I don't know if you've noticed this, but the kinds of people who marry their same-gender friends on Facebook are almost never, ever anti-gay.

I think you're twisting the joke around. Who hasn't had that friend so close that you joked you were married? Last week I had a guy jokingly introduce his roommate to me as his "platonic husband." I have another friend -- bisexual, used to identify as a lesbian -- who regularly jokes that I'm her needy girlfriend because I sometimes wear her hat.

Now that it's possible to put family members -- parents, siblings -- in your personal info, I've seen people playing around with that, too.

I think I've known at least one openly bi girl who married a straight female friend on facebook, and I've heard of women facebook-marrying male friends as well, although it's not as common.

I think that a lot of people in sham-facebook relationships are doing it at least in part to avoid pressure to state their actual relationships.

I understand why you're upset about it, but I'm not sure it's enough of a problem to risk alienating your friend over.

This was an interesting post. To be honest, I think the whole "relationship" function on facebook is a little ridiculous, and I don't use it. It's tempting to think that people who "marry" their best friends on facebook are just poking fun at people who obsessively update their relationship status on facebook, eager to share with everyone that they're paired. Maybe they're making the subtle point that not just romantic relationships are important, and sometimes your best friend is the most important relationship in your life.

But, they're probably not. They're probably just cracking a joke, and I can see how that would be pretty distasteful, particularly on a day when a narrow minority passed a law ensuring that people of the same sex will never be able to click "Married" on their facebook page and mean it in one more state. And it's certainly valid for you to feel like your best friend isn't being sensitive of that issue.

Interesting post. I'm not straight and me and close friend talk about the wedding we are planning all the time. I live in Maine and yes, what happened fucking hurts. I'm not sure how your friend meant it, but when S and I talk about getting married on facebook, we were talking about how love is real, no matter what a stupid law says.

I guess I'm the only one who thought such relationships helped to normalize homosexuality and gay marriage. Even if it's supposed to be a joke the fact that people see this more often and don't get offended to it seems like a good thing to me. Am I wrong?

Yeah, uh, this is pretty ridiculous. I mean I'm sure there are sorority girls who do this, but ultimately even that is at least two girls willing to be open about how important their friendship is to one another.

I am "engaged" to my friend on Facebook, and it's not funny because I'm straight. I just ended a seven month relationship with a wonderful woman, thanks. The reason I am "engaged" to my friend on Facebook is that I think we have a lot of really similar goals and have been through a lot of similar experiences and I like to think that we are part of a greater team. Also, it's not like it's impossible that we would ever date. We just aren't.

And for God's sake, it's Facebook. It's a relationship status on Facebook. It's not even the biggest cultural issue impacing homosexuals today, to say nothing of the physical violence and economic oppression we face.

I'm torn. On the one hand, if one has made people his or her friends who are likely to feel the way you feel, then such a joke is indeed insensitive. On the other hand, the internet has created spaces that are ambiguously private/public-- just as we worry that people don't understand satire in Mad Men, there is a place where we know that jokes will be recognized as such, and we can make them privately in those spaces, but making such jokes out in public remains in poor taste. the "humorless feminist" trope comes from compelling people to see that supposedly private spaces are actually public spaces, and that jokes made in those spaces are not the same as jokes made among clsoe friends of a like mind. After all, when the soul of many types of humor is inclusion/exclusion, saying taht such joeks are forbidden *would* make you a humorless feminist...

Anwyay, point here being that insofar as people do these things to make an inside joke among their friends, it *is* funny, because it's counter-factual in an ironic way... if it's delivered to the right audience.

I mean, are we only supposed to be able to make jokes about upper-class douchebags? what would life be without humor, even if, broadcast worldwide, such humor would be insulting? not every space is public, and tones can be different in private. Either we define new norms for public/private definitions on the internet-- i.e. you recognize when you're an outsider observing an insider space (say if a work acquaintance friends you on facebook; assume their posts are meant for their real friends, and not you)-- or we get used to being offended more and grow thicker skin (which undermines the effort to spread social mvoements through individual social monitoring), or we grow more polarized as nobody ever feels like they have a safe space. Not all revolutions can happen at once, and if everyone is constnatly policed for every rude thing they might possibly say, then you might as well live in a totalitarian state. But that said, we can recognize norms for public discourse that are different from norms for private discourse.

Girls faux-marrying each other seems homonormative to me. Isn't the point for gay marriage to become as commonplace and reflexively accepted as straight marriage?

