Lately, I have been thinking a lot about when feminists use the statement “maybe that makes me a bad feminist” when describing personal choices they have made in their lives.
What makes a good feminist? I think a good feminist is an individual who fights for women’s right to live a fulfilling, satisfied, safe and equal life. (There are many strands of feminism, which may have additional focuses or different definitions, but that is fundamentally what it means to me.)
But yet, there are many women who fight hard for women’s rights yet feel apologetic over being a “bad feminist” for choosing to wear heels, be a stay at home mom, get married and change their last name etc.
I find this very troubling. How have we as feminist come to define what we should be so narrowly that we believe we should be apologetic for our personal life choices? I believe that one of the main goals of feminism is to provide women with the ability to choose their choice and live the life that they choose, whatever that may look like.
In the future, I am going to try to avoid apologizing for being a “bad feminist” for any of my personal life choices as long the following two things are true:
1. That it was my choice
2. That I am still fighting for women’s rights
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You bring up a very good point.
Also, I think this may be one of the reasons why many women choose not to call themselves feminists. They feel that by wearing high heels, makeup, and embracing some of the cultural norms they are going against what feminism is. They may also be pro-choice and want to tear at the gender stereotypes but feel that they won't fit feminism because of how they present themselves. It is this belief that you have to be ONE way or think ONE thing that is central to what we are fighting against. Meaning that Feminists have to be angry, and women must be compliant and wash that laundry. This also brings up the stereotype that real women are not feminists. FUCK THAT!
Anyway, I agree--we should stop apologizing for being a "bad feminist". Actually, we should stop apologizing for who we are in general. People are complex...I wish society would stop putting us in boxes.
Speaking of putting people in boxes, isn't that what people do to themselves when they choose to call themselves as feminist or non-feminist/anti-feminist (except if they actually are members of an organization that labels itself as "feminist"), making you sound like you were in fact just preparing yourself for a checkbox survey?
Yes, I agree with this. I'm sorry if I sounded confusing in that regard. I believe that calling yourself a feminist is a personal choice. The stereotype that real women are not feminists is a falsehood because womanhood encompasses a lot of different aspects, being feminist if you choose is one of them. Again, people are complex beings.
For the longest time I was apprehensive about calling myself a feminist--I still am actually. I have a strong distaste for labels of any kind. In the end, I am myself and my beliefs reflect that. I won't let anyone change that. So yes, calling yourself a feminist is in a sense the same as putting yourself in a box.
Even if calling yourself a feminist is a personal choice, doing so seems as such pointless unless one is actually referring to membership in an organization with "feminism" in its name, since it doesn't tell anything about your opinions. I've seen all sorts of people calling themselves feminists - regardless how conservative or progressive, how stereotypically or ambiguously-gendered, how pro-choice or anti-choice - and the same goes for people calling themselves non-feminist.
If a person asks you "are you a feminist or not?", I believe a serious answer is something else than a silly "yes" or a "no".
You bring up a very good point.
Also, I think this may be one of the reasons why many women choose not to call themselves feminists. They feel that by wearing high heels, makeup, and embracing some of the cultural norms they are going against what feminism is. They may also be pro-choice and want to tear at the gender stereotypes but feel that they won't fit feminism because of how they present themselves. It is this belief that you have to be ONE way or think ONE thing that is central to what we are fighting against. Meaning that Feminists have to be angry, and women must be compliant and wash that laundry. This also brings up the stereotype that real women are not feminists. FUCK THAT!
Anyway, I agree--we should stop apologizing for being a "bad feminist". Actually, we should stop apologizing for who we are in general. People are complex...I wish society would stop putting us in boxes.
Okay, but we can't go saying that every choice a woman makes is okay, and is therefore the feminist thing to do. Feminism isn;t about choice, it's about chaning society's structure (patriarchy) so that women have a choice.
Feminism isn;t about choice [sic]
no disrespect, but i seriously lol'ed when i read that.
as long as it is a free choice made by the woman (nobody/nothing is pressuring her), and nobody is getting hurt (like what paper tiger said) everything is a feminist choice, whether you personally agree with it or not. feminism IS about choice. i dont know how you could possibly argue otherwise.
everything is a feminist choice
Really? By that I take it you mean every choice a woman makes. But if every choice a woman made was a feminist one, with no regard to what the influences were on that choice, then feminism as a movement would be defunct.
I think the truth is somewhere between your position and that of the parent post. Feminism is about equality more than it is about choice, but we can't get equality without the same broad range of choices for men and women. You could say it is about the ability of the genders to make equal choices with equal freedom and equal consequence.
