I'm sorry, but know that a lot of women are in a similar position as you. I didn't know where my clitoris was until my current SO showed me in a mirror (the first time I'd ever looked at myself) about a half a year ago... and I'm a senior in college now. I need a lot of foreplay in order for sex not to hurt, and it usually either doesn't work and I still hurt or I get bored and am satisfied after so much foreplay.

The best advice I can offer that worked for me, which may not work for you and that is fine, is to just try and look at your vulva with a small mirror with your husband showing you and telling you what part of your anatomy is has what name. Have him smile and tell you it is beautiful, and try saying that it is beautiful to yourself. If you can, try touching yourself while looking in the mirror as well.

I still feel gross touching my own vulva, so I touch it through my underwear or sometimes use my fiancees finger to scratch it if available and I need it, so whatever you do, just know that your vulva is not gross, you are not at fault for feeling ashamed, and you are not alone ^.^

I am very sorry to hear this. Your post shows clearly that you are conflicted and confused. Though I do not know precisely what to suggest based on how you have written your post, I will try my best.

For starters, it is not uncommon at all for women to feel so uncomfortable with their own sexual organs and their own sexuality to either not masturbate at all or do so rarely. I remember when I was in high school one of my friends played soccer and was on a mission to enlighten her teammates as to why they didn't need to feel guilty for masturbating.

I also remember taking a sex ed course in undergrad. One assignment assigned us was for every person in the class to correctly label and specify the function of each part of the female reproductive system. I didn't get everything right, but I couldn't help but notice that I, a man, knew more of them than any woman in the class.

As for the pain you feel with stimulation, that could very well be a matter for a doctor and I defer to his or her knowledge in this regard.

Every woman has their own mental and physical checklist to reach orgasm. Some figure it out very young, some never do. There is no way, reading your post, that I could figure exactly what you should think or do to overcome this issue. Seeing a sexual therapist or other expert (preferably female) would be a good first step.

It does sound to me, however, that your mental insecurity is the real hang up. This can also cause men to have impotence issues even when they are physically healthy. It sounds like physically you are OK, since you write that "stimulation is so full of sensation that it hurts". Your clitoris is probably working just fine, it is just a matter of overcoming your mental blocks to full orgasmic pleasure. I've been with women who stop me when they have too much pleasure, thus preventing themselves from ever reaching orgasm. I can only guess it's like being tickled too much to where it hurts and you have to stop. Somehow you need to reach that mental space where you can handle that stimulation, let it build, and then reach the next level. Like I said, maybe professional help is what you need.

But don't feel bad, and don't feel like there is something wrong with you. Those negative thoughts are part of the problem. Once you see this as an exciting challenge that many people have been through, you'll be ready to take it on. Writing this post is a good first step.

Well... the hard thing I can imagine here is that you might have emotional processing to do, and it can be hard to get that out of the way and learn what you like.

Learn a bit about your body, using a mirror, and accept whatever feelings you have as being normal. They're you're feelings; you're normal; therefore, the feelings are normal.

Start to play, trying different things. Try to separate out each set of feelings - what's a thought? What's an emotion? What's a physical reaction to an emotion? And what's actually feeling good, or bad, where?

So, if you do (this), and you feel scared and tense, but it feels good, and you think maybe you're doing something wrong, you have

a bit of fear
a bit of tension/anxiety
but this feels good
and "maybe this is wrong".

A catalog, right? And each of those is normal, and if they happen again, well, you know them - you've felt them before, and you can deal, right? So, when you feel ready, try the same thing, or something else.

Our bodies, minds, and emotions are all connected, so don't be surprised if strange things make strange connections. But keep playing, and keep feeling, and thinking, and deciding what you want to do, and where you want to go. Most importantly, own what you're doing, and where you're going - if you decide you don't like it too hard/too fast/too intense, okay, try it lighter/slower/less intense.

And, don't count out getting help from your partner. Things *do* feel very different when done *to* us than when we do them to ourselves. For example, it's nearly impossible to tickle yourself. He might have some ideas on what might work, and you might find stuff you want him to do, or don't want him to do, and you might find more stuff to try out solo, if you can.

