It sounds like your situation is something you should be talking about with a trained therapist or counselor. If you're still in college, you should be able to get free or subsidized counseling through your school. If not, there should be someone in your community who offers a sliding scale. You could also see about contacting support groups for survivors of rape and intimate partner violence.

That said, I have been in a situation like yours. From my perspective, it sounds like the friends who are urging you to contact B again don't respect your experience and perception of the situation. Here's what you need to understand:

(1) B emotionally abused you. It's not clear to me from your story whether he was also your rapist or if this was someone else... but either way B clearly abused you and traumatized you. This is not your fault. You recognized it, you got away from it, and you are on your way to healing.

(2) It is not your responsibility to help or fix B. He's probably a pretty messed up guy to begin with (after all, he abused an awesome woman like you, right?), and it sounds like he thinks that talking to you again will somehow help him. But that is not your problem. Women in general, and women like us in particular who find ourselves with needy and abusive guys, tend to have the idea that it is our responsibility to fix our partner's problems and be there for them all the time, and to put that person's healing before our own. You are going to have to break out of this mentality and accept that there is NOTHING you can do for B, and nothing you SHOULD do for him. Unless you think it will bring YOU some benefit or closure, don't meet with B or talk to him for his sake.

(3) You need and deserve friends who support you. If you have told your friends that B abused you and they are still trying to get you to communicate with him, then they are ignoring your needs and indeed putting you at risk for further abuse. You can try telling them one more time something like, "Hey, I know it's hard for you guys to understand what our relationship was like since you were looking at it from the outside. But for me, it was hurtful and traumatic, and B did not treat me right. I don't need to be in contact with him, no matter what he thinks he needs from me. Please respect my decision to stay away from B for my own mental and emotional health, and stop trying to persuade me to do something which would hurt me even more." If they can't understand and respect you after you put it them like this... then they don't deserve your friendship. Really.

(4) You are not crazy or weak. Recovering from abuse is a long and difficult process, and there are women all across the world who are having a similar struggle. It will take time, and it might take some difficult decisions (like stepping back from friendships which aren't helping you heal), but you will get there.

Good luck, and stay strong! You can do this!

What Lily A said. Your description of your feelings sounds like Post-traumatic stress. Perhaps you can get therapy, at least to talk to someone who isn't in your social network, should you feel the latter can't quite handle what you are going through. The people *pushing you* to contact an *abusive man* are his collaborators. They are NOT your friends. They are the enemy. Run. Block their emails. Send them a warning not to contact you again. If they call, tell them to stop and that you will contact police should they once again ignore your wishes. They are stalking you as much as B. *You* should not be the one to move. They have the legal obligation to leave you alone. Thank gd you have a new relationship and, presumably, new friends and a new social network. You are not alone. Keep reaching out to those who *will* support and validate you and leave behind anyone who doesn't. It's your right.

Something else I would suggest is
if you haven't already get a
protective order. He will not
be able to contact you himself
or through anyone else legally.

Once you have/if you have be sure
to regularallt report any
violations of said order. By doing so
you are mapping his abuse and
in the long run, be able to jail him
for such offenses.

It's just on option. Aside from that

Everything Dark Presephone
times ten! You going to be alright.

Your story sounds much like mine. I often find myself becoming upset/anxious/angry at even the thought of my previous abusive relationship. There definitely needs to be some sort of healing. Know that you are in a more independent and safe place in your life, but some wounds still need to be patched up. Lily A gives great adice on how to deal with this. You are not alone.

When I was 18 I found myself trapped in an abusive relationship. I can now recognize my own responsibility and naivety involved in that situation, but for lack of a better way to put it, I was a messed up kid.

First I want to address this "your own responsibility" thing, 'cause you're blaming yourself. Don't feel stupid for doing it though, I think anyone who's been abused does that (I still do it at times.) You have NO responsibility for the abusive relationship. He was the abuser, it's his actions and 100% his fault. Don't blame yourself, 'cause it ain't your fault. It's his fault he's a douchebag rapist. And naivety? I don't care if someone believes in unicorns or thinks they can poop gold, abuse is never the victim's fault.

If you can, go the legal route or if you're afraid to do that, get a trusted friend to threaten legal actions at your old friends (thats what I did when I was in a similar situation). I'm sure others who went that way have more clear ideas, but I also want to recommend the pandys board (google it) as a place for advice/support.

