I was feeling anxious. I was crampy, slightly nauseous, and my period, while wonky anyway due to my Mirena, hadn't made an appearance. I figured I'd be a big girl and buy a pregnancy test for the first time. I figured I'd get one from the grocery store. No biggie.
I was jitters thinking about it. I wanted to just stick my head into the ground and recite the Mirena pregnancy prevention rates, but I had to be responsible. I went to the grocery store, approached the glass case that held the pregnancy tests, condoms, nicotine substitutes, and lubes, standing in front of the condoms, like I was surveying them, when in reality I was staring at the pregnancy tests a little to my right. I looked around, seeing if I could find someone who worked in the parmacy department with keys. I didn't spot anyone, and i chickened out. I went home, without a pee stick.
When the cramps didn't quit, and my period still hadn't showed up, I decided I had to get one this time. I marched down to the grocery store again. I marched to the pharmacy department.
This time it was peak business hours. People were mulling around the pharmacy, dropping off and picking up scripts and medication. The case was RIGHT between the pick up and drop off windows. People were lined up at the windows. I looked at the case. I'd probably have to get someone to unlock it. I'd wait until the lines went down before I'd ask if someone would open the glass-case-o-shame for me. I hated feeling ashamed, because I had nothing to be ashamed for, yet part of me was deeply ashamed of plucking a pregnancy test from the case in front of all of those people.
Looking at all of these people, trying to prentend I was interested in the aspirin, I did something I never thought I would do: I took my claddagh ring off my right hand and put it on my left. I turned the ring around so the design was facing into my hand. So it looked like I was wearing a wedding band. So it looked like I was married. I felt it would reduce my shame somehow. I felt like it would make people judge me less.
Finally, people did leave long enough for me to approach the pharmacist. I asked him if he could unlock the case for me. He smiled at me, and said a little loudly "Oh the glass case just outside? It's unlocked sweetie." I forced a polite thank you, then scurried to the case. I plucked out a pregnancy test, then checked out via self-checkout. I stuffed the test in my purse, along with the receipt, before doing the rest of my grocery shopping. The rest of my day, I cursed myself for the shame I still had buried in me, even after years of telling other women there was no shame in being responsible, no shame in stepping up to the plate, and no shame in making choices for your pregnancy.
The test came back negative.
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This is very powerful- it speaks the truth that many women hold within them. We are trying so hard to feel empowered, to be empowered to escape the shame and break free from the stigma of women and sex (cold, prude, whore, slut). Where there is no balance.
Yet the stigmatizing society still prevails in the little ways- the "glass case o shame" is one example. The idea that it's ok to maybe be pregnant if you are married is another (perhaps people will think I am wanting to be pregnant instead of *gasp* hoping not to be).
Thanks you for speaking on this so frankly- and thus, so powerfully.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes we do what we have to do to get by...to get through whatever it is we have to get through. My husband and I don't wear wedding rings, so I wouldn't even be able to do that!
Don't worry about it.
First of all, congrats on the negative pregnancy test!
Secondly, I feel you. Both times I bought pregnancy tests, I was unmarried and really nervous about anything a cashier or pharmacist would say. I think there's the whole "I might be pregnant" nervousness, and it feeds into the "what if someone tries to shame me for buying this" nervousness. I agree with the above commenter, you did what you had to do and there's no shame in that.
Third, FYI, the dollar store sells pregnancy tests, too. You have to ask for them, but they are much cheaper and as good at determining pregnancy as the expensive tests. I don't know why, but the idea of buying one in a dollar store, even when you HAVE to ask for it, just seems less intimidating to me, personally.
I'm married and often don't sport my ring so I've purchased many pregnancy tests with naked fingers. Most of the time I want it to be negative, except for a short period about 2 years and 9 months ago.
As far as I've noticed nobody's given me judgmental looks or muttered under their breath at me. But even if they did - f*ck them. I want to know if I'm pregnant. If you act ashamed it reinforces the idea that there is something to be ashamed about. There is nothing wrong with buying tests, pads, tampons, condoms, yeast infection meds or anything else!
One thing I have noticed is that sometimes the clerk will say "Good luck," implying with their demeanor a positive result. One time I replied, "I hope not," just to see what would happen and the clerk's face was hilarious! Taking into account the diversity of women's experiences I think it's better to say nothing at all - as if I'm buying a can of soup - or if they can't control their urge to comment to say, "Hope it comes out how you want."
yes, shame is part of the problem, but let's not blame Naked__Feminist for being ashamed. The fact is that these notions of shame exist. Maybe it would have been fine. Maybe nobody would care or notice. But these things are scary, especially the first time. Obviously, naked_feminist, you have nothing to be ashamed of, being responsible and buying a pregnancy test. you know that. but when it comes down to it, the weighty shame that is out there in society can make it hard. don't feel bad. instead, let's just all try to do what little things we can to make things easier for the next woman who is nervous about buying a pregnancy test.
