This is my third post on transphobia in what may become a series. See posts one and two
At the time of this writing, my previous post regarding having sex while stealth has 273 comments, many of which are incredibly transphobic. Comments included accusations that trans people are being deceptive, that for a trans person to have sex without disclosing disrespects the sexual orientation of their partner, comparisons between trans people and sexually transmitted diseases, comparisons between trans people and the KKK, and statements that it is trans peoples responsibility to subjugate themselves for the comfort of transphobic people.
This is too much to cover in one post, but I would like to focus on one particularly hypocritical form of transphobia. A reoccurring theme in the comment threads was that transgender people shouldn't enter relationships or have sex with people they think may be dangerous. This idea was expressed in a number of different ways:
"If you cannot feel comfortable sharing your gender with someone because you are afraid of what they might do, then you shouldn't be sleeping with them in the first place." - rebekah
"Why in the hell are you having sex with someone you think would perpetrate a hate crime against you if you tell them of your pre/non-op status?" - Gular
"You're not a victim because you choose to be with someone who is detrimental to you, you're a perosn who made a bad decision who chose to be with someone who makes worse decisions to your detriment." - Phenicks
"The threats to safety that you reference are also really good reasons not to be involved romantically with someone. If you don't feel safe with someone, don't come out to them -- but don't have a sexual relationship with them either." - KBZ
This is victim blaming.
Perpetrators often don't care whom they direct their violence towards except for one critical factor: whether or not they would get away with it. This is a huge part of the reason that marginalized members of society are disproportionately victims of violence.
Trans people aren't at risk for abuse and violence by being trans, by being out, by being stealth, by dating, by having sex, or any other reason related to who they are or what they do. They are at risk because we live in a culture that considers these things to be reasonable excuses.
When your response to transphobic violence is to tell trans people that they shouldn't sleep with transphobes, you're implying that violence and abuse are natural consequences of sleeping with the wrong person while trans. You're erasing the actions of the perpetrator and shifting blame onto the victim.
You are sending a clear message that you have little sympathy for trans victims of crime unless they act according to your standards, and by extension you're sending a clear message to perpetrators that you're less likely to hold them responsible. These messages make trans people very appealing targets.
By sending these messages, you are making trans people more vulnerable to violence and abuse.
Even in the best of circumstances when trans people are told to be careful for the sake of risk management, it's presumptuous and patronizing to assume that cisgender people know better than transgender people how to manage the risks. It is up to each individual trans person to evaluate the risks of any given situation, to decide what risks they are willing to take, and to decide on the appropriate action.
Feminists have been spending decades working to dismantle rape culture and to ensure that no victim is blamed for violence committed against them. After all of the work that has been done, it is incredibly hypocritical to turn our backs on trans people by telling them that violence is a natural consequence of who they are.
Is it any wonder that so many trans women don't feel welcome in feminist spaces?
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How is it victim blaming?
You may as well open the lions den and tell everyone to "hop right on in, the hungry lions would be DELIGHTED to see you." And then tell everyone like ME who shouts "noooooo its not safe in there" a bunch of victim blamers while people are lead to severe pain, maybe even death.
If a cisman expresses that he is transphobic or makes transphobic comments while in the presence of a transwoman, its in her best interest to get away from him.
You can switch transphobic for racist, sexist, classist, ableist etc and then insert the corresponding minority to the bigotry and the logic is still sound.
If YOU think its pure brilliance to sleep with people who would just as soon murder you if they found out specific information about you then I have to disagree. You call it victim blaming, I call it sound logic to find someone who absolutely hates you unattractive and to then not trust that person with your life.
What if your partner has never made transphobic statements? Are you still stupid for having sex with them? For people who are not feminists or scholars of gender, trans issues don't come up in casual conversation. Not all trans people will necessarily see that as their defining characteristic and want to talk about it all the time. It is entirely conceivable that a trans person could be in a relationship and have never had a conversation about transexuality. How are they to know that their partner is transphobic?