The important thing, IMHO, is to explore, rather than seek out a goal.

Good luck.

If you want to make another go at masturbating (not that I think you should, it just seems like it's something that you are trying to do), realize that you might not masturbate the same way everyone else does. There is no "right way" to do it.

Personally, I have a harder time reaching orgasm when there is direct clitoris stimulation, too. It often gets me overstimulated to the point of pain. Therefore, even when I was young, I had found a much better indirect way to masturbate, which also might work for you because you're not quite touching yourself directly.

For me, it takes two hands. What I did (and still do) is rub my clitoris through my labia majora. With one hand (my left middle finger, actually), I press my left outside labia VERY lightly. This is the "anchor." Then with the other hand (right middle finger), I apply really light, flicking pressure to the clitoris through the outside of the right labia, quickly rubbing up and down. I keep it light, so I don't get over sensitized, and a dry finger doesn't wick away the moisture I produce. Also, my hands stay relatively clean because they only press on the outside of my labia.

It also might be that nothing is wrong and no different masturbation technique will work for you, you just might be someone who doesn't enjoy sex. That's not a bad thing. Sometimes, it's just what happens. Good luck to you.

I cannot recommend the book "I

The website where you can order the book is here:

www.sexualityeducation.com

Best of luck!

Sorry, don't know what happened with my comment! Here's the full version:

I cannot recommend the book "I

The website where you can order the book is here:

www.sexualityeducation.com

Best of luck!

Not sure what's happening, but I'm trying to recommend a book by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller to you. You can get it at the website I mentioned, and it's really really great, informative, feminist, encouraging, and funny.

I know it has already been said, but these are very normal feelings and nothing to be ashamed of. I do highly recommend masturbation though, it is a great way to become more comfortable with your body and your sexuality, and can be quite empowering.

One thing that is important to remember is that you dont always have to orgasm for it to be worthwhile. It doesn't even have to be the intended goal. Like others have said, just try different things, and if you find something that gets you off, great. You may want to try running warm water from a tap directly over your clitoris. This way you can easily control the intensity of the flow. If manual stimulation is too intense at times then you may not like the vibrator so much.

Also when you masturbate or have sex do you fantasize? I have a lot of trouble "letting go" sometimes and thinking of a fantasy i enjoy REALLY helps.

Have fun, explore, and don't stress too much about "right" or "wrong". Good luck.

I suppose this all sort of centers on whether or not you would like to experience orgasms. If you are satisfied with the sex you have with your husband, and don't particularly WANT an orgasm, then my advice is not to worry about it.

The feeling I always got from classmates and friends (at various ages) was that NOT masturbating was "sad," or "lame." "EVERYONE does that. If you're saying you don't, you're a liar." I didn't ever feel the desire to masturbate until I was 20, and had lost my virginity. My fiance has a much stronger sex drive than I do, and it wasn't until we were apart for three months that I even considered masturbation.

My point is, don't feel forced into doing something that you don't want to do, because people are saying that "everyone does it," or they somehow think you're weird if you don't. If you don't want to, don't. If you don't feel the need or desire, why stress yourself about it?

But of course there is the other side of the coin. If you DO want to experience orgasm, and your husband's attempts are not working or are painful, you really have few options other than masturbation. I have heard some things about hypnosis (listening to an audio clip of someone hypnotizing you, and when they use the trigger word, you're supposed to orgasm), but I don't know how true or helpful that is.

On a side note...a previous commenter mentioned "running warm water from a tap directly onto your clitoris." While this may be helpful for you in masturbation, it is nothing like the sensation a parter's (or even your own) hand or fingers will give you. If you are wanting to figure out what you like, and then teach your husband to do that exact thing, running water will not help you--his hand simply cannot be the same.

Fantasy is also really helpful. Even watching the crappy "porn" they play on Cinemax at night can be stimulating (though heaven knows WHY...).

I don't know if any of this helps, but your post strikes me as something that I would have written three or four years ago, and I just wanted to put down my thoughts and experiences. I hope you become comfortable with yourself, masturbation and/or orgasm or not.

"I own a vibrator but never worked up the nerve to use it. Sex feels good, but stimulation is so full of sensation it hurts."

