For various reasons, abusive relationships have been on my mind lately (none of these reasons have to do with my current relationship, just by-the-by). What kicked it off, I suppose, were those horrifying audio recordings of Mel Gibson screaming at his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva (who is actually a stellar singer/songwriter). For every three or four comments I see expressing shock that Mel Gibson, “that guy who totally starred in a movie called What Women Want!!!”, I see one saying that Oksana is just a gold-digger, and knew what she was doing staying in a relationship like that, and she must have chosen to subject herself to that abuse, and in that sense, brought it on herself, and so she should share the blame, and she probably provoked Gibson into popping her in the face while she was holding their daughter in her arms, etc. etc. etc.. Oh, and here’s one particular gem from a commenter on a gossip site: “Nobody gold digs like a Russian woman.”
I see how those people think, I do. I know that, from an outsider’s perspective, it’s very easy to say, “She’s an adult, she could have just walked away. She must have stayed for ulterior motives.”
The fact of the matter is, unless you have been in an abusive relationship yourself (and while I’m specifically talking about romantic relationships here, growing up with an abuser in your family is certainly a good parallel. That will make you more likely to fall for an abuser, anyway), you honestly don’t understand the complicated emotions the abused person goes through. It’s not as simple as “just walk away”.
An abusive partner starts off just fine. They’re infatuated with you, they’re sweet, they treat you like a goddess (or a god, men get abused too). They’re bringing you flowers every day. You don’t like flowers? Here’s a teddy bear! Not crazy about teddy bears? Here’s a puppy! Allergic to dogs? How do you feel about ponies???
Then there will be something. It will be a little something, but it will be something he just won’t let go of. You got your hair cut without telling him ahead of time. You weren’t able to go to the bar and watch a fight with him because you had to work that night. Something small, but it will end with an argument that ends with, “You’re always so (selfish/cold/uncaring/unloving/mean/bitchy/etc.).” This will probably be something you’ve never been called before, and you’ll be caught off-guard. This argument will almost inevitably be followed by tears (his, for now), and, “But I love you so much.”
A healthy person would hear, “You’re so ______, but I love you so much,” and quickly take a survey of their nearest and dearest to find out if this is true. Chances are, they’ll be told it’s the biggest load in the history of loads.
An unhealthy person would hear, “You’re so ______, but I love you so much,” and assume it must be true, even if it doesn’t sound right to them. Because what the hell do they know about themselves, right?
And right there, a little bit of your identity has just slipped away.
Abusers will spend ten percent of their time being sweet, and ninety percent of the time telling you what a monster you are, and how you provoke the worst in them, and they were never like this until they met you, and you will bloody well believe it too. You always knew you were a bottom-feeder, subconsciously, and this person who loves you so much is just the only person in the world who is honest enough to tell you how awful you really are. That’s what they tell you, anyway. You’re so ashamed to think of how you’ve spent so many years ignorantly torturing your friends and family with your presence, and how they must all secretly despise you, but they remain in your life either out of pity, or because they’re scared of your terrifying and unreasonable temper, or because they’re just too darn nice to tell you to go and jump in a lake, like you so obviously should.
There will always be another part of you that will try to defend yourself, just out of reflex. This will be the part that will make you scream, “No, no, no! That’s not true!” as you sob incoherently during the most recent emotional throwdown from your beloved. This will be after you already apologized for whatever it was you didn’t do, but before you grey-out, and your head fills with the perpetual wailing of a mind coming gradually unhinged. You’ll need several hours to remember how to speak again, but just be ready to lie back on the bed as soon as he’s stopped shrieking long enough, because to deny him sex for a whole ten seconds after he just spent six hours calling you a soul-killing sociopathic monster would be just cruel. What the hell is wrong with you?
You will spend all your time proving to your abuser how much you love them, because the goal posts will keep moving. You say you love me, but you won’t spend the whole weekend at my house, I don’t care about the fact that you hardly see your family or your dog during the week, it’s you who chose to have a job. Well, you’ll spend the whole weekend with me, but you won’t move in with me. You’ve moved in with me, but you still spend time with your family and your dog sometimes at the weekends. You don’t see your family on the weekends anymore, but you still go out with your friends once every few weeks. You don’t love me at all! You’re so ______, but I love you so much!
