I recently ended a relationship with a man who was a self-identified feminist. The reason it ended was because he became very religious and no longer held religion to the same standards of equality as he did the rest of life. For a long time I tried to understand- I read and read about women in Orthodox Judaism hoping that I could find where the traditions were fair and equal. And, well, I couldn’t. In fact, what I found was much much worse than what I had known to begin with. Some of it really surprised me as someone who has grown up Jewish, and I felt a strong need to write about it.
I already knew that in Orthodoxy, women can’t be Rabbis. (women in Open/Modern Orthodoxy can go through Rabbinical school, but in the end will be given a different title) I knew that women weren’t allowed to bless the Torah or read it in front of mixed company. Really I could write pages and pages on the things that are sexist and unfair, and I may write another blog about it soon. But I wanted to touch on one big issue that shocked and disgusted me.
That is the problem of Agunot (plural of Agunah, meaning “chained”).
The Jewish Orthodox Feminist's Alliance (JOFA) calls agunah “one of the greatest crises in the Orthodox world today.” Basically, in order for a halachic (lawful in Judaism) divorce to happen, a husband must offer his wife a “Get,” (basically a Jewish bill of divorce) and she must accept it. A man may refuse to offer one to a woman wanting a divorce, just as a woman can refuse to accept it. However, if a woman refuses a divorce, a Jewish court can grant the man a divorce. If a man refuses, they can only grant a woman a divorce if she can prove that the man had a preexisting condition that he did not make her aware of before they were married. This is made even more difficult by the fact that there is a halachic assumption that TAV L'METAV TANDU ME'L'METAV ARMELU (a woman would rather be in any marriage than be single) Also, if a man remarries after his wife did not accept the Get, his children have no consequences. If a woman remarries having not been given a Get, her children are Mamzerim (bastards) meaning that they can only marry other Mamzerim.
Okay, I hope that wasn’t too dense. But it gets even better.
The chief Rabbinate did a study, and published that there were only 180 female Agunot in Israel. This was meant to show that the feminist statistics stating there are thousands and thousands of them are false. However, if you look closer at the study you will see that it is total crap. For instance, if there hasn't been a trial in the last 6 months, she isn’t counted as an Agunah. So if she's been stuck for a year and a half, she no longer matters. If the husband has said he will give the Get in exchange for full custody of the kids, no child support, or an exorbitant amount of money that the woman may not have, it doesn’t count because technically the man has offered the Get. If a woman is being beaten and has the money to pay a man $100,000 but refuses to give everything to a man who has been abusing her, of course, it doesn’t count. According to Amnesty International, the figures published by the Rabbinical Assembly also don't include “the thousands of women whose divorce requests are not considered sufficiently well founded by the religious courts to take measures against their husbands.” So a group of men are deciding what a woman should and shouldn't be able to handle in her marriage? Agunah is a problem. And the fact that these Rabbis would rather pretend it doesn’t exist than try to solve it represents an even bigger problem.
Women are not a part of deciding the rules that govern them. If the chief Rabbinate is in charge of dealing with problems like these but women can’t be Rabbis, then women don’t get to represent themselves. While this issue is a severe one, I think it represents a culture of women forced to be silent and stuck in their situations. Saying that men have the public arena and women have the private, and that is separate but equal is ridiculous. It leaves women without an official Judaic way of expressing themselves. In more liberal forms of Orthodoxy, where women are allowed to run their own services or attend the main service sitting separate from the men and never leading, it is still women leading the "other" service. Not the real one. In this culture it is no surprise that from these gender roles a huge issue like these chained women has arisen.
The boyfriend I mentioned earlier once told me that by speaking for these women I was taking away their voices. Who was I to say they were oppressed if they were choosing to stay in Orthodoxy? And I think that is a valid statement. But when women are expected not to say anything, when they are shunned by their communities for going against a tradition of silence, and when they are expected to accept abuse to protect the image of their husbands, how can they speak for themselves? In order to stand up for themselves they must leave their families and communities. They must leave a religion that they may love deeply because of its scholarship, emphasis on education, and beautiful traditions, in order to protect themselves from the traditions that harm them. If a woman has accepted her oppression, does that make her less oppressed? If she has been taught from birth that her God-given place is this one, does that means it fulfills her? I don’t know- maybe it does. But I really really doubt it.
