If my yellow-leather Nine West strappy sandals had brakes, the screech as I hit them at the grocery store would have sent shoppers rushing outside to look for a crash. But the accident happened at the checkout stand. When the young, hip adorable checker said in response to my explaining I was taking a year off to write, “I wish my boyfriend would let me do that.” Wait. What? Let? As if to imply that my boyfriend, Michael (wonderful, amazing guy…really) is 1). Let-ting me do this and 2). The reason why this year is able to happen–because of an opportunity he created?
I’m a little bit embarrassed with the response I hissed back because I really like this girl. My boyfriend and I actually make an effort to get in her line. But every defense mechanism from Psych 101 flared up and I said, “It’s really none of my boyfriend’s business what I decide to do. I do what I want.” All like that. Hiss.
Awkward!
“Oh. Sure. Yeah,” she said stuffing my organic kiwis and black ground pepper in my reusable canvas bag. “Totally.” What a freak, she’s really thinking, and it’s true. I had a clear window of opportunity to ask in a sincerely curious way, why she thought I wasn’t teaching because Michael was letting me stay home. Or, why (in a more super sensitive questioning way) she felt her boyfriend would be the one to let her search out a similar dream?
But no. I got all crazy. Because it wasn’t just what I said. It was my look and body language (I may have gotten a little red) that let her know I was clearly shaming her. And it’s unfortunate that I was so easily shaken because she likes Michael and I and maybe (dare I say it), looks up to us? She’s the perkiest cashier who, when we come in for a loaf of bread is all like, “So are you guys getting married?” And we’re like, “No we’re buying bread.” Etc…
We keep going through her line because she’s that nice.
So. I guess I should examine why this bothers me. What do I care? One of the mottos I live by that I keep forgetting is What you think of me is none of my business. This has gotten me out of some major shame spirals. But I forgot it in that moment. All I cared about was what she thought about me. And I worried that all the work I’d put in to get here–coupled with a freaking giant leap of faith in myself, was somehow being credited to someone else.
And does it bother me in a man/woman sense that I’m a woman and the man was getting the credit? Sure. Yes. Ok, totally. And it was disappointing that a young woman, a seemingly rad, forward-thinking girl didn’t see the possibilities of her future choices in her own hands. As a high school teacher I’ve spent countless hours talking with young girls about the power they have in deciding their own futures. I might never know if it made any difference. But all that un-powerfulness they’ve felt (that I’ve felt) and that the checker was implying, lit that one little flicker of flame that’s waiting to go when the perfectly wrong thing is said.
She didn’t mean to be harmful. And my god, has Michael’s unconditional support of my choices helped me get where I am today? Of course. A thousand times, yes! But I’m sitting here writing right now because of the choices I made for myself and didn’t (would not) get permission from anyone.
And here’s the catch: Michael won’t get the credit when I make something of my life but this also exonerates him from the times I make a total mess of it. Isn’t that great? I wish I could have said it so succinctly to the checker. I’m still going to search her out and go through her line. I want to tell you so badly some of the fabulous things she does with her hair, and about her smile. But it’s a really small town.
8 Comments
Here’s the thing: this all seems to be coming from a completely different point of view as far as financial privilege is concerned. You seem to be interpreting the word “let” in a context in which it may not have been implied at all.
What you said to this person, at least from what I can see, is that you decided to essentially take a year off of work. That’s a huge financial decision, and something most people don’t have the ability to do. She assumed (correctly or incorrectly) that the work of your boyfriend at least played a part in that decision. To be honest, though, who wouldn’t? Knowing nothing else but what this post gives me I’m completely unable to gauge your finances, but then so is the checkout girl. She only knows you in the context of you buying things with your boyfriend, and the fact that such purchases continue while you’re taking a year away from your job definitely create an impression that your partner is contributing financially in order for that to happen. It’s an assumption, and one people tend to make about relationships, but it’s really not that far-fetched, especially for someone with only limited knowledge of your finances, like me or the checkout girl.
When she says she wishes her boyfriend would “let” her do that she might mean that she wishes she was in a different financial place, or her boyfriend was, so as to be able to pursue her dream. That’s a perfectly valid sentiment. I mean, there’s a difference between holding a college degree and teacher certification and working checkout at a grocery store. Those are two different financial positions that offer completely different privileges.