Feminism isn;t about choice [sic]
no disrespect, but i seriously lol'ed when i read that.
as long as it is a free choice made by the woman (nobody/nothing is pressuring her), and nobody is getting hurt (like what paper tiger said) everything is a feminist choice, whether you personally agree with it or not. feminism IS about choice. i dont know how you could possibly argue otherwise.
I COMPLETELY agree with your post! I mean seriously, how patronizing is it to demand another woman makes the same choices as you do or else?
If it was HER decision and she wouldn't force, coerce or pressure anyone else ot think like her yet fight for the right of others to do the complete opposite WHY question her as a feminist?
If every woman who actually ENJOYS heels, makeup, heterosex with cis men are all a bunch of mind controlled she-freaks what does that say about feminism's fight for choice? You can't fight for choice while shunning people who make a decision you don't like. It's like claiming to be pro-choice but thinking everyone who doesn't abort is pro-life by default EVEN if they are on the frontlines of the fight for reproductive justice.
Hear, hear!
It's not like there's some orthodox interpretation of what Feminism is or isn't. If there's a list of do's and don'ts out there I don't know about, then do clue me in, please.
I struggle with this somewhat as a male feminist. I absolutely support feminist causes, but I'm a huge fan of pin-up art and love drawing images of sexy girls. I have standards when it comes to pin-ups (no rape, no bondage without clear consent, etc) but I'm often made to feel guilty because of this hobby.
But when it comes down to it? It's fantasy and I KNOW it's fantasy. In real life I'm respectful, I keep my hands to myself, and I don't make crude comments to women in public or in private. And just because I like to look at images of sexy girls in my spare time doesn't mean I think a woman is below or can't do anything I can do.
This is simple for me.
There is no such thing as a bad feminist choice as long as it does not hurt others, nor betray anyone.
I'm open to suggestions that this way of thinking may be flawed, but it works for me.
Okay, no one's perfect, and there is some diversity and leeway,but there are some things that aren't feminist- like objectifying others. If you make that choice, then that isn't feminist.
Okay, no one's perfect, and there is some diversity and leeway,but there are some things that aren't feminist- like objectifying others. If you make that choice, then that isn't feminist.
"There is no such thing as a bad feminist choice as long as it does not hurt others, nor betray anyone."
This statement is deceptive: on one hand, it seems very cut and dry. But on the other...it's totally not.
These words--"hurt" and "betray"--are very subjective. A decision that I make may not hurt the majority of people, but it may hurt a small minority. My decision to change my last name when I get married may, to some, seem to be a betrayal of everything that they stand for.
For me, being a feminist is about choice. I choose to take my fiance's last name, I choose to do all the things that I do. And if those choices make ME happy, then I don't think that anyone else's opinions of whether I am a "good" or "bad" feminist should matter. I'm not saying that it doesn't (because the average human is not able to completely ignore what other people think of them), but it most definitely shouldn't.
Be who you want to be. If other people don't like it, then they don't have to spend time with you. Do what makes you happy. If other people can't stand to see that--even if what you're doing is somehow in their eyes making you a "bad" feminist--then you can tell them to avert their eyes until you're out of the room. :p
I think that as long as the choice that a feminist is making does not objectify other women, does not cause direct harm to another woman, is not in support of things that cause direct harm to other women etc then the choice that she is making is feminist. She is standing up and making a choice regardless of what others think of her. She is not going to allow anyone- feminist or not- to tell her what to do with her body. Now that is something that I can get bihind
I don't want to get into what makes a woman a "good" or "bad" feminist, but I will add that I have heard on feminist sites sometimes people accusing others of "not really being feminists" because they don't agree with something they've said. It makes me angry because one person's definition of what makes a feminist might not necessarily be the same as another's, and also ideas on how to achieve equality may also differ. However much I disagree with some things other feminists say, I would never say they're not feminist - not only does that presume that I'm correct and I know better (which I might not be) but it also presumes that I have the right to define who they are (I don't, I am not Queen Feminist, even if sometimes I like to think I am)!
Question: Can a pro-life activist still be a feminist or a "bad" feminist? Personal choices and life choices like getting married/wearing heels don't infringe upon other women's rights, but what about actions that directly contradict issues central to feminism?
that's the sort of thing I mean
Obviously it's silly to frame people as 'good' feminists and 'bad' feminists, but I still think it's important that we don't exempt ourselves from criticism. Sometimes I think we overdo it a bit as a community, but sometimes people can make choices, in good faith, that will unintentionally hurt others.
