This week I found myself in the most pathetic internet fight ever. Well I guess an "internet fight" is pretty pathetic in general.
A certain male friend of mine that I've known for 5 years suddenly deleted me on some social networking sites. We live in different states so he pretty much cut off contact since we don't see each other in real life. I had a pretty good idea as to why it happened but I went ahead and emailed him about it.
Last week I told him I didn't appreciate Tucker Max's "humor" because I find it sexist and just stupid in general. He wanted to debate this but I really wasn't interested. I honestly didn't think it was that big of a deal but apparently it was to him.
So I emailed him asking him what in the world his problem was. I got a response that honestly didn't make a lot of sense to me. Basically he said he thought I was becoming "too extreme for his personal tastes" and that he is "very in the middle of the road with his views and prefers to discuss things in a rational manner". He also insisted it wasn't all about the Tucker Max thing but he wouldn't tell me exactly WHAT the problem was. He also brought up something about how he recently had "an unpleasant encounter with some hot-headed women's studies majors" and that "This really doesn't have anything to do with any issues I have or had with you"
So all I really got out of it was "I'm just now deciding that your personal views are extreme and irrational so I don't want to talk to you anymore. But hey, it's not you, it's me! Why are you getting so mad?"
I had to laugh at his claim that I'm becoming "too extreme" for him. If I'm extreme, I've been this way for YEARS. I guess I'm just more open about it. I think his issue is with feminism. I've been a feminist for a while but I think he's just recently realized it. When I joined Feministing's Facebook group, he immediately starting make all these SUPER HILARIOUS AND ORIGINAL (eyeroll) jokes like "So does this mean you're tired of men and will spend the rest of your life rubbing oil on other women's naked bodies?" Har har har.
At heart he is a nice person. And I swear he wasn't always a jackass like this. But now he's the type of guy who's pretty damn sexist yet has no idea that he is. You know what I mean? The type who doesn't understand why we're uncomfortable when random guys in public call us hot or sexy ("You should be flattered!") or thinks that liking women as merely sexual beings and not just as people means he isn't sexist. Or says things about girls like "She's really nice but she's what I'd call a jailbait ho."
Like I said, my "extreme" views aren't anything new...nor are they extreme. Politically speaking I'm very liberal on some issues but fairly moderate otherwise. And anyway, there's no way he wasn't aware of my views before last week. He apparently didn't have any problems all these years but now that he knows I'm one o' them evil man-hatin', uptight, bitchy feminists I'm "too extreme for his tastes" and by getting upset about him being an asshole I'm irrational.
I don't know. I'm pretty shy and I generally don't like confrontation. However, I've recently become tired of feeling like I have to apologize for who I am (Godless, feminist, etc) so I've chosen to be more open about my beliefs.
But fuck this, I'm not really comfortable being friends with someone who only seems to value me for having boobs and a vagina anyway.
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Why yes. Upon reading this story, it is obvious that you are irrational and extreme. Thank goodness there's someone rational and level-headed like him to put you in your place.
P.S. Note heavy sarcasm.
What I get from this is the words "extreme and irrational" are words that you put in his mouth. Were you quoting him? Because, if you were not, you are jumping to big conclusions there.
it also seems that, when he wanted to debate something with you, you were not interested; then, when you want to find out why he does not want to associate with you, you are getting upset that he does not want to discuss it with you. And, the bottom line seems to be that you are not that comfortable with him and his behavior anyway.
So, you should consider yourself lucky and move on.
-Jut
I was indeed quoting him, haha.
I was indeed quoting him, haha.
I was indeed quoting him, haha.
Fair enough.
When you said:
So all I really got out of it was "I'm just now deciding that your personal views are extreme and irrational so I don't want to talk to you anymore. But hey, it's not you, it's me! Why are you getting so mad?"
it just sounded like that was your interpretation (and it would be a pretty strange thing for him to say).
In any case, it does not sound like either of you care to relate to each other, so more power to you.
-Jut
Oops, sorry I didn't realize you were referring to that particular little blurb there. For some reason I was thinking of the title of my post, LOL.
He did tell me I was being irrational and extreme but that last little part was basically a summary/my interpretation of the emails he sent me, not a direct quote. That would be a weird thing to say, wouldn't it? :)
But you're right, it's gotten to the point where every time I talked to him I'd end up annoyed or uncomfortable. Disappointing that it had to ruin a friendship but oh well.
I agree with what you've written. There is one thing you've written that gets my attention, however. There are times when I was single that I have told women I was interested in that they're cute, attractive, or intelligent, purely as a compliment and certainly not in some bar or club setting. Usually I'm so afraid that being honest to that degree will be misunderstood I leave if off altogether, but when I do work up the courage, fortunately most women see it as truthful praise and not empty flattery. These certain aren't random women--they are those with whom I would like to pursue a relationship.
Some men are going to be threatened by the perversion of Feminism that gets peddled for truth. One of the toughest lessons of my life was recognizing that certain people, even those supposedly on my side were totally lost and that I was better off not having them around.
There are times when I was single that I have told women I was interested in that they're cute, attractive, or intelligent, purely as a compliment and certainly not in some bar or club setting. Usually I'm so afraid that being honest to that degree will be misunderstood I leave if off altogether, but when I do work up the courage, fortunately most women see it as truthful praise and not empty flattery.
FYI, this is not women's fault. You can thank misogyny and patriarchy for creating a culture in which women distrust men and are constantly on the lookout for dudes trying to get in their pants using "empty flattery" and the level of their attractiveness (which is the only thing that's supposed to matter to us which is why men assume it will be effective and why it often is). Sometimes it's even a safety issue (every woman has a story about the guy whose advances was rejected/rebuffed/ignored and didn't, uh, take it very well).
Sooo he was sexist, saved you the trouble of having to deal with him and you're upset that you don't have to deal with his sexism anymore?
If he thinks you're irrational and extreme that was reason enough to just say thank you and move on. Why take the insults in an attempt to save a friendship that was clearly one-sided immediately after he deleted you?