It's even more complicated if the transphobia comes out well into the relationship. As with other forms of abuse, once you have an emotional attachment, it's not easy to just walk away. That doesn't make people stupid. It makes them human.
"You may as well open the lions den and tell everyone to "hop right on in, the hungry lions would be DELIGHTED to see you." And then tell everyone like ME who shouts "noooooo its not safe in there" a bunch of victim blamers while people are lead to severe pain, maybe even death."
Lions are animals that cannot be held responsible for their actions. Death is a natural consequence of being in the presence of a predatory animal.
Lions have nothing in common with abusive or violent transphobic people.
"If YOU think its pure brilliance to sleep with people who would just as soon murder you if they found out specific information about you then I have to disagree."
That's not my argument. My argument is that instead of focusing on the actions or choices of the victims, we need to focus on the actions of the perpetrator.
Risk management is not irrelevant, but it is not up to cisgender people to tell trans people how to do it.
Cause all the transphobes are walking around with a sign on their heads. And seriously? Just outing yourself in many circumstances may be enough for verbal, if not physical abuse.
Transphobia is not just killing someone because they are transsexual and is not necessarily overt. Yes, the most extreme forms include violence, but there's a whole range including not feeling comfortable around being with someone who is trans. Making 'jokes', etc.
Honestly, the only way to avoid transphobia in society today is to either avoid people altogether, or go stealth. Is that really the solution?
And FWIW, you'd have a hard time trying to convince a rape victim why its safe to date someone who is a known rapist.
You'd have a hard time trying to convince a WOC who passes why its safe to date someone who is a known racist.
You'd have a hard time convincing a woman who has experience domestic violence and left that situation why its safe to date someone else who has a KNOWN history of domestic violence.
Why would you even be ok with that? It's not in a rape vicitm's nature to be raped but it damn sure is int eh nature of a rapist to rape AGAIN.
It isn't in the nature of a WOC to be brutalized by racists but it damn sure is in the nature of violent racists to brutalize WOC.
It isn't in the nature of a woman who has experienced domestic violence to be abused but it damn sure is in the perpetrator's nature to be abusive.
I'll just ask you to read this paragraph again: "Even in the best of circumstances when trans people are told to be careful for the sake of risk management, it's presumptuous and patronizing to assume that cisgender people know better than transgender people how to manage the risks. It is up to each individual trans person to evaluate the risks of any given situation, to decide what risks they are willing to take, and to decide on the appropriate action."
It's not about convincing trans people that its safe to date transphobes. It's about not holding trans people responsible for what might happen if they do, and allowing trans people to decide for themselves what risks they are willing to take.
I'm thinking that a lot of the commenters here at Feministing, and cis* queer women in general would prefer if trans women just erred on the side of caution and never had sex at all (and then moved away to an island, as to never run the risk of having a cis* person accidentally be attracted to us). This trick of talking about this in the extreme (silly trans women, you shouldn't date KNOWN KILLERS!!!!!!!) is just more bigotry disguised as concern. It blames the victim as it denies blaming the victim. Ugh.
I've been reading your posts, and I wanted to add to the encouragement and thanks. These are important ideas to share, even knowing that the responses would be as they've been.
also, i really apologize if my use of the phrase "tranny chasers" offended you. i just read your blog post on the topic. i meant it more to be derogatory to people who objectify someone's very gender as a ridiculous sexual fetish -- not derogatory to the people who are the targed of this objectification.
I think there's a great deal of room for people to educate themselves and learn, and I try to always give people that opportunity (lord knows I've fumbled on other issues in my life, and was glad for the chance to learn the right thing). My problem has been with the folks who use the term, but when it is brought up get defensive and argue for their right to keep on using it. Thank you for acknowledging, that is something I wish more folks would do.
I think it is all about learning. I have for sure stumbled and messed up with words and ideas - we're all human. Thank you for commenting, though, it is reassuring. It's the folks who dig their heels in and demand their right to use the word without even engaging its history are the ones that frustrate me to exhaustion.