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Cultural relativist apologia incoming in 3,2,1,...
I've spoken with Orthodox women and men who really, truly believe that the religion promotes separate spheres that are absolutely equal to each other. I can't wrap my head around it - I've listened and respected their view of their experiences, but it all seems very women-on-pedestal and myth-of-male-weakness to me.
For example, the bit you mentioned about women being given their own services, it was explained that once women are given authority, men cede it and get lazy. The Orthodox Jewish narrative that I've heard thinks that men have to be prodded and coerced into taking up responsibility.
They also point to passages in Genesis that some people say show women's subservience and say that it's actually showing that women are the true power behind the men.
As I said, rather women-on-pedestalish. The people I was speaking to seemed flabbergasted at my assertion that these sorts of ideas were just as insulting as women-as-subservient. If anyone has any interest in learning more, the book To Be A Jewish Woman by Lisa Aiken seems to be the noted voice on the subject. It's a frustrating read for me, because I interpret the Torah very differently than she does.
I actually didn't know that there WAS a Jewish Orthodox Feminist's Alliance - I'd be interested to find out more about why they stay Orthodox, although I imagine they must have a similar feminist philosophy as I do (changing from within, rather than leaving).
Just wanted to clarify, since I'm not sure my 2nd paragraph expresses what I was trying to get out - the women have to have a separate service from the men because if women were given authority over both women and men, men would step back and let women run everything. In order to get men to take charge, they have to be put in a situation where they're forced to - so saying women can only be in charge of women forces men to be in charge of other men.
I wanted to express that more clearly because it just demonstrates this strange inverted version of "yay women!" that really isn't doing anyone any favors - I guess sort of a religious equivalent to the buffoon husband meme that we see in sitcoms and commercials.
Interesting. The rhetoric I've heard has been more along the lines of "Women are naturally spiritual and men are not. So men have to have rituals and women don't." Which to me sounds very sexist. And I've even read things from more liberal Orthodox Rabbis that acknowledge that this idea is nothing but a way to appease women who feel excluded from the rituals. Either way it promotes ideas that men are one way and women are another, they must stay in those boxes, and there is no room for anything else.
if women were given authority over both women and men, men would step back and let women run everything.
That's certainly the case in every Jewish household I'm familiar with.
Is this sarcasm? I hope so. If not, I'm sorry you've had that experience with Jewish households. I certainly have not. I have seen many different Jewish households that function different ways. My father, for instance, cooked dinner much more than my mother ever did. He picked us up from school more often. My mother cleaned more. My dad did more but it was pretty equal overall.
In every Jewish household I'm well acquainted with, there's a pretty even distribution of work, but most of the leadership is provided by the mother. This is Midwestern Conservative Judaism, however, not any sort of Orthodoxy.
I have to agree that women tend to lead the religious life within the household -- hence they get a pass from some of the daily mitzvot that the men are required to do. That's a pretty basic tenet of Orthodoxy.
I thought women are exempt from time-bound mitzvot because of menstruation/pregnancy? Or maybe the reason has shifted now that we live in a time when these things don't interfere with women's lives to the degree that they used to?
Actually, I do think there's some basis for the whole "dominant woman, submissive man" stereotype about Jewish households.
The Jewish conception of masculinity (at least among Ashkenazi Jews in the United States) is quite different from typical western masculinity, and I think that does often play out in Jewish homes (and in Jewish humor and media).
I'm definitely not going to argue that Jews are more enlightened about gender issues than the rest of the world (although Reform Jews are definitely way ahead of a lot of Protestant groups), just that as a culture we do have different conceptions about gender roles that play themselves out in unique ways.
