I have come to learn a few things about relationships in my years. First and foremost is that if a guy is overly controlling then he probably is also an abuser. It has become very apparent in the past few weeks to me that my best friend's boyfriend is overly controlling, to the point of attempting to isolate her from certain people. I am not okay with this at all. I also don't really know what to do about it either. He is a very good guy, except for this one thing, and my best friend is madly in love with him. Is there any way that would be appropriate to address this without questioning her decisions? Or am I destined to sound like a bitch because I said something?
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The behavior you just described is emotional abuse, and is often a warning sign for physical abuse. Trying to control a partner's actions and isolate her from her family or social support network is a classic form of emotional abuse.
When I was in a relationship like your friends', I knew something was wrong but couldn't quite put my finger on how to analyze it, because I was afraid I would come to the conclusion that I would have to leave him, which I was afraid to do for a number of reasons. But along the way, my family and a number of my friends expressed their concern to me. The thing that made the most difference to me was one friend and mentor who said, when I described the guy's controlling behavior, "you know, that really sounds like abusive behavior." Although it took me a long time to accept and internalize what she said, it meant so much to me to know that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't weak or a traitor or insane for finally being unwilling to put up with the way he was treating me. When I finally gathered the strength to end the relationship, what helped me the most was remembering the various people who had expressed their concern and told me gently how unhealthy they thought this relationship was. It led me to start reading about abusive relationships and the cycle of violence, and helped me understand that my experience wasn't unique and that I had the power to get myself out.
That's just my experience, and your friend's may be different. But based on my experience, here's what I would do:
Sometime when you are alone with your friend in a calm environment, say something like, "Hey, I know you really love this guy, and he seems super-sweet in a lot of ways. But I'm pretty concerned about some of the things I've seen him do ( or 'some of the stories you've told me about him')." Then bring up some of the controlling behavior, ask her how she feels about it.
It might be that this guy is just insecure, and if she is able to stand up for herself and confront him about it, that he might understand that what he is doing is wrong and genuinely change (possibly with the help of therapy, depending on how serious it is).
It's also possible that this guy is a controlling, abusive asshole who seems really nice on the outside but is unable or unwilling to give your friend the respect she deserves. You can't force her to see this, but you can be there for her as she struggles to understand it, and you can help her know that she's not crazy for loving him or for wanting to leave him.
Good luck!
co-signing with Lily A.
I'll re-emphasize what she said first about control and abuse - control IS abuse.
You say "He is a very good guy, except for this one thing" - I don't think most abuse stems from someone being evil incarnate. Abusers have their own issues, mine had monumentally low self-esteem, father/stepfather issues, identity issues, etc. I think the abuse he put me through stems directly from those issues. Which is all to say, I wouldn't focus on whether or not your friend's boyfriend is a "good guy" or not - that's not the point. You could get hung up sorting out the nice things he does from the harmful things he does and trying to figure out if the good stuff outweighs the bad, and you'll never get anywhere. The point is his behavior is harmful, and your friend needs to get away from it.
I'll jump back to Lily A.'s comment now and cosign with her about how being told that it sounds like abuse is helpful - the thing that broke me out of my fog was a friend helping me realize that none of these behaviors were unique to my relationship. It was a pattern that all abusers adhere to, thereby taking the responsibility for his behavior out my hands and putting it where it belonged. It wasn't my inability to make the relationship work. I was young, I don't know if your friend is, too, but I had this idea in my head that I just hadn't been in an adult relationship before and that I was just screwing up all the time making him mad.
And yes, be there for her and let her know you are. If he's trying to isolate her, don't let her get isolated. Stubbornly always be someone she can reach if she needs to.
"And yes, be there for her and let her know you are. If he's trying to isolate her, don't let her get isolated. Stubbornly always be someone she can reach if she needs to."
This times ten.
Is this the same friend you posted about a little ways back?
she is dating the one I was referring to in that post. I have been friends with him for nearly as long as I have been friends with her. Its also kind of my fault that she is dating him, since they didn't know each other until I introduced them, and then because she was attracted to him made up excuses to invite him to things where she was going to be. I just don't get his behavior. I have never seen him like this at all, so its kind of perplexing to see him act this way
If you talk with your friend like Lily suggested and it doesn't go well, I think the most important thing you can do for your friend is to let her know that you'll always be there for her, no matter what. I'm sure it goes without saying that you would be (as that's kind of the point of being best friends) but if the situation worses and he further isolates her, she'll need to know that someone is in her corner when she does decide to leave.
This is a very hard situation to witness, and one I have experience with. I think it's wonderful to share your observations with your friend and tell her if she ever needs you down the line to get in touch. But that's where it ends with me. The key to any successful relationship is reciprocity and friendships with women in these kinds of relationships are very one-sided. They can't be there for you. It's hard to swallow, but on some level she is choosing to accept his controlling behavior and feels it is worth it. I personally don't get anything out of being in relationships with emotionally unhealthy people, so I cut them loose. I think if you do get something out of having a relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person it is a reflection on your own issues and that goes for romantic as well as platonic relationships.
This is a very hard situation to witness, and one I have experience with. I think it's wonderful to share your observations with your friend and tell her if she ever needs you down the line to get in touch. But that's where it ends with me. The key to any successful relationship is reciprocity and friendships with women in these kinds of relationships are very one-sided. They can't be there for you. It's hard to swallow, but on some level she is choosing to accept his controlling behavior and feels it is worth it. I personally don't get anything out of being in relationships with emotionally unhealthy people, so I cut them loose. I think if you do get something out of having a relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person it is a reflection on your own issues and that goes for romantic as well as platonic relationships.