Actually, I think perpetuating the idea that it's natural to react violently when discovering your partner is trans and so on actually makes it harder for a trans person dating a transphobic partner to go away.
Because while an aspect of transphobia is to violently reject someone because he/she is a freak, another aspect which I found neglected is using transsphobia to maintain an abusive relationship with a trans person by persuading him/her that he/she won't find anyone else that "accept" him/her and that the abusive cis person is so nice to want to fuck with him/her that some "faults" (like being violent) must be forgiven.
I haven't commented on your series of posts yet, ElanaFulana, but I've been reading them all and wanted to pass along some positive encouragement.
As far as the victim-blaming (as continued by Phenicks' comments above me), I'm having a hard time understanding why everyone is assuming (or at least, that's how the conversation seems to be going, look at Phenicks' emphasis on KNOWN racists and KNOWN rapists in her comments) that any cis person who has sex with a trans person without knowing their trans status is assumed to react in a violent and/or hateful way.
I mean, that right there is transphobia, right? It's like a normalization of the idea that trans bodies are icky.
I can only speak for myself. I am not saying all cis people are transphobic.
I am saying that those who are blatantly transphobic (cis or trans) are people who should be avoided.
You keep arguing this point. However, transphobes don't come with tattoos on their foreheads labeling them as such. That would make life easier for transfolks who are in the dating market, but that's not how life works.
Transphobia is a deeply embedded belief. What I mean is that it's not discussed as often as other beliefs and isms, and not made problematic as often. It has not been brought onto the public radar to the same extent as racism and sexism. Thus transphobic people might not even know they have these thoughts or feelings because they may have never thought to explore their feelings. Many people are not aware of trans issues.
To ask transpeople to change their dating habits when transphobic people don't even know they're transphobic is a little unfair.
What I don't get with those victim-blaming arguments is that trans people are supposed to magically know who is transphobic. I mean, yeah, it would be cool to have such a radar, but it doesn't work like this.
(And well, there are differents levels in transphobia, it's far from being limited to heterosexual cis men who beat trans women.)
Besides, I think it's quite transphobic to think that because you trust someone, you should disclose your trans status. Personally when I trust someone, I don't feel the need to warn hir that OMG I'm trans so ze doesn't hit me when ze discovers it. It might come up in a discussion before we date/have sex/whatever, but it might as well not.
I mean, I may be optimistic, but I believe at least some cis people are able not to react like assholes and thus don't need me to warn them in advance so they can avoid throwing up in front of me and refrain from beating me up to death.
The never-ending debate continues with thread #4 (I think ... maybe its 5). Holy moly.
My position remains unchanged, but I've grown tired of the back-and-forth. It seems to have devolved into accusatory bickering at this point. Agree to disagree, I suppose. Live and let live.
kbz
I completely disagree. I think each new post has built on the previous one while focusing on a new angle and going into it in depth.
If you've grown tired of it, I imagine it's because you have the luxury to do so.
Sorry, but what is your point? ...That we should be silent on trans issues, and transphobia should go unquestioned?
If you do not want take part in this discussion, that is your right, but this is an important to some of us.
Totally agree! Because when we're talking about hate crimes and bigotry, it's all just a matter of opinion, right?
Posts like this are especially necessary when so many people still fail to grasp the basic concept that trans people are not *ever* responsible for other people's transphobic reactions, and that they have complete autonomy with regard to who/when/where/if they decide to share their history. You don't get to "agree to disagree" about someone else's right to be respected and free from violence.
I'm a transfag-- a female to male transsexual who has sex/romantic relationships with men.
