I recently wrote a post about my confusion regarding my sexuality. More specifically, my confusion in how I could articulate myself to the people close to me so they would be assured that I was doing this whole "gay thing"...right.
And that got me thinking. Because, when I get down to the core of it, as far as being lesbian, straight, bi- or pansexual, I'm essentially still on the fence. And I think that confuses people.
We're all supposed to choose a side. Whether it's a political party or a sexual orientation, a religion or a country, we are encouraged to choose a side and then stick with it. If we deviate from it, we are hypocrites at worst, or just wishy-washy idiots at best.
I'm going to speak about women, because as a woman, that's the experience I know best. I believe that bisexuals, unfortunately, are simply not taken seriously. Oh, you're bisexual? Well, that doesn't mean anything. I mean, it's probably just because you're trying to trendy, or you're trying to be as sexy as possible to men, because everyone knows there is nothing a man finds sexier than a woman making out with another woman. Bisexuality simply isn't appreciated as a fully fledged sexual orientation, like gay or lesbian. It's more of a gimmick.
And that's the pressure I have felt, even from myself. I have been accused of using an orientation that is not lesbian/straight as a "convenience;" meaning that if someone shows interest in me, it doesn't matter which gender they are because I'm simply keeping my options open. So I can shower in the attention of all. Isn't that another way of calling me a whore? A superficial whore with self-esteem issues?
Anybody who is on the fence is never taken seriously. Whether they don't have a firm political party to attach themselves to, no firm sexual orientation to belong to, or no religion to belong to (agnostics), they have no voice and thus no worth. As someone who doesn't belong to any political party, still hasn't decided whether any sexual orientation will work, and a firm agnostic, sometimes I feel invisible.
What's wrong with not knowing?
**As a quick disclaimer, I'd like to stress that while I believe bisexuality and pansexuality are fully-fledged sexual orientations in their own right, I don't believe they are taken seriously as "real" orientations. Bisexuality is often seen as trendy and shallow, and a lot of people don't even know what pansexuality is.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: On the Fence.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/17244
I read your original post but didn't have a chance to comment.
What you just wrote is precisely the reason I choose to identify as "queer" rather than with any particular sexual orientation (as I've written here before). It means that I'm definitely not straight, and that I acknowledge that my sexuality is fluid and open, so I don't feel the need to put myself in a category (which to me feel just as restrictive as being straight). If people ask me to elaborate, I tell them (if I feel comfortable doing so) that I'm a woman who is attracted to people of all genders, though my primary attractions tend to be to men and feminine women. I go through periods of my life where I tend to be attracted more to on type of person or another, but that's not being flakey and it doesn't mean I'm not "really" [fill in the blank]. We can keep on making new terms for people like me as we wish (bisexual, pansexual, etc), and I don't want to take away someone's identity who feels that they've found a label that fits them. But my observation is that labels, no matter how many of them there are, tend to lead to concerns like yours -- am I really a lesbian if I am sometimes attracted to men and don't want to have sex with women? Am I really bisexual if I'm primarily attracted to the opposite sex? Am I really straight if my partner is trans?
These kinds of questions shook me for several years, until I finally came to the place I am now -- I accept that I'm attracted to whomever I'm attracted to, and this might change over time. This puts me in solidarity with anyone who isn't heterosexual or who rejects the gender and sex binaries, regardless of how we label ourselves.
Your experience may differ from mine, and I'm not saying you should give up on labels altogether if they provide some comfort and identity for you. But no matter what label(s) you choose or reject for yourself, know that whomever you're attracted to now is ok, whomever you're attracted to tomorrow is ok, and whatever makes you happy (between consenting adults) is ok! Never let anyone (queer or straight) tell you that you're not "really" whatever you feel you are -- that's your call to make, not theirs.
Good luck in your struggle with these tricky issues.
As someone who identifies as bisexual, I certainly understand where you are coming from. Though attitudes have changed a bit, bisexuality in men is taken a bit more seriously, though I find in exclusively gay male circles bisexuals are sometimes seen as indecisive and inclined to be conflicted.
After I came out to my parents, my mother's reaction was that I slept with men when I couldn't find a woman to sleep with. Sadly, this seems to be a common view for more than just a homophobic parent.
I agree with you - I would also say that we are supposed to pick a side that has a clearly defined opposite (devout ____ or militant atheist, hetero or homo, lifetime monogamy or prostitution, Madonna or whore, GOP or DNC, pro-life or pro choice, young Earth creationist or double-helix worshipping Darwinist).
I think we're encouraged to think in these binaries because we look for systems and simplicity - and life is everything but simple.
I also want you to know that I am also more-or-less on the fence as regards sexual orientation. I call myself bisexual because somehow "queer" doesn't fit, but I don't like the ties bisexual has to the sex/gender binary.
Good luck on your journey!
I'm not saying this in a judging way at all, since I'm right there with you, but: why do you have to decide on one label at all?
I suppose I would most accurately be described as pansexual but I don't ever really talk about it and so I am quite comfortable in my own head without a label at all. Maybe that is just me, though.
I bet there would be a lot less pressure and confusion to "choose a side" if *consent* and especially, *non-consent*, were actually taken seriously. As in: yeah, I like wearing very short skirts and I'm hot for that person there, but not for you. Take a hike. This should not be complicated. The only reason it is is because women's bodies, and by extension male "bottoms"' bodies ('cause they're just like women don't ya know), are seen as public property. The minute this goes away, the issue of pigeonholing your sexuality should not even come up.