By nature, I can be a bit inflammatory. My job demands the opposite from me, so to placate my inner rage demon, I wind up screaming the lyrics to Jess Klein's "Flirting" while driving my car to an assignment. It makes me feel more like an empowered woman and less like a hack.
I think the moratorium on inflammation in my professional life causes me to flare up more often in my personal life.
The latest example would be the volcano of emotion touched off by a comment from a guy I (used to) follow on Twitter.
I met him once in real life, and only once, at a party thrown by a work friend. During that party, he revealed he's discerning the priesthood. Having recently endured a particularly henious encounter with a man-of-the-cloth-to-be, the warning signs were already blaring for me. But I stuck with my social graces and dutifully followed him when he followed me on Twitter the next day. By that point, he had been dubbed "creepy" by all who attended the party because he fainted in the kitchen, apparently from laughing too hard, and almost cracked his skull. He denied any prexisting conditions, and being judgmental people, we all decided it was just generally "weird." (Incidentally, the joke he was laughing at was not THAT funny.)
Once I started reading his Tweets it became abundantly clear we never had a snowball's chance in hell of getting along. Here are some prime ones:
"yes, I like Palin. I'm a big fan."
"Prayer is a great exercise when you're too thankful for words."
"Going to bed now, bit later than planned. Mary's womb and the body of Christ in the morning :D"
"I hate how PC Glee is. Surprised there isn't someone out there in crutches too."
You get the picture.
Back to the proverbial Tweet heard 'round my world:
This evening he said: "Today is an odd day, I just feel kinda down and weird, yet I'm not really. I have no reason to be. This must be what being a female is like ." (emphasis added)
WTF!!!
I let it slide. For the most part. I did text my partner to complain, and his response was nothing short of delightful:
"Honey, he's a conservative Catholic who wants to be a priest. Of course he shares a brain with a caveman."
I laughed. I shrugged it off. I went back to work.
It wasn't until later that I went what turned out to be a bridge too far.
I Tweeted my partner's text for the world to see. I didn't attribute it to him or anyone, I just put it out there anonymously in quotes. That's right, folks: I picked a fight on a social networking site with a guy I've met only once in real life. As Rizzo once said, "I'm going to get my kicks while I'm still young enough to get 'em."
His response was predicatable:
"what tha?!"
Ironically, that was my reaction to his initial diss against women, a fact I felt compelled to point out:
"Yeah, "what tha?!" is the same reaction I has upon reading this phrase: "This must be what being a female is like."
His response kind of tickles me:
"I was making a joke about the sexes not understanding each other. You were flat out offensive."
Last time I checked, emotions are not a "female condition" and men are no easier to "figure out" than women. These are basic, widely accepted tenets in the civilized world. His comment carries an unacceptable amount of ignorance.
Not that I wasn't offensive. Not that I didn't pick a fight.
But I'm not sorry. It's 2009, and to quote Roger Murdock we're "too old for this shit." And by we I mean the human race.
If an apology is due, it is to the cavemen for lumping your respectable race in with this brainless neanderthal.
"So sing it with me, ladies. There's no need to be afraid. A bad attitude can really brighten up your day. When some man tries to get you to hang your head in shame just give him the boot. Reclaim the name that brought you to fame and say, 'Hey, hey, flirt with this. I am a CERTIFIED HARD CORE BITCH. And I do not want any shit from you, but I'll let you live and that's the only favor I'm gonna do.'" (Jess Klein)
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I hate the 'bitch' hate - I think it's a great word to describe a great thing, and strong woman not afraid to let you know you'd better back the fuck off. I see posts sometimes where people get irritated that women get called a "bitch" when angry, and I always think it'd be better to turn on the person like an actual bitch protecting her pups and go for the throat.
more!
And it's so typical, that whole "I was just pointing out a fact, you were being mean!" trope where religious folks feel like their hate is truly blessed by god and anyone else's hate is straight from the devil.
Not just religious folks. Hypocrites come from all sorts of backgrounds, creeds and walks of life. This guy's remark about being a woman and his inability to admit that he's in the wrong has something less to do with his religious sensibilities than the fact that he's just another hypocritical sexist.
This guy sounds like a total tool. I would have stopped following him as soon as that became apparent. I would have skipped the "caveman" comment though - that seems kind of pointless, and not in keeping with the idea that we're "too old for this shit."
Not just pointless, though. It's an offensive stereotype about men that propagates the binary.