Upon a further reading, you are right. It does come off as blaming Naked_Feminist. This was not my intent, but it does read that way. Thanks for noting it. My apologies.
Condoms, lubes, and pregnancy tests kept in a glass case?! Perhaps my surprise at this seems naive, but I've never heard of that. (Is it common?)
But great, really--another way to shame people about their sexuality. Just what we need.
I know where I work, the pregnancy tests are kept in a case because people used to steal them and run off to the bathroom to use them right away. Not the condoms and lube though, they're just on a shelf. It probably depends on the individual store, what they're having theft problems with.
That was my reaction too. Putting pregnancy tests in a special glass case is just another little thing to make buying it more of an ordeal.
In case you'd somehow missed this, my understanding is that around 20% of women on Mirena do not have their periods at all. I figured I'd kick that out there on the off chance that you're thinking that you have to brave the glass case next month.
I'd also feel exposed buying a pregnancy test. I wouldn't want to look like some fool whose brand of birth control is the "luck" method.
Frankly I think that you can safely wish someone with a pregnancy test good luck, since clearly they need it with whatever outcome they're hoping for.
I am aware of that, and for the longest time my period WAS completely gone, but when my Mirena approached it's third birthday, I started getting small periods again.
I'm glad to hear that your test came back negative. Sadly, our society has decided that we need to shame women for having sex outside of marriage, but we don't do the same to men. Its time that this changed. Your internal shame that you felt is the same one that leaves young men and women not using protection because they are too ashamed to go get it from the store and end up with unwanted pregnancies and STD's. That is unacceptable. Our mindset needs to change. The model that is set up for teenagers needs to change
This reminds me of an experience I had buying a pregnancy test in Japan. I had purchased one in the States before without feeling much shame, but I felt different in Japan. As most people on here probably know, Japanese culture is very fond of shaming women. I was terrified to go to the pharmacy and grab my test for fear of being shamed by the pharmacist or one of the clerks. Finally, my boyfriend went and bought it for me. (His Japanese is terrible and had to ask a clerk in the Pharmacy where to even find them >_
Also, I'm sure in many areas pregnancy tests are in glass cases as a shame method, but I used to work at a locally owned pharmacy and we had to start putting them in glass because they were one of the most frequently stolen items! (Along with Condoms...people love stealing condoms...)
I am often afraid to pick up the tests myself or even condoms. I live in a relatively small city and it doesn't take long for something to get around. There is the cold stare in my city if you go anywhere near the family planning section, so I hear you. It doesn't exactly help that I look and sound like a young teenager despite being in my early twenties.
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That's really sensitive and understanding of you, GreeL. Nice to have such wonderful human beings such as yourself around these parts.
Bite me, pumpkin. ;)
I can relate to this article and have to laugh a little due to the memories it brings back. I remember wandering around the drug store for an hour when I was seventeen, waiting for that one moment when I could grab a test from the shelf unnoticed. I even remember thinking for a brief second, "Maybe I could just drop the test in my bag and walk out." Of course I had never stolen anything before, so that was out of the question!
But ultimately, it wasn't how other people were acting that made me so scared and humiliated when I bought that test. I was just young, freaked out and thought everyone was judging me constantly, whether it be while buying a pregnancy test, a pair of jeans, lunch, whatever. Ah the fun of being a teenager! With each passing year and each passing test that went into my shopping cart, it became like buying anything else. I mean, why wouldn't I be buying one? If you don't like it, too bad! Of course, I grew up in a city, so I haven't had to deal with as many gossiping folks like some of my friends from smaller towns.
Having worked retail a number of years, my opinion is that those tests are in plain view and locked up due to theft, not in order to pursuade customers from buying them! But that doesn't take away that awful feeling like everyone in the store is somehow judging you. I would recommend to anyone who is having this sort of anxiety that they check out going to a Planned Parenthood or a similar facility. They are discreet, professional and inexpensive (at least in my experience).
I've had two miscarriages this year and following them, I need to take a weekly pregnancy test until I get a negative result, confirming that my hormone levels are falling appropriately. Last time it took seven weeks (seven tests), so after this last one I went to the dollar store and bought ten tests at once. The clerk gave me a puzzled look and then said, "Well, good luck with whatever you need this many for." I longed for some silent professionalism and a smile.