Do you mean stimulation of the clitoris hurts? I can't be touched directly on the clitoris, it's way too intense and often times painful. However, non direct stimulation just above the clitoris on the hood is great and that's how I reach orgasm.

Would your anxiety about a vibrator be lessened if you used it with your partner? Perhaps if your SO made you feel more comfortable about it then you could use it yourself.

One thing that I think you should know is that you do not need to feel ashamed of what you are experiencing.

I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my current partner for four years, and I used to be really hung up about the fact that I have never (that I know of) orgasmed. I have also never really masturbated.

Throughout my life I have had well-meaning female friends tell me how awful it must be, how much I am missing out on, and how they would love to teach me to orgasm. I think, for me at least, that this was where the shame came from, That somehow I wasn't a complete woman and must be sexually repressed.

I spent a long time trying to bring myself to orgasm. I got to know my body, tried masturbation techniques etc, and though it felt *nice*, the fact that it never got further than that, and the same was true in sex, made me feel like a failure.

That changed for me when I read Anais Nin's book of erotic stories, "Delta of Venus." I began to read more out of curiosity than anything else, and with no intention of "getting off", but as I read I began to feel aroused, and more importantly, the sexual stories she told - in which sex was almost a holy thing, a communion of bodies and a mutual celebratory worship of each other, and in which the protagonists were almost always women - made a strong impact on the way in which I viewed my body, sex, and orgasm. I had been looking at sex as a task in which I had to succeed, I think. Something that I had to try to be good at. Reading Anais Nin turned sex for me from this into something to enjoy, to revel in, to take slowly and lose yourself in.

Once I forgot about orgasming I started to allow myself to really experience what I was feeling, to understand my body, its sensitive areas and what I liked. I started to make noise during sex. This was something that has become very important to me. Even the act of moaning allows me to let myself go, and stop worrying about other people who might hear or how silly I might seem.

I'm not saying that this book will work for you the way it has for me, but what I am trying to say is that sex is about the journey, not the destination. For me, that journey is one to share with someone, and for that reason I still don't masturbate often, but I do find myself occasionally masturbating without realising, just because it feels good, and that's a much better reason, in my opinion, than to do it *in order to* orgasm. But the most important thing is to stop worrying about what is supposed to happen and to discover the ways in which your body reacts.

I've still never experienced the "fireworks" that some women talk about. But I don't really care. Sex now feels good all the way from the beginning to the end, because I'm no longer so distracted about not orgasming that I forget to enjoy what I am feeling. Remember woman's sexuality is not linear, we don't usually work up to one big moment and explode like men. Our sexuality is plural - it can start anywhere and end everywhere; it can go up and down and up again, and fill you up with warmth without needing to overflow.
You say that "sex feels good", and that's all that matters. Forget about everything else, and focus on that. Have some fun with it, skip the genitals altogether if you find them boring - try playing with each other's neck, toes, armpits, fingertips, the skin on your bottom cheeks, the backs of your knees, the tops of your thighs, the crease behind your ears, the sides of your stomach - kiss each other everywhere and anywhere, as long as it feels good - just enjoy each other.

Forget about being good-at-sex, and you might just find that you will finally discover sex that is good-for-you.

Girl, you are NOT alone. Hell, I haven't been able to masturbate in months. I went through a bad breakup, am still in love with the guy, and have found that my heart breaks every time I try to masturbate because it reminds me of sex with him. I think this shows how emotions are SO tied up with sex for so many people, and it can be a serious struggle to overcome those fears/anxieties. I know I'm not offering any real advice here, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Read Woman An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier and fall in love with every part of your body, from your clitoris to your chromosomes.

http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Intimate-Geography-Natalie-Angier/dp/0385498411

and sex should never (or very very very very very rarely and with exception) hurt. You should be wet and ready, that's not vulgar, that's science.

I understand what you are going through; my sisters and I were told basically about bras and tampons and not to have sex before we were married. I didn't know what the clit did until my first/current SO. He was much more experienced than me and has always been totally understanding of my sexual shyness. It's hard when we are so shy about our bodies for so long to just try and get in touch with them. It's a hurdle. Before you can come physically, you have to let go psychologically. And it took me some time. I had no idea what coming was like. I'm still shy and quiet about sex, but I've become much more relaxed than I used to be. I'm just saying that you're not alone (like others have said) and press on.

