It’s a long story, but basically my fiance and I had an argument on the weekend when I brought up the subject of gay rights. He told me it’s great that gay men and lesbians can get married, and it sucks that they still face violence, but he doesn’t want to hear about gay men. The thought makes him uneasy, even though he realizes that it’s not like they can help it.
He did tell me once (quite some time ago) that he felt uncomfortable about gay men because someone had hit on him when he was younger (he hadn’t gone into detail), and he felt really scared at the time, but I must have not been thinking particularly clearly that day, because I piped up about how unfortunate it really is for those suffering because of homophobia, and the harm caused by false beliefs like that gay male= child molester, and I obviously touched a nerve.
Turns out his cousin had repeatedly touched him in a sexual manner and made sexual comments towards him when he was about 11-14, and every time he thinks about gay men, his mind goes back to that and and how he felt, and those feelings (a male sexually assaulted him, and on some level he’s scared of it happening again) drown out what he knows is true (that being gay isn’t a choice, that gay men as a group didn’t assault him).
I realize that when he says “that’s nice for them that they can do_________, and terrible that _____happens, but I still don’t want them near me”, that’s a hurtful comment no matter what happened to him, but what he said reminded me of how I felt after a guy I went out with raped me.
Straight men honestly frightened the hell out of me, and even heterosexual kissing made me feel disgusting, like I was going to be sick (even if it was only another couple I saw kissing). I knew that my feelings were incorrect, but that didn’t stop me from experiencing them.
I’m kind of mad at myself now, but the way this dispute ended was I almost started crying and told him that I got over how I felt about straight men after I was raped, and that what he is saying is harmful to a large group of people who he’s never even met. So I was now remembering my assault, he was thinking of his, and we both ended up holding each other until we both felt calm enough to apologise for reminding the other of their experience or saying that they should get over it.
My fiance’s sensitivity and understanding were a BIG PART of my recovery and the fact that I can now have a healthy sex life without wondering out loud if he thinks I’m a slut. I’m a big proponent of LGBT rights and equality, but I realize that this caring, sensitive man is not the enemy, and the conflict between what he knows and what he feels hurts him.
I just wish I know how to help him overcome those feelings.
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I didn’t mean to come across as caring more about whether what he felt was offensive to others than about he felt. It’s just that it makes sense now, since outside of this one issue he’s very outgoing and inclusive, and this abuse obviously affected him very deeply if he’s behaving or saying things that don’t fit with his general character.
Feelings are never “incorrect” – we have no control over our triggers and there is no reason to feel guilty about what triggers us.
I’m a survivor myself (abused by a close female family member on a fairly regular basis for about 6 years when I was an elementary school aged child)
I have my triggers too – and it can be hard to talk about it (even in therapy) – but it’s important to respect what triggers a person.
Encourage him to continue sharing his feelings about this if he wants to, letting him know that you are willing to listen. It might be that he merely needs to process these conflicting feelings after having repressed them for years.
My immediate knee-jerk reaction would be for you to talk about the benefit of therapy as a means of him finally coming to some kind of peace about this, but I recognize also that doing so is entirely his decision.
I don’t know what I’d say in your situation.
Part of me would want to say that his cousin was a pedophile and that gay/bi/straight sexual orientation doesn’t have anything to do with when one person abuses and assaults another person. His cousin wasn’t attracted to his gender, he was attracted to the power he had when he could sexually control another person. I wouldn’t say this when he was hurting, though. I don’t know. It’s tough. I have the same feelings of discomfort when a victim of a sexual assault by a black man said that she distrusted and feared all black men.
It’s not too late to suggest counseling for your SO. This might help him some.
I’d have to echo your suggestion that the OP’s partner go to therapy – I know it saved my life, and I’d strongly recommend therapy to any person who is an abuse survivor, no matter what gender they are.
It has to be the therapist that’s right for you, and “comparison shopping” (for want of a better word) is a must. But it’s worth it – a good therapist can be a lifesaver.
You can’t “help” him, you can respect him his feelings like we would expect one to respect a female victim’s.
As a fellow supporter of LGBT rights, I can see why you would be disturbed by your fiance’s feelings about gay men, but given his history, they are understandable, and IMO, he actually sounds like a decent guy. On one hand, intellectually, he understands the importance of gay rights, and is trying to support them, while on the other hand he’s not to think abut gay men/sex because because he trying to avoid getting triggered about his about past abuse. I can only imagine how hard that must be.
Again, I can understand your support of LGBT rights, but, at this point, I would focus more on what’s going on with him, and less on abstract issues like politics (unless you have gay friends who are being hurt by his attitudes. That would complicate things.)
In any case, the fact that he waited until after you told him you were raped and after you got engaged to tell you that he was abused (I’m also assuming he hasn’t been through therapy) makes me think that he’s not really dealing with it. He’s just avoiding it by pushing it out of his mind. (That’s not meant as criticism, BTW. You do what you have to do to get through.) I’m with the other posters, though, who recommend a professional therapist (if he’s ready) so that he can stop just getting through, and really start healing. ( Or, at least, as much as it’s it’s possible to heal from sexual abuse.)
I don’t think you can help him in the sense that you can take away his pain or “fix” him in any way. That’s something that, ultimately, he has to do himself. But my experience is that having a support system in addition to therapy (especially an intimate partner) makes a world of difference and that’s an important thing you can do to help him overcome his trauma.
Best of luck to both of you.