If you're thinking about it and trying to make sense of it, then it is important for you.

As for a personal perspective, determining my orientation, and making it part of me was very important for my life. I am bisexual. I tried to be straight for a long time. I never identified as a lesbian because I always knew I was interested in relationships and sex with men, too. I think bisexual is a limiting term, because it implies there are only two gender presentaions to be interested in, but it is the term I am most comfortable using, after the generic "queer." In my life, my sexual attractions have been fluid. Sometimes I am moer interested in women, sometimes men, but usually I am attracted to individuals. I am also non-monogamous, so I am more aware of the subtle changes in my attractions.

To bring this back to your situation, we all tend to rely on group identities, and maybe "lesbian" is the right one for you, maybe it is "bisexual," or "pansexual," or something else entirely. You don't need to decide right now. Keep reading different perspectives, keep thinking about what you want in a partner, and maybe gender will matter, and maybe it won't. It is all a process.

Speaking as someone who's been in a similar situation...yes, I think it's important, and you are not overthinking this at all. The way I see it, you owe it to yourself to figure this out; otherwise, it wouldn't be bothering you so much.

I think that you're probably somewhere on the lesbian-straight continuum, but (and I'm sorry this probably won't be much help) it's going to have to be up to you to figure out exactly where you are. There's a theory out there that women's sexuality tends to be somewhat fluid, and while I'm not sure of the wisdom of applying that to all women, perhaps it might be at least partially true in your case. Or perhaps you're a straight woman who happens to have a more noticeable appreciation for female beauty than most other straight women do, which might explain why you find so many women sexually attractive, even when the thought of actually having sex with them isn't really all that tempting to you. As I said, though, you'll have to figure it out for yourself; just be patient with yourself and keep trying to figure out what you're feeling means to you. The answer may not come easily, and it may very well change with time, but you'll figure it out eventually. :)

Whatever conclusion you come to, it's incredibly encouraging that you're willing to think so deeply about the matter. I wish you the best of luck.

I can definitely sympathize with your situation. I'm also in my early twenties and generally have relationships and sex with men but am incredibly attracted to women, despite rarely having sex with any of them. At times I don't want my (male) partner to touch me at all and I just want to be with a woman. This came as a huge problem for me because of the pressures to identify myself with one of the three norms.

My peace with my sexuality came with just pushing away all of the terminology. I don't identify as lesbian, bisexual, or straight. The terms of monogamous and non-monogamous are equally problematic as well. Sexuality is much more fluid than people would like it to be and attempting to box yourself into titles is only going to be frustrating.

I prefer to eschew labels, really. I will, however, talk as casually about being attracted to women as I do about being attracted to me.

I have the same feelings as you, but it's switched for men and women. I used to consider myself bisexual, however, while I can find men attractive and have dated them, it just doesn't feel as "warm and fuzzy" as it does when I'm with a woman. I've had sex with women but not men; it's a matter of being able to connect with the person in that special way. It took a period of time to really dissect what I was feeling, but I've come to identify as lesbian.

Thank you so much for that comment! If I didn't have people asking me about it, I wouldn't really worry about it either. But what do I say when my mom asks me if I'm "still" a lesbian?? When I dropped a hint to my sister that my status as "lesbian" may be a little shakier than I thought it was, she became angry and accused me of just going with what was "convenient." As in, sure, I'll be a lesbian for a while, but as soon as a guy shows interest in me, I'm ready to jump right back on the straight train. How am I supposed to respond to that? For one thing, that's incredibly offensive, at least to me. How am I supposed to explain this to people (who all seem to think they deserve an explanation)? I tried to tell my sister I didn't feel comfortable yet talking about it, and she threw out an "Oh, well I guess if it's a SECRET now..." I just feel so perplexed, and guilty at the same time, like I'm deliberately doing something that's making my family angry.

Our society likes to put people in convenient little categories that many (or probably most, even though they wouldn't admit it) people don't fit into. You aren't a lesbian because you are attracted to men and in some ways you seem to be saying you're more attracted to men. It's very natural for someone to, upon finding themselves attracted to the same sex, think it makes them gay. But I don't think it's ever that cut and dried. Pansexual is a popular term for people who have attractions to both genders that go beyond gender. Bisexual implies that you're attracted to both genders, while I think pansexual means more that you're attracted to who you're attracted to for qualities that go beyond gender. In your case, I agree with jenngirl that "queer" might be a good choice. I also might suggest avoiding labels all together. Some people have sexuality that's fairly simple and they feel comfortable labeling, but not everyone.

I don't like labels. If asked, I'm straight, but I can't say for certainty that I would never have sexual feelings for a woman and that I am only attracted to men because I haven't met every man or woman and I also realize there are people who don't identify as either gender. If as-far-as-you-can-tell-right-now all you're interested in is women I suppose you could call yourself a lesbian under those grounds but it would still be oversimplifying things.