My wife can easily experience orgasm, within minutes, and even with penetration only. However, like you describe, sexual stimulation itself may be too intense. Countless times, my wife will make me stop doing whatever I'm doing because "that's enough," or "I'm going to die." Really. And I take no credit for that, because she can do it to herself just by touching.

My wife claims not to need sex, sexual stimulation or orgasm, and can go multiple years without sex, so what you describe would be no problem for her. My wife prefers helping the children with math homework or cleaning preferable to physical affection. According to her, sex would take time, tire her legs, or cause her to perspire. Granted, there are also numerous things I consider preferable to sex, like the Internet or television. It would only be a problem for you if you felt you were somehow lacking. Do you believe your experience or lack of experience is a problem?

Lots of advice here, but I would say, whatever you do for yourself psychologically, do get your hormone levels checked and a physical in general, if you haven't already.

It is not bad, or wrong, or even necessarily a sign of a medical problem to not feel arousal/desire that makes you want to masturbate/orgasm--I can only say from my own experience that arousal occured without me having to try to make it happen, from a young age, so my first thought was that you might have a medical reason for not feeling arousal.

Some people do have naturally low levels of desire, with no underlying issues. But you should rule that out, first.

I would also say that reading erotica is an excellent test; reading it alone, all kinds (hetero and otherwise) and seeing if any of it has an effect on you of any kind whatsoever. Can you fantasize, at all? Does that do anything for you?

I'm not a big fan of porn, but as far as visuals go, there's a female artist, Jess Fink, who does erotic comics that are woman-friendly and in my opinion, pretty hot, in case visuals work better for you than words.

http://jessfink.com/erotic_comics.html

Of course all of this is contingent on whether *you* think you need to try to go beyond where you are now, which only you can say.

I concur with the "no direct clit stimulation."

My prefer way of masturbation is rubbing up against a pillow. You can press through the pillow and rub slow or fast.

And don't feel like you need to orgasm the first time, the second time...or heck, even the 10th time. It's your time to explore what you like.

(if you want them) *hugs*. you're definately not alone.
When i was trying to explore my sexual self more one thing i found that was really holding me back was performance anxiety. I found it helped not to think of what i was going as improving, but just as exploring.
Maybe it'll help to keep in mind all the things you like about where you are at the moment. There are things you enjoy about sex, you like your body etc..Don't worry if you don't enjoy one thing, find something else that you enjoy.
And if you decide that it isn't an aspect of your life you want to develop in one way or another thats ok too. Although many people enjoy orgasms as a part of their sex life it doesn't mean that its somethign you need to be happy.

It's much easier to masturbate if you're already aroused. What arouses you?

I am sorry you find yourself in a situation like this. I am by no means an expert, but from what you wrote it seems like your physical problems with masturbation (not getting anything out of it, etc) stem from a mental block of some sort. You say you are no longer ashamed of your body (so you've clearly worked out some issues), but you don't yet feel comfortable with it. I think one way to increase your comfort with your own body is to explore it more often and look at it.

I read somewhere that the reason people often like the look of their genitals less than the look of their faces is because their faces are what they are used to seeing, all the time. So make it a point to look at your vulva every day. A few times. I don't even think a mirror is necessary - you can do it sitting down (at least I can)

I've never faced a problem like yours, but what I think I would do in your situation is get myself some resources (literature, videos, etc) and just make it a point to work with that in a relaxed environment on regular basis. I know it may not be fun for you now, as you mentioned, and it sounds counter-intuitive to do something people usually do for fun without having any, but look at it as a long term investment.

I really think that a big part of enjoying sexuality arises from past positive experiences in that area, so the more positive and self-aware experiences you have, the better it will be.

So that's what I would do. Best of luck.

It's not you. This is extreeeeemely common.

It may also not be a static situation. Sexual response changes over the course of your life, and a woman who doesn't orgasm at all at one point may end up with a hair trigger for multiple orgasms later on. Trust me.

