Imagine going in for a routine pap smear, so you can get your birth control prescription renewed and while your all-women’s university’s nurse practitioner has your feet in the stirrups, vagina exposed, she tells you: “You have herpes,” with a disgusted snarl. Imagine trying to have a discussion about your sexual history and issues with redness and irritation after sex (regardless of how much lubrication is used), but instead she refuses to listen and repeats over and over, “You have herpes – You will have it forever now.”
Going into my appointment last week, I had an inkling that something like this would come up. In fact, the night before, I told my boyfriend that I am sure the nurse practitioner would ask me about irritation pertaining to sex – something that I have experienced from the time I lost my virginity up until now, regardless of how much lubrication is present.
However, when I was lying with my feet in the stirrups, the nurse practitioner did not ask me any questions about the small red spot on the side of my vulva. Instead, she declared that I had herpes. Without asking me any questions or consulting me, she sent the attending nurse in the room to go fetch a test, so they could culture the “bumpy, white infected herpes area.”
The nurse practitioner took a culture sample – which required her to put a solution onto my vagina that burned, very badly. Nearly in tears, on the table, I kept speaking aloud that there was no way I could have contracted herpes since the last time I was tested (May 2008). She told me that my boyfriend (who I have been with for over a year) probably hasn’t been faithful to me, and she gave me a look that read “Stupid girl.”
There was no “I feel like something is abnormal here – let’s test it” talk or any questions about my sexual health, it was just a lot of dirty looks, assumptions, and her declaration that I had herpes and I would have it forever, as if I didn’t know anything about herpes and was completely ignorant about STD’s in general.
The more questions I asked (which were ignored), the more irritated the practitioner got. She ended up going to get a mirror – so she could show me my herpes. With a mirror in front of my vagina, she moved my labia around – trying to find what exactly she was declaring herpes a few minutes ago. “I don’t see anything,” I said. Her response, “Well, it was there a minute ago. Herpes doesn’t go away, even if you can’t see it. You have it.”
My mind started racing. How could something be there a minute ago and now it’s not? How come she was pompously pointing at my ‘herpes’ with the nurse, but she could not show me anything that even resembled what she was describing to me? Confusion consumed me. I kept asking questions, and without any answers, over and over again, she kept telling me I had herpes. Not offering any information or anything, it was as if she thoroughly enjoyed telling me I had herpes.
After getting dressed, she came back in the room and informed me that she was going to have the nurse take blood from me – and they were going to throw away the culture test – and just use the blood test to see if I have herpes. Wait, what? They burned my vagina for a few minutes, and then just threw the test away? Rolling up my sleeve, the nurse came in and took my blood.
“I know my body. I don’t believe this is herpes. What if you are wrong with your diagnosis?” This is the last thing I asked the nurse practitioner, who then informed that “Honey, you have herpes – and if it’s something else, which I definitely don’t think it is – then I don’t know what to tell you.”
When asked when my test results would come in, no one in health services could give me a straight answer. After talking to one of my professors about this experience, she told me that most tests come back within 24 hours. After calling and leaving messages for two days after my exam (last Wednesday), I heard nothing back.
All weekend, finals weekend (of course), I was anxious and nervous – not able to sleep, not able to concentrate because all I could think about was the nurse practitioner making me feel like a stupid, ignorant girl that probably deserved getting herpes.
This morning, my phone rang and it was the nurse practitioner, who must have gotten the message that I was highly upset. She first apologizes for not calling me last week, when my test results came in – confirming that I was left in the dark throughout this weekend, at my academic expense. And then she told me that I don’t have herpes.
There was no apology or explanation. There was nothing. In fact, she said “Unfortunately, you don’t have herpes.” As if it broke her heart because her diagnosis was wrong. Before ending the phone call, she said to me “You just need to use lube during sex.” If only she listened …
While I think that STD tests are important, and I wouldn’t have been angry if she told me she wanted to test me, I am perturbed at how I was TOLD I had herpes without a tests confirmation and how I was ignored.
As a woman who attends an all-women’s university, I am disgusted at the treatment I received. There was no room for questions. There was no room for me to talk about my personal sexual health. There was no room for me to have any agency. But then again, how can you have agency when your legs are spread, your vagina is being held apart with a speculum, and a doctor is telling you over and over again “You have herpes” – insinuating that you haven’t been safe during sex, telling you your boyfriend had to have cheated on you, and that herpes is a mistake I’ll have to live with forever?
