(Possible trigger warning:)
I ran across a very disturbing letter in a Dear Prudence column. The letter-writer has a problem (to some extent long-standing) with her boyfriend: he tickles her, although she's repeatly told him she doesn't like to be tickled :
Whenever we are lying on the couch or in bed together, he will start tickling me, and when I react he gets on top of me and pins me down so that I can't defend myself. I have repeatedly told him that I hate being tickled.... He insists that because I laugh, I must enjoy it. He adds that I need to learn to master my mind, and once I "convince" myself that I am not ticklish, then I won't panic when he tickles me. What should I say to him that gets my point across?
"Gets on top of me and pins me down"? Or more like ??!!
I've had problems with Prudence's replies in the past, but on this one I think she absolutely hits the nail on the head:
Your boyfriend knows that though you're laughing uproariously while he's tickling you, it doesn't mean you're having a great time but that you're being tortured. Torturing you is the great time for him. If he were a decent person, a simple "Please don't tickle me again. I hate it" should have been enough to end the sessions once and for all. But you've explained ad infinitum what a violation the tickling is. In response, he plays ridiculous mind games with you about how you're responsible for your own reaction when he daily climbs on top of you and pins you down so he can force you to endure his digital assaults. You're asking me what you can say to your "great," "sweet," and "caring" boyfriend to get him to stop attacking you. I think you should boil your remarks down to their essence, and what you should say is "Goodbye."
Prudie is on the money here. NOT ALL ABUSE -- not even all physical abuse -- INVOLVES HITTING. What this guy is doing to the LW is abuse, plain and simple.
To be precise, I ran across this entry at a LiveJournal, cf_abby_tribute . I have strong disagreements with some of the comments in the thread ("kick him in the balls" was sarcasm, I hope), but others are dead-on accurate:
One of the early signs of a possible abuser is when he holds down or otherwise restrains his mate without permission.
And:
The little fucker isn't trying to 'convince' her that she should control her ticklishness. He is 'convincing' himself that he is NOT getting off on overpowering her, the feeling of her wriggling powerlessly underneath him and her breathless and anguished begging to please, please, *please* stop, no, no, indeed not. He is *helping* her, really. And the stiffie he gets from it is merely a side benefit, nothing more.
What distresses me about the original letter is realizing -- once again -- how easy it is for an abused person to deny, even to herself, that she's being abused ... and how dreadfully easy it is for an abuser to find ways of abusing that don't look like abuse. Who, after all, would equate tickling with abuse? But I'm putting this posting in the category "Violence Against Women", because -- as strongly as he might insist that it was just a game , that it was just in fun and after all he was only making her laugh! -- what he's doing to her is abusive, and assaultive, and in its essence violent.
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Interesting.
When I was raising little boys, I would tickle them and when they said, "No, stop" , I would jump away from them/ stop immediately.
They would have to ask to be tickled again, learning from the exercise that they have a right to say, "No" and "No means No!"
That was one of many examples of "your body is yours" being taught.
NO means NO!
That "boyfriend" is a bad apple and ought to be tossed to the curb with the phrase, "NO means NO!" ringing in his ears!
I have younger brothers and also tickle them. It's a long standing tradition in our family to pin the kids down, 'type' on their chest (to tickle) and tap them on the side of the head like a typewriter. If this was done to an adult and it wasn't stopped when the adult asked for it, I would consider it abusive. However I never considered this the case with kids.
Thanks for your post. This has made me reconsider my position on tickling the kids after they said "stop". I had never considered it like that and I'm glad I've been given the chance to.
I saw an episode of Judging Amy once that had a plotline about that. Basically they said this family was unintentionally abusing the youngest kid by holding him down and tickling him when he begged them to stop.
I think its usually ok to do a little bit of tickling, but you shouldn't ever push it past the point where the person starts getting upset, and that goes for kids too.
I am really, really glad someone posted on this topic. What constitutes abuse doesn't always have to appear, on the surface, to be "harmful" to "public concensus." What constitutes abuse is the damage that it does to the victim's feelings of control, self-worth, and self-esteem.
My dad used to tickle me until I was crying and peeing and pleading for him to stop, and he thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I would feel angry and nauseous afterward, and he couldn't understand why I would be mad at him. It was embarrassing to lose control of my bladder like that when I was well past the age of being in diapers.
I still feel like puking when I think of it. Tickling is such an awful, awful tool of humiliation when wielded by the sadistic.
omg I'm so sorry that happened to you. That is really awful.
That was one of the major factors in breaking up with one of my exes. It got to the point where I wouldn't sit close to him for fear of being tickled. He thought it was a riot when I got so freaked out that I accidentally elbowed him in the face a couple times, but less funny when I accidentally kicked him in the testicles.
If they don't respect you when it comes to tickling, you have to wonder where else they'll stop respecting you.
Ugh I'm terribly ticklish and I hate hate hate being tickled. Unfortunately I'm so ticklish that it can pop up at in opportune times like foreplay.
So, she needs to get over not liking being tickled, eh? What bullshit. Why should she have to like it? Whose mind is it anyway?
What she needs to tell him is this:
"Read my lips. I...Don't...Like...It."
Then reach for the pepper spray.
"Next time you do that I will pepper spray your ass. Do not test me on this. Now get out, and don't come back until you've figured out what it means to respect my wishes and treat me the way I want to be treated."
Often people fail to realize that rape isn't horrible just because of how violent it might be, but because of how it violates a person's right to their body, and not to participate just because somebody else want's it. A lot of people might look at it and think that because it's not obviously painful, and people can enjoy it, then it can't be a bad thing. But if they don't want it then yes it's bad!
I'm glad this was posted. My mum, gran and brother used to hold me down and tickle me and I hated it. Another thing in my family was to grab people's knees in a way that was both ticklish and sore. Being tickled today still makes me feel sick to the point where I can't have people stand behind me because I'm scared they'll tickle me. I explain it to partners by saying that it's the same as if they punched me in the face.