Cross-posted on genfem.com
In college when a friend of mine used to say that she didn’t want kids, it sounded outrageous to me. Of course she wanted kids. All women want kids. I figured she was just in her own college headspace and would grow out of it when she got older.
Then then she got older and I got older and I’m the one that grew out of my limited notions about what a woman’s role should be.
Of course all women don’t want kids. The same way all men don’t want high-powered jobs. We’ve been so socialized to think that stereotypical gender roles (male breadwinner, female homemaker) are the natural order of things that we think something is unnatural about not fitting into those roles.
It doesn’t help that we see these messages everywhere. The example I always use is that you never see an ad for a household cleaning product with a man in it. Seriously. It’s always a woman. Usually white. If you see one with a man in it, send it to me (and Mr. Clean doesn’t count. He’s a supervisor).
The revolutionary thing happening in our generation is that we’re realizing that the difference between individuals is more significant than the difference between genders.
There are Type A women and Type A men. Straight women who can’t keep homes clean and straight men who do the holiday gift wrapping. And gay men and women that make their own rules entirely.
Popular culture has yet to catch up. Shows like Arrested Development and 30 Rock are a good start because they make fun of convention, but the humor is in the weirdness of a quirky character like a Liz Lemon who does not act like the married woman she should.
At this transitional point in our culture, it is important to go against the grain, despite the messages everywhere warning us otherwise. Being a woman that doesn’t want kids or doesn’t want kids yet isn’t unnatural, it’s unconventional. And unfortunately we live in a society where convention and nature get confused.
As an aside, I really want kids. It’s something I’ve felt strongly about for as long as I can remember. To me, that only confirms the diversity of women’s aspirations. We all don’t want the same thing. Of course we don’t. Neither do men.
6 Comments
Some men will make great fathers. Some of us would rather not be. As you pointed out, it’s an individual decision.
I so love this post. I’m simply thrilled! Please make every single one of my friends that tells me “Oh, you’ll change your mind” every time I tell them “I dont want kids” read this post!
I have never wanted children. Ever. and My partner is thankfully on board (vasectmy scheduled!). I have TOTALLY different goals in life! But it seems IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE I know to accept this fact. They smile at me with this shit eating grin and say oh so condescendingly “It’s different when they are your own, you’ll see, someday!” Oh, shit, really? Too bad I’ll never find out.
I’ll stop myself now before I really get on a roll, but thank you again SO much for this post!
I don’t want kids at all in my lifetime. I have different goals, and am just otherwise not interested in breeding for reasons I don’t need to elaborate on.
The most frustrating part of this is that it’s not taken seriously. The invariable reaction is a condescending “Oh, you’ll change your mind,” with a knowing, humorous smile. I believe very strongly that children will not fit into the life I want for myself, but even if at some point in the future I change my mind – who cares? That does not invalidate the strength of my current conviction.
I can understand not wanting children very easily, as I have never wanted them either. And I think there is nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with the desire to have kids. Great post!
Oh, and your statement:
“The example I always use is that you never see an ad for a household cleaning product with a man in it. Seriously. It’s always a woman. Usually white. If you see one with a man in it, send it to me (and Mr. Clean doesn’t count. He’s a supervisor).”
I asked my significant other that, and “Billy Mays?” was the suggestion (all the OxiClean and OrangeGlow and whatever else that fellow sold). I am not sure if that counts either, but that was what immediately came to mind.
I’m forty-six, never ever wanted kids. For me, it wasn’t a decision, I knew from about the age of eight!
Thanks for this. I am 27 and I have been thinking about the topic of having children now for several years and have decided I don’t believe I will ever want any. I am not ruling them out entirely (I could change my mind at some point) but I suspect that I won’t. However, I live in a town where almost everyone my age has children and many are married. I recently told a man my age (who was interested in me before hearing my childless preference) that I don’t want children and he looked at me like I was the most horrible person in the world and told me there was “something wrong with me” that I am “not normal” and that every girl he has ever met wants kids as quickly as possible. He really made me feel like a selfish person for my reasons which among other things are that I like my free time, don’t want the responsibility, want the freedom to pick up and travel and not have to find a sitter whenever I feel like going out, want to put my energies into other things, don’t want to put my body through a pregnancy and like kids but not enough to want my own. I did mention that if I do change my mind and have a child I would probably adopt as there are kids who need good homes and then he told me that was no good as well as I should want “something of my own”. Now, I am nothing like my brother and neither of us are much like our parents so why do people persist in the myth that their children will turn into little versions of themselves? I really don’t understand why I am viewed as selfish or somehow “unnatural” for not wanting children.