I have nothing to offer but empathy. It seems so terribly counter-intuitive that what we (intellectually) know to be true can so often conflict with what we feel deep down. It is because we are feminists that we understand just how deeply society has ingrained the messages of "you are ugly," "you are fat," etc. in our minds. (And, of course..."but if you buy my product you will be thin and beautiful!")

Just because we're aware of how harmful and wrong these messages are does not mean that they are not, nonetheless, entirely internalized.

I feel the exact same way. I will never be able to get over my issues with my body until i actually reach the goal of looking thinner. I have realized this and there is nothing i can do to change it. And believe me, it sucks so much...I wish I did not feel this way because it's so counter-productive and I just end up having unwanted resentment towards people who are thin - other women. I should not be feeling this way about them because as women we have to help each other overcome these obstacles. But it seems like no matter what we do, our society will always have this hold on us...

Yes, you are a feminist. You just have conflicts like the rest of us. *hugs*

What I like about this post is your awareness. Awareness is the key that opens the door to action.
You can receive counseling to help you process your feelings and get the eating disorder symptoms under control.

You are obviously intelligent and passionate. Eventually, your family will either learn to accept you or you will learn to accept their limitations.
Maybe both.

Believing that you are physically beautiful is not that important when you are starving or being beaten, if you are a child who had been abandoned...volunteering for people who are struggling with life and death issues may help you gain some perspective.

Smash your TV!

Stay away from "Beauty" magazines; they are designed to make you feel ugly. It's a marketing tactic.

If you really do want to look like one of those photoshopped models, take a photo of yourself and photoshop the hell out of it.

Choose a medium, art is therapy!

Good luck!

I have yet to meet a feminist who doesn't experience these sorts of conflicts. Keep thinking the deep thoughts, but don't think you're alone in them.

You are right, I am glad that I am aware of my conflict...so many aren't. I do plan to get counseling for both my self-esteem and my eating disorder--it is harder to find help since it is a lesser talked about eating disorder but I know I will find help someday...I hope.

I have contemplated the idea that I am experiencing a sort of adoptee psychological issue...maybe my feelings of fear of rejection stem from the fact that I'm adopted--infant adoption. I did meet my natural mother though...but I know she suffered serious trauma that I feel slightly guilty for although I didn't do anything...but she had no options. Abortion was against her families beliefs but she had no money to keep me...I also know that I was possibly the product of rape...she is unsure as she had a boyfriend at the time. I didn't push the issue as I feel it was probably hard enough for her to tell me that much.

I wonder if counselors exist who focus on self-esteem issues in adoptees?

A quick google of "adoptee counseling" came up with a bunch of hits. Obviously you'd probably want to dial it in by geographic area.

The cliche is that the first step is to admit you have a problem. Less mentioned is that the second step is doing something about it. Which is hard, since step one only involves admitting things to yourself, whereas step two involves admitting it to another person. Best of luck.

Since actually thinking about this and making this post I've done some long put off research on adoptees and issues. I learned that a lot of the issues I have...fear of being rejected, I always fear my husband will leave me, needing to be told over and over how much I'm loved/that I'm beautiful/etc...jealousy, severely low self-esteem and other issues I have are repeated over and over again on these pages I'm finding. Until these past few days and after looking at what I wrote and these articles I think I have a much better idea of where to get help...and I feel a bit less alone.

Thanks feministing, for letting me put my thoughts out so that even I can learn from them.

Now the hard part--actually confronting all this.

Just because I'm thin doesn't mean guys/girls think I'm beautiful.

I feel this way a lot... Recently, I've come to think that these sorts of doubts and insecurities can be a crucial tool in practicing one's feminism, rather than making one a 'bad feminist' or what have you. It's one thing to know in your mind that the patriarchy sucks; it's another thing to experience its damaging effects through your own mind and spirit every day. Recognizing the power and pervasiveness of these terrible ideologies even into your own life (as this post suggests you are doing) can be a powerful tool to help explain to others why you believe what you do, why feminism is important, etc. - and to relate to others who are going through similar things (I think many, many women are.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GAPAH6nXZ8&feature=related

http://www.amazon.com/Gabriel-Method-Revolutionary-DIET-FREE-Transform/dp/1582702187/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257972048&sr=8-1

First, congratulations. It's very brave of you to put all these things out there, even if it's anonymously. Also, while the adoptee dimension may make things worse, I think what you describe is actually a feature of most women's experience. I really like feminist theorist bell hooks' book 'The Female Search for Love.'



Also, the paradox of 'knowing' yet still feeling the 'wrong things' is probably what Freud hinted at when he said that trying to cure our mental ailments by reading about them was like trying to calm our hunger by reading the menu... Not that the guy was a feminist, but I always thought it was very eloquent.



Good luck in your journey!

"Conflicts in your head"? What are you doing in my head?

B-) amethyst22, gem, treasured one, I don't think there's a woman on here who hasn't experienced at least some of these. You speak for us all. Hugs if you want them.