I would recommend taking the pressure off. Have a couple of sips of wine, light a couple of candles, and spend a few hours/evenings/weeks exploring your body without trying to have an orgasm. You can do this with or without a partner. Your goal is spending the time and gaining knowledge, not coming.

Spending a couple of months in relaxed non-goal-oriented pursuit of pleasure may eventually result in orgasm, but even if it doesn't...hey, it's pretty damned good on its own. Think of it as an all expense paid cruise that has to turn back before reaching its final destination. Yeah, that island would have been cool, but hey, you've just spent a week on a big floating party with all you can eat buffets, and that ain't bad.

Okay - I need to start by saying that this post made me sad.. but also that this is so common it's not even funny. I used to work for Good Vibrations (women focused sex shop in San Francisco) for years and women would come in DAILY with the same issue. One woman in particular stands out in my mind. She was in her 50's and had never had an orgasm while having sex. This is when I had to give her the news: about 90% of women can't have an orgasm from penetration alone.. it's all about the clitoris. This woman started crying before me, saying she had thought something was wrong with her for all these years. That broke my heart because it's true, hardly any women know this because of the lack of PROPER sex education.
I had to work hard to get the information I now have. After living a life of harassment and abuse, I decided to figure out my body so that it was MINE. So that I knew EVERYTHING I needed to know about it and this is when everything changed. I really feel that you can't fully enjoy sex with another person until you REALLY know your body and what it likes and dislikes.. and how it responds to some things and not other things. A partner can help, sure.. but it really comes down to you focusing on yourself and knowing all your parts, the names of them and how they function. I have to say, this will also boost your self esteem by about a million percent because you won't need someone else to tell you why you should love yourself. You'll know it! Knowledge really is power.

It's nothing to get too worried about. I, in particular, love to masturbate and I do all the time. But, there are definately periods where I either just can't get into it, or after awhile of trying to get to an orgasm i get burnt out and give up. While it can be unnerving, it isn't something to lose sleep over. Just like people go through periods of restless sleep, people go through slumps with masturbating.

One of the best things for you to do is discover. I agree with ohmymaybee, knowledge is power in this instance. and everyone likes different things, so instead of looking at masturbation as the bane of your existance (not that you do, but in metaphoric terms...) look at it as a fun way of discovering your body and what you like, what makes you feel good. Look at it as a game!

As for the vibrator, ease into it. I'd say learn the manual maneuvers before test-driving the automatic. Vibrators are definately one of the best inventions, and I feel like any woman would be doing themselves a disservice of not at least trying one out, but definately not until they've gotten the basics of masturbating down.

It will come to you.

Take the pressure off of yourself to have an orgasm. Don't think of it as an end goal, think of it as a bonus. Start with the basics- ask yourself what makes your body feel good and where your fantasies take you. It doesn't have to be anything complicated. If you aren't sure what you like, then start with what you know. You mentioned that you enjoy your sexuality through your husband, so maybe fantasizing about letting him watch you masturbate could be a turn-on. Or if you ready to take it to the next level, you could let him watch and then have him join in and help you. Once you have a good idea of what you like and if you are comfortable with it, you can add some erotic literature, porn, pics or toys. Let your imagination wander and indulge your naughtiest fantasies. You might have to push your limits and get slightly out of your comfort zone to figure out what works and what doesn't work. Adding a glass of wine could help you let go of your inhibitions and let you experiment a bit more. I've also found that sexy lingerie, lube, massage oil, etc, helps me get into the mood and makes my experience better. If you don't like the vibe you have, there are lots of toys out there to choose from. Maybe you need one with a lot of settings on it so that you have more control over the stimulation you're getting.

Good luck!

There's no way to know if this is exactly appropriate for you just based on your one post, but I wanted to throw this out as a resource on asexuality:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Again, there's no way for me to know if this is what you need, but the other commenters have done a great job of covering the "you actually do want to have an orgasm but just can't" possibility.

There is also a condition called vulvodynia that causes pain in the vulva that you might want to look into: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vulvodynia/DS00159 I can't tell from your post if it's a strong possibility, because direct clitoral stimulation is painful for a lot of women (myself included).

Good luck!