+ degrees in the summer, and really I don't mind the topless (male and female) joggers. It's hot! And I eat lunch at my desk.
And then:
384. All drinking challenges must be accepted.
375. Don't pose with booze.
These directly contradict each other. Or perhaps he wants his son to be an alcoholic but hide it well?
So, eating lunch at your desk is "unmanly" too?
But binge drinking is "manly" - as long as you are good at hiding your addiction?
These "1,001 rules" are seriously warped!
I don't see the "somebody's sister" thing being about her value only in relation to someone else, as if she has no value without that. Rather, I see it as pointing out hypocrisy in being willing to inflict something on an outsider that we would never tolerate in the opposite direction against someone that we consider family.
To paraphrase: "Look, if that was YOUR sister, and somebody was treating her that way, you would be furious and consider that guy to be a complete asshole who needs his clock cleaned. So, are YOU a complete asshole who needs his clock cleaned?"
I think what he was really saying was that the only reason that you shouldn't abuse a woman is because her brother or some other male relative might beat you up - because, of course, women are the property of their male relatives.
If he'd said you shouldn't abuse a woman because it's wrong to abuse another human being PERIOD no matter what gender they are I'd have a lot more respect for this guy.
As it is, I feel sorry for his child especially if his kid is female, or a gay male, or transgendered, or is a heterosexual male who doesn't measure up to his rigid gender rules!
And those "1,001 rules" for being manly are damned near impossible to measure up to - hell, I'm a construction worker who's dad was a marine, and I don't even measure up to those hypermasculine "rules"!!!!!
So, no matter what, that kid is in for a lot of misery from his manly father!