I've been a big fan of feministing for going on three years so I really respect the the thoughts an opinions expressed in the community, and obviously on the main page.
Sexism is so prevalent, and I notice it even in my own every day actions. I work at a law firm and since they have a small percentage of women attorneys I find myself assuming that all of the women I speak with on the phone are assistants (like me).
Keeping this in mind, I try to cut other people slack. I totally identify as a feminist, and try to rid myself of all of these behaviors that seem ingrained. So for someone who does not identify as a feminist, who maybe has not put in as much time and energy researching theory and keeping up with legislation, where do you draw the line?
I think a big part of being effective is choosing your battles, but it's pretty clear that regardless of when I react people say I am hypersensative. The thing is, I DO let a lot of things slide. And it is uncomfortable to disagree with your friends and family, but it is more uncomfortable to know that not speaking out can guarantee the same comments, "jokes" and otherwise sexist occurences to happen again.
Every time you hear or read a remark that is sexist or demeaning, how do you decide when to speak? What do you take into account?
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I tend to say something if it falls under one of two descriptions: 1) consistent or 2) egregious.
The reason is precisely because of what you said about being perceived as hypersensitive. If someone, or some group of people, says the same things constantly, that strengthens your argument and is more likely to make them relent because they're more likely to understand that they've crossed a line with you, even if they try to outwardly disagree. (aka. they may fight you on it, but afterwards you'll notice a reduction in stupidity.) If it's particularly egregious- e.g., when several of us (myself included) were complaining about a barely competent female manager at work, I called a guy out for saying she was in a bad mood because she was on her period- then you're telling them, "That is an especially stupid-ass thing to say." If that's not something you do often, it has impact.
Some people just ain't gonna listen. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try. But for the ones who will, in my experience this is helpful- drawing a line at a level that will impact behavior by lessening the extremes but not complaining about stuff the offenders consider so minimal that they'll think you must be crazy and thus disregard anything you say.
P.S. This is not the same as accepting sexism and such in life. This is about making dents in it. Overhauling culture in a place requires different actions, and often circumstances that allow for such change must be present- it's not possible everywhere at any time. Chipping away at prejudiced behavior usually is.
Try to strike the balance between tact and honesty. There are ways to point out that you don't appreciate what has been said that are diplomatic without seeming apologetic or spineless. As for what to call out, my advice is to find the remark at which you are best at logically refuting. If you've had personal experiences of being denigrated or insulted and if similar circumstances crop up again, you'll have a well-reasoned argument. The key then is being able to respond to offensive statements without responding with anger, which only inflames the situation further.
And certainly some people will always defensively say that you're overreacting. That's just a natural response.
I get everybody's good intentions here, and my comments are not dissing them. Isn't it interesting, though, how it's the responsibility of the person feeling insulted, bullied and even slandered, to be careful not to show anger? I mean, if somebody punched you in the face, you'd be ticked. Am I right? I get it might be counterproductive to show how upset you are, for example if someone is stapling your lip to the table, but excuse me for saying it's a natural reaction. Anyway, I understand it's a mine field out there. Any sarcasm and wit you can hurl at people to make them look like idiots while making your point will be gold. I would say if you aren't good at this sort of thing maybe you could get some "lifelines" to help out... :)
Physical violence is obviously a different kind of issue. If someone hits you, hit them back. If they're bigger than you, hit them with a brick. There's no reason to balance your reaction.
Let me clarify where I'm at, though- if getting angry will result in a positive effect, by all means go ahead and do it. It might be that most of my experience with confronting prejudice at work have come from me doing it, because the targets of it for the most part haven't, and I have no choice but to let some things slide if I want to have any effect at all- otherwise all I would hear is, "You're fucking crazy, the girls don't care, why do you?" But I have seen a few other people speak up, and in those cases the ones that have been letting it build are the ones that usually have a real overall effect. The ones who call everyone on it every time (or what feels like such) are more likely to be marginalized and disrespected.
That said, if you're constantly on people about sexist remarks, they'll get fed up and usually stop doing it around you. So for yourself and what you hear, it can be helpful. It probably won't change as much on the whole. Since my concern as a guy is by necessity to try and help everyone out, I tend to think of that as a less positive solution. But in the end, you gotta take care of yourself first. So if you need to put yourself in a comfortable spot first and foremost, hell, let 'em have it.
You might get denied a raise once or twice because of sexism; if you weren't living where you were, however, you might get stoned to death for being raped because of sexism. Then again, living where you are, you could be killed because some asshole thinks you, as a woman, are just a disposable adult.
This is really a serious issue; and I am totally against advising not responding with at least some degree of indignation/righteous anger. It is a personal issue, truly; and sexist remarks are a personal assault against you. They're like telling you that you are nothing but a slave of males, and that you will never be anything but that.
I don't advocate violence, because it is illegal... but you should respond as strongly as possible. Its worth it, if it causes one idiot in this stupid world to realize their idiocy.
I take account my relationship with those people and whether or not I will see them again, that can affect whether I think 1-It's worth it for me to confront them or whether I should let it slide and instead not hang out with them again or I should invest in the relationship by expressing my opinion 2- whether I can be very blunt with them and risk the relationship, or be delicate and tactful and try to preserve it.
I also take into account how I'm perceived in the group. If I have influence I will probably say something, instead if people don't know me well and the confrontation can be misunderstood and stereotyped, then I might think twice about it, or I might be more careful about how to say it.
It's easy to be idealistic from a distance, but it's a lot harder when speaking up might affect your reputation and/or livelihood. Not to mention that it can take a lot of time to come up with the right thing to say. When somebody above you in the org chart says something offensive, silence may be the best of the available options.
When you're dealing with a serial offender, though, you have the luxury of time to come up with just the right thing to say, and all you have to do is remember to say it.