For what it's worth, I'd say focus on individual people and who you are and are not attracted to sexually, rather than attempting to make broad generalizations about what your sexual orientation is. I realize in our culture this isn't easy, since we're used to thinking about orientation as fixed. But I had a lot better luck when I was feeling confused about what label to use just sitting with the individual person in mind and considering what felt right. Maybe now you're interested in only the guys you're around. Maybe someday you'll fall head over heels with a woman. Maybe not. It might not be all that crucial to label what you are as long as you are staying true to your feelings about particular people.

I think maybe you might want to try this from a different approach, since the one you're at is leading you to confusion and not clarity.

That is, what do you think is keeping you from being with women? Is it that they're pretty or hot or whatever but you don't want to have sex with them? Or is it that you're going through the heteronormative repression that some queer people have to get through to be able to get into the community?

It was a hurdle I had to get through when I was going through my introspection/first coming out. I bisexualized myself because I was *supposed* to be with women. I think women can be attractive, but I don't have a fundamental drive to be sexual with women. So, I was forcing more than what was there.

Ultimately, only you can know the answer to the extent to which you're same-sex attracted, or opposite-sex attracted for that matter.

I think the question is more, do you want to have/ like having sex with women? Or is it only men? Or both? I think attraction is one thing, but when the rubber meets the road, what is it you want?

Hope that helps!

I know how you feel!

I find it confusing because I think that my attraction to women might stem partly from the fact that most women are socialised to compare their own attractiveness to other women, which means that women (in my experience) tend to talk about the attractiveness of other women far more than men would about other men (heterosexual, cis-men, that is).

Also I have great admiration for the lesbian women in my life and find queer and lesbian culture to be quite attractive, so I think that shapes my sexuality a bit as well.

I agree with the other commenters - focus on people that you love/find attractive/would like to have sex with, rather than their gender. My mother regarded herself as straight for most of her life, but there was one woman who she really fell for. Maybe you are more her level of bisexuality (or whatever you would like to call yourself).

i'm glad to see that these comments are, for the most part, so supportive of you finding our own identity and not people trying to find that label for you. it seems your family is doing the opposite. sometimes the toughest part of finding your identity is being pushed to define it for other people before you define it for yourself. but you don't have to.

if you are close enough with your sister (and mother, maybe) that you discuss things like crushes and even fantasies, i would be honest with them about your confusion- what/who you're attracted to and when (like on a case by case basis or something). but even then, don't let them discount where you are in your identity development by insinuating that because you are confused at the moment, that it is "just a phase" or some such nonsense.

it's okay to tell them that you don't have the final answer, but that there's something happening and that you're in the process of figuring out your identity. it also can't hurt to ask them to try not to label it, and that you'll keep them updated with any new developments. :)

i think what sometimes happens is that people (family, friends, and even lovers) unconsciously treat you differently depending on what box they put you in- so not knowing your identity means not knowing how to treat or respond to you. but remind them (and yourself) that regardless of who you are attracted to/sleeping with/fantasizing about at the moment, you are still YOU. it might help to point this out to them, too.

i'm glad to see that these comments are, for the most part, so supportive of you finding our own identity and not people trying to find that label for you. it seems your family is doing the opposite. sometimes the toughest part of finding your identity is being pushed to define it for other people before you define it for yourself. but you don't have to.

if you are close enough with your sister (and mother, maybe) that you discuss things like crushes and even fantasies, i would be honest with them about your confusion- what/who you're attracted to and when (like on a case by case basis or something). but even then, don't let them discount where you are in your identity development by insinuating that because you are confused at the moment, that it is "just a phase" or some such nonsense.

it's okay to tell them that you don't have the final answer, but that there's something happening and that you're in the process of figuring out your identity. it also can't hurt to ask them to try not to label it, and that you'll keep them updated with any new developments. :)

i think what sometimes happens is that people (family, friends, and even lovers) unconsciously treat you differently depending on what box they put you in- so not knowing your identity means not knowing how to treat or respond to you. but remind them (and yourself) that regardless of who you are attracted to/sleeping with/fantasizing about at the moment, you are still YOU. it might help to point this out to them, too.

I have known SO many people whose orientation shifted throughout their life. Seriously, SO many. Men too. (it's a myth men can't be bisexual, supported by some (IMO) highly-questionnable "scientific" studies).

Look, if you read about the history of these things, orientation was first turned into an "identity" by people who wished to help stop persecution of homosexuals. They felt that if they could say that that was who the people WERE then god must have made them that way, and that therefore they did not deserve persecution.

But, for all that there is some indication that hormone levels play some role in determining orientation (e.g. women who have more testosterone and higher sex drives are more likely to identify as bi) I really believe there's a heavy psychological/experiential component to determining sexuality as well. That is NOT AT ALL the same as saying it's something people simply have a "choice" over. But it DOES mean it's liable to shift and alter somewhat and to not be the exact same for any two people.

Of people who choose to identify as gay, I've heard all sorts of explanations why. Some say it's because they're sexually attracted to members of their own gender. Some say it's because they're sexually attracted to both genders but only feel romantic feelings towards their own gender. Some say it's about emotional connectedness. All of this to me says that there's a big diversity in the community.

Which is why I prefer the label "queer" for those who don't consider themselves hetero. But really, I think "honest" might be almost as accurate.