I had a really unfortunate experience growing up with a mother who was secretly mean to me at home but heaped praise onto me in public. She was and still is very distant emotionally and I don't really know who her authentic self is. I can only ever remember her talking to people about me as defined by my prizes and achievements. She actually became emotionally abusive in my early teens and would scream in my face for hours and hours on end. I didn't know it was abuse until nearly a decade later and I think I just used to disassociate and ignore it by day to survive. It affected my emotional and personal development in many ways. I ended contact with her a couple of years ago as she is still way up Denial Creek without a paddle, and it's too painful to deal with right now...
Anyway, after the recent community post asking how people came to be feminists, I've been reflecting on how I think I was drawn to feminism as a way of dealing with my situation.
Firstly, I think I was drawn to feminism to counterbalance the overwhelming reliance I felt towards the men in my life, particularly my father. I was always looking for a male 'rescuer' in my first romances, so unsurprisingly they were fairly imbalanced and age-inappropriate relationships and I'm lucky to not have been taken advantage of.
Secondly, when I was first introduced to feminism I remember thinking that perhaps my mum would not have been so awful to me had she been a feminist and been able to articulate her frustration in meeting expectations in the roles of 'wife' and 'working mother'. I do feel really sorry for her as she must have been going through hell inside to act out that way.
Thirdly, I think my vulnerability made me very influenced by the strongest forces in the somewhat patriarchal and conservative (though thankfully not overly religious) community I grew up in. When I left home for more cosmopolitan surrounds during my university years I played up to pretty much all the expectations of young women (cringe). So gendered expectations were instantly familiar to me and easily recognizable when I heard them critiqued in the context of feminism.
What I find interesting is that so many of my feminist friends come from backgrounds with strong mothers or had a strong feminist influence in their lives. I'd love to know how your (good or bad) relationships with your mothers has influenced and defined you as feminists.
... This is my first post at Feministing, though I've been an almost daily reader for about 2 years now. It's great to finally join the community!....
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My mother was, in many ways, a sex-negative feminist which is something that was difficult for me to come to terms with since that is not how I believe one iota. Clearly she was uncomfortable with her own sexual expression and own sexual being. I believe that tainted her own viewpoints.
And yet, like her own mother, I get the feeling that she inadvertently favored me, a male, over my two sisters. While we both have a lot of similarities and always have, the fact that My Grandmother favored men over women must have made some impact, no matter how she might have attempted to resist it. When Mom married my conservative father, she put aside a lot of her more radical Feminist beliefs. Their relationship has always puzzled me. The best I've ever come towards understanding it is that my mother is secretly more conservative than she lets on and, conversely, my father is more liberal than he lets on.
Mixed bag my girl strong women can still make mistakes. Maybe your mom was tired or worried did you ask her when you did contact her .I didn’t see if you had. My mother can be meant it’s in all of us. Or game players or tiered of seeing men getting away with what women historically can’t. It doesn’t make it right it just is. If you think your mom will go off on you don’t ask or ask in public and be safe.
My sister doesn’t see our mother much at all and we have a sister taken/ given away. All families have issues some worse then others but if you can point out to your mother safely what you think is up do so. But be safe.
My experience of my mother has radically shifted from when I was young... As a youth, I lived in a super strict, conservative household. I don't have many memories of my parents that don't have something to do with "laying down the law." There wasn't much other parenting going on and very little relationship with mother or father. I know very little about them together or separately.
When I went off to college, I also "played up to pretty much all the expectations of young women (cringe)." I honestly didn't have many romantic experiences, though... as much as I, too, desired a rescuer. My turn down the path of feminism came subtly and through the increased need to rely on myself. My parents pretty much left me to my own resources for everything, so I've come to be comfortable in and value self-reliance.
My parents divorced about the same time I graduated from college. It was at that time that a relationship with my mother was thrown into my face. Where there had been no relationship before, there is now almost too much of a desire for one (from her standpoint). She didn't handle the divorce well, and has deteriorated ever since. I find her very needy, almost co-dependent, and it's hard to express anything more than a sense of obligation towards her.
My sister had a similar experience of mom to your experience, with verbal abuse being the key element. I had already left the house for school, and so never had that aspect laid at my door...
The day is coming soon when I think I'll find the courage to start a conversation with my mother about my youth and her treatment of my sister. It's taken years, a move across country, and some therapy to get to that point...