This isn’t necessarily an issue of “permission” so much as an issue of money, which in many cases decides things regardless of personal thoughts on the matter. She might not have meant that her boyfriend would never let her follow her dreams so much as she meant that she needs to keep her job in order to pay her share of the rent. That’s a totally different issue of “letting” someone follow their dream. In that case it’s a matter of personal finances, not someone’s boyfriend being the “decider” of whether or not she can pursue her dream.
Interactions with service-people are inherently privileging for the person requesting the service, and I think it’s important to make a note of that here, albeit only knowing the limited back story presented in the post.
“When she says she wishes her boyfriend would “let” her do that she might mean that she wishes she was in a different financial place, or her boyfriend was, so as to be able to pursue her dream.”
That’s what I took it to mean. A checkout clerk probably can’t afford Nine West shoes(which the narrator makes a point of mentioning. According to their site, they’re not as extreme as some labels, but they’re still a lot more than anyone I know pays for sandals!), much less taking a year off from work to solely focus on pursuing creative goals. I’ve known couples where either one or the other supported their partner while he/she went to school or focused on their music or all sorts of things. This favor was returned later by the other partner. She was probably just wishing for a more favorable financial situation where she could do that.
I agree.
Certainly if my boyfriend or husband wanted to take a year off work to write – he would need my “permission”. Obviously I can’t stop him, but if he did it without consulting me or me being supportive, it would lead to a break-up or at the very least alot of fights and bad feelings.
Taking a year off work DOES affect the other person, even if you aren’t dependent on them financially for food, shelters, etc. Because then you either have to stop going out so much or the other person has to pay more, etc. Either way it impacts them.
I think it’s only fair and natural when in a relationship that big life changes like this require at least some buy-in from your partner. That is if you intend to keep that partner.
You mentioned three separate things that would be needed if you were in a similar situation: permission, support, and buy-in. I agree with you completely when it comes to needing a partner’s support or buy-in when attempting to make a big life change. However, ‘permission’ is something I’m just not down with.
In my opinion, needing a partner’s permission to do something is a sign of a partnership that is out of balance. To give another human being that kind of power–that she or he would permit us to go in a particular direction in our life (or not) is quite scary. We just don’t get to have that kind of say over what another person does.
We DO get to respond when a partner does something we don’t like. But we don’t get to tell them what to do.
Er…I’m working class, unemployed, and too ill to get a job (and if I did get a job, it would only be as a cashier), yet I would never use “let” in that sense, despite my financial situation (in other words, I disagree with the first two posters).
You could always apologise to her for your manner.
Thank you for the feedback! I can definitely see that offering more background to the story would have helped clarify my perspective. My partner isn’t supporting me financially. I saved my money for 2 years (in order to not teach for 1 year). My partner and I have never (and have no plans) to combine our finances. We take turns paying for groceries and often “take each other out” but all finances are separate. If we want something as a couple, we figure out the cost and split it 50/50. This is not romantic–it almost sounds like business. But it works and in 5 years we’ve never had a disagreement about money (we have plenty of other issues, of course).
I was trying to show that the checker’s response hit on my insecurity button–that just because I’ve been seen shopping with him and he sometimes pays the bill, it doesn’t imply (and shouldn’t be implied) that I’m financially dependent on him. I may not have made my point in the essay as well as I’d hoped.
The 9 West sandals were found in a discount bin for $12.99. But I can see how the brand name might have suggested otherwise.
This feedback was really helpful!
Do you think that you have now created a woman would never call her self a ‘feminist’?
I’m not completely sure I understand your question. My definition of a feminist is a man or woman who tries to live without the assumptions, stereotypes, and mores of the past, present and future—where it pertains to inequality of the sexes. And the only reason I say ‘tries’ is because it’s sometimes impossible to live in a world without stereotypes. But we don’t have to act on/perpetuate them.
* To the editor, I accidentally hit ‘report’ when I meant to hit ‘reply.’ I did not want to report this comment. Sorry for the mix up.