Dear Crumpet -
I'm concerned about several things you've said here. First and foremost, I want to emphasize that abuse is never the fault of the person who is being abused. Abuse is a choice that the abuser makes to use power and control over their partner because they think that they have the right to do so. This means that all it takes to be abused is to fall in love with someone who chooses to abuse you. The person who is being abused might have previous experiences with abuse, or they might not - that isn't a determining factor in why they got into the relationship in the first place.
Second, while I can understand your unwillingness to be in a relationship, romantic or platonic, that isn't reciprocal, it's important to realize that if rmanning's friend is being isolated by her boyfriend, she doesn't have a choice about how/when/if she can be emotionally engaged in her friendships. He is making those choices for her, or making it incredibly hard and very scary to defy him. It's not because she wants to cut off her friends. I know it's frustrating to watch a friend stay in an abusive relationship, but remember that she is being told what to do all the time by her partner, and try not to judge her for doing what she feels she may have to do to stay safe.
Finally, as a few other people have said, it is incredibly hard to separate the good from the bad. rmanning's friend may be totally in love with this guy, and we need to recognize that as a valid emotion. She may not necessarily want to leave the relationship - she may just want him to treat her with respect. The most important this we can do for our friends who are in abusive relationships is to listen and believe them, tell them they're not alone, point out specific behaviors, and then get support for ourselves. Our friends don't have to be alone through this, but neither do we.
You can be there for your friend and voice concern, but ultimately the decision is hers alone. I always go back to that old phrase that no one is perfect until you are in love with them, and it could be that her love for him (whether healthy or unhealthy) is blinding her towards realizing the way he really is.
I wish there were some sole determining factor that causes people to change. With friends of mine who have been in similar situations, often things have to get a lot worse before they get better. And it's impossible to say what people will learn a tough lesson and vow not to repeat it, versus the people who will stay in a relationship that clearly unhealthy for reasons purely their own.
I think you can approach people about it, and nudge them in a direction, but you have to be very careful about how you do it.
As I pointed out below, the whole "you bring more flies to honey than vinegar" thing applies here; you have to be approachable with these situations, not forceful.
For example, if I were dating a guy and one of my friends started yelling at me about what a jerk he was and how horrible he treated me, I'd probably feel defensive. If she started lecturing me about it, I'd still be defensive. But if a friend said something along the lines of "I'm a little concerned, and this is why: ____________ and I'm here to talk if you need me," then I probably would listen to her even if I didn't agree. And it would cause me, even if just subconsciously, to be more on the look-out for what she was concerned about, and to evaluate whether she was right or not.
Obviously you know the circumstances better than anyone of us. However, you're ultimately as much of an outsider to the relationship as we are. Just to give her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, maybe he has reasons for "trying to isolate her from certain people." Often part of being in an adult relationship is moving away from certain friends who might not mesh well with you as in your new role as part of a couple and towards new ones. If those people encourage her to behave a certain way (whether it's heavily drinking or acting differently than normal) which her boyfriend objects to, then her boyfriend is within his rights to express some concern to her and to try to encourage her to reconsider those friendships.
No boyfriend gets to tell you what to do, of course. However, people grow within a relationship and negotiate new boundaries with their partner. If your friend really loves this guy so much, I would try listening to her. Does she think he's controlling? If not, then I would give her your trust to make her own judgments. Otherwise, you risk being the controlling one.
okay he drinks more than any of us do. She acts no differently around him then she does around any of us. Remember I am her best friend, I think I would notice when she is behaving differently. Plus, he is friends with the same friends that he is trying to isolate her from. In fact, he spends more time with us then she does, because we go to the same university and she goes to one that is in a different town. This has nothing to do with wanting her to be a different person. He just wants to have control over her.
I think your comment is fairly presumptuous to assume that the OP is reading too much into this. Heck, that's a comment often given to shut girls' insights about relationships down. Even if it turns out he's not as bad as he looks, it's worth her at least expressing her concern to her friend.
After all, isn't a false positive worse than a false negative? Isn't it better to address a possible problem and have it turn out that nothing was wrong, than to ignore red flags only for them to turn out to be accurate? There's a reason there are books about planning for worst-case scenarios, rather than best-case ones.
er, I meant "isn't a false positive SAFER than a false negative"
The problem is that society often paints these sorts of relationships - where the man is very controlling and the woman lets him lead her wherever he wants her to go - as the height of romance. Look at the Twilight books, for instance, as an example of this. Young women who read those books are being sold on the idea that a boyfriend who stalks you and controls you for the sake of "protection" and "because he loves you" is romantic. But jealousy is not love, and control is not love. Frankly, if a guy truly cares about a girl, he will let her do whatever makes her happy even if it isn't always what makes him happy. Or as The Beatles put it: "I still love you so / But if he loves you more / Go with him."
The key here is not to overplay your hand. If you lecture her or get angry at her about it, then she'll shut down and feel like she can't trust you. When someone comes on so forcefully, even if we later see that they were right, we're hesitant to approach them about it for fear they'll say "I told you so!"
What you want to do is have an approach like: "I'm a little concerned about how your boyfriend treats you. He seems a little too controlling of your life and who hang out with. I'm free to talk about it if you want to." The idea is to present yourself as a person who will listen to her rather than lecture her, who is concerned rather than angry or scared (even if that is how you feel). It's the honey/vinegar situation. In this case, it's probably good that you don't hate this guy so much as dislike his behavior - you can say something like, "He seems like a great guy, but I'm a bit unnerved by how controlling he is."
Though you do have to wait for her to realize it on her own, the good news is that by taking the more moderate approach, you're more likely for her to have this revelation sooner rather than later. If you come in with all guns blazing, she'll be defensive and deny any sign of her boyfriend's troubling behavior for fear of being in the wrong. But if you make your approach more even and open, she won't feel as driven to prove you wrong - and she might start to see the light about how her boyfriend is treating her.