The health care received in this setting should be the warm and welcoming, not scary and unavailable. If she took two seconds to stop spitting out the word herpes, maybe she would have listened to me or took into consideration what I was saying, instead of telling me her diagnosis wasn’t going to be wrong. What bothers me about this beyond my own experience is that I know this is happening to other girls on my campus, here at Hollins University. The health care at an all-women’s school, just as it should be anywhere, should set an exemplary example of positivity – so women do not feel ashamed of their bodies and themselves.
2010 is soon upon us, and here we are still dealing with the notion that women’s bodies are diseased and disgusted – especially if they have sex. The stigmatizing stereotypes of what it means to have an STD or to be a female that has sex is scary, considering sometimes it feels like we’ve come so far, only to realize, we haven’t.
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Wow, how violating! That sounds absolutely terrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I guess one good thing to come from this experience is the satisfaction that you do know your body very well, and will probably be able to tell when you are healthy and when you are not.
It seems like experiences with routine check-ups really run the gamut of god-awful to pretty damn great. I just got my pap last week and the nurse practitioner was very warm, comforting, and efficient. She answered all of my questions, repeatedly asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about, and sent me away with some Plan B ("just in case you have a few bottles of wine and don't remember if you used a condom that third time").
I hope you're able to talk to someone at your school and file a complaint about the service you received. That kind of accusatory care is really unacceptable.
Wow, that woman should not be working there. I'm so sorry you went through that experience. I had a similar experience in college and it pushed me to become a gynecological teaching assistant so that other people wouldn't have to live that.
If you feel comfortable, filing a complaint might do something. Or rallying fellow students to demand better healthcare because I'm sure you're not alone. No one should have to go through that.
I wish you luck in finding a new practioner, one that is close, affordable and actually knows how to discuss things with his/her patients. The treatment you received is downright awful. Nobody should be dismissed by their very own doctor!!!
But I'd suggest going somewhere else to find out why you have the irritation, chances are it isn't an STI it could be something else. I can't think of the name right now but it begins with a v- vulvo something. There are a few posts here about it. Its pretty much unexplained vulvular pain during or after intercourse.
this makes me furious, and i'm so sorry it happened to you. there are few things worse than visiting a place that is supposed to cultivate an atmosphere of safety and comfort, only to be disrespected, denied agency, and made to feel wrong.
i wish you luck with the next practitioner you visit.
I think that you should copy parts this post, put it in a few emails (to the health center, CC'd to people bureaucratically in charge of the health center) as an official complaint. Send hard copies, too.
I think you should demand an apology as well as changes in personnel and in the way that sexual health is dealt with at your college.
The way you were treated was disgusting and if it's happening to you, it's happening to a substantial number of young women who use the health center.
Submit this to your school paper.
Seriously.
I can almost guarantee you're not the only one who's had to go through this, and the more public the complaints the more likely something is to be done about it.
Something similar happened to me a few years ago and it was horribly upsetting. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I agree that it should be brought to more attention because it's completely ludicrous that it happened even once.
I get the impression she's a university employee. If that's the case, it's worth filing a complaint with the clinic so that they know she's not doing her job, which certainly includes clearly communicating about health issues with her patients.
Also, there is a state medical board in most states... they take reports and investigate pratictioners who are as bad as this one. It's worth reporting her to the authorities....
And don't be satisfied with just a paper report to "some one" at the college... nag the deans, whatever office funds the nurse pratictioner and HR. I work for a college and I know how problem reports get "lost"..... MAKE them listen. Tell everyone you can as loudly as you can so they get rid of this woman.
this is my first comment on this website, so hi
its shocking what the nurse said to you, i kinda wanted to bring up a few statistics on herpes, most of which make what she said seem even worse.
80% of adults in america have type 1 herpes (more commonly known as coldsores) even thought most dont get them or any symptoms, ever, and 25% have type 2, both can be got either orally or genitally and passed from one to the other, with or without symptoms at the time. so its likely you do have some form of herpes but its really not as extreme as people (often promoting abstinence) like to make out. the nurse should know this and even if thats what she thought should have explained it. making you feel bad is like making you feel bad for getting a cold.
most pap tests dont test for herpes even though people are often under the impression they do simply because basically everyone tests positive and most people get no symptoms at all. however you said you had been tested, its still possible for you to have contracted it since youre last one even if youre boyfriend also didnt have it before and didnt cheat as social kissing (eg kissing relatives) could have resulted him in getting it and then passing it to you. so there is even less of a reason for youre nurse to have made you feel like a slut.
since condoms arent effective against herpes i kinda think this is stuff anyone having sex should know and then stop worrying about. i really hate just how shit sex ed is and how people who really should know better still have attitudes like youre nurse.