How could you love someone like this? The truth is, you probably don’t, but abusive people generally have very binary emotions, and they’ll force-fit you to that thinking, whether you like it or not. You either “love” them, or despise them with every fibre of your being, and remember, you are most likely someone who believes themselves to be generally unworthy of love, nor do you have a healthy idea of how the word translates into action, so it’s easy for you to love, or at least be told you love, someone who isn’t worthy of anything better than a shovel to the back of the head, and the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Also, remember that how everyone else treats you is always your fault, because you are unreasonable and impossible, so you’re not allowed to dare to hate anyone.
The relationship I’m describing here is one that doesn’t involve being hit. That’s one experience I, thank the god I don’t believe in, cannot speak to, but a friend asked me recently if I would have woken up and left if my ex had ever hit me. The answer is no, probably not. Actually, it’s just no. He would have told me that I left him no other choice, and I would have believed it, like I had everything else.
Getting out will likely be thanks to that little defensive reflex of yours letting out a final, desperate cry. Either you’ll suddenly say, “No!” where before you’ve usually said, “Yes!” and that will be it, or the start of it. Or you’ll be crying at a friend’s house after you’ve been kicked out on the street for the fifth time this month, and when you’d normally reach for the phone to call and beg to be able to go back, you just don’t.
That’s not to say it will end there. Expect the letters, the phone calls, the pleas for friendship, and the pleas for friendship with benefits. “But you’re my best friend!” (most likely, you’re his only friend, which you must realize is not quite the same thing), “You broke my heart, and now you’re not even going to be my friend either?! You’re so ______, but I still want you as a friend!”. Then there will be the tears, then the threats. If you’re able to stay strong through all of this, and not go back, then you’ll finally start to heal, if you don’t break down and start giving in again, or give in to the urge of your own to just end it all, and put yourself somewhere where he can never reach you again. By the time you wake up enough to change your phone number and block his e-mail address, you’ll still be healing.
That wailing in your head? It won’t go away for a long time. But it goes away eventually, and eventually is what you’re left working toward. Get a good therapist if you can, and start thinking about the kind of person you would like to become. You do get a unique chance out of this. Your entire personality has been dismantled, your mind pulled apart. You get to consider from a theoretical standpoint what sort of personality traits you would like the new you to have, and you can start developing them.
Myself? I’m ten times the bitch I was three years ago, which, if I am to believe my ex, puts me somewhere beyond Satan, and just shy of Ann Coulter. I’m skeptical, distrusting, more judgmental, less spiritual, more brutally honest, and far slower to form friendships, and I’m about a thousand times happier than I’ve ever been. Being unconditionally trusting and loving to everyone I could see brought me nothing but trouble. My ex was the apex of that. It’s lovely and charming to think that unconditional love is the way to go for everybody, but that’s just not the case. There are lots of reasons to love people, there are lots of reasons to feel compassionate towards others, and you should never forget those, but you should never forget that there are reasons for people to not be worthy of your love as well.
And your ex? Most likely, there will be nothing you can do about him. Police interference may or may not be helpful, depending on when you call them, what you’re after, and which officer answers the phone that day. It’s a crapshoot. No, your ex will go on his merry way, and you’ll see at one point that he’s gotten together with someone new, and you’ll feel overwhelmed with guilt, and worry about the new girlfriend, and what she will eventually go through. You’ll kick yourself for not doing something about him, you’ll think over all the things you could do.
You could post your story on the Internet, whether it be a straightforward narrative with no names mentioned, with the vague hope that some of your wider social network will know who you’re talking about, and take heed of your warning, or by posting his name with a few of the psychotic e-mails he sent you before you hit the blocking-his-address point, or you can post audio recordings of calls with him, post-break-up, that show him clearly being the black-hearted maniac he really is.
But a lot of people will just say you’re bitter, spiteful, an extortionist, and just trying to damage his reputation.
