My mom's attitude on sex when I was a teen was, "I don't want to hear about it!" She wouldn't discuss it with me at all. She was okay answering questions about my body ("are black chunks in my period normal, or am I dying?") but as far as she was concerned, anything having to do with me + sex was none of her business.
I agree that my sexual choices were none of her business, but she never actually gave me the birds and the bees talk, nor would she give me an explanation of male anatomy or its functions, or how sex worked, or what a healthy sexual relationship is like. I think she assumed my older sisters would hear about all that stuff from their friends and pass it onto me. (She never gave my sisters The Talk, either. They ultimately learned everything about sex from me.)
Living somewhere that sex education in school was focused primarily around abstinence meant that most of what I learned was from reading romance novels, erotic fanfic, and finding explicit photos online. As you can imagine, I was very confused for a long time about Actual Sex, because porn and erotica aren't exactly modeled after reality. The one person in my life that could have given me the information I needed was my mom, and she wasn't talking.
I somehow patched together that sex should be fun and consensual and that condoms were very important. I'm not really sure how I figured that out, considering my information sources, but thank goodness I did.
When I first had sex with a guy, it was, suffice to say, a jarring and generally unpleasant experience. I kept it as a secret for the most part because the guy I had sex with was dating another girl. I told one friend and she accused me of being stupid for having sex-- what if I got pregnant or something? My sisters, who live to this day in the virtual monastery of my parents house, were likewise horrified and unsupportive.
Lost and confused, I tried to tell my mother and ask for her advice. Her reaction? "I don't want to hear about it."
Several unhealthy sexual relationships later, I found some great resources on sexual health and relationships. I did end up becoming an empowered, happy sexual person who (if I can toot my own horn) now has a great relationship with her husband and knows a lot about sex and my body.
Even so, I was angry at my mom for a long time for all but abandoning me in a very scary place where I had to learn everything on my own. But it made me wonder-- what if she was just as scared and alienated as I was? She didn't really have any friends of her own, and she married my dad at eighteen (her only boyfriend ever) before moving to another state with him, leaving her without a social circle for her entire adult life. Thinking I'd judged her too quickly, I decided to try to broach the topic with her one last time.
At first, she tried the staunch, "I don't want to hear about it" stance with me. Since I obviously couldn't approach it by asking her for advice, I instead made some joke about sex in my married life-- what, I can't remember now exactly. And something in her shields cracked. Giggling, half-whispering, like someone might listen in, my mom admitted to me that she thinks thigh-high stockings with the seam up the back are very sexy. Then she said in passing, "After twenty-five years of marriage, it would be an understatement to say we 'do it' once a day." After that, she went back refusing to talk.
Even so, that one glimpse into my mom as a person, rather than just "my mom," was such a revelation. I think she never talked to me about it just because she didn't know how. Not once in her life had she ever spoken to anyone about anything related to sex, so when her three daughters entered adolescence, my mom had no idea what to say. It wasn't that she didn't care about me. She really, honestly, was just scared.
I'm not entirely happy with how things have turned out. My relationship with my parents can still be strained at times, although moreso with my dad than my mom. I do wish she had talked to me. I wish all parents would talk to their kids and give them the sense and reason they need in a frightening world of misinformation and rumors.
But my mom is a person, like so many people in this world, who just didn't know what to say. And I think I can forgive her for it.
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My Mother was very uncomfortable discussing sex around myself and my two sisters. When Magic Johnson announced that he had AIDS (I am dating myself here) in the early nineties, I got a very uncomfortable talk from her about how I ought to be careful to use protection. Other than that, she never broached the topic.
Fortunately, my father told me about sex and though he and I have had a difficult relationship over the years, I will give him credit for informing me about sex and providing accurate, shame-free information starting at a very young age.
I think you and me have the same mother!
I had the same experience with my mother, except she is extremely religious and taught me and my five sisters total abstinence until marriage (just don't do anything)! Also, since we were home schooled I really wasn't that curious about sex until college where most of my friends were male. I was so naive that I put myself in several situations where I could have been raped and would have never seen it coming.
I have come to forgive my mother as well; I believe she had a rough upbringing with her alcoholic father which caused her mother to be quite hard and unapproachable.
For this reason (well, not JUST this reason) I have become close with my younger sisters who are 17 and 13. I always let them know that they can ask or tell me anything that they are uncomfortable to talk with our mother about. They have asked me about sex and birth control and the safest ways to go about things. Even though I really wish that our mother would just talk to us about such things I am glad that at least my younger sisters have an adult they feel comfortable talking to about sex.
so your saying wikipedia google or even an encyclopedia couldn't inform you?
did you ever consider that maybe that wasn't readily available to her? Its pretty classist to assume that she had access to that at all
well last time i checked libary's were free
and a lot of libraries have blocks on their computers which won't allow you to look at certain material. As well, you don't know how old the poster is and the internet may not have even been around when she was growing up. Not all libraries will carry sex positive books, or even books that talk about sex at all.
Believe it or not, there was no Wikipedia or Google when I was growing up. ;) I couldn't even get to a library without parental help, and what books I checked out were watched.
We had an encyclopedia in the house, and the section on anatomy (featuring photographs of naked models) were taped together so we couldn't see it.
My mom's sex talk consisted of telling me about sperms and eggs coming together make babies. That's it. I learned most of the details from middle school sex ed.
I too felt the need to connect in this area with her. I tried to talk to my Mom when I started having sex in my early twenties. Sure, I had read books and I could read sex columns and listen to Dr. Drew, but that's just not very reassuring and most of that stuff is just entertainment.
Anyway, the talk with Mom– what a disappointment! She giggled and joked about it like a ten-year-old. The worst part was when we went to visit my aunt and uncle and she starts joking around with them about what I told her. I never told her anything sensitive ever again, but when I talk to her on the phone she misconstrues every innocent thing I'll say about my husband as some sex joke. "Ew! I don't want to know! Ha ha ha!" Jeez.
I too feel like we have the same mother!!
My family is not religious at all, and my mom would consider herself a pretty open-minded, liberal individual. But she freaked when I told her I had sex. In her words I "sprung it" on her, but I didn't know how else to say it, and I don't feel like it should've been my responsibility to ease her into the idea gently as much as it should've been her responsibility to be supportive. After all, she knew I was on the pill, knew I'd been with my partner for 6 months. But I can't know what it's like to be in that position, I guess.
My older sister was, like yours, equally horrified and uncomfortable. BUT, and this is a big but, one of my closest friends picked me up and spun me around when I told her! She was so happy for me, so incredibly supportive and without judgment that I could've cried. I wish that every woman could have that same experience. it's not the same as having a mother's advice or support, but it's better than feeling alone. I'm glad that you're sex positive and informed now!