As far as I know, NO pap tests test for herpes. You can test for herpes by swabbing a suspected sore or through a blood test.
Just to clarify, pap tests only test for abnormal cervical cells that may lead to the formation of cancerous cells. When anyone goes in for a pap test, they are not being screened for any STIs unless this testing is explicitly requested.
As eliza comments below, even some doctors don't realize this or choose not to inform patients of this, and that herpes can only be tested for if there is a sore that can be swabbed (free in Canada- I'm Canadian) or through a specified blood test (not free in Canada).
Sorry you had to go through this ordeal - definitely file a report!
On another note, I had a similar issue with redness and irritation during sex and it turned out to be yeast. Not enough yeast to be a full blown infection but just enough that it made sex totally uncomfortable. I cut sugar out of my diet, wear loose pants, take acidophilus, and now I'm much better.
I know this wasn't the main point of your post, but I hope this helps!
I'm really sorry to hear how you were treated. I have herpes, and have had it for four years. It's only been confirmed for the last 2 because it didn't show up on tests until some sort of new test came out. I was also misdiagnosed at first--the doctor insisted it was a yeast infection. When I said it didn't feel like I had a yeast infection, he asked me if I had ever had one before, and that was the end of that.
Because I didn't get the proper medication I needed when I first started having symptoms, in two days it progressed into something that rivaled the worst cases you see online. I've been battling it since, and filing complaints with doctor offices hasn't helped--before the blood test confirmed I had it I had to go in and convince the doctor I had herpes, just to get the medication I needed.
The way I solved this was by finding a doctor who didn't make me feel bad for having herpes, and believed me when I told her about my symptoms, or that I was having pain.
The only thing worse than going through the pain was going to multiple doctors to find someone who could help me. With some, you can really see a change when you mention herpes. Talking to my doctors about it was much harder than talking to the people I had slept with about it, for sure.
I had been getting tested every year with what I thought was a full STD test. I ended up doing a lot of research on my own, it seems most of the doctors I went to didn't know much.
As a previous poster mentioned, herpes is far more common than most people realize. I wish more research would go into the subject, but I guess a Herpes Run isn't near as appealing as a Breast Cancer Run.
There's no excuse for how you were treated--it's equivalent to slut shaming.
If something like this ever happens again (to anyone), take action immediately! Take your feet out of the stirrups, put on your clothes, and demand to speak to the practitioner's supervisor! Be calm, but do not take no for an answer! Tell this person in no uncertain terms that their behavior is unacceptable.
I don't want to seem like I am criticizing your reaction. You were there, I wasn't, and you had reasons for whatever choices you made. I am just curious, why didn't you end the exam? Or tell the woman that you found her attitude unacceptable? At any point have you told this woman that her treatment of you was shameful?
Also, I know this isn't the point of your post. But . . . have you investigated if the discomfort you are experiencing might be an allergic reaction? You might have a sensitivity to condoms or lube. Even if it happens with different kinds of condoms or lube, because most (but not all) use the same ingredients, regardless of brand. You don't say if you have had this problem with different partners, but there might also be something on your partner's skin that you are reacting to. Like his soap or cologne.
Good luck!
As an update, I dropped off letters to the Dean of Students, the President of my university, and to the nurse practitioner that did my exam. I haven't heard anything back from anyone yet. I have also contacted professors on my campus, to tell them my story, in case the administrators do not do anything -- which is more than likely, so they could possibly become involved.
I have been to the doctor about my issue prior to this. I have had the same experience with every sexual partner, and while sex isn't painful, only sometimes after it is. In fact, after this horrible experience, I have made an appointment to go to the doctor at home over my winter break, to get myself checked out, by someone who knows what they are doing.
As much as I wanted to stop the exam, I couldn't. I really felt like I had lost all of my control, and I feel like the nurse practitioner truly took advantage of her position. I was so shocked by her accusation that I could barely think about doing anything other than asking questions, which were never answered.
That's fantastic. I'm glad you're getting the word out there about this woman.
As far as the comment saying "Well, why didn't you do ___ instead?" Just ignore it. When something like that happens, it's a shock. We can't think, we're often not able to move or take action.
Great post Charlsie!