And besides, you could have just walked away.
20 Comments
I love this post so, much.
My dad was physically abusive, and this past spring I got into a relationship that quickly became abusive as well. My ex sexually assaulted me. I’m just now able to put words to what happened. And you know what? I didn’t leave him when it happened. He told me he loved me and I believed him, and when he ended things, I was shattered.
It’s tempting to beat myself up for that, until I remember that he’s already done that and I deserve better.
Hi sejones101, thank you so much.
I’m so sorry to hear about your ex. It’s weird how long it takes for everything to sink in so you’re able to actually think it through, and articulate everything. Like your memories are locked in another room.
I’d be curious how many of these people who say “you could have walked away” then complain about women not keeping their relationship commitments.
That an angle I never thought of, sunset. Excellent observation.
That was to be honest why my abusive relationship lasted so long. Because I felt that leaving after sexual activity would make me a dirty unlovable slut. Nevermind that he’d forced me into the acts…of course I must have tempted him into doing that.
Actually, that’s part of why I stayed with my ex for so long too, when I think about it. He would also always tell me that if I couldn’t make a relationship with him work, I was obviously too “immature” to make any relationship work.
Well said, I like the way you begun with the “you could have walked away” thing. Totally dismantled that line of thought, and then ended on the same note.
I myself went through a similar thing as you did. I was with him for 2 years and between telling me what to do, calling me a bitch for going to the toilet without permission, physically hurting me and raping me, he told me that he loved me and that I’d be a less without him. I believed him. Looking back I was stupid and so wrong, but at the time he had a massive hold on me. Being around someone for so long, and not being allowed to have any friends sort of brainwashes you into thinking that they’re right and you must be wrong. Being told that you can’t cope without that person and that they are the only person who loves you and can keep you sane, some how makes you think that they’re right and you must be wrong. Him telling you that he has the right to sex and as a girlfriend you should give him his entitlement – can and does persuade you into thinking it’s ok.
I simply cannot explain it any more than that. It took me 2 years to walk away because “just” walking away isn’t a “just”. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.
Now Mel Gibson’s ex I know nothing about. I haven’t even bothered to read anything about her – perhaps she was a gold digger, perhaps she aggravated him into the phone call. Perhaps she was a complete bitch to him. That is neither here nor there though – it doesn’t matter. It was still wrong. Emotional and physiological abuse can be way more hurtful and destroying than it sounds.
Thinking about it – if I had the chance to go back and record him doing all of those things to me, I would seriously have considered it. All I have now is my word – and the memories of what happened to me. He has a new girlfriend and friends who think I’m a bitch and a liar. It still hurts.
Rather than just making a special case for this because it involves “celebrities” or famous people – I think it’s a good thing to relate this to what happens to far too many women and raise awareness that it is not ok for someone who is meant to love you – to hurt you. And that it is possible to get away and to get help.
Hi Laura,
Your story sounds horrifying, I’m so sorry. It’s true, they rope you off from a lot of outside influences, and then that’s how they get you. They’re your only feedback from the outside world.
I’m toying with a kind of follow-up post right now, I don’t know if it would be suitable for Feministing, I might just put it up on my own blog, but the fact is, EVERYONE, male, female, neither, and in-between, is caught in the exact same mind trap, just in different ways. This is the thinking that leads to political cults of personality, religious cults, hell, organized religion in general, we all have these blindspots that let in those who would manipulate us, use us, and hurt us, it’s only in the most extreme cases where those who are being manipulated actually break free that the rest of the world turns on them and goes, “Well, you could have just walked away.”
Anyway, that really is for a later post.
As for Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva, you’re right, it doesn’t matter if she is actually a gold digger, that doesn’t justify physical and mental abuse, unless you are of the firm conviction that you should be free to wail on salespeople, charity representatives, waiters, tradespeople, university registrars, and anyone else in the world who is being nice to you and/or doing something for you specifically to get your money. And if you are of that conviction, I shall sell you none of my delicious cupcakes, thank you very much.