We did have one of the first female prime ministers. She happened to be a disaster, but, but there she was.
True!
... but not all Jews include ourselves in the "we" of Israeli politics (or the Israeli polity in general...).
Fair enough, but Golda was undeniably a product of Jewish culture.
For sure.
Religion. Pah!
Also,
http://www.evilbible.com/
I'd like to point out that "Orthodox Judaism" is not a monolithic movement with any centralized group which decides policy. There are a lot of different streams of Orthodox Judaism, some of which entertain considerable debate about the role of women.
Most Orthodox Jews certainly do believe that women and men should have different roles in religious and married life. But as to the specifics, not all the details mentioned by the OP are accepted by all Orthodox Jews. I hope folks will be careful in their comments not to overgeneralize or paint all Orthodox Jews with the same brush.
The wikipedia article on this topic is actually a decent place to start to learn more about this issue: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Role_of_women_in_Judaism#Orthodox_Judaism
Yes that is important. Open Orthodoxy, Modern Orthodoxy, Haredi Judaism, etc are very different. I happen to think that even the most liberal isn't progressive enough for women, but yes. It is very different. The problem of Agunot is much more prevalent in the more conservative parts. And Orthodoxy has some great things about it- education and study as very emphasized, and there is a love of history and culture that is beautiful.
Thanks for bringing that up!
Well, as I am drunk, why not offend people on more than one post.
Being born in Europe, I am always a bit confused about you "strange" americans.
For example, I was surpried that there are americans out there that interpret the bible word for word....so very strange in my point of view.
Anyhow, I am not one to judge what average Joe or Jane does. Quite simply if the believes of one religion or polititcs or general position differ, don´t go that way.
This might be strange as a advice by a roman catholic, but well I´ll tell you something. I believe everyones believe is unique, no matter what religion you have (even if you have none). I have my deal with the creator and I won´t let anyone fuck with that....well just my 2 cent....
"Well, as I am drunk"
Congrats!
Yes that is important. Open Orthodoxy, Modern Orthodoxy, Haredi Judaism, etc are very different. I happen to think that even the most liberal isn't progressive enough for women, but yes. It is very different. The problem of Agunot is much more prevalent in the more conservative parts. And Orthodoxy has some great things about it- education and study as very emphasized, and there is a love of history and culture that is beautiful.
Thanks for bringing that up!
I don't have anything to say about Orthodox Judaism, but I hugely recommend Disobedience, a novel by Naomi Alderman. It's about a bisexual woman who has fled from her tiny, repressive, Orthodox Jewish community in London, and now must return to bury her father. It's just a fantastic book and may help people see some of the complexities of the issues religious people deal with in the clash between tradition and cultural evolution.
Thanks for the recommendation! I would also recommend the play "Women's Minyan." Its the true story of a woman who was kept from seeing her children because she left her abusive husband. Its a very interesting read.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important subject.
If you'd like to keep up-to-date on news related to the agunah issue and all issues of religion and state in Israel, please visit Religion and State in Israel and @religion_state on Twitter.
Joel Katz
Editor, Religion and State in Israel
I think the issue of shunning is really important, because it does limit any genuine choice for women in traditional communities. In order to obtain their freedom these women have to abandon their families, neighbours and friends. It's like a form of blackmail that the culture exerts on them. This is why I think outreach is so important: women fleeing oppression from traditional communities need alternative social and economic supports. The main problem in some cases is offering these services in a language they can understand, since in certain cases women are discouraged or even prohibited from learning the mainstream language. The only thing is, you can't replace love. How can you tell a woman to forget her husband, father, brother, sister, mother and abandon her babies? This is the biggest chain of all.
What gets me most about Orthodox Judaism is that it is so deliberately separatist, much like the Amish. Both circle the wagons and prefer to live lives in their own proscribed orbit with their own specialized teachings. Orthodox kids are schooled in religious studies first and foremost and only are taught important things like conventional subjects because government says that they must. If it were up to them, they'd never teach even the basics we all were schooled in growing up. It would all be religious doctrine.
