I have had many, many diagnosis of mental illness. In thinking about how I deal with them, I have discovered a 'hierarchy' in how willing I am to discuss each with people in my life. I am very, very willing to talk about my learning disabilities. In part, that is because my LDs are obvious. I use a computer to take notes because my handwriting is bad due to dysgraphia. I reverse letters and numbers due to dyslexia. My non-verbal learning disability is less obvious, but I have never been ashamed to claim it either. However, it is not just the obviousness of my learning disabilities that make me willing to claim them. It is that (baring one ignorant teacher) I have never been blamed for my LDs. So, I willingly explain my LDs to all that ask. But I'm not so open with others regarding other diagnoses.
I am semi-ashamed of my history of anxiety and depression. Too often, I was told I should just 'snap out' of it. Too often, I felt people blaming my issues of some moral failing of mine. But I am much more willing to admit to anxiety and depression than I am to admit to having had an eating disorder. If depression is often seen as a moral failing, an eating disorder is all too often seen as a mortal sin, an epic failure. Eating disorders carry unique shame- and once people know about my past with them, I never feel safe from judgment. I know that my family still watches what I eat carefully and every time they visit me in college, they are looking at my body for signs of self-induced starvation. They don't seek out evidence of anxiety or depression with the same fervor.
I also overhear the statements that make it clear the speaker thinks eating disorders are a product of being a spoiled, middle-upper class female who is simply obsessed with looks and weight. All too often, people think that eating disorders are products of the desire to look good, not products of abuse, bullying or family issues perhaps combined with the pressure to be thin and/or an obsessive personality type. The reasons someone has an eating disorders are often reduced to simple vanity. Who would want to share their past experience with an eating disorder when that is judgment you can expect? I feel that people judge and blame me for my eating disorder in a way that they would not dream of judging me for my multiple learning disabilities.
Sexism plays a huge role in this of course. I don't think it is a coincidence that learning disabilities and anxiety and depression are more gender-neutral than eating disorders which are undeniably gendered female (though, of course, men can have eating disorders as well.) I feel ashamed of my past with this disorder because eating disorders are associated with being a girl and a vain one at that. Depression is associated with laziness of course, but somehow, for me, I have gotten the message that having an eating disorder is much, much worse than having had depression. In fact, among people my age, I would estimate that around 50% have experienced depression. Of course, my sample is a bit skewed because I am a psychology student and many people choose to study psychology after a bout with mental illness.
All stigma around mental illness is problematic of course. But I find it interesting to observe my own experience of stigma and how gender interacts with my experinces. However, I am committed to trying to fight my shame and combat all stigma. I am an art student as well as a psychology student and my capstone project is going to be a series of sculptures based on my diagnoses. I want people to get a sense of what it has been like to have had these experiences. I want people to see that the strong, confident, good student they see has struggled and, to a certain extent, still struggles. I want to live in a world where mental illness is not terribly stigmatized and where my telling folks I have had an eating disorder or depression or have learning disabilities is not something that will cause them to judge me as less than. American culture is far from that place. But someday, I hope we will get there.
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JoanofArc,
I can totally relate to this. I hope that you have a good support system that understand your experiences with mental health, and know that you are not alone. I suffer from Crohn's Disease (an auto-immune, inflammatory bowel disease), and have had depression and anxiety from a very young age. I also struggled with an eating disorder, as well as cutting. I was just recently put on Wellbutrin (in addition to the Prozac I already take) for Seasonal Affective Disorder.
That's a lot, I know. I'm "fucked up," I'm insightful, I'm an artist, musician, lover, friend, feminist, sister, daughter, partner. Despite my battle with mental health "stability," my worth hasn't changed.
I've been angry at myself before for feelings of sadness, or no motivation, no energy, etc., but I've always been fairly open about the fact that I might need antidepressants or other medicine to be mentally stable for the rest of my life. I've seen female friends of mine struggle with this, saying that they know that they are depressed but "refuse medication." I have found it personally empowering to share my experiences with others openly, and for the most back, have gotten good vibes and good feedback from people.
I still go to counseling. Every week. I'm coming to terms with who I am, and...
I'm alright. I hope you are, too.
Thank you so much for sharing. I, too, suffer from an eating disorder, and I always have such shame admitting it - because so many people do write it off as vanity, or my favorite, that women with eating disorders are just dumb bimbos brainwashed by the media. Either we're infantilized or villified for being mentally ill.
