Some quick background: I've had bad experiences with friends - relationships in general - in the past. My role has always either been doormat or caretaker, so I have been treated as such. Two years ago was when I ended my first (and only) serious romantic relationship (it lasted four years), and thus lost the last friend I had. I had some friends after that, but they fall more into the "I'm a doormat and you're a moocher" category. Not real friends. Unfortunately, that is where the majority of my friendships have gone. I don't know if I've ever had a good, equal relationship with another person.
Fast forward to now. Two years later. I'm in college, studying something I love, and busy all the time. It's awesome. What free time I do have is given over to the things that I love but, because of my previous "doormat" status earlier in life, was never allowed to partake of. (Hint: I'm not a doormat anymore.) So now I can read comics to my hearts content without someone telling me how stupid they are. I can listen to whatever kind of music I want and not worry whether anyone else will like it. Whenever I go shopping - for anything - the questions list not as, "Will they like it?" but "Do I like it? Can I afford it? Do I need it? What will I do with it?" "They" never seem to come up anymore. It's wonderfully liberating.
So I bet you're wondering why I'm complaining about my awesome freedom, right? Well, apparently I'm not supposed to be so excited about my "loner" status. Nope. I need friends, and I need friends pronto. My mom tells me we're "social creatures." My sister tells me that healthy, normal people have friends, and that's all there is to it. Even though I don't want friends, I feel like I should want friends. Like, the only reason I'm not actively pursuing a social life is not because I'm just too damn busy (I am) but because I'm scared of being hurt, or I'm scared of being a doormat, or I'm scared of something else that I can't think of right now. So what's the deal? Am I perfectly normal in my desire to not want friends, or am I in denial?
Disclaimer: I know that the people here aren't my therapists, and I'm not asking anyone to analyze me and assure me that I'm healthy. I'm just looking for alternative thoughts and opinions.
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There's nothing at wrong with being a loner. Some people are are like that, and others are not. For those that are not, it can be quite difficult to understand how or why anyone would enjoy keeping to themself.
If you are enjoying yourself with your loner lifestyle, then embrace it. We human beings are social animals, but that doesn't mean every individual requires the same amount of social interaction. Take your fill of interaction as you want it.
I recommend reading Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto. I didn't agree with everything in the book, but it did help me a great deal in comming to terms with and accepting my own loner tendencies.
I'm a proud loner.
I myself am more comfortable with my own company, though I do need a certain amount of interpersonal face to face time or I feel lonely and awful. One of my reservations of moving in with my partner is that I was so used to be independent and solitary, and yet I craved a serious relationship. For right now, at least, we're making it work.
But as for having to have a good bit of time alone, it's something as an introvert I demand for my own health. Engaging in the world itself is often scary, but I have trained myself over the years to put myself out there and at least feign being social.
If you're at a certain level of happiness not dealing with people, and that level decreases when you do deal with people, what's right is obvious. If anyone questions you, just explain that to them; if they can't comprehend how not being around people might make you more happy, that's their problem.
Hey, if not having close friends works for you and makes you feel good about yourself, then there is no problem at all.
Maybe your mom and your sister need to have a bunch of people in their lives - and that's all fine and good for them but if YOU don't need that in your life, then keep on doing what you're doing - and you don't have to justify yourself to anybody!
What's important is what makes YOU happy - not what anybody else thinks!
Another proud loner here. I go crazy if I don't get any 'loner time' throughout my day. But I also crave social interaction, just at a much lower frequency.
I find it quite liberating to go to certain places alone, the cinema, art gallerys etc. because I can do 100% what I want and not have to compromise. Or perhaps I just haven't met anyone that matches my random tastes closely enough. At some point however, I feel as if it would've been even better to have shared that experience so drag along a few friends.
Chris McCandless (of Into The Wild fame) famously said: Happiness only real when shared, before he died of starvation alone in Alaska. Harsh. I don't agree. I think sharing experiences can be very fulfilling, but that spending time alone is equally as important and enjoyable.
