I am an adult disabled person living with my parent. He is not, and has never been physically abusive with me. But there is infrequent emotional abuse that is unprovoked, uncalled for, and over the top with personal insults. Yesterday there was another explosive episode. It is really causing me so much pain, even though this doesn’t happen frequently.
I spoke with my mother today about the argument yesterday (my parents divorced when I was young). I knew they’d had some crazy arguments when I was young - but I didn‘t think there was any violence. Today I found out that my mother had to get a restraining order against him at one point during their marriage, and he was court ordered to get counseling. He has always maintained that the counselor said that he was more stable mentally than she was, and which is why he was ultimately awarded custody of us, but my mother says that he got custody because he threatened her.
My father has NEVER been violent, or threatened violence with any of his children, although he did get very angry and yell. My mother has been the one who was rough with me. As a baby/toddler she pushed me, screamed at me, and threw things.
Now that I know all these things about my father I can‘t stop thinking about it (especially the new info in addition to the terrible tirade from him the day before). I don’t want to live with him anymore, but I don’t really have any other options. I need constant care and there’s no one else in my family who is able to take care of me. I know everyone says this, but he truly does love me and wouldn’t be able to take care of me like this if he didn’t. Out of everyone in my life he’s given above and beyond anyone else when it comes to my caretaking - he’s here full time and any one else is less than once a month. But I can’t stand to be around him anymore. I have so much anger. I’m angry how he treated my mother, and indirectly caused her to hurt me. But I’m angry at my mother for directly hurting me. I’m angry at my father for having such an anger problem that we had to be afraid of it. I wish I was healthy so I could just move away, but my disability is so severe that I really can’t do anything for myself and need the constant care. I don’t want to go to some nursing home - I’ve heard too many stories about that to trust it. One time in the past when he exploded emotionally, I called a nearby shelter because it was having such an emotional impact on me. I told them about my physical situation and they said that they were not handicap accessible and referred me to another shelter. Neither shelter would be able to care for me in the way that I need it. I just don’t want to be alone in this world - it‘s not just emotional, I need a someone to physically protect me because I am that fragile. It sucks that my family sucks, but they’re all I’ve got right now and they’ve helped me in a lot of other ways.
I know it’s unlikely that my father will go to counseling. He never even apologizes after he blows up at me. But, I really wish that there was some way I could get him to counseling. I wish he could admit that he has an anger problem and at least apologize for the harm it’s caused me and my family. He thinks he’s just “tired” or “stressed” and he doesn’t acknowledge how real and painful it is for me. I’ve tried to tell him in the past and even recently how much it hurts me. But he refuses to believe it. I don’t think he knows how bad it actually comes across. Someone advised me that if I stay for now, that I have to express “boundaries” but I really don’t want to piss him off again. It does no good to tell him not to get like that when he gets angry because he hasn’t stopped being like that. I’ve considered going away to some residential mental health place, but again, I don’t feel like I could trust anyone, I don’t feel comfortable around men I don’t know, and I don’t believe I will be able to get all of my physical needs met. I tried going away to a friend’s house a few years ago when I really wanted to leave here, but the friend was just not capable of taking care of me, and I was in so much pain by the time I got back home. It’s causing me pain now just to even type all this. I’m not sure what I want to accomplish with this post, because I can’t see any really good options for me right now - I’ll either suffer mentally or physically no matter where I go, it seems to be a choice I always have to make. I wish there was a safe place where I could also get my physical needs met.
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You are good to recognize that your current situation is not a healthy one. Perhaps do you have friends willing to take you in for a short period of time until you find a more permanent means of residence?
I recognize that financial limitations are numerous when you are disabled, but perhaps at least looking into a group home or halfway house would be to your benefit. You are likely eligible for food stamps. I assume you draw SSI or SSDI? If not, then file for it. The check won't be much, but it will be something and you will have Medicaid to treat your condition.
The ultimate decision is ultimately yours.
You can't control other people, particularly those unwilling to change, but you can take control over your well being.
Good luck.
we here at feministing are always here for you whenever you need us. it takes a lot of courage to write about this kind of personal hell you're experiencing and i send you all my support and love. remember, you are not alone. there may be someone reading feministing today that needed to know that what they're going through, be it physical and/or emotional abuse, isn't only happening to them. they'll understand that they're not alone and realize just how much we all have in common with each other. so please, hold on to hope and if you ever need some place to go, feministing can be that place.
If you can, please email me. I'm a Disability Rights Activist, and I may be able to get you some help in you area.
anna@annaoverseas.com
I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering you're experiencing. It is not you, it is not your fault. There isn't much you can do to change another person, all we can ever change is how we respond. Your situation is incredibly challenging, and yet you know how much there is to be grateful for. You can't force him to get counseling, but, I hope you'll get counseling for yourself. You are not your situation. I see the light in you as it emanates off the page. Remember that your life is important. I see strength in your words. I hope you'll keep writing, keep a journal, and keep on keepin' on.
check out these links:
http://www.dralegal.org/resources/links.php
http://www.dralegal.org/resources/benefits_counseling.php
Can you call or email adult services near you? If you can get yourself a caseworker, they can help you handle things like finding housing and such.
A nursing home may not be an option, and I know the horror of institutions, but some assisted living homes are really homes, not rooms in a nursing home with a kitchen.
I wish I could be of more help.
Is it possible for you to get into your own home with home assistance? Are you on disability, SS, or SSD? Do you have a caseworker, yet? I wonder what social services can do to help you out?
Considering the major problem isn't just moving out but moving out and moving in with someone you can trust, who WILL give you the care you need but at the same time treat you with the rspect and dignity you deserve (ie no emotional or verbal abuse), I'd say you'd have to look into volunteer groups.
There maybe a place where you could in essence live on your own but qulify to have volunteers come by very frequently to give you the care you need.
Other note: Considering your mom was more abusive than your mother (tettering on physical violence via throwing things at you) how could you be so sure his anger at her wasn't a direct result of her anger at you? It's best if you're not sure where that cycle started to blame the individual for the individual actions instead of seeking a cause and effect for abusive behavior. Abusers aren't typically forced to abuse another person and they certianly aren't typically forced in choosing who their victim will be.
Get help from various sources. There is crisis support both online and via phone. Are you in the U.S.? Social Services can assess your situation and help you into a better place. Your well being is your only priority.
http://www.ssa.gov/disability/