Cross posted at Benevolent Dictatrix
In today's Ask Amy advice column, Amy answers a question from a rape victim. The woman writes:
DEAR AMY: I recently attended a frat party, got drunk and made some bad decisions.
I let a guy take me to "his" room because he promised that he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with. Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't. Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening. We were soon kicked out of the room by the guy who lived there, who was pretty angry. I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape? I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened.
Am I a victim? -- Victim? in Virginia
Amy's answer contains some good advice about going to a counselor and getting tested for pregnancy and STIs. But her answer is ambivalent about the nature of the experience. The first thing she writes is, "Were you a victim? Yes. First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment." She goes on to note, "You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired." And of course she breaks out that old canard, "No matter what -- no means no."
Amy missed an opportunity to set the record straight about this type of far-too-common sexual assault.
Is this sexual assault? Yes, the woman was subjected to sexual contact without her consent. That is unequivocally, undeniably sexual assault.
Does it show poor judgment to get drunk at a frat party? Probably. It's never an especially good idea for any person, regardless of age, gender, or location to drink to excess.
Would this woman have been raped if she hadn't been drinking? Maybe, maybe not. There's no way to know for sure.
If she was drunk, does that mean it wasn't rape? Well, let's think about that. If I have 10 shots of tequila, and then I'm walking down the sidewalk and Joe walks up to me and punches me in the face, am I a victim of assault? Drinking 10 shots of tequila shows poor judgment. If I hadn't had that many shots of tequila, I may have been able to dodge Joe's punch. Or maybe not. Either way, Joe has assaulted me, and I am a victim of assault. Why is it different when the assault is sexual in nature? The fact that the victim of a crime was drunk, doesn't excuse the criminal from committing the crime.
If the guy was drunk is it still rape? Ok, let's say Joe was in that bar having 10 tequila shots with me before he punched me in the face. He's still guilty of assault. In most places voluntary intoxication is no excuse for a criminal action, whether the crime is armed robbery or assault. The fact that the rapist was drunk doesn't excuse him from committing the crime.
Let's recap: When the rapist is drunk, the rapist is responsible for the rape. When the victim is drunk, the rapist is STILL responsible for the rape. See how that works? No matter what, the only person who is responsible for the rape is THE RAPIST. It's really not that difficult.
I like Amy, and I usually think her advice is sound, so my angry letter took a more instructional than rage-ful tone. I'm hoping she will print a retraction or a clarification informed by a more accurate view of consent.
Dear Amy:
In your response to the young woman who was raped at a frat party you repeated the old saying, "No means no." This is an outdated model of consent. Women do not exist in a state of perpetual consent to sex, which they must cancel out by saying "no" in order to prevent a man from having sex with them. Consent means an enthusiastic "yes" from both parties, not just a lack a "no." I hope you will use your column to remind people that yes, and only yes, means yes. Victim made it clear she didn't want to have sex, and she certainly did not enthusiastically consent to sex. Regardless of the perpetrator's criminal liability, she is a victim of sexual assault and should seek help for dealing with that trauma.
If you agree that Amy's response was irresponsible, you can write to her at askamy@tribune.com and set her straight.
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Oooooh, this makes me so mad. (Amy's response, not you, BTW.)
First of all, I've been drunk at frat parties at least a dozen times, and it wasn't a bad decision or bad judgment. I had a ton of fun.
I wasn't raped while drunk at those frat parties because I wasn't in the proximity of someone who was a rapist. Me being drunk has nothing to do with being raped or not. Me being in the presence of a rapist, however, has everything to do with whether or not I get raped.
I've been in situations where I was drunk and vulnerable and alone with a man. Guess what? Still not raped! I had the good luck to be alone and vulnerable with men who weren't rapists.
Grrrrrr.
You are exactly right, and that is what I try to drive home to anyone who thinks they are helping with the 'well, what do you expect when you are alone in a room with a guy' types of people whose first response is to lecture victims about how they at least partially caused their own rape. I point out to them that I know many men who could have been in the room alone with that woman, drunk or not, and she never would have had the same experience......because those men aren't rapists. When people normalize the behaviors of men who rape just because they have the opportunity I ask them if they feel their brothers/fathers/sons/husbands would do the same thing if given a chance, if they would have intercourse with an unconscious woman or if they would force themselves on her if she said 'no'. Of course, they all deny that THEIR male family members or friends would do such a thing and that's when I remind them that situations don't rape people, only people can do that.
Which brings to mind:
For all the people who blame women who report rape for going alone into a man's apartment, hotel room, car, etc., I also remind them that these men would not be in a situation where they could be ACCUSED of rape if they weren't taking women into their hotel rooms, cars, apartments, etc. For people who think false rape charges are so awful it's funny how they don't blame the men for putting themselves in situations where they could be accused of committing rape, especially for men who are married and cheating on their wives in the first place (famous athletes come to mind). Why aren't we telling men that if they don't want to be accused of rape they'd best not be trying to engage in casual sex while under the influence with women who are under the influence, that it isn't a good idea to be alone with a woman they don't know very well?? Hmmmmm...because that would mean restricting the (sexual) behaviors of da menz and we just can't have that, can we???
I am so lost. You and I got into it over a very similar discussion a few days ago, but it looks to me like we fully and completely agree on this particular subject.
Where did the communications disconnect happen? lol
You may not even read this, but I think it is because for some reason you interpreted my position as being "drunk women can't be raped" when all I was saying is that being drunk doesn't mean you are incapable of giving consent. Some people are quick to define sex as rape as soon as they hear that the female was drunk. No one is ever concerned with whether the man was drunk because he can apparently consent to sex no matter what state he is in. I agree with you 100% that a woman being intoxicated does not nullify her claims of rape, it doesn't mean that the rapist is any less responsible, and I think it is absurd for anyone to suggest otherwise.
You are exactly right, and that is what I try to drive home to anyone who thinks they are helping with the 'well, what do you expect when you are alone in a room with a guy' types of people whose first response is to lecture victims about how they at least partially caused their own rape. I point out to them that I know many men who could have been in the room alone with that woman, drunk or not, and she never would have had the same experience......because those men aren't rapists. When people normalize the behaviors of men who rape just because they have the opportunity I ask them if they feel their brothers/fathers/sons/husbands would do the same thing if given a chance, if they would have intercourse with an unconscious woman or if they would force themselves on her if she said 'no'. Of course, they all deny that THEIR male family members or friends would do such a thing and that's when I remind them that situations don't rape people, only people can do that.
Which brings to mind:
For all the people who blame women who report rape for going alone into a man's apartment, hotel room, car, etc., I also remind them that these men would not be in a situation where they could be ACCUSED of rape if they weren't taking women into their hotel rooms, cars, apartments, etc. For people who think false rape charges are so awful it's funny how they don't blame the men for putting themselves in situations where they could be accused of committing rape, especially for men who are married and cheating on their wives in the first place (famous athletes come to mind). Why aren't we telling men that if they don't want to be accused of rape they'd best not be trying to engage in casual sex while under the influence with women who are under the influence, that it isn't a good idea to be alone with a woman they don't know very well?? Hmmmmm...because that would mean restricting the (sexual) behaviors of da menz and we just can't have that, can we???
just wrote in! thank you for posting this.