For example, Kate Moss made the choice to say "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", which, no doubt, she'd defend as her personal motto, but I think most of us would agree that saying that in the public arena is a very unfeminist thing to do, as it adds to the pressures on women to conform to a certain societal norm.
So yes, let's get away from this dichotomy of good and bad feminists, but let's keep up our healthy criticism of the patriarchy at the same time.
Well said!
Well said!
Round and round and round it goes...looks like we're back on the "Can you be a feminist if ___" merry-go-round again. I'll say again what I've said before: Just because we are feminists does not mean our actions are automatically exempt from criticism. And questioning and critically examining our actions is something we should undertake regularly, to suss out where we are acting proactively feminist and where we are not. A feminist can choose to act in ways preferred by our patriarchal culture and still be a feminist. However, the actions she undertakes are not themselves automatically feminist actions simply because of the feminist identification of the person doing them. I really want to emphasize that point. Being a feminist does not make everything you do feminist. I am making a very clear distinction between identification and action here, in case I hadn't quite hit you over the head with it hard enough yet, so please don't bother to accuse me of judging or calling people unfeminist, as happened the last time I got into this discussion around these parts. It is a factually untrue accusation and a waste of time to argue about, but that particular shit got knee-deep last time this happened, so I'd rather head it off at the pass this time just in case.
For the long version of this, written over the summer after another post like this one here on 'nisting Community asploded, check out If A Feminist Falls In The Woods, Is Falling A Feminist Act?
I read your blog post and completely understand what you are saying, and agree. In fact reading that has made me realise how simplistic my own mantra (posted above) was.
:]
Of course, the other question would be - if not everything you do is a feminist act, can you still call yourself a feminist?
There is no possible way that everything anyone does could be a feminist act. We are forced to compromise daily.
Funny, I considered that when I was rereading my old blog post to make sure it was still applicable to this thread - where is the critical mass at which one may no longer be considered feminist? As I admitted in the post, I myself tend to conform more or less to patriarchal beauty standards, including going to time and expense to do so (buying "feminine" clothing, shaving legs and underarms, wearing makeup). Is that enough to render me no longer a feminist? Or is it counterbalanced by the feminist acts I undertake (such as calling out rape jokes, voting for feminist and woman-friendly politicians, seeking out and patronizing woman-owned businesses, etc.)? Where is the line between "feminist who does some unfeminist things" and "not a feminist?" Topic for a new post, I think! :-)
Good Question! I hope you make the thread.
My initial thought would be, for sake of an arbitrary definition, something to do with forward momentum.
I think the position society is in at the moment is a kind of equilibrium. The historical influence of patriarchy is dragging us in one direction. Our current decisions and activism drag society in the other. If you only make as many feminist choices as the average person does then all you are achieving is maintaining the current equilibrium. However if you make sufficient actions to take your individual sphere closer to equality than society in general (even by the tiniest amount) then you're a feminist.
Of course, you could argue that on average, decisions are more feminist anyway, so there is no need to do more than the average person to call yourself a feminist. However, feminist is the term we use to describe activists for feminism. Can you really be an activist if you do no more than the average person?
Actually, hang on a moment - what you seem to be saying in that blog post basically comes down to "I'm not saying you're unfeminist, but your actions are betraying feminism". I've come across this type of argument before, mainly used against women who take part in BDSM. While on the surface you're just telling her needs to think critically, you're also implying that if she did, she wouldn't wear makeup.
Often, this argument isn't really a call for critical thinking at all. Usually, this becomes clear when the person comes to the "wrong" conclusion - and is told she's deluding herself, hasn't self-examined enough, or even is deliberately betraying feminism.
(It doesn't look like your comments on Feministing have this issue, or at least not in the same way the blog post does, though they may have their own issues.)
I'm aware of the potential for that issue, definitely. As a kinky woman, I've been told any number of times that I'm "deluded" if I think that my sexual choices are anything but abuse, actively anti-feminist, etc. So yes, this argument is open to being interpreted that way, if it's taken to an extreme. But I do my damndest to keep it from being that, in the way I apply it. I may disagree with a person about whether what she's doing is feminist or not, and I may lay out my reasons and hear hers and such. That's debate, and when you post about personal choices on a public feminist discussion, you open yourself up to that. But I really try not to use it as judgment, and I will only rarely - in the case of what I feel are truly egregiously antifeminist acts, like pro-life "feminists" who actively work to legislate against reproductive freedoms - get to the "you're kidding yourself" point of it.
All I am saying when I say "have you thought critically about this?" is "have you thought critically about this?". Really. That's all it is. A feminist may think critically about the choice to wear makeup, or take her husband's name if she gets married, or what have you, and still make the choice. And I have no problem with that. All I ask is that those of us - including myself - who make less-than-feminist choices do so knowingly and consciously, and own both the choice and the consequences thereof.