I am sorry that you went through this experience and I understand how disempowering it can feel in that kind of situation. It's great that you shared the experience though so others can benefit from it.
As a person with herpes and also a herpes awareness campaigner I have seen and heard about this type of attitude from the medical profession before and this saddens me. Surely we should be able to expect medical professionals to be able to treat a patient without judgement?
If you would like to share this story on my herpes info / support website, please let me know and I'd be happy to add it.
I live in a major Canadian city and something very similar happened to me. I feel for you--I really do. Seriously, why do people with no bedside manner at all choose to work in the health field?
After a pretty busy/stressful period awhile back, I developed a painful sore on my labia. I figured it was just a pimple, so I put some tea tree oil on it and kept it clean. Within a few days the sore had spread across half my labia and was so painful to the touch that walking was difficult and peeing literally made me scream and cry. I went to the ER. Several nurses and doctors observed my vagina, seemed convinced that it was a cyst/absess, and then sent in the gynecology resident team to put some sort of drain thing in my vagina. There was an alpha female on that gynecology team who barked orders at me and at the other residents, suddenly figured after a new look at my vagina that it wasn't a cyst/absess at all, and told me I probably had herpes. Surprised, I told her I had always been celibate. I did, however, have some flu symptoms, but this was during the worst swine flu outbreak in my area. When I confirmed that I got herpes on my mouth every year, she told me I probably had spread it to my vagina by touching it after touching a herpes sore on my mouth. Which is possible, of course, but I then informed her that I was very fastidious about my feminine parts and I sincerely doubt I had touched my bare vagina after running my fingers over a painful sore on my mouth, considering I work in the health field myself and know plenty about viral infections, thank you. She blew me off and started the "You have herpes forever now, you'll have to tell all future partners" before I cut her off and said I thought her diagnosis was highly unlikely. I asked her for an alternative diagnosis, she said it was either "herpes or nothing," prescribed an expensive anti-viral to "shorten the time of the outbreak," told me I couldn't do anything about the pain other than minimize things touching the sores (I was on my period and wearing a pad at the time), and took a swab that I would have to follow-up myself with an appointment "after three weeks to see the diagnosis." She breezed off, but one of the other residents, a quiet young man, leaned in after and told me, "Well, take the anti-viral, just in case...it doesn't really have adverse effects if you end up putting it in your body when you don't need it." Like he could only show empathy to me and my incredulous stare/arguments once the alpha doctor was gone.
I was furious. I was already in so much pain that I couldn't do more than hobble home and cry my eyes out. I took the anti-virals just in case because I literally had nothing else to do, then, the next day, I hobbled to a walk-in clinic to get a second opinion. The doctor there said yes, it was possible to give myself herpes, but it probably wasn't that, took another swab, wrote a script for an anti-bacterial cream in case it was a bacterial infection, and told me I'd get the labs back in a WEEK (one third of the time the hospital had cited), and in reality I checked in four days later and they were ALREADY in. My swabs had come up negative for everything.
MY SORES WERE NOTHING.
Baffled, I mentioned it to my regular doctor when I next saw him. "Those aren't uncommon," he said. "It's a kind of response to stress." He called them auto-immune responses specifically (I think?). Anyway, he told me people sometimes get these stress sores all over the inside of their mouths and inside their throats. I had "gotten off lucky." It supposedly explained the mystery flu symptoms (body aches and pains) that had accompanied the sores.
...
I never followed up with that ER swab, because I had plenty of things to catch up on after taking time off from work for doctors and crappy health. But I'm planning to either write a complaint letter or complain in person, because that resident's behavior was completely unprofessional. And people wonder why some patients get nervous about going to the doctor? I'm a huge going-to-the-doctor advocate, a scientist, very careful about my health, and work in the exact same hospital I was treated in (in the ER). Yet I cried myself to sleep because some resident treated me like crap when I was in some of the worst pain of my life. I can only imagine what someone who already suffers from anxiety issues or just general fear of the doctor would have felt like. Hello! If you're treating sick people, here's a good rule of thumb: don't be a condescending asshole, especially when you're basing your behavior on an unconfirmed EDUCATED GUESS! And even if she had a positive swab for herpes right in front of her? She was still being an asshole! If she really thought I'd given myself herpes and would now have to deal with that for the rest of my life, shouldn't she have been MORE gentle, more sympathetic to my shock and pain? Aren't you supposed to be EXTRA NICE to sick people? ARRRRGH!