I definitely hear you in that it relies on a heteronormative assumption that you must not really be married, and this has concerned me in the past. I will admit that (I am pansexual, but of-course most peope don't assume this) I did it once with a straight female friend and we got nothing but sincere congratulations on our wedding. I took it down right away because I didn't want to confuse people. Part of me recognizes that people will express their creativity when giving defined categories, and thinks its ok to honor and have fun with committments that are nonsexual but recognized as deep and significant, especially if it is simultaneous with support for active gay marriage. Moreover, I did worry that people assumed I was another heterosexual girl having fun with the option, which is false... and I think a lot of people did, but as I said was surprised by the number of immediate congratulations.

Not sure I agree, at least not in all cases. A number of my friends treat the "engaged" specification as just sort of something to play with or to show that they have a close relationship with the person. I have straight female friends who are "engaged" to other straight females, but I can also think of at least one instance among my friends in which a lesbian woman lists herself as "engaged" to a gay man.

I have no problems with joking around with the relationship status on facebook. Declaring yourself is tricky and awkward and sometimes hilarious (Come on- if you were in a "complicated" relationship would you want the world to know?) I do think, though, that when two obviously straight women enter into a facebook engagement marriage or relationship, it effectively others queer people. It is only humorous and cute because we know it isn't true, and we (supposedly) know it isn't true because the assumption is that the person viewing it thinks such a relationship would be abnormal (and therefore queer people are abnormal. On a case by case examination we might find that such heteronormativity might not hold true, but as a general rule- that is the basis. Also, I'm not looking to censor everyone because I'm a humorless feminist, I just want my best friend to know that what she is doing is unintentionally hurting me.

To me, the same-sex engagements are like the football players in my high school who hold hands down the hallway and expect everyone to crack up. One could say that it is progress if these boys feel comfortable doing these actions in the first place, but the assumption that gay displays of affection are hilarious (because they are absurd or abnormal) is heteronormative.

I hope I was able to clarify my position- why I see it as heteronormative. You still may not agree with me, which is fine, I just wanted to make sure I got my point across. Also, facebook is certainly not the largest threat to queer people- obviously- but a heteronormative culture isn't something that can be overlooked.

I'm surprised at all the people saying that straight girls being in a relationship is only "hilarious" because they wouldn't ever really do it. I guess it never occurred to me that the fake facebook relationships were supposed to make anyone laugh. I always just figured they were a way of saying that who you're dating isn't the most important thing about you, or something.

I find them annoying just because its irritating when people put stuff on their profile that isn't true and it isn't always obvious what's true and what isn't. Just like its annoying when people put up a picture that isn't really of them, or a fake birthday.

In my circle of friends, at least, "marrying" one of the other girls is a way of declaring the closeness of their friendship and bucking the relationship status pressure. For many of the people I know, have a blank status is equivalent to "single", so removing any online discussion of hookups or relationship. It's seen as forcing the conversation about sex and romance into real life, face-to-face interaction.

Also, a couple years ago, two friends of mine both went through bad break ups--one straight, one gay--and they "married" each other as a form of emotional support, reminding themselves that they were loved and lovable in a difficult time.

It seems to me that the reasons behind the fake married relationships depend on the person, but in my experience they've been more about mutual support and friendship than mocking non-straight-heteronormative relationships.

Are the feelings you need to express your feelings of hurt and frustration about the obstacles to gay rights, or your feelings of disapproval of her actions?
If it's the first, maybe say "I know it never occurred to you that this interpretation could arise" rather than "I know you didn't intend it". Emphasize your feelings/reactions, rather than her actions.
If it is a matter of expressing your disapproval,remember that she may consider her fake status as a way of supporting gay marriage, might be upset at such a construction, and then have defensive feelings towards you.

a couple things...

i would have to agree with those who say the joke is probably on facebook and the seemingly vapid gesture of announcing relationships on facebook.

my experience is that most people who are "engaged/married" to each other (without really being engaged/married to each other) tend to be truly close and fond of one another. it seems like a way to declare "bff" -- in other words, the gesture is meant to be sweet, an affirmation of friendship, not malicious.

i have gay friends who are "engaged" or "married" on facebook with platonic friends. i think describing this trend as a culmination of actions by straight people only is a bit misleading.

that being said, from here on out i will take what you said here in consideration. i haven't participated in these announcements, and now i probably deliberately won't. I understand how, especially given the current politics of marriage, this could be hurtful or an unconscious flaunting of privilege. and i am sorry for it.