Best of luck to you in everything. At the very least, we know that eating disorders are not our fault, they're not the fault of excessive vanity or stupidity - it's a mental illness. In that part, we're without fault.
You are the first person I've ever seen mention having dysgraphia, which for me is kind of nice because I have it too, among many other issues.
I've decided to be pretty load an open about what is wrong with me, of course working with a service dog outs me anyway. I am lucky in that sometimes have the spoons to speak out.
Loud and open. Gah, I hate my typing.
I've experienced a similar thing with my depression (although to a lesser extent), of my family panicking when I'm remotely unhappy. But I disagree that eating disorders are so gendered - from what I remember (I'm a psychology student too), 90% of people with eating disorders are women, but depression and anxiety disorders occur in women twice as much as men. (So there is obviously some impact of gender.) But the stereotypes about these mental illnesses reflect those about women: for anxiety disorders and depression, that they're hysterical, and for eating disorders, that they're extremely vain.
When I say eating disorders are gendered, I mean when I say eating disorder, the image that pops into the head of 99% of the population is that of a girl. When I say depression, the image that pops up is not necessarily female, though females do experience the majority of depression. We see male characters on TV and in films with depression, but it is almost unheard of for a male character to have anorexia.
I'm glad so many of y'all liked this article. I think it is a fascinating topic and I am enjoying hearing your responses to it.
Joan
I relate very much to this. I have a cycle of depression, a few years of crushing pain here, a few good years there and yes, people treat me with kid gloves occasionally. Because I tried to kill myself it is not uncommon for friends and family members to make me promise not to hurt myself, or do something 'stupid'. Ironically this worry from my nearest and dearest blights my good days and further darkens my bad. I do feel like an utter failure and I still feel now as though I have ruined my life to an extent. The same goes for my eating patterns. I don't feel I have had an eating disorder however depression knots my stomach and makes it impossible for me to eat. I naver even saw that coming. People now eye my plate and ask my why I am not eating. Many ask me why I am on a diet and some even tell me they are jealous that I eat so little!!
I must say that to me the post was beautifully written, eloquent and above all something I know a lot of us can relate to. Thank you.
That describes me as well. I'm currently in a depressive stage and am having a difficult time eating.
As I struggle to eat enough to keep me going, I find the eating-disorders-are-caused-by-vanity attitude extremely frustrating. I don't look well, and the more I lose, the more I want to cover myself up and hide my body.
I knew more anorexic boys than girls growing up, but I also recognize that it was my involvement in the wrestling team (I kept stats) that led to that exposure.
I'm working to drag myself out of this, and feel that I'm fairly supported. My parents were actually the worst about giving me grief for being depressed, and I simply haven't told them about this bout.
Mmm. I've suffered from depression and anxiety, and still suffer from anxiety. So has my mother (though for her, more like bipolar disorder, never diagnosed).
I guess what REALLY pisses me off is the ancient "crazy bitch" stereotype: When people brush off women's concerns and opinions as "over-emotional" and "nuts," when we're deemed "crazy" simply because we're on our periods, etc. But stereotypes of mentally ill people in general also abound.
There's an interesting history surrounding women and mental illness. One of my past professors wrote a short treatise on race, sexuality, and madness that I've found so fascinating: http://www.amazon.com/Double-Crossings-Madness-Sexuality-Imperialism/dp/092187085X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256605077&sr=1-3 . (It may be in a nearby university library.) And you'd probably be fascinated by the history of "hysteria," and the housing of unwed mothers in insane asylums. Michel Foucault wrote a whole work on the insane asylum ( http://www.amazon.com/Madness-Civilization-History-Insanity-Reason/dp/067972110X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256605549&sr=8-2 ), though he's sometimes hard to wade through.
Anyway. :o) Thought I'd throw that in there, though these are more theoretical perspectives. Historicizing the idea of "madness," identifying with past women who were deemed crazy by society but who were really just too mouthy for men's comfort or stood up for their rights, or who generally otherwise pissed off the traditional folk, was always powerful for me, both for putting my own problems and the stereotypical sexist "crazy bitch" problems into perspective.
Fuckin' HATE the song "Crazy Bitch," BTW. Ugh.