"own both the choice and the consequences thereof"
- that's such an important part of it, it's pretty much the way I live my life - I try to make informed choices, and I learn from the results - whether they are good or bad - and I try to help other people make informed choices in return.
You mention your own experience with BDSM and being shamed/accused of betrayal by some feminist factions because of it - and I absolutely relate to that and then some because I'm a sex worker and I get that all the time.
But in a the larger sense of good feminism/ bad feminism - it's really such a complicated issue going back decades. The good/bad divide is where theories of 'radical feminism' and differing theories of 'liberal feminism' collide. - Further, those 'radical feminist' theories and those 'liberal feminist' theories generally align with 'social contructionism'(radical feminism) and evolutionary biology or psychology (liberal feminism).
I've spent an inordinate amount of time researching this issue - because truthfully, though I've been a feminist since I was a young'un, I didn't really know all the nuances of the debates within feminism until I became a sex worker and pretty much had to learn why so many feminists hated me and the things I said so much.
I'd been living my life, being a gamer, being politically liberal - speaking out against the drug war for example, being loudly pro-choice and a generally 'good feminist' who still liked to be 'sexy' and wear makeup - then I 'turned pro' and started checking out sex workers rights sites, which in turn referenced feminist blog posts about sex work and the like and I was really surprised to read so many feminists shaming and judging sex workers/strippers/nude models/etc. It really threw me for a loop, because I'd always had the general understanding that feminism fought to let women do more things, among them explore sexuality without judgement - but I was sorely under-informed about the technicalities of that.
I won't bore anyone with the details (i know, too late :P )if anyone wants to read me rambling on about this stuff my blog is thru my name - but I do want to say that the more I research and learn, the more I say : "If I'm a bad feminist, I don't want to be good" - and that's not nearly as flippant as it sounds - I have big problems with social construct theories and I think they harm women and render all women as subjugated non-persons.
Actually, I sort of hate the "This might make me a bad feminist, but..." line, too, but for a completely different reason.
Saying that makes people feel like you do, that the person shouldn't have to feel bad about their choices and actions. That critiquing them is mean! While it doesn't shut down discussion, it does discourage it. Much like when men say "Feminists are going to kill me for this, but..." it paints feminists as mean! So you have to disprove that by not being as critical as you would without the preface.
It also frustrates me because if you are prefacing with that, you know what you are following up with is unfeminist/anti-feminist. It's not even something that you think is feminist, but it's something you know, personally, goes against what you know feminism to be, but you're not only going to keep doing it, but also defending it!
I find thinking critically about choices and actions through a feminist lens is a very feminist act. And while I agree it's not alwaus appropriate to judge people for those choices, that doesn't mean that we can't say "Hey, that's unfeminist." Because that's not judgment, that's a jumping off point for discussion.
Some choices actually interfere with women's rights. In the words of Gail Dyne, "Your choice to do porn restricts my ability to walk to my car safely."
I think effective feminism means never having to apologize.
so I'll make my choices, and take advantage of the right that I don't always have to explain myself.
I agree with the poster, and I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. I'm glad you brought it up, and I think maybe it's about time we stop apologizing for things we don't have to apologize for!
There are lots of things a feminist shouldn't do:
-Tell a sexist joke.
-Participate in the production of degrading porn
-Buy products from industries known for their horrible records on womens' rights
-Tolerate husband/boyfriend's abuse
If you do things like these than yes, you are a bad feminist. You can't just talk womens' rights while your actions undermine it.
I think this is a bit condescending. You can be a feminist, and still suffer under patriarchy. I tell women to love their body all the time, but I myself suffer from a borderline eating disorder. I had a minor relapse recently. Am I a bad feminist?
Also, many women cannot simply leave their abusive boyfriends/husbands, even if they are feminists. There are so many obstacles to leaving it's hard for ANYONE, feminist or not. Does being afraid for your own life make you a bad feminist? Remember, leaving the abuser is one of the most dangerous times for women. You can be a feminist and still not have the support from others that is NEEDED to leave such a situation.
S.P. Burke said above he enjoys seeing/drawing naked women. So do many people. So do I. I think nudity is a wonderful, amazing, and beautiful thing. It is our natural state of being. The problem is not nudity but the structures that restrict our perceptions of beauty. The white, heteronormative, thin, able bodied stereotype of what is beautiful is the problem. If we learn to embrace people despite their conformity/nonconformity to this stereotype, it will no longer exist.