In a world without transphobia, I would be permitted to start something with another man in the same way other gay men do. There are plenty of gay men with huge penises or tiny penises-- both of which are outside "the norm." Some are circumcised, some aren't. Some guys like to penetrate. Some like to be penetrated. Some only like oral sex-- everybody has something about them that is "not normal." When two people start to have a one night stand which by nature does not involve talking about bodies or much of anything before the sex happens, they're opening a box of chocolates and don't know what they're going to get. So if he feels surprised when I'm like "just a sec, gotta switch out the soft penis with the hard one" okay he can feel surprised. Just like I can feel surprised if he turns out to have a gigantic shlong or a pissing fetish or is not into anal. Nothing wrong with surprise. Nothing wrong with choosing to stop the intimacy right there and calling it a night. But to call me dishonest or to react with violence is transphobic. It would be absurd of me to call him dishonest for not disclosing his penis size or preference for water sports or whatever if I didn't ask.
In a world without transphobia, people would know that transpeople exist and know that it is a possibility that the person they're interested in might be trans. If cisgender men know it's a possibility that they can be attracted to a transman perhaps they will be less likely to feel that I was "dishonest" by not disclosing my status and more likely to feel the normal kind of surprise that comes with discovering a new partner's body and preferences.
Part of the problem is that cisgender people think they can recognize "trannies." Many of us are read as the gender we present 100% of the time. My classmates at uni were shocked when I disclosed my trans status, they had no idea that transgender people can look just like anybody else. So people feel "duped" that they "couldn't tell" as if they should be able to tell as if they have the right to be able to tell.
But since I don't live in a world without transphobia, I always disclose that I am trans before becoming intimate with a new partner. This is not necessarily my choice, this is a product of oppression.
I think the only things I am going to ask potential hookups from now on is:
1. Are you cis*?
2. Are you a regular reader of Feministing?
Cuz, really, the violence in the words folks have for trans women here are as good an indicator as any that they're a potential threat.
Personally, I don't think I'm subjugating anyone by telling them I'm trans before there's as much as a kiss. (Of course I'm a transwoman who dates other women, so that might make me safer than some who date men.) I think it's a matter of respecting the person you're with. Yet I can also see the point that what genitalia I have is nobody's business... nobody's business but me, my doctor's and my partners'.
I can see why you feel it's victim-blaming, though. It's a sad state where women who are women in MY SITUATION can't show love for men in greater society without being quashed down in any way/shape/form because of our history. We're told that we're "not really women" due to some mystical chromosomes or history of being women or that we CURRENTLY have male privilege. I've been living as I am now for EIGHT YEARS and have to wonder WHERE that alleged "male privilege" comes from? I will acknowledge having been raised with a degree of it, but - as anyone in our situation can attest to - because so many of us are feminine from day one, we receive so little of it even while we ARE male-bodied.
My point is that society likes to invalidate transwomen's very identities AS women so that feminism or lesbianism or a lot of other -isms can fit into a neat little box. It's no wonder that heterosexual transwomen are now getting killed at nearly 100 a year when there are attitudes that express transphobia.
because all bigots make sure to expose their bigotry right up front, and if someone has not made transphobic comments that must mean they are not transphobic!
there are never stealth trans bashers, they all wear the t shirt
I think it's amazing how people can't see connections and parallels between different kinds of victim blaming, can't see that this bears all the hallmarks of victim-blaming.
I also find it hard to believe that people can feel so little sympathy for individuals whose life histories may make them secretive for fear of censure and judgement.
Thank you very much for posting this. I think it's really important to speak up about these issues in a forum that fosters debate and highlights the issue rather than simply replying to a transphobic comment. You are incredibly articulate and insightful and I appreciate all the work you are doing in exposing intolerance within the feminist community.
Thank you for this post. I waded through a lot of the big post and was really bothered by a lot of the answers- but from both sides. I'm learning a lot.
It was not until I read this post that I realized "well you shouldn't sleep with transphobic people then" is pretty much the same as "well you shouldn't have gone out with a rapist!" They are both unacceptable. This doesn't negate the sad truth of being ever vigilant, but nonetheless- victim blaming is victim blaming and it's not okay.
Thank you.
I didn't realize that I had some transphobia to unpack, and reading your piece has helped me take a step in the right direction to being a better ally and better person.
Please keep writing, educating, and working to make this a better community.