Don't bother talking with your old friends-block them on facebook, see if you can figure out how to block phone numbers, everything. They clearly do not respect you and are total jerks. Try and maybe set up your email so that it filters all of theirs to the trash-or a separate folder you get to name. (I called it "Evidence of Douchebagery" and went through it later with my lover to help eliminate the self-doubt they caused. That helped me a lot.)

Honestly, my healing came once I allowed myself to get angry at my rapist ex and all "friends" who backed him up. It's totally ok if you're too scared to do that now (understandably!), but I recommend that as a path to healing-or at least for getting rid of all the people who don't deserve to be in your life. Throwing icecubes in a bathtub is a great release, 'cause they break and don't hurt anyone/thing.

Also: therapy might not help or be for you. I tried several therapists and some of tried to accept my "responsibility" for the abuse. And some of those were "survivor" specialists. If you don't like a therapist on the first meeting, don't bother with them. If finding a good therapist is just not worth the risk to you, that's fine too. (Just try not to suppress your trauma instead of dealing with it. Easier said than done, I know.) Therapy is not a requirement of healing, and you aren't crazy.

Good luck and I hope you're safe.

Block those so-called friends. Your sanity is far more important.

Virtual hugs

Old acquaintances from high school have been calling, messaging, and e-mailing me begging my to contact B again. They seem convinced that he just wants to talk to me, and they still don't believe my side of things.: I don't understand why these people would be doing this. What do they care about him? What do they care about you BEING with him? wtf?

The best thing for me getting out of a controlling relationship was, honestly, to cut off ALL contact, totally, for a very long time. No calls, no mention of the name. I pretended like he was wiped from the face of the earth and got involved in other things I was interested in: hobbies, meeting new people, joining group activities. I realize that "forgetting" might be difficult or impossible for someone who's suffered a more serious assault. Is there a way you could ask your "friends from high school" to shut the fuck about it and stop harassing you and e-mailing about him? I don't understand why they would keep rubbing this shit in your face. Really, this guy isn't a good guy. Even if he was, you're not obligated to give a shit about him or "give him another chance." Fuck that. You don't owe him. I hear this same thing from a coworker I'm currently trying to convince out of an abusive relationship: "I feel like I should give him a second chance. If I just give him another chance, he'll change." (BTW, about 90% of the time, they don't "change"; change takes more than second chances to happen.) I'm like, what the fuck? You don't have to give him anything. He doesn't "deserve" shit from you.

Or, as someone else mentioned, block these "friends."

Sigh. Please just remember that people love you and care about you, you are a worthwhile person, intelligent, and generally awesome. :o) 'Cause you are. You are worth so much more than this scumbag. And us feminists need you. :o)

I can't add much to what others have said except that you have every right to demand distance. I myself made some very poor decisions because I felt needy and believed that because I too had bipolar disorder that I didn't really deserve anyone truly good for me. Instead, I believed that I ought to find someone who also had major problems, but as it turned out their problems were often much worse than mine.

Part of what I did was a product of being young and immature and part of it was a process I had to go through, but I put myself in danger and took some very stupid risks in the process.

Keep healing yourself.

Yup, it's your life. You get to decide who you want to talk to. And the ones you NEVER EVER want to see again.

I second a lot of what has already been said. You are important. Your desires are important. Follow them. Abusers tell you to distrust your feelings, and learning to trust them again is therefore very important.

Personally, I don't have that much experience with the situation, but if it's not too triggering for you, you may want to check out Fugitivus' blog. She, too, is recovering from abuse and rape and writes about it very lucidly.

Thanks for all the kind words. I have changed my phone number *again* and gone ahead and blocked telephone numbers that I KNOW I dont' want to hear from. I am in the process of getting a protective order, but I am having some difficulty for various reasons, partially the fact that the initial officers I spoke to seemed to view me as just a bitter ex-girlfriend. Even smirking at me as I told them I had no desire to ever see him again. Luckily I came in contact with some female officers who are being much more open-minded, and truly seem concerned with my well-being. Taking action is truly easing my emotions in a surprising way.

My current social-circle has risen to this occaision and I couldn't ask for more from them, I truly feel loved, protected, and strong with their support. Even though these circumstances are not ideal *in any way*, this situation has given me an oppurtunity to truly cherish what is in my life right now.

It warms my heart to know that I have allies everywhere! Thank you so much!