I can't imagine being particularly happy in either setting, but at least the Amish allow their youth the ability to try out the ways of the rest of the world.
Please look at Lily's earlier post about how there is more than one type of Orthodox Judaism.
I'd say your comment applies more to the Hasidic Jews than Orthodox as a whole - the people I've spoken to that I mentioned in my above comment self-identify as merely "Orthodox" but a more descriptive label would be Modern Orthodox.
You're an extraordinarily ignorant fellow.
Youre one to talk.
Ah, it's the little Concern Troll who hasn't figured out how to fake "concern" yet.
http://community.feministing.com/2009/10/open-letter-to-feministing-1.html
You should check out http://nolongerquivering.com/ - a blog (and forum) run by a former member of the christian 'quiverfull' movement. The woman who runs the blog is Brutally honest about herself, and the ideology she used to subsribe to, such as: homeschooling, biblical literalism, no contraception, woman as man's "helpmeet", modest dress, etc. It's not limited to christian themes though, for example, recently there has been a series of guest posts from a woman who was involved in the Hare Krishna movement. The forum is really amazing too, it's full of women who have experience with the patriarchal religions' more extreme methods of silencing and controlling women. It's disturbing to read how the stories of these women are so similar, the only thing that changes is which god is being worshipped.
Here is a tear-jerker of a video clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgoN_hG1c9Y (it's just a song with photos), and though it focuses on women in christianity I really think it's applicable to women in any patriarchal religion.
The gender dictates of Orthodox Judaism are constantly being challenged from within and thus, in a manner akin to the Anglican Church, Orthodox Judaism grows, changes, and constantly evolves. Particularly within the Modern Orthodox movement, which tends to be almost unrecognizable from the Ultra-Orthodox/haredi groups, it is a very exciting time to be a Jewish woman and a feminist. There are hundreds of small transitions within ritual that are changing the movement. For example, I've attended a nearby minyan (prayer group) that waits to start until they have ten men and ten women, rather than just ten men. Is this quite as egalitarian as the Conservative/Reform practice of just waiting for ten people? No, but it manages to preserve tradition while creating a distinct place for women. As another example, it is now quite common for the mechitzah (modesty barrier) to divide the seating equally so that everyone can see, rather than blocking the women's view.
In many Orthodox congregations, women are taking more and more of an active role in prayer, including starting all-female prayer groups and arguing (often successfully, depending on congregation), that they should be able to read aloud from the Torah. I would also recommend anyone to check out www.jofa.org to find out more.
Back to the problem of agunot, I would ask everyone to remember that most main streams of Judaism (including Modern Orthodoxy) work as a series of both individually and communally articulated renegotiations with an ancient, divinely-authored text. That means that we take the Torah and rather than rejecting it, we reinterpret it to fit the humanitarian needs of modern equality. In this case, that means trying to institute prenuptial agreements for Orthodox couples so that in the case of a divorce, the need for a get can be circumvented. My favorite example of this mindset: both Conservative and Reform Jews now ordain gay rabbis despite that line in the Bible that bothers so many Christians. I firmly believe that Orthodox Judaism will get there too; they just take their Torah a little more literally than the rest of us, so it takes them longer to figure out a new doctrinal stance.
Religion is a wonderful thing when people engage with it intellectually, rather than just obey. That's as true for Orthodox Jews as it is for anyone else.
Just correcting myself- The official Reform position is that the Torah was divinely inspired, yet written by humans, so not "divinely-authored." I also don't mean in any way to imply that Orthodox Jews read the Torah better than any other denomination; they just put more weight in the exactness of the words.
I don't think it matters that it's religion - men tend to dominate everything. They (we?) start the wars, design shoes women can't walk in, control everything possible, so, of course, religious organizations are perfect - you don't have to be bound by logic. "Faith" allows you to do all sorts of stupid, unfair stuff, because you found a verse of scripture that can be twisted to support it.
BTW, a wonderfully written and thought out article. Makes you proud!