So I hear all day, every day, excuses, jokes and justifications about rape. Really tired of it. As a survivor...how dare you?!
This is what I know about rape. I was sexually abused and raped all through my childhood and well into my twenties. I will not go into details. Not because it is a problem for me. It just seems to be a problem for everyone else to grasp. My story is not unusual. Quite the opposite.
Ten years of therapy. Ten years of constant physical and emotional pain and flashbacks. Insomnia. Sobbing. Eating disorders. Anger. Aggression. Grief. My muscles sprained and torn. Migraines. Sickness. Vomiting. Irregular heart beat and high blood pressure. Thoughts of suicide. Thoughts of murder!!
Ten years of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Ten years of having to claim disability benefits because I could not function. Ten years of poverty....and then more prejudice because of my disabilities. I may as well still be being raped.
I always wanted to be a dancer. Well, that's shot to s**t. By now, if I had been left alone....I would have had a very successful career. My whole life torn apart by patriarchy.
If you wish to offer support - that's really nice. But I am fine. I am writing this for one reason only. It is to make you think. Think of what rape can actually DO to a survivor.
I am much, much more angry about the results, than I am about the rapes.
Everyone seems to have an opinion about rape. Well...unless you have suffered as survivors have, then I am sorry. I am not listening.
So go ahead, make rape-jokes. Call it a "misunderstanding". Say it couldn't really have been that bad. Or perhaps "it wasn't meant that way".
Then come and live my life. Try and be a warrior and cope with THAT. If you are not prepared to then I am not listening.
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I can't blame you for being bitter and angry. What happened to you was inexcusable and as a fellow survivor, I understand the impact it made upon you. Indeed, I am never able to forget the combined impact it made upon me, though with the passage of time I have learned to work within my limitations. I could look back and dredge up the memories of one nightmare after another and for a while I did. But eventually I came to terms with the abuse as a means of preserving my sanity and living my life in spite of it.
My concern for you, which is spoken out of genuine care and regard, is that so long as this negativity consumes you, true stability and happiness will always be elusive. My wish for your is that you find that grounding and in so doing find a way to set aside the chaos that has characterized your life. One dream you once had might not be feasible, but there are many others that will come true for you if you devote yourself to seeing them through. Your abuser, whomever that was, damaged you tremendously, but I would think the best way to win and triumph over what happened would be to live a joyful, successful life in spite of it.
Comrade Kevin: Thank you very much for sharing your experiences of abuse with me. It's nice to know I have support.
The only thing that I will strongly disagree on here, is your statement about negativity consuming me.
It doesn't. It hasn't for over five years...I have moved through those stages. I am extremely happy now. If you believe this is why I wrote this piece (with the greatest of respect) you are missing my point.
I wrote it for all the people (on this site - because I have seen some) and out there.....who minimize and excuse rape and rape survivors.
It was my way of saying....you think rape is no big deal? Well let me tell you what it can do.
I am so tired of seeing the same old bull about rape - so this is my response. And if I am angry now...it is only with the constant minimization that is taking place in society. So it is not meant to illicit support, for me as such.
It is to get people to stop denying and think. But thank you for your heart-felt comments.
PS: oh and just to clear something up. It was not one abuser. It was at least twenty (I lost count). And it included a small percentage of women.
Later on I worked in child protection so that I could help other survivors. And you know what terrified me? That people think my story is even unusual. The denial of adults is disgusting.
And showing that many, many people abused me goes to prove why I wrote this post in the first place. That rape is endemic. That it is primarily perpetrated because of patriarchy and male privilege, not just by a few sick individuals. Thanks again.
just as an fyi - there are posts about rape and rape jokes on this blog called Fugitivus that have really hit home for a lot of people:
http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/06/24/a-woman-walks-into-a-rape-uh-bar/
http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/another-post-about-rape-3/
general blog addy:
http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/
DarkPersephone: Thanks for the links but I am already familiar with them. But I am not talking about any articles on rape.
I am trying to challenge succoncious, patriarchal assumptions that people make about survivors after the event. Frankly...it's not me who needs to read up on rape. It's the rest of seciety.