I definitely understand what you mean by knowing on an intellectual level that something is true, but not being able to truly believe it.

I went through a period of depression a few years ago where i became very isolated due to social anxiety. While i KNEW that i could make new and fulfilling friendships if i stepped back into the community, i just couldnt BELIEVE it. I spent a lot of time feeling very lonely, and in the end it was CBT that helped give me the skills to get past my fear.

Something that has been bothering me lately is that for the first time in my life i am starting to really believe that i am beautiful as i am, that i could have something interesting and special to contribute to the world, and that my sexual and emotional needs are valid. What bothers me is that this coincides with my dating a great (feminist) guy. I love that this relationship is being so positive for my confidence, but i worry that if i took that relationship away then all these positive developments would just disappear..

I understand everything you said. I have no answers besides to say: of course you are a feminist. We expect ourselves to be perfect, but none of us are.

I appreciate your honesty. If we expected a realistic response from ourselves and everyone else, there's no telling how much more pleasant everyone's life would be. We'd take ourselves and each other a lot less seriously in the process.

There's nothing wrong with expecting people to do what they say, but there's everything wrong with expecting people to make no mistakes.

I think the fact that you realize you may have a problem in this area is in itself very important.Don't feel bad about thinking one way and feeling differently. People are not always able to align their feelings with their mindset - if that was the case, there would be no unrequited love, self-destructive behaviors, unsubstantiated anxieties, etc.

As far as an eating disorder and underlying self-esteem issues, I think you should try to find some help as opposed to trying to battle it alone. And by help, I don't just mean a supportive environment, but may be an eating disorder specialist on campus? Because as much sympathy and input as feministing contributors can give, most of us are not specialists in this area, but there are people out there who specifically study and learn methods that can help one deal with an eating disorder and the problems that may be behind it.

So I suggest you seek out someone like that - make sure, however, that they can at least understand and respect your feminist beliefs - being a professional does not, unfortunately, mean that one is not a sexist pig.

PS - I am in VOX too, and I haven't told my family either. I think the only vague notion they have of that part of my life is something along the lines of a "women's health" group.

I know exactly what you mean.

To paraphrase Twisty Faster, the patriarchy is like the Matrix. It is the structure of our entire lives. There's no way to be *outside* of it. As such--we're only human. We can educate ourselves enough to be able to see that it's constructed, that it's based on myths that serve to make things seem natural when they aren't, we can learn and learn and learn and learn... but it's pretty damn difficult to shed all the baggage, to resist the natural human tendency to react to our environment. It's difficult to not hear things that are said to you every moment of every day. It's difficult not to care about what your family thinks, because they're your family. It's difficult become totally immune to shame in a society whose favorite pastime is shaming you. It's difficult not to want to prove yourself equal to every challenge/expectation people throw at you, even if it's dumb, especially if the point you're trying to make is that you can do anything.

It doesn't make you not a feminist. If being a feminist meant not being affected at all by the crap we're swimming in constantly, there wouldn't be any feminists.

You are aware. And I can tell, from both the content of what you posted and the fact that this matters to you enough that you felt motivated to think about it and post, you are not complacent. This puts you way ahead of most people. I know that's poor consolation when you're feeling inadequate about something different--after all, if we can jump through one set of hoops we should be able to jump through another, we'd feel good about ourselves if we could do more things right, and it's not like there's a point where we're ever told we're done filling ridiculous expectations, sitting around feeling superior isn't ladylike anyway, blah blah Perfect Girl Syndrome--but if it helps, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you have to fight before you can win. And you're fighting.

We'll win eventually.

It's fitting that you posted this today. My therapist and I were talking about this subject in my session in regards to what I need from her. She's a holistic therapist luckily :).

In the past, I have found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) very useful in helping me change the negative scripts that used to dominate my life. CBT is all about changing your negative and false thoughts into positive and true thoughts by rational thinking. However, the emotions caused by the negative thinking still remain and are not addressed by CBT.

I think that this is your dilemma: you have rationally thought about societal stereotypes and scripts and can see why and how they are not true. However the emotions that are tied to the thinking do not change as easily.

Unfortunately I'm struggling with this dilemma too and it's not easy. You might have inspired me to write my own post, thanks!

In my opinion, part of being human is being able to live with cognitive dissonance like this situation.

I wish I had the strength to post the questions floating in my head. I have always feared personal journals or diaries for the reason that they may not remain private.

I understand the struggle, really, I do.

But ask yourself: why would you have to be beautiful?

Whether or not you are conventionally attractive does not influence your humanity, they do not influence your worth.

I get the impression you want to feel beautiful, because it means you're important. But it doesn't.

As feminists, we need to repeat that. MY VALUE DOES NOT DERIVE FROM HOW WELL I COMPARE TO CONVENTIONAL BEAUTY. My value lies in my humanity. We need to tell ourselves, our sisters, our friends: you are an important human being. Whatever you look like.