That said, thanks to my midwife I know that dollar stores are the way to go. Never again will I feel the need to pay for absurdly expensive tests.
Also, the shame factor and the theft of sex-related items? Hand in hand. As a teen I was under the (wrong) impression that you had to be eighteen to buy condoms, too- because they were locked up like cigarettes.
I was similarly nervous when I had to buy planB. On a Sunday morning at a CVS next to a college campus, I worried that there were a lot of stereotypes or judgments pharmacist might apply to me. His friendly, professional and completely non-plussed demeanor made me much more at ease. Though I knew intellectually that I had no reason to be ashamed for taking care of myself, his behavior allowed me to feel that way emotionally as well.
Thanks, CVS pharmacist. I hope there are more pharmacists like you out there.
I had to buy a pregnancy test once, and the only time I could do so(being a full time student and working full time) was on my break (I work at Walgreens). It was surreal: my coworker in cosmetics ringing me out, one of my bosses in line behind me making a purchase, and another boss having to sign the receipt to okay my discount. I laugh now, but it was so embarrassing at the time.
I've bought two pregnancy tests in my life: the first in my early 20s (I was single, embarrassed, and completely terrified); the second more recently in my late 30s (now married, no longer embarrassed, but still completely terrified). Are these things related? Maybe. But even now I still resent the process of buying products related to my sexuality--tampons, birth control, pregnancy tests--because it reveals a part of my life that should be private. Perhaps this is part of the shame aspect...
I felt this way when I bought Plan B as well. I went to the grocery store whose pharmacy I regularly use, and I was told they didn't have any EC. I asked where I could get it; they said probably across the street and called that store for me. My partner and I went over there, and the pharmacist was incredibly short with me, loudly asked a couple people where the Plan B was, basically threw the box ask me, threw the change back at me, and was overall incredibly rude. I will not go to that store again. (Planned Parenthood was closed or I would've gone there.) My partner and I were both surprised and outraged at how I was treated.
I buy pregnancy tests with pride. I get my regular STD checks and condom prescriptions filled with a sense of pride because it means I'm in control of my sexual health. This doesn't mean everyone does (although wouldn't that be wonderful!) and I sympathise with the OP's situation.
Putting those items into a glass case seems quite discouraging to me. It gives the impression that they are shameful and illict. Not a positive concept to be putting across! In NZ, all of those items are available in your local supermarket and the consequence is that it just feels part of your regular grocery shop. Bread, meat, pregnancy test, cheese!
People still worry about sex outside of marriage?!!??
Not in my world!
As a married women with a not easily recognizable wedding ring, whenever I had a situation like yours recently, I felt the same shame. Except it was more like "No, guys, I'm married, don't look at me like that!". I immediately felt shame and regret at my thought process as well. How could I call myself empowered and modern, yet I was subscribing to this archaic idea? I had another experience where a few weeks of continuous flu like symptoms drove my husband and I to a local cvs. Let me tell you, the experience was completely different. Instead of glares we received knowing smiles, and an eagerness to help. It was crazy how completely opposite this experience was in comparison to the time I went alone. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Ah, yes. I was too ashamed to buy my own a couple of years back, so my partner bought a pack of three for me.
It was positive (I made him pee on one of the three just to make sure it was accurate, ha). But that's another story.
I have actually done the exact same thing as you when buying condoms a few years ago. Nowadays, I wouldn't bother, but I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she said she is too embarrassed to buy them.
Wow do i remember the day i was 19 and was pregnate ; back then we did not have the easy 123 test kit, I had to go to the docotre and wait, unmarried and living in a small town, I will never forget the shame, and ultimatly the marriage that ended 6 months later. Loved your story.
I didn't get a physical period for a good year and a half when I was on my old birth control pill. For about the same time, I had a boyfriend and was having regular sex for pretty much the first time ever. I told myself that I was NOT going to be one of those women that doesn't know she's pregnant until she's giving birth in line at the bank, so I took a pregnancy test every month- better safe than sorry. The first time I bought one I felt a little funny about it, but after that it much, much easier, to the point that I didn't even think about it. I decided it was really no different than buying condoms or birth control pills. I figure if anyone thinks anything of it, they're probably thinking either a) "I've been there" or b) "oh how nice that young woman might be having a baby." If anyone thinks otherwise, they're just jealous they're not getting laid.