Hi again Tiffany. I thought you wrote this post extremely well and I’m interested to see what else you have to say on this subject. I reckon you should post it up here because you’ve gotten so many positive replies that I think many more people will be interested to see what more you have to add. I’d also like to see your own blog too if that’s possible?
This post really helped me to understand what goes through a person’s mind when they’re with an abuser. Not to say I was ever one of the “Russian women are gold diggers” set, and I never condoned relationship violence. But I’ve had friends who’ve had crappy boyfriends (and male friends with crappy girlfriends and people of all sexual persuasions can suffer from abuse, I just grew up in a more conservative area where not many people were completely out about their sexuality to the point where I, a casual acquaintance would know this about them. That and I really didn’t pay attention to other people in any capacity growing up. Very introverted, and shy.). Friends have had bad relationships, and I agonized over convincing them that they were fabulous and their partners were lying sacks of crap, but I never got through.
In a way, I think I was mad at them for believing the abuser that I didn’t really like them, and that they’d believe this guy who’d only been in their lives a few months over me, their dear friend for years. I was upset that someone could suddenly mean so much, someone who was unworthy of all their love to boot. But it’s something people need to realize, to decide not to call back, like you said.
This is why we fight male privilege. Not because we hate men, but because we love those who suffer from not living up to the role society casts for them. I say people, because women, men, trans persons, genderqueer, androgynous, anybody can be abused, often for not conforming to their role, or because someone (a parent, perhaps?) took their societal role too seriously. (I’m your father, and I have to be the tough disciplinarian, etc.)
Thanks for the incite!
Hi morgaine,
You know, it’s funny, I sort of went what you went through about…maybe a year after I got away from my ex? One of my best friends got into an absolute nightmare relationship, and was going through all the exact same things, and I kept telling them that this was an abusive relationship, and they needed to get out, but they wouldn’t. I was frustrated the same as you, and it didn’t clunk me on the head until several months had passed that, “Duh, they need to work this out for themselves.” Because I didn’t listen either when anyone told me that my ex was a monster. A bloody psychologist even asked me what exactly why I stayed with him. Didn’t matter. It’s almost like you need to run yourself into the ground, or smack into the proverbial wall, before you start to see straight.
Your last paragraph is just beautiful. That’s really all I can say.
This was really a brilliant post.
Hi Jacey,
Thanks very much!
Thank you SO much for this post. Thank you. I had a relationship sort of like this while I was in college, except there wasn’t ever really any name calling. What my boyfriend did was to criticize every single thing I did, from buying the wrong conditioner to preparing food wrong. He would point out things about how I interact with people (things that I consider to be staple aspects of my personality that I had previously been proud to possess) and tell me that was something he didn’t like about me. I have always been insecure and had trouble feeling confident about who I was, and he destroyed any progress I had made in my 22 years before I met him. He told me sex was something I was responsible for providing him, and if I didn’t want to often enough, or didn’t want to give him head all the time, then he would have no choice but to find it elsewhere. After a couple of months he convinced me to move in with him and then immediately freaked out because I was “there all the time” and he didn’t have enough privacy to watch porn and jerk off whenever he wanted. But one of the most damaging things he did was to decide that my body didn’t look good enough to keep his dick hard while he was fucking me, and that it was my responsibility to go fake tanning (something I have never done and never ever want to do) and do pilates to tone my muscles or he would leave me. I would plead to him to stop saying things like that to me because I was struggling with anorexia and weighed almost nothing and to have him telling me that he wanted to end the relationship because of how bad my body looked was killing me. Well, his needs were more important. And he did leave me because he said he wanted to have sex with other girls. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to hang out with me every day so he wouldn’t have to be lonely, and of course I spent time with him because I had no one else in my life at the time who I was close to.
Eventually my parents heard enough and came to New York City to help me move to a different borough so I wouldn’t be so tempted to see him, but it wasn’t until I moved back to Virginia and really COULDN’T see him that I was able to stop. I wasn’t able to stop seeing him without help. I’m not weak and pathetic, it’s just REALLY fucking hard to “just” leave a situation like that.
Sorry for the rant, but just thank you so much for this post. Thank you.