If men aren't evolved and are base cavemen then clearly sexism is just genetic.
So yeah, the OP has a right to be pissed, but she doesn't have the right to say offensive stuff and propagate stereotypes just because someone else does. It's not only wrong, it's counterproductive.
And are we gonna ignore the part where the OP admits to being judgmental and labeling this guy "weird" because he passed out? That just reeks of ableism.
I think the title of this post might say it all, and that ain't a good thing.
The "weird" thing bothered me, too. Not only that, but apparently the guy is "creepy" for fainting.
Yep. The more I re-read this the more problematic it gets. There's the "creepy" line you brought up, but there's also the "apology" to cavemen at the end of the post that essentially is the "men are stupid, un-evolved creatures" stereotype verbatim.
We can't have it both ways. The OP doesn't get to say, "Men are as emotionally complex as women," and then call a guy a caveman. That's completely contradictory.
And the whole, "I'm not sorry for being offensive and picking a fight" thing is downright nasty and wrong. If the OP isn't sorry for being offensive then why is she mad at the guy on Twitter for being offensive?
We are too old for this shit, but that shit includes tit for tat stereotyping to make ourselves feel better, being unapologetic about being offensive, and ableist behavior.
There's a lot to learn here from how not to imitate either the guy in the post here or the OP. The whole, "I'll just be offensive back to you," thing doesn't work. Not even a little bit.
I really appreciate your feedback. I've been feeling strangely guilty since my exchange with this guy and I haven't been able to pinpoint why. I think it's because everyone else has been telling me my actions were totally justified. I think your take on things really hits the nail on the head. Would you be willing to share some thoughts on how you would have handled a similar situation?
It's tough. The way things are on the internet especially muddies the waters, too, because it's hard to find folks who are willing to be polite or courteous over this medium.
I think the best response here would have been to just point out to him how offensive that tweet he made was towards women. Even if he doesn't get it initially if enough people engage him in that way over time it can change behavior. His ideas may not change, but he'll at least be more conscious about what he says. And sometimes that consciousness can lead to the type of epiphany one would hope for.
If you engage this guy from a less hostile place he's far more likely to see your side, whereas insults will make him incredibly defensive and unwilling to be open to the idea that what he said was wrong.
Ignorance sucks, but it's always a byproduct of something like lack of knowledge, personal trouble, etc. In that sense I like to look at it like an illness.
I've had similar trouble with people spouting some hateful stuff before, but I think it's important to move beyond anger and get to pity. I feel sorry for folks who hate me or have preconceived notions about me without knowing me. It's annoying, and that annoyance occasionally boils over, but mostly I just feel sad for them.
I think the best thing to focus on is the liberating nature of freeing one's self from hate. It certainly helps me stay happy. So when I see stuff like that I'll dispute it, but I won't attack the person, because I realize that I'm happier than they are.
Genuinely happy people don't need to denigrate others to feel good, and that's the line of thought I turn to in situations like this to prevent myself from sinking down to a bad level.
And please don't read this like I'm perfect or anything. I screw up plenty, but the more I work at this kind of thought process the less I screw up.
It's also tough to deal with these kinds of reactions, because they're like junk food: initially they're REALLY SATISFYING. It's a rush when you get someone back, and it feels good, but in the long run it's not helpful to anyone.
I'll try to clarify since my original explanation didn't come across as well as I wanted it to. It wasn't so much that he was weird and creepy for fainting. It was the overall vibe I picked up on throughout the night. He's not one of those people who makes you feel comfortable, and he said and did some strange things that didn't help. I included the back story only to add context, but it appears to have lost something in translation. Apologies.
The point was, "I'm pissed off and I want the Twitterverse to know it." Maybe it's not a good point to be making, but there you have it. There are so few avenues for me to express myself these days that all my rage gets bottled up and leaks out in weird places, like social networking sites. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about that fact and what it means for me.
I probably would have done the same thing. I've found that if you are rational about things like this and simply explain why such comments aren't acceptable, these kinds of guys just come up with lame excuses- as he did. But at least this way you
got in a good dig at him- not very mature, but so what? I for one am tired of keeping quiet and taking the high road while the jerks get away with all kinds of bullshite. And ya- it makes you feel better, doesn't it? :) B.I.T.C.H = being in total control, honey!
Love that song you quoted. Going to go look that one up!
...Because being offensive is ok if you are offending someone who is a dumbass, too!