I can see both aspects of it. I have a large group of friends, but I see most of them once or twice a year (I moved out of London to Brighton 5 years ago, my closest friends all live up there). I love it down here by the sea, and enjoy the lively bar scene etc and I have made acquaintances through work and so on. I have a girlfriend and so I have made new associations through her. For the most part though, the people I would call my 'friends' the ones like family to me, I see very little of. I don't find this hard. I speak to them on the phone every now and then. Consequently a large part of my time is spent alone. Again I don't find this hard. I value having time to myself, my girlfriend understands this and not having a hundred friends living round the corner means that I can spend my evening in, reading, writing, watching films. Weekends can be spent going for long walks, filled with lazy long lunches. So I don't think you have anything to worry about. You clearly enjoy your own company, you clearly don't feel like a 'freak' for enjoying your own company. And, assuming you have someone to talk to if you feel like confiding in someone (your sister?) or want an opinion, or need a hug, I don't see any harm in being self sufficient.
troll
As someone who was always the doormat in my previous friendships, I have to say I'm glad that you have gotten out of those. I know it was hard for me to tell myself that I don't need those people, they do not make me happy. I do envy your ability to be a loner. I guess I'm just more wired to need people. I can't stay alone by myself for long. Lucky for me I have a great boyfriend/best friend who I don't mind spending most if not all of my time with. Of course, I don't have many strong friendships outside of that, so I don't see many people. And that is okay. Not everyone is gonna have 20 billion friends and party all the time. I've been there. It's tiring. I have friends I can hang out with once a month if I get an itch to go run around and have a night out and that's good enough for me right now. I think right now what is best is you focus on yourself and what makes you happy. It's important after such harmful relationships. Maybe after a year or two you'll want to make some friends. Maybe you won't.
Point is, it's your life. Live it how you want to, not how others think you should want to. :) I wish you luck in your life as a new non-doormat! It is definitely a freeing and wonderful feeling.
pmsrhino already pointed out: it's your life, your decision.
I went through a phase without friends. Looking back, it wasn't always easy, but I was okay with it then.
Nowadays, I really enjoy sharing things in my life with a couple of other people. Books, politics, laughter.
BUT these are people I like. And I still guard alone time. So I'd say, don't shut out people, but do what you enjoy, and if you enjoy certain people, by all means do! And if not -so what?
I'm pretty much a loner. I like people, but I don't like spending most of my time around others. I prefer to be alone. It makes me happy. I think I'm fairly normal. I have a few friends, but we only see each other occasionally. I think that if you are happy alone that is fine and healthy.
However, I do think it is important to think about why you don't have friends. If you have made the choice, that is great. But if you have fallen into a pattern and WANT to change, that is whole different kettle of fish.
It sounds like you are a loner by choice mainly. I've been both: the isolated kid who just didn't know how to do friendship right and was scared to try. However, I now know how to make friends and just choose not to have tons of them. I was unhappy when it was just a pattern; now that it is a choice, I am happy. So I do think the reason that you (generic you) don't have friends is important to consider.
Joan
I'm going to come at this from a slightly different point of view and say it sounds to me like you are missing out plus there have been many studies done about the multiple mental and health benefits of friends. Your past negative experiences with friends sound like they have kind of soured you, and it sounds like you have grown as a person since then or at least started to (you aren't a doormat anymore) and don't want to get sucked back into that role. I read your post about the freedom from feeling you are being judged for what you like or having to consider if your friends will like something you do before you purchase it and the fact that you felt this way before is not really something that is present in healthy friendships where you have a strong sense of self and security in who you are. I have friends yet I don't worry about any of these things when making a purchase, engaging in something I like to do, etc. My friends respect me, would not call my music/books/clothes/whatever stupid, and if they happen not to like something I do (though they wouldn't be mean about it) it doesn't bother me. We are all different. Maybe I don't like something they do. It isn't a big deal. I guess what I am trying to say is that you don't have to sacrifice friends to have that freedom. You can have both if you are at a healthy place with who you are and choose your friends wisely. I personally don't have a lot of friends, probably far fewer than most people, because I do like to spend a good bit of time alone, I am selective about who I get close to, and I am kind of shy at first and introverted. That said, the friends I have now are a source of support and enjoyment and I even learn from them. They build me up, not tear me down. They help me to feel emotionally healthy, explore concepts of myself, and help me from the mistake I once made of being completely dependent on a significant other for emotional fulfillment. In psychology classes I learned that the social area of one's life is one of the areas that needs to be balanced and healthy just like the mental and physical. I realize that means different things for different people. Someone might have their needs met having a good chat once a month and someone else may need to interact with friends multiple times a week. I just know that I learned and got joy not only from the academics that I loved in college but also from the conversations and adventures I engaged in with a friend. I also know that during a period of life when I did not have friends (new to college) I felt like I wasn't super lonely, but once I made friends I realized how much happier having them made me. I realize I am only speaking from personal experience but once you feel that are confident and secure enough with who you are that you will not allow yourself to be used or lose your sense of self or place to much value in the opinions of others concerning your interests/tastes why not open yourself up slowly to a friendship with someone? Try them out and see if they are the type of friend who will enrich your life instead of detract from it. You might find someone who even enjoys similar things as you and can discuss those comics with you or who is opened minded and interested in learning or trying something you like.