Hi Liz,
Honestly, it’s like we were dating the same person. My ex did the exact same thing, picking on particular aspects of my personality that made me “me”, and saying that he hated them, and that everyone around me hated them. I was always horribly insecure about my looks, and he picked on those too. I “wasn’t allowed” to cut my hair, since, because I didn’t like the way I looked, that meant I didn’t get to have a say. He kept insisting that I had to move in with him as soon as we both graduated, that was one thing I resisted and fought him on, always to the point where he would break down and sob about about mean I was for wanting him to do things like graduate and get a job before I would consider sharing bills and a life with him. I’ve no doubt if I had said yes, he would have done the same thing yours did, insisting I was around too much.
I’m so sorry for all you went through, I’m glad you were finally able to get out. It is the hardest thing to do.
What a lot of people who have never been in abusive relationships don’t understand is there is no such thing as just walking away. Abuse belittles a person to their absolute lowest, there is a term for it called learned helplessness, and it’s one of the hardest things to overcome even with hard work and therapy, especially since it doesn’t go away when the abuser does. That kind of damage can stay with a person for the rest of their life.
Hi natasha,
You’re absolutely right, learned helplessness, well put.
Like other commenters, thank you for this post. I have been really hopeful to see more posts recently actually describing what’s it’s like to be in an abusive relationship – it’s unbelievable how clear the patterns are, it’s a very deliberate and peculiar thing, as with other commenters above my abusive ex was exactly like you describe, and it felt exactly like that. I also like your description about how you do eventually get out of it, if you do – there’s just suddenly a ‘no’ there before. For me though, the real breaking and the real healing had to begin just a month after the breakup when I thank god was in an amazing women’s health class and a domestic violence advocate came in, shared her experiences, but also stuff on the cycles of abuse, the way it feels, warning signs – all the common behaviours that I can look back and see. And it was really, really terrifying and hard to have to admit and realise and look back and understand that the relationship I had got out of was abusive – that I, me, someone I always considered relatively independent and smart, this had happened to me, but suddenly all made sense. Ultimately really important to me ending it – I may not have, otherwise. But part of rebuilding yourself and becoming immune to the terrible messages can be something external, something real, helping you know NO this is wrong – like you say, good therapy helps, but so can good information.
But I just wish these kinds of posts and stories, every teenage girl got taught this, everyone, men and women, knew about the warning signs of abuse and what abuse is psychologically like, what it does to you, how abusers are never just awful all the time – the gifts and being ‘romantic’ and etc. are a huge part of how the manipulation starts, and then continues – and could use this as shared education tool with their friends when they see warning signs in their relationships, other than the weak ‘we know he’s bad for her but what can we do.’ There should be more understanding of abuse – because as soon as you have been in an abusive situation, it’s just so damn clear how absurd that ‘why didn’t she just leave’ and it’s variations are. The more we share this, the better.
Well written, and important.
If getting this message out there, from the perspective of someone who went through it, is enough for one person to read this and look at themselves and say, “hey, that’s me!”, it could be life saving.
Great post. It has clearly struck a nerve. And it’s particularly comforting for me to read this (as well as the comments) now, as my best college friend is currently now trying to leave her abusive (verbally and physically, unfortunately) husband for the third time now. The situation is one that has been described from different angles above — same bird, different stripes. The remark in one comment about learned helplessness is particularly apt, and I’ve been having to remind myself of this as I get frustrated seeing my friend go back and forth with this man with whom she shares two young children, and another on the way (yikes!).
And these situations are difficult for those close to the victim as well. I want to hop in the car and drive 10 hours and see her, write her checks so that she can support herself, hold her hand through various court dates, distract her during her repeated urges to call him or succumb to his silvertongued charm. But I’m too far away. And even if I did all that, there’d be no guarantee that this would be the final bout. So, as someone mentioned, I have to let her work most of it out herself. The most I can do is call her nearly every day, give her pep talks, make sure that she knows what numbers to call, and love her unconditionally. My husband tells me not to get too wrapped up in it; he sees that it upsets me. But how can I not?