I didn't get a physical period for a good year and a half when I was on my old birth control pill. For about the same time, I had a boyfriend and was having regular sex for pretty much the first time ever. I told myself that I was NOT going to be one of those women that doesn't know she's pregnant until she's giving birth in line at the bank, so I took a pregnancy test every month- better safe than sorry. The first time I bought one I felt a little funny about it, but after that it much, much easier, to the point that I didn't even think about it. I decided it was really no different than buying condoms or birth control pills. I figure if anyone thinks anything of it, they're probably thinking either a) "I've been there" or b) "oh how nice that young woman might be having a baby." If anyone thinks otherwise, they're just jealous they're not getting laid.
I don't want the same punishment as GreeL, so I'll word my post more politely than I was planning to (the way I was going to word it comes from how I speak - casually - in general, not out of disrespectful or plain rudeness).
I'm not going to say or agree with most of the comments here. The fact is, when it came to it, you couldn't practice what you preach. You weren't brave enough. Because you thought what would happen? You'd get a cold stare or two? Maybe the cashier would give you "a look"? Did you think about how many women without rings the cashier will have given - and will give - pregnancy tests to? Or that maybe other people around you would be too busy with their shopping? Probably the most unlucky you could get is a stuck-up person saying (if they'd even gotten a look at your hand long enough to notice that there wasn't a wedding ring - before you'd swapped over and turned your ring around - ...I mean, they're probably more likely to be looking at you funny for the fact that you were stood there so long) "You should be ashamed". And what harm would that really do you? You know better. And you know that you know better - that you shouldn't be ashamed because there's nothing to be ashamed of; they'd just be being ignorant (and old-fashioned).
Yes, it's past society's fault women were ever made to feel this way, but in this day and age, and epecially as a feminist (and with the values you have as one, such as "telling other women there was no shame in being responsible, no shame in stepping up to the plate, and no shame in making choices for your pregnancy"), I disagree with that being a good enough excuse.
Heck, the first pregnancy test I bought was when I was 14 for a friend of the same age because she was too embarrassed. I didn't know about feminism (well, I probably thought "feminists = angry men-haters" :|), or have the values/morals/beliefs you have. All I knew was that sh*t happens, and it's better to be as responsible about it as possible, however many "Oh dear" glances you get. Those (the glares or murmurs) are nothing to do with the big decision you might have to make.
Good job it came back negative if you were too ashamed to even buy the test without turning your ring around. Otherwise you might've been wearing that ring on your left hand for the next nine plus months if you (had have been pregnant and) decided to keep the kid, eh?
Next time, if there is a next time, just don't be ashamed if you don't want to be. After all, in this case, it was you letting what others might (emphasis on ze "might") think of you that made you feel the shame. Don't let them, and don't believe those worries. Have the courage to follow what you tell others.
Hoping you don't take me words harshly. It just really disheartens me when people (incluindg myself) contradict their own strong beliefs.
Good job on having the Claddagh ring, though :). I love those.
You know, there is absolutely no reason to shame me. At all. And you are.
Did I claim I was right? No. Did I feel ashamed already for not following my own word? Yes. So you don't need to do it for me.
Had I been pregnant, I would have gotten an abortion. I am at least that responsible that I would not bring a child into my situation.
So you can kindly shut it.
I was also only disagreeing with those who said what happened was supposedly the fault of something else and that therefore it's all good. Unless the comment section is a place where everyone backs up everyone else on something and can't disagree with each other, I must be allowed to say that. You didn't blame anything but yourself, so why do I have to? People post here expecting responses. Mine just happened to be more in agreement with your post. I should be allowed to share my opinion without having to be positive and blaming the world for something I feel is your responsibility. Unless you were only looking for responses to make you feel better.
Anyway, I am sorry if my post made you feel bad. I hate hurting people. I was only trying to say that shame is something we feel because we feel like we Should be ashamed of whatever we're ashamed of (almost confusing myself here); yet, in this case, you knew you shouldn't be ashamed because there Was nothing to be ashamed of, so, just...don't be ashamed? (Again, if there's a next time.)
But, heck, don't let ME make you feel ashamed :S. I may be saying that, yes, you messed up on following your beliefs this time, but I'm also saying that you recognise this and that this is a good thing - because if you get in another situation where your courage and morals are tested, hopefully you can think back to this time and follow through with what you believe in, even if the response from others might make you cringe a little.
I have a trick for those situations which feel embarrassing but one knows are not: pretend you're doing it for a friend, to help out. Works like a charm, for me at least.
I remember shopping for condoms as a teenager before heading to college (they were cheaper in the country I come from). I bought 10 packs of 10 condoms - and that was all I was getting. The look on the face of the guy in front of me! I had a hard time keeping a straight face, and part of me wanted to tell him "oh yes, I know all the right people and I go to all the right parties!" The cashier could have cared less, though.