I think that people on here (and wider society) talk a good talk on rape. "Oh, isn't it terrible", etc. But rarely do they/we challenge our own discrimination against survivors. Indeed...it all gets "discussed" and "debated" so much that the perpertrators are ignored!! So this is my way of showing how these assumptions further hurt survivors.
rebekah: Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Isn't the discrimination disgusting?? It's exactly that that I was trying to convey so thanks again. You are very brave.
thank you so much for standing up and saying this. I too am a survivor (still feel weird using that term instead of victim). It makes me angrier than any other when people say things and are apologetic to rapists like they have something that they need to be sorry to them for. I do not suffer from PTSD from my experience, however I am still in therapy 6 years later and there is no end in site. The discrimination against survivors is absolutely unbelievable. My rape is a matter of public record and every time a job runs me through the system it pops. I had to explain to my college why that is on my file to get in. I also had to sign a paper stating that I was not going to go crazy and think that every guy on campus wanted to rape me in order to attend. There were several universities who admitted me but would not allow me to live in campus housing because of it. I cannot get adequate health care coverage because of the abuse at the hands of my step father. My mother is ashamed of me because of the abuse. My father wants nothing to do with me because I am "tainted". Because of my horrible image of myself I have wound up in countless horrible relationships that were not good for me. I am only now starting to put the pieces of myself back together and learn who I am post abuse. We need to stop having to listen to the people who don't truly understand and try and provide mock support. Nothing is more insulting than rape jokes. I got into an argument with a fellow student who tried to argue that his midterm raped him. I flipped my lid. As survivors we need to stand together, and fight against this
Wow. I had no idea it extended that far. I knew about the emotional/physical/psychological after affects but the other issues as well says alot about rape and how we treat it in America. Its absolutely infuriating.
I'm sorry, I don't understand - what is "mock support"?
I got lost somewhere in the post and the comments on this notion. What assumptions are being made about survivors (especially by people on this site?) that need to be challenged?
I understand the anger towards people who truly don't understand, who are completely insensitive, the kind of people who victim-blame and make rape jokes... but is there something else going on that I'm missing?
I can't speak for other survivors, but one thing I've encountered a lot of as a survivor is the tendency to cast me in a perpetual victim role, like I'm weak and in need of saving. I'm not a victim and I don't define myself as a victim. It's sort of condescending. I mean, it's well-meaning of course, but the language used to describe survivors a lot of the time emphasizes how messed up we are after the incident. Everyone has their own path. I choose to see myself as stronger for having survived it, better able to empathize. Not constantly in shambles. This view of survivors reduces us to nothing but our assault and ignores the fact that we still have lives beyond that.
Another tendency, that I've received in real life, is this notion that I should get over it and move on. Again, said in a well-meaning manner, but still. I will get over it whenever the fuck I want and as fast as I want.
And a third thing, that probably doesn't apply to the feministing community, is people telling me that I shouldn't let my assault poison my future relationships with men. Like, more important than my feelings of worthlessness after my assault, was that I don't suddenly cease to be sexually available. Again, well-meaning, but not really helpful.
Someone needs a hug.
See, mock support ^^
Yay Milena! You and Rebekah are talking about EXACTLY what I was trying to convey with this post. Thank you!! (oh...and sorry if this is a double-post...I can't sign in properly!)
Yay Milena!! You and Rebekah are talking about EXACTLY what I was trying to convey with this post! Thank you!
Seems more than one person needs a hug.
okay do you not get the concept of the mock support? as survivors its extremely insulting to first of all have people think that hugging us will somehow make what we went through better. First of all, a lot of survivors don't want to be touched by others at all or only by very specific people who they feel very safe with. Second, something like a hug is never going to make up for what we went through. We are allowed to be angry and to get mad. To scream from the rooftops about the abuse we have suffered. To want retribution. And to come onto a website that is supposed to be feminist and still be trivialized and told that we are somehow less because of our abuse? That sucks. It pisses us off and makes us want to scream more, not less about what happened. Please check your privilege and remember that you do not understand what we have gone through so that you don't make stupid comments to survivors
Rebekah: yay again! The reason "IamnotTheDudeness" (ironic name really, considering his comments!!)is trying to derail us, is the standard reason that everyone tries to silence survivors.
It's a feeling of "there by the grace of god go I". I have seen this in my own life when I tell my story to people. It's like they are checking their own behaviour, in their minds.
With men it's a feeling of "Oh god...have I ever done that or gone to far with a woman?" and with women it is "Oh god...she seems to be just like me - so this could happen to me!"
And once they have realized that...then comes the inevitable projection back onto you to ally their own feelings of fear and guilt. "Oh...but it wasn't as bad as YOUR'S", etc.
Scary feeling isn't it? That either way...it could be YOU. Well - that is what survivors deal with all day.
We are really the front lines of feminism, as it were. Because our stories make other adults worry over their own behaviour. It's right there - in your face.
And THAT is what I am sick of. So they have to make us into victims...they have to to distance those feelings.
And I am certainly no victim!! I am extremely intelligent and I do martial arts. So I could be...just like you!
Sorry if this seems like a rant...but "IamnotTheDudeness's" comments are exactly the kind of patronizing and discrimination, I mentioned above.