Cross-posted on genfem.com
At 92Y Tribeca the other day, I heard Susan Shapiro Barash, author ofTripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry, talk about the ways in which women hold each other down instead of raising each other up. Following are three:
1. The “Not Enough Pie Syndrome”
Women seem to be under the impression that there are a finite amount of good things that can happen to us, so if a good thing happens to one of us there’s less pie left for the rest of us. An example of this is the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte finds out that Miranda is pregnant and cries, “That should be my baby!” This idea of “limited goods” or “magical theft” makes us feel like something is being taken away from us just because it’s happening to someone else.
The flip side of this theory, I imagine, is that if something bad happens to someone else we’re relieved because that means it’s less likely to happen to us.
Solution: Introspection. The more we define and focus on our own goals the less we focus on what other women have that we don’t.
2. Competition vs. Support
We constantly compare ourselves to each other in superficial, usually physical ways. We are hyperaware of who is thinner, younger and holding up better. Gossip mags pit actresses against each other with the caption, “Who wore it better?” Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are often compared on the basis of weight, hair and net worth. Can you imagine a men’s magazine doing this to male celebrities?
As an aside, I find that men are more likely to share the wealth with other men. They’ll tip each other off to business opportunities, take slights less personally and try to help each other out when possible. And more shared wealth means more wealth, period.
Solution: Mentoring younger women, even if we weren’t mentored ourselves. Pushing, not just for ourselves, but for the whole lot of us to make more money, to excel in our fields, to have it all.
3. The Intolerance of Aging
We don’t see too many older-looking women around. There is so much pressure to look as young as possible for as long as possible that we don’t see women in their 40’s with wrinkles or women in their 50’s with grey hair. The more we fight the aging process the more we buy into the notion that it isn’t ok for women to age.
Solution: Being honest about what we look like. Perhaps we should stop dyeing our hair or, at the very least, not disparage a woman with grey hair and no makeup for looking her natural age.
Another thing that Shapiro Barash said that really stuck with me is that we should stop expecting so much from our friends. Men don’t hold each other accountable to the standards by which we hold each other accountable. If we stop expecting so much from our friends it won’t take anything positive away from our friendships, it will just allow us to give and receive pure support.
10 Comments
I have observed evidence of number one in a variety of places, but especially so within liberal/progressive, urban dwelling, usually white, highly educated women.
Some have criticized the “cult of the Mommy” in offensive, completely unfounded ways and I seek not to do so here. My gripe is how certain mothers with young children micromanage and control every inch of their childrens’ upbringing. There is a very real and toxic degree of competitiveness present for those who use their children merely as pawns or extensions of themselves. It’s not about their children, really, it’s all about them.
Those of you who have seen the movie Away We Go and observed Maggie Gyllenhaal know to which I refer.
I think the main idea I’d add to underscore each of these hurtful behaviors is that we ought to recognize that it’s not completely about us. Society may have encouraged or fostered these negative behaviors, but if we detach ourselves from the process, we will be free of them.
I don’t think any of these are unique to women.
PREACCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH! I am in utter and total agreement. I can’t tell you how often I’ve dealt with and witnessed other women deal with and/or dish out precisely which you posted.
I never got what was the point of competed with each other. Either someone likes you or they don’t. Its ok to wear the same thing as someone else and you BOTH look nice in it or *gasp* someone wears it better because our bodies are shaped and built so differently, different things will compliment them.
The third point is the only one unique to women in any capacity.
Especially the the second point, the male-dominated business world is as cutthroat as it comes.
I am going to agree with the other commenters that framing these issues as if they are women’s issues really misses the point. Our whole society promotes competition over cooperation and looking out for oneself. I think that outlook on life and that way of interacting with others should most certainly be critiqued, but to critique it honestly, I think we can’t discuss it as if it were primarily a female trait. You paint women as selfishly competitive in comparison to men who are apparently more caring about others and more likely to help each other. That kind of thinking doesn’t help us really get to the root of competition in our culture. The competitive nature of our culture won’t be solved by simply mentoring young women to make them less competitive.
Maybe men should be mimicking our friendships instead.
Regardless of whether or not men/anyone else do(es) these things too, it’s good advice.
I agree this type of behaviour is not unique to women and that we all could benefit from not engaging in it. Personally, I think the so-called “hatred of attractive other women” which is supposedly ubiquitous amongst all women is more a reflection of the fact that society, for us, is a giant dancing poodle contest no matter how skilled, educated or competent we are, to an extent which is not true for men. The fact that “attractive” women get rewarded over competent or capable ones is irritating, but not because they’re attractive. It’s irritating because of the premise according to which society judges them as valuable.
society, for us, is a giant dancing poodle contest no matter how skilled, educated or competent we are, to an extent which is not true for men.
Riiiiight.
With men it’s just the thickness of their wallet as the primary competition factor rather than only attractiveness.
It’s so liberating to have your value as a human being be a direct measure of your privilege.
No, I think she makes a valid point. There’s kind of this perception that women can only be successful in the job market if they already fit the traditional feminine standards of beauty. It’s kind of a loose prerequisite for them in a way that it isn’t for men. There are exceptions of course, and men are also judged in this way, but definitely not to the extent that women are.