TRIGGER WARNING
So I have a history of abuse I’m trying to deal with. There were several abusers, and the first was my father. I’ve posted on my experiences before.
I never had a relationship, never had consensual sex and never had an orgasm. I’m in my early 30s. I’m trying to figure these things out and one of the things
And what did I find? Basically, a complete lack of empathy and lots hostility towards survivors. In her site, Dodson:
- Promotes the idea that non-sexually repressed women don’t do anything as stupid as freeze when sexually assaulted but rather would sort of go with the flow
- Complains about an ‘industry’ that grew around sexual abuse and “chronically kept victims wallowing in their past”.
- Shows an attitude of “get over it already” – “Some rape or incest survivors are unable or unwilling to move on, to sexually heal themselves with therapy and masturbation.” “
Another gem is a debate where Dodson’s web partner, Ross, and another writer on her site criticize Polanski’s arrest with arguments along the lines of “13 year olds are women”:
I don’t think Dodson hates survivors or anything, but it seems as if, like a lot of other sex positive writers I’ve read, she refuses to actually engage with what abuse means. And honestly, it makes me tune her and anyone who endorses her out. Why should I listen to someone who would obviously never listen to me?
I have to say this conforms to my anecdotal experiences: the most sex-positive friends (one works in Babeland) I have reacted negatively to my disclosures about my father, going so far as to stop talking to me, while friends who were a little more reserved were much more supportive.
I have a theory of why that is – they are so invested in their identity as sex-loving people that they need to block out anything negative. Another theory I read on an abuse-survivors website was that American society is very invested in the Virgin-Whore paradigm, and now that virginity is not so fashionable in some circles, people go to the other extreme. Or maybe, I have to wonder, they’re not as comfortable with their sexuality as they’d like you to believe…
What do you think?
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As someone who has been through what you've been through, I think part of it is that people have been callously and emotionally manipulated before by people who were preying on sympathies and pity that they are frequently skeptical of those who make claims.
This is part of why few want to be labeled "victim" and there's a strong backlash against those who embrace the label or do nothing to push back against it. And, there's also this belief that if someone works hard enough at any problem, then a solution and ultimate resolution beckons. I myself have come to terms with what happened to me in ways I couldn't before. I used to let my own inner torment lead me in unhealthy directions.
And part of it too is that we assume that any problem has a quick fix to it, provided we figure it out through deductive reasoning. I also have bipolar disorder, which is a chronic condition that never goes away. No treatment exists to cure it and so I have had to learn that its effects will be with me likely forever. The fallout from my abuse produces a similar response. My hope is that with time and positive decisions, my coping strategies will grow more mature and successful, but I also know that the scars themselves will always be evident to me and sometimes to other people. That's just how it goes, I suppose.
When I got to the part about how she "outsmarted" her would-be racist by "putting out," I had to stop reading.
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Ack! Rapist, not racist. Lol.
"...they are so invested in their identity as sex-loving people that they need to block out anything negative."
I have seen that so many times on feminist sites and it is annoying.
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. As a sex-positive person AND a rape/incest survivor, I really understand what you were saying. There is this sort of “lalalala, can’t hear you” attitude from many sex positive people, coupled with the extremism you mentioned. Also, I have noticed a kind of “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” attitude, where they think if they can deal with their victimization(s) (ala Dodson), everyone else should deal with it in the same way. To me, part of being sex-positive is assertively and forcefully fighting against sexual violence. Part of that fight is accepting sexual violence survivors, and the myriad of forms their sexuality is affected by that violence. If we want to be sex positive, we have to adamantly reject non-consensuality, and equally adamantly support the healing of victims of sexually violent experiences, no matter how different their forms of healing are from our experiences. I wish more people realized that.